Welcome to my Speakeasy

[Balthazzar]

This speakeasy isn't about liquor or anything illicit, but no religion is allowed within the confines of this thread. Failure to comply will ensure you a rightful seat as a willful dissenter with intent to disrupt the play.

Anyway, two guys walk into a bar. One was a layer the other a priest. The bartender looks at the lawyer "What's your poison?" The lawyer replied: "Double shot of Makers and a bottle of warm water"

The bartender then looks at the priest "Hey Tom" and walks away.

After serving the lawyer his double shot of Makers, along with a bottle of warm water, he sits a fifth of Elijah Craig in front of the Priest

"I figured you'd be having the usual"

 

[Revoltingest]

A priest, a rabbi, & a minister walk into a bar.
The rabbi says to the bartender...
"Did you hear the one about us?"
(Read that in Jackie Mason's voice.)

 

[Balthazzar]

 

[Wu Wei]

A distraught man walked into a Florida bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?” Bartender, not knowing what to make of a man entering his bar with an alligator, began to chuckle a little and said “sure.” With a big smile on his face the man told the bartender, “Good! One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator!”

 

[Balthazzar]

Everyone laid a bill on the table for the ante ...

We we're playing poker with no cards and best hand derived from the serial numbers claimed the pot.

Anyway, I lost my bill and decided to go to the club to wind down a little

Dangerous? Meh ...

 

[Wu Wei]

Wait... if I order a Rochefort Trappist beer...am I breaking the rules about no religion?

 

[Wu Wei]

Bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "One whiskey and ................... one coke. “Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. “I don’t know, I was born with them,” says the bear.

 

[Balthazzar]

Yesterday

Today

 

[Balthazzar]

 

[Revoltingest]

Bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "One whiskey and ................... one coke. “Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. “I don’t know, I was born with them,” says the bear.

That was better than the other one.

 

[Balthazzar]

Every eye was on her and I'm not sure if a single person in the entire joint didn't want to take her home.

Pick up line after pickup line they came and went.

She went on about her way without batting an eye or showing a shred of interest in any of them.

"It was the woman" he said ... " The one with the librarian glasses and suit pants who she left with."

...and someone drops a dime in juke box.

"Hotel California"

The bartender shouts: "Yeah well, she looked like fun!"

Everyone in the bar nods and raised a glass.

 

[RestlessSoul]

A skeleton walks into a bar. Orders a pint of lager and a mop.

 

[ChristineM]

“Poor old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fishing in a puddle outside a bar. So he invited the old man inside for a drink.

As they sipped their whisky, the gentleman thought he’d humour the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

 

[Alien826]

A man and an ostrich walk into a bar.

The man orders a whiskey and the ostrich says "I'll have the same". The barman serves their drinks and says "That's $9.57". The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out some bills and coins and puts them on the bar without counting them. It's exactly $9.57. He orders again, this time a beer. The ostrich says "I'll have the same". This time it's $8.23. Again the man produces the exact sum without looking at it.

The barman is intrigued and asks how the man does it. He explains that he let a genie out of a bottle (usual story) and got two wishes. "I asked that I would always have enough money for my needs, and for a long legged chick that agreed with everything I say".

 

[Wu Wei]

A koala bear walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a water
pistol and squirts the bartender.
As the koala stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just squirted me and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”
The koala yells back at the bartender, “Hey, man, I’m a koala! Look it up!”
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for koala: “A tree-dwelling marsupial of Australian origin, characterized by a broad head, large hairy ears, dense gray fur and sharp claws. Eats shoots and leaves.”

 

[Wu Wei]

For science geeks that walk into a bar

Two scientists walk into a bar. One says, "I'll have an H2O please"
The second scientist says, "I'll have an H2O too." The second scientist died.

A neutron walks into a bar and asks "How much for a whisky ?"
And the Bartender replies, "For you, No charge!"

 

[ChristineM]

I walk into a pub and say, “Give me a beer and a mop, please.”

 

[Balthazzar]

The Christian looks at the lady at the bar as says: "You know drunkards have no place in heaven, right?"

The Catholic says: "I will hear your confession if you're ready"

The Buddhist says: "You must lose need for your attachment's"

The Muslim says: Nothing he simply drops to the floor in prayer.

The band is watching all this play out and the singer motions for the woman at the bar: "Can I buy you a drink?"

The bartender then looks at the woman and says: "**** it, you can have the whole damn place it's done gone to hell."

 

[Balthazzar]

 

[Balthazzar]