What to do?

[endlessvoid2018]

Hello all. Me and my wife, have been Christians ever since we were young as it is what we were taught. However, her family basically grew up in church. They were there 2-3 times a week, plus whatever things that were involving them and others socially. I have been questioning my "faith," for a long time due to personal battles. Well, since the beginning of the year, we have been attending church with my in laws on a fairly regular basis. However, I had found out about the concept of Deism a few months back, and after that, I pretty much said I'm out. I haven't been to church since. Not necessarily because of that, but due to things beyond my control.
I told my wife about all my feelings, and she, surprisingly, came up with the same conclusion that she doesn't know what she believes anymore either.

Well, recently, I made the dumb mistake about telling my FIL that I am Agnostic. He was pretty understanding, as I have a lot going on in my life, among the things that had already made me question my Christian faith and abandon it. Both of my in laws are church leaders, so their position is pretty unmoving on such things. My wife is scared however of being treated differently by them, as they do not know that she is in the same boat that I am with my "faith," essentially.

How do we even respond to things like this? It seems pretty ludicrous to me that someone would treat their daughter and family any differently because of their belief system has changed. Also, we have a 5 year old son. This also factors in. I don't want him to be "indoctrinated," or treated any differently because of what he may or may not believe in the future. He can believe whatever he wants. However, I am unsure of what to teach him ourselves?

Help!

 

[Secret Chief]

Hello all. Me and my wife, have been Christians ever since we were young as it is what we were taught. However, her family basically grew up in church. They were there 2-3 times a week, plus whatever things that were involving them and others socially. I have been questioning my "faith," for a long time due to personal battles. Well, since the beginning of the year, we have been attending church with my in laws on a fairly regular basis. However, I had found out about the concept of Deism a few months back, and after that, I pretty much said I'm out. I haven't been to church since. Not necessarily because of that, but due to things beyond my control.
I told my wife about all my feelings, and she, surprisingly, came up with the same conclusion that she doesn't know what she believes anymore either.

Well, recently, I made the dumb mistake about telling my FIL that I am Agnostic. He was pretty understanding, as I have a lot going on in my life, among the things that had already made me question my Christian faith and abandon it. Both of my in laws are church leaders, so their position is pretty unmoving on such things. My wife is scared however of being treated differently by them, as they do not know that she is in the same boat that I am with my "faith," essentially.

How do we even respond to things like this? It seems pretty ludicrous to me that someone would treat their daughter and family any differently because of their belief system has changed. Also, we have a 5 year old son. This also factors in. I don't want him to be "indoctrinated," or treated any differently because of what he may or may not believe in the future. He can believe whatever he wants. However, I am unsure of what to teach him ourselves?

Help!

This forum has quite a few ex-Christians on it, so I'm sure you'll get some appropriate responses. The forum has a real mixed bag of people so you're probably in the right place.

 

[ChristineM]

@endlessvoid2018

This forum has quite a few ex-Christians on it, so I'm sure you'll get some appropriate responses. The forum has a real mixed bag of people so you're probably in the right place.

^^^ THIS ^^^

i hope you get you and yours sorted.

 

[exchemist]

Hello all. Me and my wife, have been Christians ever since we were young as it is what we were taught. However, her family basically grew up in church. They were there 2-3 times a week, plus whatever things that were involving them and others socially. I have been questioning my "faith," for a long time due to personal battles. Well, since the beginning of the year, we have been attending church with my in laws on a fairly regular basis. However, I had found out about the concept of Deism a few months back, and after that, I pretty much said I'm out. I haven't been to church since. Not necessarily because of that, but due to things beyond my control.
I told my wife about all my feelings, and she, surprisingly, came up with the same conclusion that she doesn't know what she believes anymore either.

Well, recently, I made the dumb mistake about telling my FIL that I am Agnostic. He was pretty understanding, as I have a lot going on in my life, among the things that had already made me question my Christian faith and abandon it. Both of my in laws are church leaders, so their position is pretty unmoving on such things. My wife is scared however of being treated differently by them, as they do not know that she is in the same boat that I am with my "faith," essentially.

How do we even respond to things like this? It seems pretty ludicrous to me that someone would treat their daughter and family any differently because of their belief system has changed. Also, we have a 5 year old son. This also factors in. I don't want him to be "indoctrinated," or treated any differently because of what he may or may not believe in the future. He can believe whatever he wants. However, I am unsure of what to teach him ourselves?

Help!

The reaction of your father-in-law seems positive. You may find that they are intelligent enough to realise that reacting negatively to this news is only going to alienate you both. It's pretty common for people to go through stages of belief and unbelief in the course of their lives. (One of the greatest lessons of life I think I have learnt, now that I am 69 years old, is that you are never the only one to have thought or acted as you have. Others have always been there too.)

So it seems to me that an experienced church leader will have come across this before and won't want to rock the boat while you are working things out. After all, they probably hope that eventually you may want to come back to religion, in some way. That's going to be far harder if they antagonise you. Maybe she can be diplomatic and say she too needs a break, while you both deal with whatever it is that has precipitated this change of heart, without making a dramatic "loss of faith" announcement. It's hard to un-say dramatic statements, so possibly not wise or necessary to make one at this point.

Good luck.

 

[endlessvoid2018]

Thanks for the responses! He did also tell me he went through stages of unbelief as well. However, in my predicament, it's a little different. I, myself, have finally realized that it's okay not to be a Christian. I have went through constant stages of unbelief, guilt, for years. Mostly because I believed that the Christian way, was the only way, and if not, I'm going to hell. I'm no longer afraid of such things, as I have no way in proving that they even exist, so why worry about them? I will live my best life and try to be a good person. This, for me, is the best I can do. This essentially means I don't think I am ever going back to being a Christian, as it doesn't align with what I believe, and what I strongly stand for. They, however, do not know that, so I guess it's safe to say that's why they think I may possibly "come back," to the faith sooner or later once life isn't as hard. I don't believe Jesus Christ is God and our savior, and I don't believe in religion any longer. I do believe in the possibility that there may be some kind of higher power, God, or Gods whatever, but there is also a possibility that there is nothing. By that token, I am hesitant to completely commit to something 100%.

My wife, however, I'm not so sure about. Her mother tends to come in with some weird questions, which she has done before in other circumstances. I just don't believe that someone should treat someone badly in their own family because of religion. I would never treat my son this way. He is free to believe whatever he wants.

 

[exchemist]

Thanks for the responses! He did also tell me he went through stages of unbelief as well. However, in my predicament, it's a little different. I, myself, have finally realized that it's okay not to be a Christian. I have went through constant stages of unbelief, guilt, for years. Mostly because I believed that the Christian way, was the only way, and if not, I'm going to hell. I'm no longer afraid of such things, as I have no way in proving that they even exist, so why worry about them? I will live my best life and try to be a good person. This, for me, is the best I can do. This essentially means I don't think I am ever going back to being a Christian, as it doesn't align with what I believe, and what I strongly stand for. They, however, do not know that, so I guess it's safe to say that's why they think I may possibly "come back," to the faith sooner or later once life isn't as hard. I don't believe Jesus Christ is God and our savior, and I don't believe in religion any longer. I do believe in the possibility that there may be some kind of higher power, God, or Gods whatever, but there is also a possibility that there is nothing. By that token, I am hesitant to completely commit to something 100%.

My wife, however, I'm not so sure about.

That's fine and that's what you think at the moment, so you must go with that. But no need to burn your boats. Religion can offer more than just the literal "truth" of its doctrines: a chance once a week to reflect on one's life, to consider the messages of the gospel writers for living one's life, irrespective of the literal truth of the individual stories, tradition, and continuity with people in the past, community, an aesthetic sense of peace and calm, etc.
You may find one day these aspects draw you back, to some form of observance, if not necessarily to doctrinally correct belief. I think all of us with any brains mix and match for ourselves. We don't just take everything we are told on trust.

 

[sun rise]

Maybe she can be diplomatic and say she too needs a break, while you both deal with whatever it is that has precipitated this change of heart, without making a dramatic "loss of faith" announcement. It's hard to un-say dramatic statements, so possibly not wise or necessary to make one at this point.

I think you need more in depth advice than we can provide. But we can give you some things to think about.

Following up on @exchemist 's post, my question is about the Bible. Are there passages that you and your wife agree with leaving aside belief in God? Personally I think it would be easier if you could talk about what you agree with such as various ethical principles.

Not necessarily because of that, but due to things beyond my control.

This is an example of something that to me asks for more details.

 

[SalixIncendium]

Hello all. Me and my wife, have been Christians ever since we were young as it is what we were taught. However, her family basically grew up in church. They were there 2-3 times a week, plus whatever things that were involving them and others socially. I have been questioning my "faith," for a long time due to personal battles. Well, since the beginning of the year, we have been attending church with my in laws on a fairly regular basis. However, I had found out about the concept of Deism a few months back, and after that, I pretty much said I'm out. I haven't been to church since. Not necessarily because of that, but due to things beyond my control.
I told my wife about all my feelings, and she, surprisingly, came up with the same conclusion that she doesn't know what she believes anymore either.

Well, recently, I made the dumb mistake about telling my FIL that I am Agnostic. He was pretty understanding, as I have a lot going on in my life, among the things that had already made me question my Christian faith and abandon it. Both of my in laws are church leaders, so their position is pretty unmoving on such things. My wife is scared however of being treated differently by them, as they do not know that she is in the same boat that I am with my "faith," essentially.

How do we even respond to things like this? It seems pretty ludicrous to me that someone would treat their daughter and family any differently because of their belief system has changed. Also, we have a 5 year old son. This also factors in. I don't want him to be "indoctrinated," or treated any differently because of what he may or may not believe in the future. He can believe whatever he wants. However, I am unsure of what to teach him ourselves?

Help!

I was raised in a Catholic household, but departed from Catholicism in my teens. My mother and brother are still convinced I'm going to Hell, and my mother tells my ex and daughter that she prays for me. Parents will react as they will, but in my own experience, their reaction has everything to do with them and nothing to do with me. I wouldn't volunteer my views, but I wouldn't lie about them, either.

My daughters were raised by me to believe what they will. But they were exposed to Christianity and Catholicism by my grandparents and my younger by her mother as well. I didn't talk about spirituality unless they asked, and I would answer questions openly. My elder daughter was more curious than the younger, so I discussed with her various religions and beliefs and exposed her to what I knew about them, including Christianity. My elder daughter was a Christo-Pagan, and my younger is an agnostic.

What you do is your choice, but I'm hoping my experiences at least gave you some insights. Feel free to ask questions.

 

[Jayhawker Soule]

My daughters were raised by me to believe what they will. But they were exposed to Christianity and Catholicism by my grandparents and my younger by her mother as well. I didn't talk about spirituality unless they asked, and I would answer questions openly

Well said.

 

[Vinayaka]

Hello all. Me and my wife, have been Christians ever since we were young as it is what we were taught. However, her family basically grew up in church. They were there 2-3 times a week, plus whatever things that were involving them and others socially. I have been questioning my "faith," for a long time due to personal battles. Well, since the beginning of the year, we have been attending church with my in laws on a fairly regular basis. However, I had found out about the concept of Deism a few months back, and after that, I pretty much said I'm out. I haven't been to church since. Not necessarily because of that, but due to things beyond my control.
I told my wife about all my feelings, and she, surprisingly, came up with the same conclusion that she doesn't know what she believes anymore either.

Well, recently, I made the dumb mistake about telling my FIL that I am Agnostic. He was pretty understanding, as I have a lot going on in my life, among the things that had already made me question my Christian faith and abandon it. Both of my in laws are church leaders, so their position is pretty unmoving on such things. My wife is scared however of being treated differently by them, as they do not know that she is in the same boat that I am with my "faith," essentially.

How do we even respond to things like this? It seems pretty ludicrous to me that someone would treat their daughter and family any differently because of their belief system has changed. Also, we have a 5 year old son. This also factors in. I don't want him to be "indoctrinated," or treated any differently because of what he may or may not believe in the future. He can believe whatever he wants. However, I am unsure of what to teach him ourselves?

Help!

Sometimes a persons gotta do what a persons gotta do. If family members disown you for being honest about how you perceive the world, that's on them, not you. The other thing that usually applies is generally time heals all wounds. They will want to see their 5 year old grandson, and can lighten up for that reason alone. I rarely talked about my change of faith with family, and that helped. You can generally manipulate what's to be talked about. Best wishes.

 

[endlessvoid2018]

I think you need more in depth advice than we can provide. But we can give you some things to think about.

Following up on @exchemist 's post, my question is about the Bible. Are there passages that you and your wife agree with leaving aside belief in God? Personally I think it would be easier if you could talk about what you agree with such as various ethical principles.


This is an example of something that to me asks for more details.

Basically, things that don't make sense to me. I haven't read the whole Bible, but such notions as the flood, homosexuality/same sex activities being contradictory with science it would seem, and some other things I've read about that basically don't make sense to me coming from an "all loving and merciful God." I don't really like to put it out there, but I sort of recently came out to a few as being not straight. I've had a hard time for years reconciling this with my Christian faith. Basically, I came to the conclusion on my own that a lot of things in the Bible from my understanding, as well as others that I have looked into, is that it doesn't add up. Whether they are literal or metaphorical, really had me asking myself, "uh what?" or "I don't agree with this at all." It was right around this time that I read about the philosophy of Deism. All these things together, ultimately are what had me choose to stop believing in Christianity. I figured well, if I can believe in God still, without all this other stuff, on my own terms, this seems more practical to me. However, along the way, even though I like the philosophy of it, I found Deism to be a bit flat, so I ultimately just came to terms with being Agnostic, as I don't really know anymore what I think/know. Basically, I question everything now. And since I cannot prove one way or another that a God may or may not exist, regardless of my own beliefs, I am hesitant to commit to something 100%. I suppose that could change in the future.

From my own point of view, I cannot get behind something like this if one of the core beliefs of the religion itself, the Bible, I don't agree with. I don't mind church, but I guess I would attend still sometimes as a sense of community with others. I spoke to my wife about all this, and once it started kind of resonating with her, she basically told me she started to feel unsure and similar to the way I do about certain things. I told her there is nothing wrong with questioning things. She basically now doesn't consider herself a Christian anymore, either. She still believes in God, but is unsure about lots of things.

 

[Aupmanyav]

How do we even respond to things like this?

Keep it under wrap as I keep my atheism under wrap (don't brag about it in the family). Be practical.

 

[LuisDantas]

I am not necessarily (or at all) an enthusiast of hiding one's beliefs and _particularly_ disbeliefs myself. It would be (and is) sad to hesitate to talk openly about such matters with the people who are willing and able to listen and understand.

Even among us disbelievers there is often way too much reluctance to be open about our disbelief and their consequences (or lack of same) among loved ones. I just don't see much rhyme or reason in doing so.

Then again, I have no family.

What I do see as important and necessary is making continued and sincere efforts at gauging which subject matters the people close to you are willing and able to engage with. Religion, belief and disbelief are not unusual in this respect. Not all disbelievers will have that disbelief in similarly central places of their interests and emotional lives, but then again being a teacher or an Engineer will not always translate into predictable levels of discussion and engagement among loved ones either.

As a rule, I advise hiding very little (ideally nothing at all) but being aware of how much interest and confort your interlocutors have for each subject matter. Sometimes they will want to avoid certain subjects out of personal confort, and that is ok as long as you are not misleading them on purpose. Sometimes they will want to learn more and establish fruitful, respectful dialogue; those are precious joys that you should revel in finding and expressing.

Far as I can perceive, that rule applies in the whole spectrum from very intimate relationships to very casual acquaintances.

It should not be necessary to actively avoid any mention of one's beliefs and disbeliefs. But if it is, try to make it the other person's choice as opposed to yours. Hiding subject matters isn't all that more respectful than the alternative IMO.

 

[Aupmanyav]

@LuisDantas , when it comes to discussions, I am as blunt in the family as I am in the forums. I have clearly told them that I do not want any rituals conducted for me after my death, and they must not hang me (i.e., my photograph) after my death. They should just forget me.

 

[endlessvoid2018]

I have now found that the best thing to definitely do is keep my beliefs, or non-beliefs, to myself. It's honestly nobody's business. I'm an Agnostic with leaning towards Deism/Pandeism/Pantheism in terms of possible beliefs. The only person I really share this with honestly is my wife.

 

[ChristineM]

I have now found that the best thing to definitely do is keep my beliefs, or non-beliefs, to myself. It's honestly nobody's business. I'm an Agnostic with leaning towards Deism/Pandeism/Pantheism in terms of possible beliefs. The only person I really share this with honestly is my wife.

And everyone on this forum

 

[endlessvoid2018]

Well, yes, but that's a bit different

 

[PureX]

Hello all. Me and my wife, have been Christians ever since we were young as it is what we were taught. However, her family basically grew up in church. They were there 2-3 times a week, plus whatever things that were involving them and others socially. I have been questioning my "faith," for a long time due to personal battles. Well, since the beginning of the year, we have been attending church with my in laws on a fairly regular basis. However, I had found out about the concept of Deism a few months back, and after that, I pretty much said I'm out. I haven't been to church since. Not necessarily because of that, but due to things beyond my control.
I told my wife about all my feelings, and she, surprisingly, came up with the same conclusion that she doesn't know what she believes anymore either.

Well, recently, I made the dumb mistake about telling my FIL that I am Agnostic. He was pretty understanding, as I have a lot going on in my life, among the things that had already made me question my Christian faith and abandon it. Both of my in laws are church leaders, so their position is pretty unmoving on such things. My wife is scared however of being treated differently by them, as they do not know that she is in the same boat that I am with my "faith," essentially.

How do we even respond to things like this? It seems pretty ludicrous to me that someone would treat their daughter and family any differently because of their belief system has changed. Also, we have a 5 year old son. This also factors in. I don't want him to be "indoctrinated," or treated any differently because of what he may or may not believe in the future. He can believe whatever he wants. However, I am unsure of what to teach him ourselves?

Help!

I would suggest that you both just keep your relationship with a higher power to yourselves. And give yourselves and each other lots of time and space to redefine it as seems appropriate to you. None of this is any of your inlaws business, as you are autonomous adults. And if they pry, be kind, but firm about it not being their business.

Good luck to you both, and God bless you.