Why Adult Children Go No-Contact!

[Brickjectivity]

Its a question I hear from parents *all the time* even though I'm no psychologist and its just people I know or meet : "Why don't my kids contact me?"

I found this in a gem of a video, but it includes bibliography which I will post after the video. The presenter says that children whose values diverge from their parents may have parents who wish to control and direct those values. This then sometimes causes children to feel unaccepted leading to emotional estrangement. Eventually they may chose no contact. The presenter thinks that represents a majority of situations.

Spoiler: Video

Bibliography:

Spoiler: bibliography copied from video page

References:

Agllias, K. (2018). Missing family: the adult child’s experience of parental estrangement . Journal of Social Work Practice, 32(1), 59–72. https://doi.org/10.1080/02650533.2017...

Linden, A. H., & Sillence, E. (2021). “I’m finally allowed to be me”: parent-child estrangement and psychological wellbeing. Families, Relationships and Societies, 10(2), 325-341. Retrieved Apr 12, 2024, from https://doi.org/10.1332/204674319X156...

Agllias, K. (2016). Disconnection and Decision-making: Adult Children Explain Their Reasons for Estranging from Parents. Australian Social Work, 69(1), 92–104. https://doi.org/10.1080/0312407X.2015...

Carr, K., Holman, A., Abetz, J., Kellas, J. K., & Vagnoni, E. (2015). Giving Voice to the Silence of Family Estrangement: Comparing Reasons of Estranged Parents and Adult Children in a Nonmatched Sample. Journal of Family Communication, 15(2), 130–140. https://doi.org/10.1080/15267431.2015...

Gilligan M, Suitor JJ, Pillemer K. Estrangement Between Mothers and Adult Children: The Role of Norms and Values. J Marriage Fam. 2015 Aug;77(4):908-920. doi: 10.1111/jomf.12207. PMID: 26207072; PMCID: PMC4507819.

Agllias, K. (2015). Difference, Choice, and Punishment: Parental Beliefs and Understandings about Adult Child Estrangement. Australian Social Work, 68(1), 115–129. https://doi.org/10.1080/0312407X.2014...

Best wishes to all you wonderful parents.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

I would also say there are parents who struggle to move from a directive role, to a peer role. My dad and I had a lot of trouble when I was a teenager, and I basically assumed we'd have no relationship apart from via my mum. But whilst he couldn't live with an independent thinking son, he's been fine with having one as an adult with me living elsewhere. Gave us enough space to not judge each other's daily decisions.

(We're also relatively low contact compared to some kids and their parents, but that works for us, and we have a good relationship now)

I think that same dynamic can go the other way, where a parent is too used to having a level of directive control. Even where values are not distinctly different, that can cause issues. I have a brother in law whose mother checks in almost daily, and wants to chat for a long time, complaining when he ends the conversation. That tires him. Even though their values are basically similar, he just doesn't have time in his day to deal with that, plus it can cause tension with his wife.

But yeah...OP makes sense to me.

 

[Shadow Wolf]

Its a question I hear from parents *all the time* even though I'm no psychologist and its just people I know or meet : "Why don't my kids contact me?"

I found this in a gem of a video, but it includes bibliography which I will post after the video. The presenter says that children whose values diverge from their parents may have parents who wish to control and direct those values. This then sometimes causes children to feel unaccepted leading to emotional estrangement. Eventually they may chose no contact. The presenter thinks that represents a majority of situations.

Spoiler: Video

Bibliography:

Spoiler: bibliography copied from video page

References:

Agllias, K. (2018). Missing family: the adult child’s experience of parental estrangement . Journal of Social Work Practice, 32(1), 59–72. https://doi.org/10.1080/02650533.2017...

Linden, A. H., & Sillence, E. (2021). “I’m finally allowed to be me”: parent-child estrangement and psychological wellbeing. Families, Relationships and Societies, 10(2), 325-341. Retrieved Apr 12, 2024, from https://doi.org/10.1332/204674319X156...

Agllias, K. (2016). Disconnection and Decision-making: Adult Children Explain Their Reasons for Estranging from Parents. Australian Social Work, 69(1), 92–104. https://doi.org/10.1080/0312407X.2015...

Carr, K., Holman, A., Abetz, J., Kellas, J. K., & Vagnoni, E. (2015). Giving Voice to the Silence of Family Estrangement: Comparing Reasons of Estranged Parents and Adult Children in a Nonmatched Sample. Journal of Family Communication, 15(2), 130–140. https://doi.org/10.1080/15267431.2015...

Gilligan M, Suitor JJ, Pillemer K. Estrangement Between Mothers and Adult Children: The Role of Norms and Values. J Marriage Fam. 2015 Aug;77(4):908-920. doi: 10.1111/jomf.12207. PMID: 26207072; PMCID: PMC4507819.

Agllias, K. (2015). Difference, Choice, and Punishment: Parental Beliefs and Understandings about Adult Child Estrangement. Australian Social Work, 68(1), 115–129. https://doi.org/10.1080/0312407X.2014...

Best wishes to all you wonderful parents.

I've been reading for years now abuse has a lot to do with it, combined with a terribly lose model of family that makes it easier to leave our biological one behind and find a more suitable replacement who treats us better.

 

[Soandso]

Its a question I hear from parents *all the time* even though I'm no psychologist and its just people I know or meet : "Why don't my kids contact me?"

Hmmm... Is this at work, at a social gathering, or just like in a random elevator with a stranger? That would make for a really awkward conversation in enclosed quarters where the only way you can get out of it is to climb out the escape hatch

 

[PureX]

I would also say there are parents who struggle to move from a directive role, to a peer role. My dad and I had a lot of trouble when I was a teenager, and I basically assumed we'd have no relationship apart from via my mum. But whilst he couldn't live with an independent thinking son, he's been fine with having one as an adult with me living elsewhere. Gave us enough space to not judge each other's daily decisions.

(We're also relatively low contact compared to some kids and their parents, but that works for us, and we have a good relationship now)

I think that same dynamic can go the other way, where a parent is too used to having a level of directive control. Even where values are not distinctly different, that can cause issues. I have a brother in law whose mother checks in almost daily, and wants to chat for a long time, complaining when he ends the conversation. That tires him. Even though their values are basically similar, he just doesn't have time in his day to deal with that, plus it can cause tension with his wife.

But yeah...OP makes sense to me.

I experienced something like this as well. And fortunately, once I was past the teen years and out and on my own, we were able to enjoy each other's company without contention.

 

[PureX]

My niece and her brother are estranged, and I don't know why. She is very hurt about it and I have no idea what to say to her about it. We cannot control anyone else's thinking. All we can do is forgive them and be who we are, I guess.

 

[Brickjectivity]

Hmmm... Is this at work, at a social gathering, or just like in a random elevator with a stranger? That would make for a really awkward conversation in enclosed quarters where the only way you can get out of it is to climb out the escape hatch

Jobs and family...and I think online, but I don't remember the online clearly.

 

[LuisDantas]

Its a question I hear from parents *all the time* even though I'm no psychologist and its just people I know or meet : "Why don't my kids contact me?"

I found this in a gem of a video, but it includes bibliography which I will post after the video. The presenter says that children whose values diverge from their parents may have parents who wish to control and direct those values. This then sometimes causes children to feel unaccepted leading to emotional estrangement. Eventually they may chose no contact. The presenter thinks that represents a majority of situations.

That is certainly what happened between me and my so-called biological "parents".

 

[Alien826]

Wow, what an interesting video. Or it would have been if she slowed down her delivery by about half. It's like trying to drink from a fire hose!

Oddly, or maybe not, this applies to me both as a son and a parent. I did not get along with my mother at all when I lived at home, and gradually separated more and more, particularly when I married someone she didn't like. There was never a total separation, but when my father died I had not spoken to him for six months. Strangely, that caused my mother and I to get along much better for the rest of her life, though she was well into dementia by then and I think I felt sorry for her and treated her very gently.

A few years back, my daughter, whom I had always got along with very well (I thought) suddenly broke off relationships (apart from cards at Christmas and birthdays and gifts to the grandkids) and would never explain why.

A weird life, mine, in general. The video caused me to look up "triangulation" and it fits with some experiences I have had. When strange things start to happen, like a friend suddenly accuses you of something you didn't do, look for the third party. I wonder if my ex had something to do with my daughter's strange behavior. She was always good at causing trouble. I'll never know.

 

[Kathryn]

I haven't spoken to one of my four adult kids in about six or seven years. She has also cut off communication with the other three kids, even though we are all very different from each other. I honestly think, and apparently she does too, that she may have some mental health issues. But who knows. All I know now is that I will probably never trust her again.

 

[Spice]

I see it as a natural progression. It's to hold on to independence and even more so, IMO, to avoid seeing those strong life-lines deteriorate.

My kids will do anything I ask of them, but when it's something that has to do with my age or health, the stress and sadness is in their face.

I remember my father once asking me to cut his toenails. My thought is still with me........the blunt realization that our positions were reversing and I would loose him little my little until he died. I think that he may have seen that look in my face, because he began pushing himself to be as he had always been. He died behind the tiller in the garden at 78.

 

[Shadow Wolf]

Hmmm... Is this at work, at a social gathering, or just like in a random elevator with a stranger? That would make for a really awkward conversation in enclosed quarters where the only way you can get out of it is to climb out the escape hatch

From what I've read about it this is often total estrangement.

 

[Shadow Wolf]

I see it as a natural progression.

There's nothing natural about. Parent-child relationships that are good when then the child is of child years, then the relationship normally lasts for life as the child becomes an adult.

 

[Spice]

There's nothing natural about. Parent-child relationships that are good when then the child is of child years, then the relationship normally lasts for life as the child becomes an adult.

Perhaps I didn't take the "no contact" as far as the OP intended. I've witnessed good relationships between parent and child that had staying-in-touch down to every month or two. And I've witness destructive relationships run daily.

I guess I'm more on the team of love and trust come in an open hand.

 

[Revoltingest]

I avoided contact with my father only
because he was an abusive *******.
His biggest failure was that he should've
died 20 years sooner for everyone's benefit.

 

[ChristineM]

My brother in law hasn't spoken to his parents since 2016 when he was diagnosed with schizophrenia and his parents told him to "snap out of it, you are embarrassing us". Their attitude to his illness has not changed. Although my husband does speak to them reasonably regularly he resents their attitude to his brother.

As for me, the child of a pair of hippies, my parents were my best friends, i was given complete freedom so long as i didn't break the law. Although we are now in different countries i speak to them several times a week and we visit each other a few times per year.

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

I've been completely estranged from my adoptive parents for at least four years. I've had no contact with them whatsoever. It's been even longer with my adoptive older brother. I haven't seen him in 18 years, and I haven't spoken to him on the phone for 14 years. I don't have any contact with the rest of my adoptive family, either. I've cut them all out of my life. It doesn't bother me in the least, because I know that I am far better off without them in my life.

 

[☆Dreamwind☆]

Because they're either busy or they never got along with each other.