Temporarily Out Of Order

[SalixIncendium]

In fact, the last time I was this popular with my friends and family was that year I gave out vibrators to everyone.

I still use mine daily. Best neck massager I've ever owned!

 

[Revoltingest]

I still use mine daily. Best neck massager I've ever owned!

And a vibrator with an alarm feature....sheer genius!

 

[Hermit Philosopher]

It's been a rough week.

Some may know, some may not, I am a homemaker, home schooler, and mother to three boys(14, 7, and 2), two of whom are autistic to differing degrees.

I like what I do. Homeschooling has been new for us, but for the most part has been a joy. Being a homemaker is a challenge in a time that doesn't always appreciate the role, but its been something I feel called to do. But this week has been something else. I am feeling... burned out.

The middle child has been on an 'up tick' in energy, reverting to behaviors we haven't seen in a long time, all in the hopes of 'getting a rise out of you'. The eldest lost a relative recently, and is upset about that, and is going through pandemic fatigue. He has throw a few child like temper tantrums recently, which we haven't seen in awhile, either. I suspect everyone is feeding off of each other, figuratively.

I believe the weather has come into play. At one point, when things got too 'spirited' we could go for a walk, visit the lake, drive to a park out of town. But winter's set in, and we're home bound. We used to walk daily, but its now too cold for that most days. I think everyone's a bit stir crazy.

And I'm burned out. I am fatigued, though not physically tired. I am getting agitated, and everything feels like a lot more work than it really is. I am not depressed, really... I just feel like a kid who's pent up and needs to go out for recess, but recess never comes.

I've tried looking up things to do for burnout, but all I can find is things related to careers, and its not applicable in my case. There is no time to 'clock out'. Kids go to bed when I do(autistic kids often have sleep trouble, I'm happy mine do sleep, even if it is late), and I have to get them up shortly after I get up, or they'll never go to bed). I'm not going to be able to take a vacation, or delegate tasks to other people. Things that seem to help other people relax have never been things I enjoy(relaxing with music, bubble baths, journaling, etc). I have no "close friend who I can confide in"(seems to be a popular recommendation). So, now what?

I know it will pass, and its temporary. But, my normal coping mechanisms have all been removed(visit the temple, go and see elderly relatives, visit a restaurant out of town, etc) due to pandemic. Hoping some of the creative folks on here might have some new ideas.

Dear JustGeorge

I am sorry to hear of your struggles. And you are of course absolutely right in that burn-out does not only affect those who get paid for their work!

Furthermore, there is reason to believe that burn-out is closer related to a high level of internal demand on perfection - and thereby of control - than on workload per se.

The reason burn-out makes itself known when workload changes (e.g. increases or becomes more demanding), is that, that’s when we experience a loss of overview and control.

This is not to claim that you be over-controlling or anything, but rather to suggest that, even in situations where you cannot restructure or reduce workload by taking time-out, there are still ways of minimising burn-out tendencies.

Going by what you have shared with us on the forum, I’d say that your chances of getting this sorted are good; especially if you as a family can work on this together.

In your situation, I’d recommend starting with these few things:

• Have a family sit-down in which you make them aware of your current loss of overview.
• As a family, separate ideals from musts and, until you feel on-top of things again, agree to only focus on the musts. For example: the family clothes must be clean, but do they have to be ironed...? The kids need to pass their maths test, but must they get top scores (this time)...?
  
• If you belong to a competitive social circle, there’s no need to stop socialising, but take the pressure off by letting them know that you’re temporarily changing things up at home at that they should not expect the same level of engagement (code for social competition ) from your family at the moment. Once they get over the fact that your clean shirts are no longer ironed, they may shock you by following your cue - haha.

Obviously, these are only examples of a few first small steps. My point is that it’s about taking the pressure off (also internally; your own demands on self) and if possible, doing so with a sense of humour.

Wishing you and your family inspiration and renewed enthusiasm.

Humbly
Hermit

 

[SigurdReginson]

Oof... Thats rough.

Is there any time your hubby could take the kids so you could have a chance to breathe? Maybe family you could drop the kids off at for a little while?

I don't have kids, so my advice is lacking. All I know, and I'm sure you do too, is that time to yourself is important. Gotta take it when the opportunity presents itself!

 

[JustGeorge]

Is there an institution which can help with your children, so that you get some time for yourself to relax? IMHO, you need such institutional help. Managing all of it yourself is difficult. In India, one can leave children with grandmothers and grandfathers. That is the purpose of life for old people here (like my wife and myself).

Institutional help is very hard to get. We don't qualify over some technicalities.

I am jealous sometimes, reading about the way the grandparents help out in India. I have my parents still, but my mother does not babysit, as she prefers to be with her friends or at the bar. She is a nice person and I get along well with her, but she is very clear with her priorities. My father will watch them for a bit here and there, when he is in the state(he has an RV and travels around the country), but he is high risk health wise, and as Covid gets serious in our area, he mostly stays away from people(I don't blame him).

My husband is completely estranged. We have been married almost a decade, but I have never met or spoken to his parents. The abuse he suffered at the hands of his mother was terrible. I think he'd like to see his father, but the father doesn't seem interested.

Those who have parents that are willing to help with the raising of children are truly blessed.

Bring temple to you. Set up a shrine in your home and hold pujas, meditate, or do whatever you did when you visited temple.

Perhaps visit with the elderly relatives you speak of via FaceTime or Zoom.

In any case, burnout, in my experience, isn't something that just goes away. In order to avert the symptoms, one needs to affect change, however subtle this may be. Perhaps a 10 minute bath, or even change the aroma in the home (I've found sage incense or smudge to be quite effective).

Anyway, hang in there. The pandemic won't last forever. Change will come regardless.

I oughta work on my puja room. Its beautiful, really. But it needs some work, decor wise. I do think the smell of the incense going throughout the house is calming... maybe I oughta make a point to light it up throughout the day.

What else??? Simply screaming "SHUT UP" when they are particularly noisy is a wonderful way to release tension, ir may not work but you'll probably feel better


Edit: my brother in law has just bought a pinch bag from Amazon. It works for him and far cheaper then throwing the remote at the TV

My idle threat is: "Do you want Momom to poop on your head?" He can't quite tell if I'd actually do it or not... I also threaten to get mad. I am such a bland, even tempered person, that should I yell, its that much worse. If a behavior gets dangerous, I put on quite a show, in my pretending to be angry. But, it comes as such a shock , the behavior isn't repeated. I try not to resort to that unless its really important, though, because I don't want it to loose its luster.

I think I realized I was burning out when I didn't want to cook for the last two evenings. I love to cook...

As the father of a non-verbal autistic boy 8 days shy of 5 years and the spiritual incarnation of the Tasmanian devil, I feel ya.

I get that. We named our 'spirited' one Ares, and that's exactly what we got.

My oldest waited until he was 7 to really talk much... and then the dam broke, and all he wanted to talk about was the government.

My middle one is doing a lot better with his speech, but he has apraxia on top of the autism. He's coming a long though. He used to use a PODD book to communicate, and we found that the other day... was kind of a trip down memory lane.

Parenting is tough. Fortunately the good outweighs the bad. We raised 5 children, and there were times that burnout was right at the forefront. I worked a demanding job, and Boss (an affectionate term) took care of the house and the kids a lot more than I was able to. I'd come home to hectic, some kid had had a problem in school, and she was totally overwhelmed, as was I. Some days were no fun at all, and I feel for you.

One thing we did was just go to a local park, and take as many kids as wanted to come along, and sit on the bench and watch them go for it. In winter it was a tobogganing hill. We'd try to just watch. Another thing we'd do was order out.... usually a cheap local pizza place. That gave her a break from cooking for one night. Eating out wasn't really an option, as that was chaos, even in the drive to and from.

Best wishes. May the Lord of Obstacles, He Who has One Tusk, guide your way.

PS ... You could play this in the background.

Five of them! That must have been something. Were they close in age, or spread out?

That is a good reminder... My middle one sat for over half an hour listening to the Mahamrityunjaya Mantra a week or so ago. I don't think he wished to, but I was in the puja room, and he wanted to be, and I told him that if he wanted to stay in, he needed to sit and not touch anything. The fact that he was able to(because sometimes I think it is that he is truly unable to stop moving), was something else.

Furthermore, there is reason to believe that burn-out is closer related to a high level of internal demand on perfection - and thereby of control - than on workload per se.

The reason burn-out makes itself known when workload changes (e.g. increases or becomes more demanding), is that, that’s when we experience a loss of overview and control.

This is not to claim that you be over-controlling or anything, but rather to suggest that, even in situations where you cannot restructure or reduce workload by taking time-out, there are still ways of minimising burn-out tendencies.

Well, the baby dumped an entire box of cereal on the floor this morning, shortly after I asked his brother to please make sure he didn't get the cereal...

At first I got a little upset. My husband told him to get the broom and sweep it up. And I knew how that would go. So I told him to just go let the dogs in.

I let the dogs clean up the mess. They were happy to help.



I really appreciate all the responses. I think one of the biggest hurdles I have is just plain going at it(stuff relating to kids) alone. Thanks to all for making me feel a bit less so!

 

[Vinayaka]

Five of them! That must have been something. Were they close in age, or spread out?

That is a good reminder... My middle one sat for over half an hour listening to the Mahamrityunjaya Mantra a week or so ago. I don't think he wished to, but I was in the puja room, and he wanted to be, and I told him that if he wanted to stay in, he needed to sit and not touch anything. The fact that he was able to(because sometimes I think it is that he is truly unable to stop moving), was something else.

I really appreciate all the responses. I think one of the biggest hurdles I have is just plain going at it(stuff relating to kids) alone. Thanks to all for making me feel a bit less so!

Our first three were 2 years apart, then the 4th was 4 years later, and the last 6 years later gain so 14 years between oldest and youngest ... all odd years .. 77, 79, 81, 85, 91

I listen to that version Sri Rudram for hatha yoga. Music does have a calming effect. You must be doing a wonderful job.

 

[JustGeorge]

Our first three were 2 years apart, then the 4th was 4 years later, and the last 6 years later gain so 14 years between oldest and youngest ... all odd years .. 77, 79, 81, 85, 91

I listen that that version Sri Rudram for hatha yoga. Music does have a calming effect. You must be doing a wonderful job.

That's quite a range! I've got 12 years between oldest and youngest. I kind of like the spread; big one is helpful with little one.

I hope I am doing okay. I have a lot of self doubt sometimes, but then I remember how bad things once were, and how far they've come, even on a bad day. At one point, we were at a total loss. The doctor had no advice for us. One psychiatrist just wanted to drug him up and make life easy(kid is waaay too smart for that). Other one saw the fallacy in that, but was so overwhelmed with clients, she couldn't remember him when he came in, and we got nowhere.

The summer between preschool and kindergarten was bad. Real bad. I thought I wouldn't make it. After he peeled all the plaster off a living room wall, my dad paid to put him in daycare. They kicked him out a week later. And then something in me just broke. I was sitting there eating M&Ms, and he wanted some, and I told him no way. With the way he'd treated his Old Fat Mom(the kids' affectionate nickname for me; long story), I wasn't sharing my candy with him. And he didn't like it. He really didn't. And I went with it. The summer revolved around being good, or I'd eat his treats. And it worked so well, that when the school couldn't get him under control, they utilized it, too.

And I realized a lot of other little things, like my posture mattered. The way I ordered my words in a sentence mattered. How I held my eyebrows mattered. All these little things that you take for granted made a huge difference in how the day would play out. And I got things pretty under control. When the pandemic started, and school ended, we were all baffled at how much more he was learning at home. He went from communicating with a PODD book to talking. His teachers were amazed, too. And no one was surprised when we chose to homeschool after.

I think things have been rough lately largely due to the weather and pandemic fatigue from the family. We're all such sissies about the cold... My hsuband has an excuse, he grew up in the southern states.

 

[Vinayaka]

That's quite a range! I've got 12 years between oldest and youngest. I kind of like the spread; big one is helpful with little one.

I hope I am doing okay. I have a lot of self doubt sometimes, but then I remember how bad things once were, and how far they've come, even on a bad day. At one point, we were at a total loss. The doctor had no advice for us. One psychiatrist just wanted to drug him up and make life easy(kid is waaay too smart for that). Other one saw the fallacy in that, but was so overwhelmed with clients, she couldn't remember him when he came in, and we got nowhere.

The summer between preschool and kindergarten was bad. Real bad. I thought I wouldn't make it. After he peeled all the plaster off a living room wall, my dad paid to put him in daycare. They kicked him out a week later. And then something in me just broke. I was sitting there eating M&Ms, and he wanted some, and I told him no way. With the way he'd treated his Old Fat Mom(the kids' affectionate nickname for me; long story), I wasn't sharing my candy with him. And he didn't like it. He really didn't. And I went with it. The summer revolved around being good, or I'd eat his treats. And it worked so well, that when the school couldn't get him under control, they utilized it, too.

And I realized a lot of other little things, like my posture mattered. The way I ordered my words in a sentence mattered. How I held my eyebrows mattered. All these little things that you take for granted made a huge difference in how the day would play out. And I got things pretty under control. When the pandemic started, and school ended, we were all baffled at how much more he was learning at home. He went from communicating with a PODD book to talking. His teachers were amazed, too. And no one was surprised when we chose to homeschool after.

I think things have been rough lately largely due to the weather and pandemic fatigue from the family. We're all such sissies about the cold... My hsuband has an excuse, he grew up in the southern states.

We home-schooled off and on several times. My second son, who was very social, hated us for the year (Grade 4) we home-schooled him. Despite the hate, he learned to read that year. In Grade 5 the teachers were amazed.

There is nothing that can beat one on one. They'll thank you for it later.

 

[JustGeorge]

We home-schooled off and on several times. My second son, who was very social, hated us for the year (Grade 4) we home-schooled him. Despite the hate, he learned to read that year. In Grade 5 the teachers were amazed.

There is nothing that can beat one on one. They'll thank you for it later.

I think that's a lot of it right there. I think his teachers in public did a fine job, but you can't change the fact that there are just too many kids per staff member. And the time table they have to keep up with...if a child isn't ready to move on from a lesson, its too bad. Gotta keep up with the rest of the class...

I never realized how much time and effort goes into data collection, either... seems like a waste of time past a certain point.

 

[Vinayaka]

I think that's a lot of it right there. I think his teachers in public did a fine job, but you can't change the fact that there are just too many kids per staff member. And the time table they have to keep up with...if a child isn't ready to move on from a lesson, its too bad. Gotta keep up with the rest of the class...

I never realized how much time and effort goes into data collection, either... seems like a waste of time past a certain point.

A former colleague, about data collection ... "At the end of the year you hand them a single piece of paper. It either has an 'F' on it, or a 'P'. That's all they care about anyway."
Data collection is about government spying, not teaching.