Toughness

[gottalovemoses]

I have several male siblings in my family. Some are tougher than others. What do I mean by tough? Well I'll choose one in particular. Call him Henry. He's physically tough. He'd teach in the day, then come home and spend all weekend on his farm. He is mentally tough. He didn't take nonsense from kids. If he suffered, he never complained about it. He has self discipline and he's definitely not afraid of hard work.
Toughness is something I admire in men and women. Maybe because it is one of my weaknesses. I've quit a number of jobs over the years because I couldn't hack pressure in all its forms whether it be colleagues or clients. I am easily wound up, highly strung you might say. And these days I am even worse. Small things irritate me like the guy next door who hasn't got a lid on his bin. (well rubbish does blow on to our yard)
Henry was a tough football player in his day. He'd get through 30 or 40 tackles in a game. Whereas I had some attacking ability but very little defensive skill. I could be easily intimidated on the field. Henry never, despite his small stature.
You get those stereotypes like Clint Eastwood and John Wayne. "Go on make my day" Dirty Harry would say.
Tough talk never suited me. My voice betrays the mouse inside. I am easily made anxious and can lose all confidence and composure very easily. That's why I hate public speaking as I said Moses and I have something in common.
But occasionally you come across naturally tough people in life. Tough guys I mean I guess. Although there are some incredibly tough women out there too. Leaders who ooze confidence and not afraid to make unpopular decisions. That's enviable. I was never like that.
Which brings me to the Christian context in all this. The sun shines on tough and not so tough alike. God is supposed to strengthen the weak and the ones who don't feel tough. Maybe He can toughen me up? I hope so.

 

[gottalovemoses]

But do the tough lack compassion? That is worth exploring. I do sense that Henry lacks compassion. Because he doesn't have self-pity, he will not easily feel sorry for another.
So easy to jump to conclusions like "all softies have compassion". I'm a softie for sure but my compassion can be very selective. I can really focus on my own "sad' past yet ignore someone else's. Depends on the person. I have a disabled brother. Of course I feel sorry for him being profoundly deaf, missing out on all that music. But his behaviour can test that compassion. in fact, I can feel downright fed up with him sometimes. Just because someone is disabled doesn't mean they aren't difficult. Fortunately he has some very good redeeming qualities.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

I have several male siblings in my family. Some are tougher than others. What do I mean by tough? Well I'll choose one in particular. Call him Henry. He's physically tough. He'd teach in the day, then come home and spend all weekend on his farm. He is mentally tough. He didn't take nonsense from kids. If he suffered, he never complained about it. He has self discipline and he's definitely not afraid of hard work.

Sounds like my grandfather. He was a soldier, but there was just a way he carried himself.

Toughness is something I admire in men and women. Maybe because it is one of my weaknesses. I've quit a number of jobs over the years because I couldn't hack pressure in all its forms whether it be colleagues or clients. I am easily wound up, highly strung you might say. And these days I am even worse. Small things irritate me like the guy next door who hasn't got a lid on his bin. (well rubbish does blow on to our yard)
Henry was a tough football player in his day. He'd get through 30 or 40 tackles in a game. Whereas I had some attacking ability but very little defensive skill. I could be easily intimidated on the field. Henry never, despite his small stature.

This interested me. I play a lot of sports, and over the years I have become more skillful, but I would say I'm naturally an average to above average athlete. Nothing amazing. One thing I have increasingly loved about sports is the ability to test myself physically. I'm the idiot that takes a charge in a basketball game from a guy 40 kilos heavier than me when there is 20 seconds left on the clock. It's not directly rational, but if you start to see sports as a way to test yourself, it makes more sense.
Thing is, whilst I have increasingly learned to respect my own ability to stand up and take a hit (quite literally when I was playing Aussie Rules) I'm not great at some of the other mentally tough things required. The ability to just run hard, second and third efforts, when your legs feel like lead and your lungs are burning, for example.

There are different types of toughness, and I'm yet to meet anyone (including my very tough grandfather) who has them all covered.

You get those stereotypes like Clint Eastwood and John Wayne. "Go on make my day" Dirty Harry would say.
Tough talk never suited me. My voice betrays the mouse inside. I am easily made anxious and can lose all confidence and composure very easily. That's why I hate public speaking as I said Moses and I have something in common.

I like the 'Don't tell me, show me' concept. My grandfather didn't appear tough to me because he told me he was tough. Quite the opposite. He was humble. Over time, I understood what he was.
Public speaking is a skill. 25 years ago, I couldn't stand in front of a group without a tremor in my voice. Now I can (and have) spoken in front of hundreds and enjoyed the experience. I'm not saying any of this for any reason other than to give you some encouragement. You can improve all of your skills, presentation skills amongst them.

But occasionally you come across naturally tough people in life. Tough guys I mean I guess. Although there are some incredibly tough women out there too. Leaders who ooze confidence and not afraid to make unpopular decisions. That's enviable. I was never like that.

It's very, very hard to find leaders who strike a real balance between empathy, understanding AND being able to make a tough decision. Some people can make unpopular decisions because they truly don't care what others think, or they are simply arrogant enough to believe their way is the only way. Whilst that is 'tough', I don't see it as the ultimate expression of leadership. Real leadership is harder, because you need to be able to draw on your team, but then also be decisive. Very difficult thing to master, and something it's hard to even find in others.

Which brings me to the Christian context in all this. The sun shines on tough and not so tough alike. God is supposed to strengthen the weak and the ones who don't feel tough. Maybe He can toughen me up? I hope so.

I think you know I'm an atheist, so I'll word this in a more inclusive way that I would otherwise.

God can only do the work you allow him to. If you want to become tougher, work on being tougher in small ways on a daily basis, and allow your faith to bolster that. There's no magic bullet, but it's also entirely possible to become tougher if that is what you wish.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

But do the tough lack compassion? That is worth exploring. I do sense that Henry lacks compassion. Because he doesn't have self-pity, he will not easily feel sorry for another.
So easy to jump to conclusions like "all softies have compassion". I'm a softie for sure but my compassion can be very selective. I can really focus on my own "sad' past yet ignore someone else's. Depends on the person. I have a disabled brother. Of course I feel sorry for him being profoundly deaf, missing out on all that music. But his behaviour can test that compassion. in fact, I can feel downright fed up with him sometimes. Just because someone is disabled doesn't mean they aren't difficult. Fortunately he has some very good redeeming qualities.

This is a very good addendum to your OP.
I don't believe being 'tough' excludes compassion, nor that being 'soft' means you are compassionate. Indeed, I've met many who are very good at making sympathetic noises, and then turning the conversation to their own problems as soon as possible, and I don't see that as particularly compassionate. It's certainly true, though, that the tough can lack compassion, or that they have learnt to suppress it. Something has made them 'tough', and it can be what they were taught, or the time/place in which they were raised. The problems in front of them may very well pale in comparison to some of the truly difficult things they've had to deal with.

My grandfather lived in times of depression, and fought in WW2. Me complaining about a friend not being nice to me probably seemed like small potatoes to him, and something a 'real man' would be able to deal with.

And, to be honest, treating your brother as a person is more important than being 'sympathetic'. Disabled people get to run the full gamut, just like the rest of us, and can be complete arses, just like the rest of us.

 

[gottalovemoses]

I've met many who are very good at making sympathetic noises, and then turning the conversation to their own problems

I'm guilty as charged.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

I'm guilty as charged.

Heh...I respect people who are honest with their own weaknesses. Just remember to recognize your own strengths too.

 

[gottalovemoses]

I'm the idiot that takes a charge in a basketball game from a guy 40 kilos heavier than me

You might be the archetype I'm talking about here. The "tough" archetype similar to henry my brother.
I have to remember that my brother has some idiosyncrasies which may be unique to him and not something I can generalise about all "toughies".
Traits include short temper, don't suffer fools gladly, pragmatic, opinionated, tends towards dualism IMO. (black and white thinking). When he gets excited in a debate, he might use derogatory language to boost his assertions. When he has decided something, you cant talk him out of it. In fact anyone who disagrees with him is a "fool". He's not fond of "grey". He likes the confidence of strong opinions.
Him and I don't get on well at the moment. As a Christian I need to pray on this and let God work it out. Instead of letting myself stress about it. In the meantime, I do like trying to understand these things from a psychological point of view.

 

[gottalovemoses]

There are different types of toughness, and I'm yet to meet anyone (including my very tough grandfather) who has them all covered.

That's a good point. We tend to value the more obvious ones though. People who stand out in a crowd when in fact there are many behind the scenes not getting any accolades for their toughness and endurance.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

You might be the archetype I'm talking about here. The "tough" archetype similar to henry my brother.
I have to remember that my brother has some idiosyncrasies which may be unique to him and not something I can generalise about all "toughies".
Traits include short temper, don't suffer fools gladly, pragmatic, opinionated, tends towards dualism IMO. (black and white thinking). When he gets excited in a debate, he might use derogatory language to boost his assertions. When he has decided something, you cant talk him out of it. In fact anyone who disagrees with him is a "fool". He's not fond of "grey". He likes the confidence of strong opinions.
Him and I don't get on well at the moment. As a Christian I need to pray on this and let God work it out. Instead of letting myself stress about it. In the meantime, I do like trying to understand these things from a psychological point of view.

I'm not the archetype at all. The song lyrics in my signature are from a song called 'The beauty of Grey' for example...lol

But my father and grandfather are, and there are aspects of their personality I respect, for all our differences.

Getting knocked down isn't weak, it's human. Getting straight back up is tough. I had to learn this, but I think I'm extremely mentally resilient now.

However, I like people to disagree with me which my father and grandfather hate. I think most everything is subjective whereas they're black and white. I'm intellectual but love sports and beer, they're physical, but love sports and beer...lol

I'm also a psych major (qualified teacher) and find these sort of discussions interesting. My father and grandfather would see it as overthinking things, and advise you to 'just bloody well get on with it'...

If you asked what 'it' was, they'd call you a smart-arse.

 

[gottalovemoses]

I'm also a psych major (qualified teacher

You may as well know the following.
I'm 59. Ex teacher of primary school and adult English language teaching. Did a post grad counselling a few years ago. Only a grad. cert. though. Too expensive to do the rest of the masters. And I live in WA. I see you're a Melbournite.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

You may as well know the following.
I'm 59. Ex teacher of primary school and adult English language teaching. Did a post grad counselling a few years ago. Only a grad. cert. though. Too expensive to do the rest of the masters. And I live in WA. I see you're a Melbournite.

Hah!

Yes indeed, Melbourne, although I've lived (and taught) in remote Papua New Guinea, and lived in Auckland also.

I was a primary teacher too, only did it for 4-5 years then moved into business software.

I get to Perth occasionally, both for work and as my wife has family there. I'm 42, so just a young 'un...

 

[gottalovemoses]

If you can allow me to make generalisations about softies and toughies.
I don't think we empathise with each other well.

Tough people don't understand softies. They think if you just try harder, you'll succeed.
They don't understand anxiety.
They don't understand mountains we make out of molehills.
They cant understand why we are making such a big deal about it.

Softies tend to overintellectualize. Toughies tend to oversimplify and pragmatize.
Softies think outside the square but often miss the blatantly obvious. Toughies tend to be very rational and logical.
Softies are attracted to the Arts rather than Sciences.
Softies prefer intuitive thinking.
Softies may be more suited to believing something without the evidence in front of them. (hence likely to accept Christianity)

 

[gottalovemoses]

I've lived (and taught) in remote Papua New Guinea

that is "tough".
I spent almost 15 years in "softie" Japan.
after 10 years in NSW as a primary school teacher.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

that is "tough".
I spent almost 15 years in "softie" Japan.
after 10 years in NSW as a primary school teacher.

Japan is a place I'd like to get to at some point. Such a unique/strong culture to explore.

 

[gottalovemoses]

Japan is a place I'd like to get to at some point. Such a unique/strong culture to explore.

People went for the money when I was there. Like a gold rush. My wife and I paid off a house here while we there .But no money in it now I heard

 

[lewisnotmiller]

People went for the money when I was there. Like a gold rush. My wife and I paid off a house here while we there .But no money in it now I heard

Yeah. My cousin (much younger) just spent time there. He came back as broke as when he went, but had a good experience.
I'm probably not looking to move there. Have considered moving to Europe (France/Germany) or Canada of late, work-related. But looking more like I'll stay in Melbourne for the forseeable, and just travel as time and money allows with my family.