What is the Most Fundamental Cause of Romantic Infatuations?

[Sunstone]

I myself am of the admittedly alarming opinion that, of all the challenges and issues now facing humanity, the greatest of all problems [1] is for our noble and esteemed species of fang-challenged, poo-flinging super apes to get a more useful and insightful definition of "infatuation".

Traditionally, the notion of infatuation implies a fleeting, superficial, romantic attraction, with the emphasis here on FLEETING.

"Poo", I say! "Poo" to that!

Such a definition masks more than it reveals about the true nature of infatuation. For instance, it fails to acknowledge that a person's infatuation with someone can actually last years, even perhaps decades. It arbitrarily states that all infatuations are brief and fleeting. Worse, it implies that anything brief and fleeting is a mere infatuation, while anything long and lasting is love.

What hokey! What nonsense!

In truth, I submit three points:

1. Not all infatuations are brief -- some last for years.
2. Not every true love is enduring -- some (perhaps even most) are brief, but genuine love.
3. To call infatuations "fleeting" is both mistaken (see #1 above) and obscures the truth (see #2 above).

So what then, is a truer description of an infatuation?

I firmly and staunchly believe [2] that all infatuations have in common that they are based -- not on loving someone for who they are -- but on loving the relationship we have, or wish to have, with them.

That's to say, we don't like them so much as we like -- or would like -- them to be in some preferred relationship to us. Say, the relationship of being a boyfriend or girlfriend to us.

Consequently, we value the relationship we have (or wish to have) with them more than we value them. For instance, we might come to hate them if they do not behave in ways that affirm to us the relationship we want with them. "You're looking at another woman? I hate you, Jimmy Snerklestein, you false-eyed son of a promiscuous cat!" All most all "love/hate" relationships fall into the category of "infatuations" -- though we deny it. When your relationship to your partner means more to you than your partner, then you're infatuated. And you're also infatuated when your desire to possess your partner, to own them, outweighs your love for them as they are.

It does not matter how long your relationship to someone lasts, infatuation crucially depends not on the length of a relationship, but on whether one values the relationship more than the person.

Comments? Observations? Misunderstandings? Reasoned objections? Requests for an email address to mail nude selfies to?


____________________________
FOOTNOTES:
[1] Of course I'm lying here. Defining "infatuation" is NOT the biggest, most pressing problem for humanity. But you already knew that, didn't you?
[2] I'm lying again! I don't firmly and staunchly believe any of this. I'm only tossing it out to hopefully start a decent and stimulating conversation. Can you imagine? A decent and stimulating conversation on RF? Hah! I crack you up, don't I?

 

[beenherebeforeagain]

supper apes

Supper apes? Brunch I could understand, or lunch...but supper?

 

[4consideration]

Determining the cause of romantic infatuations may be the most pressing issue of modern times!

I agree infatuations are not necessarily fleeting.

I can also agree it is possible what is liked most is the relationship with what we think that person could be to us.

Mostly, though, I think what we like most is what we get to make up and hold as true regarding that person -- and then applying only those things to our view and imagination of that person.

Infatuation may remain for years, provided there's not too much real-life interaction, where most of the relationship (that type of relationship) remains within the near-perfect, and instantaneously changing imagination.

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Hah! I crack you up, don't I?

No you don't!

I don't think you are a "funny" person at all!

Interesting topic though ... may get back to you in a little while.

And please - I beg of you - lay off the attempted humour!

 

[Geoff-Allen]

I myself am of the admittedly alarming opinion that, of all the challenges and issues now facing humanity, the greatest of all problems [1] is for our noble and esteemed species of fang-challenged, poo-flinging supper apes to get a more useful and insightful definition of "infatuation".

For once in your sorry life you just might be onto something!

The lack of genuine "love" in this world is indeed a major problem - causes an endless supply of frustration and disappointment.

I used to experience infatuation and physical desire but now that I am completely enlightened I don't need either!

Don't envy me too much - I had to experience a VERY rough ride to reach this point of serenity.

Thanks for the topic!

 

[Sunstone]

Supper apes? Brunch I could understand, or lunch...but supper?

Thanks! I'll correct it.

 

[shunyadragon]

Body odor, and ah . . . genetically compatable saliva..

 

[beenherebeforeagain]

Determining the cause of romantic infatuations may be the most pressing issue of modern times!

I agree infatuations are not necessarily fleeting.

I can also agree it is possible what is liked most is the relationship with what we think that person could be to us.

Mostly, though, I think what we like most is what we get to make up and hold as true regarding that person -- and then applying only those things to our view and imagination of that person.

Infatuation may remain for years, provided there's not too much real-life interaction, where most of the relationship (that type of relationship) remains within the near-perfect, and instantaneously changing imagination.

yeah, actual experience of the subject of your affections can do a lot to end an infatuation...but can also lead to more stable, long-lasting love...or hate...

 

[Sunstone]

Infatuation may remain for years, provided there's not too much real-life interaction, where most of the relationship (that type of relationship) remains within the near-perfect, and instantaneously changing imagination.

Good point! I agree that infatuations tend not to withstand actually interaction with the object of the infatuation. Although, I have known of a few that did. Strange, those.

 

[Sunstone]

yeah, actual experience of the subject of your affections can do a lot to end an infatuation...but can also lead to more stable, long-lasting love...or hate...

True that. Good point!

 

[Debater Slayer]

I myself am of the admittedly alarming opinion that, of all the challenges and issues now facing humanity, the greatest of all problems [1] is for our noble and esteemed species of fang-challenged, poo-flinging super apes to get a more useful and insightful definition of "infatuation".

Traditionally, the notion of infatuation implies a fleeting, superficial, romantic attraction, with the emphasis here on FLEETING.

"Poo", I say! "Poo" to that!

Such a definition masks more than it reveals about the true nature of infatuation. For instance, it fails to acknowledge that a person's infatuation with someone can actually last years, even perhaps decades. It arbitrarily states that all infatuations are brief and fleeting. Worse, it implies that anything brief and fleeting is a mere infatuation, while anything long and lasting is love.

What hokey! What nonsense!

In truth, I submit three points:

1. Not all infatuations are brief -- some last for years.
2. Not every true love is enduring -- some (perhaps even most) are brief, but genuine love.
3. To call infatuations "fleeting" is both mistaken (see #1 above) and obscures the truth (see #2 above).

So what then, is a truer description of an infatuation?

I firmly and staunchly believe [2] that all infatuations have in common that they are based -- not on loving someone for who they are -- but on loving the relationship we have, or wish to have, with them.

That's to say, we don't like them so much as we like -- or would like -- them to be in some preferred relationship to us. Say, the relationship of being a boyfriend or girlfriend to us.

Consequently, we value the relationship we have (or wish to have) with them more than we value them. For instance, we might come to hate them if they do not behave in ways that affirm to us the relationship we want with them. "You're looking at another woman? I hate you, Jimmy Snerklestein, you false-eyed son of a promiscuous cat!" All most all "love/hate" relationships fall into the category of "infatuations" -- though we deny it. When your relationship to your partner means more to you than your partner, then you're infatuated. And you're also infatuated when your desire to possess your partner, to own them, outweighs your love for them as they are.

It does not matter how long your relationship to someone lasts, infatuation crucially depends not on the length of a relationship, but on whether one values the relationship more than the person.

Comments? Observations? Misunderstandings? Reasoned objections? Requests for an email address to mail nude selfies to?


____________________________
FOOTNOTES:
[1] Of course I'm lying here. Defining "infatuation" is NOT the biggest, most pressing problem for humanity. But you already knew that, didn't you?
[2] I'm lying again! I don't firmly and staunchly believe any of this. I'm only tossing it out to hopefully start a decent and stimulating conversation. Can you imagine? A decent and stimulating conversation on RF? Hah! I crack you up, don't I?

One of my most immediate thoughts about infatuation is that a lot of people seem--either through lack of knowledge about mental health or through underestimation of just how much personality disorders can affect emotional impulses--to not realize that many instances of infatuation stem from personality disorders and impulsiveness, dependency, and idealization rooted in pathology.

As a psychiatrist once told me, "Some people with personality disorders either love you to the point of idealization or abuse you and try to make you feel distressed." What we currently know about certain personality disorders seems to me to be tremendously helpful in allowing us to understand the root and nature of many infatuations--which, even in some of those cases, are also hinged on valuing the relationship more than the person, as you mentioned.

 

[Polymath257]

Too many people are 'in love' with the idea of the person they have constructed in their minds. It doesn't even have to be the relationship, per se, that is treasured, but just that some image must be maintained, even at the expense of the person.

One key aspect: if you are not able to be honest or have your partner be honest, then it is likely to be infatuation.

If, on the other hand, you know all of their faults and they know all of yours, and you still want to be with them, then love is more likely.

if your partner can't handle you looking at an attractive person, or you can't handle them looking at an attractive person, then ownership is the issue and partnership is difficult.

At least, that's how I try to live my life.

 

[Enoch07]

I firmly and staunchly believe [2] that all infatuations have in common that they are based -- not on loving someone for who they are -- but on loving the relationship we have, or wish to have, with them.

I won't speak for anyone but myself.

But in my past, I had a tendency to idealize people. It took me a long time to realize I was in love with the idea of them instead of the reality that is them . It's something I try to be conscious of now, but I still do it time to time.

 

[Mock Turtle]

Too many people are 'in love' with the idea of the person they have constructed in their minds. It doesn't even have to be the relationship, per se, that is treasured, but just that some image must be maintained, even at the expense of the person.

One key aspect: if you are not able to be honest or have your partner be honest, then it is likely to be infatuation.

If, on the other hand, you know all of their faults and they know all of yours, and you still want to be with them, then love is more likely.

if your partner can't handle you looking at an attractive person, or you can't handle them looking at an attractive person, then ownership is the issue and partnership is difficult.

At least, that's how I try to live my life.

I tend to agree with this, but being the opposite of an expert on love, I would caution others to just ignore what I say - as usual.

However, I do have some thoughts as to infatuation perhaps being the other being seen in some kind of idealisation role, which I believe is what you have essentially said. And I have actually experienced this, delusional as it might have been (and unsuccessful too unfortunately).

Edit: To clarify - I think that we often form an image in our minds of some idealised person, and sometimes those with whom we become infatuated are seen in this role.

 

[4consideration]

yeah, actual experience of the subject of your affections can do a lot to end an infatuation...but can also lead to more stable, long-lasting love...or hate...

Yes, indeed.

I think, either way, the "infatuation" part ends with actual experience in that area of life, when the relationship deals more and more with real-life than fantasy qualities.

Good point! I agree that infatuations tend not to withstand actually interaction with the object of the infatuation. Although, I have known of a few that did. Strange, those.

It's been many years, but I had a few rather long infatuations before I was married.

I found they tended to be based upon some real and admirable qualities, and allowing the mind to fill in the blanks of what is unknown with only the most admirable traits and assumptions.

It could even be someone one sees on a daily basis, so much is observed in one area of life (like work) but how the person is in personal matters remains the mystery.

Funny, but it seems I stopped coming up with infatuations when I also stopped automatically disliking someone as a person for holding opinions I strongly disagree with...the you are "this", and I will view everything about you through this lens (all wonderful, or terrible). It's like that habit of infatuation just dissipated.

(I think it could be the other side of the same coin. Not sure. Just a thought.)

 

[Polymath257]

I have found that infatuation tends to go away when I repeatedly remind myself the object of my infatuation is a *person* with real feelings and real troubles and real opinions that differ from mine.

 

[4consideration]

It occurs to me I may have stopped getting infatuated after I had a family to consider, because I can't even pretend to myself that any other romantic relationship would be good.

At this time, I would see it as a betrayal of, and therefore harmful to, the people I love. Such type of fantasy relationships seemed ok when I was single, but since I don't buy it as a real and possitive possibility, it seems there's no sense in even entertaining the notion.

 

[atanu]

I firmly and staunchly believe [2] that all infatuations have in common that they are based -- not on loving someone for who they are -- but on loving the relationship we have, or wish to have, with them.

The question remains why? Why some particular person/s?