The Book of Laika

[Laika]

Behold, I am the second coming of the second-rate messiah of Jebus. I have been chosen by a guy named Steve who I met in drunken haze in a bar on Sunday evening to found a new religion which will lead humanity to the promised land and establish a paradise on earth , or else something slightly better at an unspecified time after much suffering and sacrifice because I want you to write me a blank cheque with your lives and possessions as the faithful whilst I am still alive and can take advantage of your credit card details.

In true Hollywood fashion I will be the third of a trilogy of religions, each successively getting worse than the original as the script writers run out of ideas who will keep you waiting with generations of hype and expectation....

*sudden break in music*

...Wait? The third slot if taken by Islam? Dam it! Well, fourth place will have to do then... The Jews can't sue us for violating copyright can they?

*new age music returns*

I will demonstrate my divinity with the miraculous powers of fermentation turning water into wine over the course of several months, show my humanity by spending time with prostitutes to save them from the darkness with recreational activities and demonstrate my healing powers by making you feel better about yourself and running away from leapers in case I catch something.

I will peacefully overturn an evil empire by getting myself executed in a totally futile gesture to spread a message of peace, love and compassion... wait... what? That wasn't in the job description? the occupiers are wearing sandals- they are clearly sexually over active hippies who will run at the first sign of trouble! Where's some divine intervention when you need it? Or a drone strike in the middle of the desert? anything! I don't want to die for humanity- bunch of needy losers. Why can't they grow up, take responsibility and save themselves?

oh right. free will.

I therefore begin my testament with the book of Laika to contain all the wisdom and whatever particular crap takes my fancy upon which will be passed down to future generations by a series of cat memes. Now let us break bread and converse as common people do by making fart jokes and talking about the weather.

Bless you. Bring your messiah pizza.

Pizza with cheesy stuffed crust- now that's proof of intelligent design!​

 

[Sanzbir]

...Wait? The third slot if taken by Islam? Dam it! Well, fourth place will have to do then... The Jews can't sue us for violating copyright can they?

Nah, you'll need to take the fifth slot. Get in line.

 

[sun rise]

I'm sorry to disagree with your exalted person and provoke lightning bolts, but today the miracles have to be of another kind. You have to turn debt into wealth, overweight age into slender youth, and a poor excuse for a job into the career of people's dreams. For bonus points, turn educational drudgery into instant knowledge.

 

[Laika]

I'm sorry to disagree with your exalted person and provoke lightning bolts, but today the miracles have to be of another kind.

How dare you speak of evolution! The world today was created as god intended and he instilled a delusion of "history" so you would not know where he hid the sacred cookies.

You have to turn debt into wealth,

Render Ceaser what is ceasers, so I command thee to pay your taxes and the national debt. Thy will be done! Or IRS will come!

overweight age into slender youth,

The reincarnated overweight vegan known as Buddha could be more useful on that one.

and a poor excuse for a job into the career of people's dreams.

Only if the career of your dreams involve working at a tax exempt charity as gods approves of.

For bonus points, turn educational drudgery into instant knowledge.

Behold! I summon the omniscient deity to disperse knowledge and watch everything you type as you search porn....

ta da!

 

[Enoch07]

Behold, I am the second coming of the second-rate messiah of Jebus. I have been chosen by a guy named Steve who I met in drunken haze in a bar on Sunday evening to found a new religion which will lead humanity to the promised land and establish a paradise on earth , or else something slightly better at an unspecified time after much suffering and sacrifice because I want you to write me a blank cheque with your lives and possessions as the faithful whilst I am still alive and can take advantage of your credit card details.

In true Hollywood fashion I will be the third of a trilogy of religions, each successively getting worse than the original as the script writers run out of ideas who will keep you waiting with generations of hype and expectation....

*sudden break in music*

...Wait? The third slot if taken by Islam? Dam it! Well, fourth place will have to do then... The Jews can't sue us for violating copyright can they?

*new age music returns*

I will demonstrate my divinity with the miraculous powers of fermentation turning water into wine over the course of several months, show my humanity by spending time with prostitutes to save them from the darkness with recreational activities and demonstrate my healing powers by making you feel better about yourself and running away from leapers in case I catch something.

I will peacefully overturn an evil empire by getting myself executed in a totally futile gesture to spread a message of peace, love and compassion... wait... what? That wasn't in the job description? the occupiers are wearing sandals- they are clearly sexually over active hippies who will run at the first sign of trouble! Where's some divine intervention when you need it? Or a drone strike in the middle of the desert? anything! I don't want to die for humanity- bunch of needy losers. Why can't they grow up, take responsibility and save themselves?

oh right. free will.

I therefore begin my testament with the book of Laika to contain all the wisdom and whatever particular crap takes my fancy upon which will be passed down to future generations by a series of cat memes. Now let us break bread and converse as common people do by making fart jokes and talking about the weather.

Bless you. Bring your messiah pizza.

Pizza with cheesy stuffed crust- now that's proof of intelligent design!​

​

So your going to heal the sick?

End famine?

Call down lightning bolts from the sky?

Peacefully overturn an evil empire?

And establish paradise on earth?

 

[Laika]

So your going to heal the sick?

End famine?

Call down lightning bolts from the sky?

Peacefully overturn an evil empire?

And establish paradise on earth?

Restoring faith in humanity by a series of comic mis-adventures against the futility of existence is a great idea. Someone should try it. why not me? Sounds like fun.

 

[Laika]

I think a link to this thread may belong here so people know what this is all about. I'm not sure about the name "megacorporatism" but I can probably change that as time goes on and I get the hang of this better.

Starting a Parody Religion: "Megacorporatism"

As I'm trying to start a new religion this would seem like a good subject to start with.

The Problem of False Prophets:
False Prophets

I think probably the best way to tell if someone were a false prophet is if they offer salvation. In reality, no-one can save us. There is no quick fix or easy solution to the problems of learning how to live our own lives. It is up to us to "save ourselves" by giving our lives meaning and purpose. The best we can get is to find spiritual and religious knowledge, be open to it and for someone to help us on our own journey. The higher level of consciousness associated with religious being is ultimately part of our own anatomy. It is part of our brain or mind (or soul if you wish). A false prophet can take away our ability to "see" and to "hear" from us by telling us to look for answers outside of ourselves in some external authority. The "true" prophet is someone who can help us regain our sight and hearing and learn to use our own conscience for the purpose of self-discover and self-creation.

 

[Enoch07]

Restoring faith in humanity by a series of comic mis-adventures against the futility of existence is a great idea. Someone should try it. why not me? Sounds like fun.

Oh no worries. I am not butthurt by it.

It's just that the criteria you listed as the 2nd coming is wrong. His 1st time around you nailed, but his 2nd time he will not be doing any of these things.