Are you aware of the parables of the hidden treasure and the pearl in Matthew 13:44-46? You found the hidden treasure or pearl of great value, but notice the way Jesus has the men respond to their discovery. He says that they went away and went back to sell everything they had. Another way I would say it is that you got a taste of the eternal spring of life, but that is all you are allowed in this part of the journey, a taste. To go back is to turn away from the light and return to that collapsing darkness which is still underneath your feet.
I don't quite read those parables as them turning back away from the Light. What both of those are teaching is that upon finding these great treasures, the discoverers sacrifice everything they have in order to attain these properly.
I don't see turning back away from the gift in these stories, but a singular focus on attaining them through proper means, as opposed to ill-gotten gains and stealing them off the land they do not own. "I need enough to be able to pay the price to own them". That actually is much more my own story.
But you do have a certain point about "turning back", but that would fit into different parables better, such as the parable of the Wise Builder in Mt. 7:24-27. The tendency is to want to not really pay the full price to do it right, cut corners, cheat, build upon sand instead of a proper solid foundation.
This fits more into the ego clinging to itself and its own past, not wanting to pay the ultimate price of its own relinquishing of control. This fits better with what I hear you trying to say. And that would be part of my own history as well. I want that pearl of great price, but I also fear the cost. That I think is all our stories to one degree or another.
To return to that darkness is the same thing as re-identifying with the worldly egoic-self (ES) and re-entering the world fully. The part of you that has to let go of the light is the ES. The ES is backwards focused.
Overcoming the world, or overcoming the ego as the center of gravity of our self-identity is to overcome the natural impulse of self-preservation. It is the fear of death itself that must be faced. But there are two-types of death anxieties we as humans experience. The fear of the death of our physical body, and the dissolution of our our self-identities, that "me" that defines how we see and relate to ourselves in this world.
So even if someone has had a Satori experience, that taste of the Absolute, this does not mean they are ready to integrate that Realization as the center of their self-identify, or identifying as the Self. This is a process of integration. It is typically not an instantaneous transformation.
But truly turning back in my view, would be to walk away from the pursuit of transformation, to throw in the towel, and just go back to the world of illusion. The perfect metaphor for that comes from The Matrix movie, and is taking the blue pill instead of the red pill. Taking the blue pill means settling for ordinary experience of reality seen through the egoic self, whereas the red pill means reality will be forever changed and there is no going back.
In my view, this red pill/blue pill choice is an everyday thing. Do we move forward towards the Truth, or do we settle back into the relative safety and securities of the mundane, ignorant life of the egoic self? If we take that blue pill every day, soon we are like that frog in the water having acclimated to the ways of the world, or the egoic life. If we take the red pill every day, going back becomes more and more untenable.
In my past decades since that first major dose of the red pill of Awakening, there had been blue-pill periods. But these are complex matters, and it's not simply a lack of Will or the spiritual Will. It is a constant struggle between the spiritual Will and the egoic will.
In all Truthfulness though, it's more than just that epic battle. Sometimes the ego need to be healed first, before it can be let go of. I believe that has been very much part of my own path. There is a deep truth that we must first be able to love ourselves, before we are able to love others as ourselves.
"Growing beyond the ego", is really only valid when that ego is healthy first. Otherwise it can just be a spiritual bypassing, using the Goal of Enlightenment or "heaven", as a way to avoid facing our own pain and letting that go.
It always wants to recover and restore the heaven of the past. The part of the ES that seeks to recover that feeling of fulfillment from the past is in opposition to the idea of reconnecting to the worldly ES.
There is wisdom in this. It is true in my own life, looking to restore the past, becomes a way to avoid the present. But sometimes we must go back and heal the past, rather than just push it away and ignore it. Doing that has a way of creating shadow material which will become great obstacles on our path Home. That is very much been my own experience.
Beware of spiritual bypassing.
This is supposed to test our faith. We are supposed to trust that we can let the experience go completely and still remember it is who we are and what belongs to us. This test of faith can only happen if we re-enter the darkness and the world fully.
I agree. It's as I just said. It is indeed a act of true faith and trust in order to face our own pain and shortcomings of ourselves. We fear those and create devils and demons to guard those dark places from being entered into. But we have to face the devil, so to speak, transmute its power, infuse that wounded child with Love from the Divine, heal it, and bring it forward into the Light of the Day.
Then, we can emerge into the next level of that Awakening. This describes where I am at today now. That is the major process that is happening. And what a relief that is.
It takes a strong will in order to pull this off and I can go into detail about how to access that will if you want, but I’m going to stop here not knowing if you are interested in hearing more.
Indeed yes. That is the spiritual Will that leads that way. I think the true value in my first Awakening experience decades ago now, was to awaken just that. It showed me what is possible, and the rest has been selling everything I own, everything I cling to, to buy that Pearl of Great Price.