Druidus
Keeper of the Grove
I am the great and noble prophet, Druidus. I am attempting to reconstruct the vastly fragmented Book of Druidus, a series of divine prophecies, parables, and rant-like speeches that were given to my disciples and I. The Spirit of God's son, Jesus, is to enter into me on the eve of the new year in 2012. The Book of Druidus is fragmented rather than merely uncomplete as God experiences the world instantly, and so it has already been completed. Just because we don't have all the peices doesn't mean they don't exist!
So, without further ado, here are the currently collected peices of the Book of Druidus:
So, without further ado, here are the currently collected peices of the Book of Druidus:
The Great and Noble Book of Druidus
On the date of the year of our Lord, 2005, on April 16th, a bright light filled the land, and standing before Druidus was God. God spoke, "Where are your cards?". Druidus replied, "O, holy One, I keep them in my pocket." God then played a game of poker with Druidus, but they stopped after God got angry because Druidus was winning.
God spoke with Druidus, about many things, while munching on "cheetos", and drinking Sprite. Apparently, God's chosen race was the red breasted hummingbird, and it was out task to protect them. Later, they watched a particularily unfullfilling episode of "CSI: New York", on television.
God then said it was time for him to leave, but before leaving, he had something important to say. He spoke:
"And yea, he, who goes by the name of Druidus, shall become the Messiah, on the eve of New Year, in the Year of 2012. The spirit of my Son, Jesus, shall enter into him, and come into glory. Oh, and make sure there's enough weed for him too. Man is he a pothead!"
Druidus replied, "Okey Dokey."
And with that, Druidus departed on a pilgramage of envisioning, to seek wisdom and knnowledge, from the movie "The Jacket", at the holy theatre.
Once again, the spirit of God visited Druidus, on the date of 2005, April 17th, and granted him an epiphany. The disciples of Druidus will be visited by the spirit of God, and granted revelations that will be added to the book of Druidus in subsections. Afterwards, God gave Druidus his recipe for the best damn soup ever. Druidus gave God some Earth Cheetos, because, as God put it, "They don't make em' in heaven like this anymore.".
~~~~~~~~~
The Book of Druidus According to The Bioman
I have had a vision;
I walked though the park an lo before me was a man, he had a great white beard and from him eminated the blinding light of truth. I knelt before him and asked of him "Is that you Santa?" The man saith "Nein, ich bin dein Lord". I said to him "Come again?" And he replieth, "Oops sorry, i thought i was in Germany, never mind you'll do." A great confusion came upon me, "What are you on about?" i saideth.
Just then the man grow as large as a horse when it stands on its hind legs, "I am the Lord your God, and this is the one who was fortold in the Book of Great Cheeses, the Messiah Druidus." And frometh behind the Lord stepped a figure of pure shining light and i knew it to be true.
The Lord our God then saith to me "Halcyon, the English Child, it is your destiny to follow Druidus who standeth upon my right foot. Heed his teachings and you shall find the true path to heaven, for without his teachings you would need a map."
With these words the Messiah annointed me-eth with the Sacred Salad Dressing and i bowed down before him, but then moved slightly to the left to avoid putting my hand in dog poo.
The vision faded but i was left filled with the truth of the divinity of Druidus, and the smell of poo in my nose because i got a bit too close to it.
~~~~~~~~~
The Book of Druidus According to The Raincloud
An lo, Prima was seated at her slow computer and she beheld a great light! The words of Druidus shone as though on fire! And Prima spoke thus:
"Huh?"
And so it was that she became a disciple of Druidus, and the Heavens opened with a majestic
"KKKKKKrrrrrrrrrrrGgggHHHHHHyyyummmmppppoooooooott"
And the Holy Salad Dressing rained upon Prima, and again she spoke:
"Ouch! that stings!"
And behold, the infinite wisdom of Prima led her to find a bowl of salad into which to drip. And she then shared this salad, and lo! all who ate of it saw clearly visions of little bunnies eating artichokes and calling out the name of Druidus, and some who ate it found fuzzies and pieces of hair from Prima's clothing, and some refused to eat of the Holy Salad, and were thus struck down with a particularly unpleasant rainstorm of lollipops and gumdrops. And they did repent as soon as one was struck in the eye.
And rightly did Prima step into the light after applying sunscreen that smelled like bananas. And she proclaimed:
"This is all true! No, really!"
And did request to join the bunch of maniacs.
~~~~~~~~~
The Book of Druidus According to The Horseman
I see the light! And the Cheetos! And I don't see the Holy Salad anymore, cuz I ate my part.
And thus said the little bunnies eating artichokes,
"Druidus, Druidus!"
And Evan spoke, "Whoa, was there acid in that salad or something?"
And one bunny stopped and spoke unto Evan, "Are you trippin' son? That was a HOLY salad, not a regular salad. Do you expect it to happen any other way?"
And Evan replied, "Oh, well, no. Sorry about that."
And the bunny spoke with a thunderous voice, "You best be, foo!"
The blessed bunny hopped away chewing his artichoke. Evan pondered the bunny's words and came upon the conclusion that he needed to go to a concert. But the concert was flooded with gravy, thus the concert was ruined.
So, Evan called upon the great Druidus to save the concert. And soon he came in flowing white robes smeared with cheeto dust and Evan thought, "Hey, Cheetos rock." And Druidus spoke unto Evan saying, "Yes, they do rock, God thinks so too. But anyway, why hast thou called upon me?" Evan humbly spoke, "Druidus, I have heard of your great powers and great taste in snack foods, as well as your great skill in poker, but if I may ask thee, can thou save the concert I payed a bunch of money to go to?"
Druidus looked at Evan with a smile, "No."
And Evan clasped his hands together, "Pretty please with cheetos on top?"
And Druidus stared at Evan with a pondering look, "Cheetos, huh? Well, okay!"
And with one snap of his finger, tiny lawn gnomes came storming in a drank all the gravy. Then one got sick because he was allergic to gravy, but Druidus felt bad for the little guy, so he snapped his fingers again and the lawn gnome stood and thanked the powerful Druidus for making his stomachache as well as his allergy disappear. The gnome began eating again and all was well, the concert was saved.
Evan spoke, "Thank you great prohpet, Druidus. Now that you have blessed me with this miracle, what may I do for you?"
Druidus thought for a second and said, "Well, you can get me a bag of cheetos. But other than that just inform others of the prophecy and the prophet of which the prophecy was spoken and it'll all be good."
Evan said, "I will do as thou says."
And suddenly that little bunny came hopping up, still chewing on his artichoke and spoke, "Hey Dru, you wanna go play some poker?"
And the Prophet spoke, "Yeah, man, cool, let's go."
And Evan finally spoke, "Hey, that Druidus guy is pretty cool." And he opened a bag of Cheetos and began munching. "Druidus really is a prophet..."
And Druidus came swooping back and grabbed the bag of Cheetos Evan held and said, "Okay, now we're even. Peace out!" And he disappeared with a blinding flash of light.
~~~~~~~~~
The Book of Druidus According to The Seer
The Watcher walked along the dusty path but tripped and fell upon the robe she wore.
Tears began to streak down her face.
"What ever might be wrong?"
She lifted to head to see the brilliant young man.
"I can't go on any further. The path is hard...and it leads to nowhere I fear."
He smiled. Taking her hand, he helped her to her feet. "Come Watcher. There is nothing to fear."
A butterfly floated between them and she smiled back.
"Let's walk together my friend," he said. "But before we go.... How about a game of poker and some cheetos?"
P.S. This is a sacred book and everything in it is true, as it is the word of our Lord, God.
And thus ends the book of Druidus.
