Mr Spinkles
Mr
I am not proud of what I am about to say. But not saying it doesn't make it any less true. And I believe this describes the mindset of many who want to prohibit gay marriage.
When I was in grade school I thought gay marriage was very wrong. In fact I felt homosexuality in general was wrong. The stated reasons were standard: it is not natural; it's against the Bible; it furthers the general moral breakdown of our society; marriage is between a man and a woman; etc.
But there were unstated, and unconscious, reasons as well. They were emotive reasons I can only recognize now, looking back. It had to do with a mindset which stemmed from ignorance and overheard comments from my conservative parents.
Disgust
My homophobia and misconceptions lasted right up until near the beginning of high school. It was then that I started becoming really interested in girls. It was absolute torture seeing girls every day in class, wondering how many agonizing years it would be before I would....ahem....satisfy my carnal urges.
I didn't want to misbehave, or go against the Bible, or disappoint my parents. But it took tremendous willpower not to stare at girls in school, much less remain chaste until marriage 10 years down the road. No matter how hard I tried, I knew it would be *impossible* for me to willingly hold out that long.
At some point it hit me like a ton of bricks: what would I have done with myself if I had felt this irresistible attraction towards men? My homophobia shifted: gays are just unlucky people who find out during puberty they are attracted to the same sex. How could I possibly expect them to not have sex their ENTIRE lives when I can't even last the 10 years or so it will take to get married? It was suddenly very obvious to me that gay sex could not be considered wrong in any way. The inescapable conclusion was that the Bible was wrong to demand these unreasonable demands on sex, and this shook my faith. I wasn't sure what to think about gay marriage; but I was willing to toe the line I had been taught.
My English teacher
Then I had an English teacher who I heard was gay. On the first day of class, I was nervous, but also very curious. This was a Catholic school, so he could not be openly gay or the parents might raise a furor and get him fired. I was surprised by how normal he was. He was like any English teacher. I wouldn't have known he was gay if people hadn't told me. It was an extremely private thing, after all. Still, the thought of him being with another man was unpleasant for me.
I realized right away how ignorant I had been for imagining every gay person as some tutu-wearing guy with a lisp. I felt a bit bitter, too, like I had been told a great big lie, by the Bible, my parents, pastors, and TV. But I was also relieved that it had been a lie.
My teacher asked the students point-blank at the end of the first day of class, "How many of you support gay marriage?"
Wait a minute, no fair! He can't ask me that. The nerve! I thought I would just have my private beliefs, and he would know how I felt, and we wouldn't talk about it because of the sensitivity of the subject. I thought that was the deal. But instead here was this very funny, very cool teacher in front of me asking how I felt about something he desperately wanted for himself--something which he did not have, and which people like me had the power to grant or deny him.
How could I, some 16-year-old punk kid, look my 30-year-old teacher in the eye and give him a lesson about right and wrong? How could I possibly tell him that his private life was unraveling the moral fabric of our society? How could it possibly be true? If anything, he was an exceptionally principled person; in fact he had been a missionary smuggling Bibles into the Soviet Union in the '80s.
I hesitated, then raised my hand. "How many of you support the right of gays to adopt children?" Again, I raised my hand. Within 50 minutes it had become transparently obvious to me that this man would take care of a child in need as well as any other foster parent. "About half of you raised your hands. Wow, things have changed," he said.
I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I could only imagine how humiliating it would be to reach puberty and realize you like men, even though all your buddies like girls and make fun of "queers" and "****" constantly; to realize you can't possibly meet the moral imperatives of the Bible and your religion; and then for years, to ask some punk teenagers yawning in your class if they'll pretty-please let you try to find someone, and marry them, and be happy like everyone else.
But no; they expect you to drift around your whole life lonely, with no sex until you die. (This is why I think so many Catholic priests are gay. What other recourse is there for a gay man raised devout Catholic?) Kids half your age casually say they understand if you "disagree". Hey, we can agree to disagree. But it's the straight majority that makes the law, not you. For them, your unhappiness in life is a "belief" they've thoughtlessly brought with them from their Christian upbringing through adulthood.
Suffice it to say that since I had that teacher, I have had another gay teacher, gay friends and acquaintances, and a very different outlook.
I've ranted enough and it's late....
When I was in grade school I thought gay marriage was very wrong. In fact I felt homosexuality in general was wrong. The stated reasons were standard: it is not natural; it's against the Bible; it furthers the general moral breakdown of our society; marriage is between a man and a woman; etc.
But there were unstated, and unconscious, reasons as well. They were emotive reasons I can only recognize now, looking back. It had to do with a mindset which stemmed from ignorance and overheard comments from my conservative parents.
Disgust
I was basically disgusted by the thought of myself or anyone else having sexual relations with a same-sex partner (tellingly, my disgust was always directed at the thought of two gay men, not two lesbian women). I thought of it as a perverted act, like the kid who exposed himself at recess, or who chewed up some food and opened his mouth wide for all to see at the lunch table. That same "perverted" kid was also the dirty kid; he didn't wash his hands after going to the bathroom and he probably had bad breath, greasy hair and yellow teeth. Homosexuality was something that kid would do, because he finds it enjoyable to gross out other people and to break the rules when teacher isn't looking. Maybe he was just so ostracized by the other kids that he needed to act out. Or maybe he was just a degenerate and totally thoughtless of how unsanitary his behavior was.
A loud, public thing
Like chewing with one's mouth open, homosexuality was not something that was natural for the person to do without making a special effort. You don't do it because of some irresistible longing for it, like a person in love; you do it out of mere spontaneity, disdain for those around you, or some perverted mental condition. No one would ever chew their mouth wide open in private; there would be no fun in that. And thus whenever I considered the issue of homosexuality and gay marriage, I never imagined a gay couple quietly, privately enjoying each others' company. I couldn't imagine a gay couple sharing a private intimate moment the way a man and woman might. No, it was a very loud, public thing. And ENTIRELY sexual. Surely perverts would reserve the most outrageous acts for public display, grinning and giggling all the while, relishing the disgust they are causing for those around them.
No such thing as "gay people", or gay "couples"
I didn't have a conception of "gay" vs. "straight" people, any more than you would think of "closed-mouth" vs. "open-mouthed" food-chewers. There were just people acting normally vs. people acting weird and out of control.
And I didn't imagine gay "couples". I imagined only promiscuity. I would have been astounded to know then, as I know now, of same-sex partners who have lived together for 20, 30 years or more, and who have dedicated themselves to each other for life. Obviously, I had never knowingly met anyone in my life who was gay. I worried that if I did run into a gay man in public, or had a gay teacher, that he would make unwelcome advances on me (and all males for that matter).
No hatred; just incredibly ignorantAnd I didn't imagine gay "couples". I imagined only promiscuity. I would have been astounded to know then, as I know now, of same-sex partners who have lived together for 20, 30 years or more, and who have dedicated themselves to each other for life. Obviously, I had never knowingly met anyone in my life who was gay. I worried that if I did run into a gay man in public, or had a gay teacher, that he would make unwelcome advances on me (and all males for that matter).
You may have the impression that I was nasty and mean-spirited as a kid. But I really wasn't. I was homophobic, but I didn't hold any ill will at all towards gays or the 'weird kid'. In fact I was likely to feel embarrassed on behalf of the weird kid. I didn't want to actually hang out with him after school....no one did....but I wanted to be nice to him. Maybe I could help him be normal and quit acting out.
In fact two of my best friends were identical twins; I knew them from the time we were 5 years old. One of the twins was sort of like a girl. He had a more feminine voice and he was interested in dolls, making bracelets and artwork, etc. I didn't care at all. That was clearly just who he was.
How my attitudes changed
My homophobia and misconceptions lasted right up until near the beginning of high school. It was then that I started becoming really interested in girls. It was absolute torture seeing girls every day in class, wondering how many agonizing years it would be before I would....ahem....satisfy my carnal urges.
I didn't want to misbehave, or go against the Bible, or disappoint my parents. But it took tremendous willpower not to stare at girls in school, much less remain chaste until marriage 10 years down the road. No matter how hard I tried, I knew it would be *impossible* for me to willingly hold out that long.At some point it hit me like a ton of bricks: what would I have done with myself if I had felt this irresistible attraction towards men? My homophobia shifted: gays are just unlucky people who find out during puberty they are attracted to the same sex. How could I possibly expect them to not have sex their ENTIRE lives when I can't even last the 10 years or so it will take to get married? It was suddenly very obvious to me that gay sex could not be considered wrong in any way. The inescapable conclusion was that the Bible was wrong to demand these unreasonable demands on sex, and this shook my faith. I wasn't sure what to think about gay marriage; but I was willing to toe the line I had been taught.
My English teacher
Then I had an English teacher who I heard was gay. On the first day of class, I was nervous, but also very curious. This was a Catholic school, so he could not be openly gay or the parents might raise a furor and get him fired. I was surprised by how normal he was. He was like any English teacher. I wouldn't have known he was gay if people hadn't told me. It was an extremely private thing, after all. Still, the thought of him being with another man was unpleasant for me.
I realized right away how ignorant I had been for imagining every gay person as some tutu-wearing guy with a lisp. I felt a bit bitter, too, like I had been told a great big lie, by the Bible, my parents, pastors, and TV. But I was also relieved that it had been a lie.
My teacher asked the students point-blank at the end of the first day of class, "How many of you support gay marriage?"
Wait a minute, no fair! He can't ask me that. The nerve! I thought I would just have my private beliefs, and he would know how I felt, and we wouldn't talk about it because of the sensitivity of the subject. I thought that was the deal. But instead here was this very funny, very cool teacher in front of me asking how I felt about something he desperately wanted for himself--something which he did not have, and which people like me had the power to grant or deny him.
How could I, some 16-year-old punk kid, look my 30-year-old teacher in the eye and give him a lesson about right and wrong? How could I possibly tell him that his private life was unraveling the moral fabric of our society? How could it possibly be true? If anything, he was an exceptionally principled person; in fact he had been a missionary smuggling Bibles into the Soviet Union in the '80s.
I hesitated, then raised my hand. "How many of you support the right of gays to adopt children?" Again, I raised my hand. Within 50 minutes it had become transparently obvious to me that this man would take care of a child in need as well as any other foster parent. "About half of you raised your hands. Wow, things have changed," he said.
I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I could only imagine how humiliating it would be to reach puberty and realize you like men, even though all your buddies like girls and make fun of "queers" and "****" constantly; to realize you can't possibly meet the moral imperatives of the Bible and your religion; and then for years, to ask some punk teenagers yawning in your class if they'll pretty-please let you try to find someone, and marry them, and be happy like everyone else.
But no; they expect you to drift around your whole life lonely, with no sex until you die. (This is why I think so many Catholic priests are gay. What other recourse is there for a gay man raised devout Catholic?) Kids half your age casually say they understand if you "disagree". Hey, we can agree to disagree. But it's the straight majority that makes the law, not you. For them, your unhappiness in life is a "belief" they've thoughtlessly brought with them from their Christian upbringing through adulthood.
Suffice it to say that since I had that teacher, I have had another gay teacher, gay friends and acquaintances, and a very different outlook.
I've ranted enough and it's late....
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