Spiderman
Veteran Member
It is extremely difficult for me to go a day without hating God for giving miserable people like me their lives.
On the drug comes intense joy, nothing compares without it, and rarely is life enjoyable ( or not horrifying, torture) without it.
It's tough to choose unhappy reality: pain, and boredom, fatigue, + regret, hopelessness, a constant need for sleep, (a desire and prayer for tears that almost never come) over a quick fix.....
Choose that misery over a drug
which has power to take me from a suicidal state, to an unfathomable feeling of well being...(it's tough to never do again when those are the options).
I've made it 65 days.... that's the longest (without the one exception of 3 months in jail where it was not voluntary) I've gone without it completely, since 2018.
I want to again apologize to the forum again (because the long, incoherent, inappropriate, perverted, manic, immature posting on the chemical. That is a source of great shame).
Even a month of abstinence from the drug, on brain scans it shows very little repair in the amount of dopamine the brain is capable of releasing ( in order to feel Joy or pleasure it did prior to meth addiction).
The brain in the scans I saw in treatment , shows dopamine (highlighted in red ) shows it is almost back to normal after 14 months.
Because of how slow the healing process is with that drug, treatment centers usually do not offer enough time without temptation and around professionals, for a person to be back in the world.
They don't offer enough to experience the sufficient healing mentally that is needed to go back to being tempted in the world.... or stressed and unable to properly enjoy hobbies or pleasures.
Thing is, my life has always been a nightmare (with the exception of a rare friendship, which I currently don't have among the living in real life or offline..such people are about one in 500 million people on the planet im guessing, whose presence/friendship can replace the joy the drugs offer) , life is misery (unless it seems a dead person or something supernatural is intervening).
Everything is just a distraction from the fact that we get sick, old, crippled, disabled , abused, raped, murdered, die of some other cause, and face the extremely sadistic god(s) who condemned us to this disgusting, heartbreaking, vain rat race, freak show, depressing, exhausting, frustrating world of filth, tears, poverty, confusion, and dreams that almost never come true (and when they do, it doesn't last long till they decay or are stolen).
Id just assume my mother have aborted me or there be an off button, because I'm overall just causing contagious sorrow/hopelessness, and passionately hate the God who created this mess, tortures already tortured souls, and sends demons and monsters among us to increase sorrow, desperation, panic, hell, injustice, war, terror, chaos, sickness.
I see from scripture, it's very obvious that man and women were created for God to torture, terrify, kill, play sick games with, confuse, tempt with forbidden fruit, fill with false hopes , traumatize, , abandon, and divide for wars and other drama (tribulation) to entertain a cruel God. (If the scripture have any truth).
...my only relative I talk to is out of state (and often hangs up) as well....
i will try to stay sober, ( the insanely long, incoherent, and sexually inappropriate posts that are all over the place (when I use drugs) being one big motivation)...
, but not because I feel I will ever come close to feeling any real sustainable (stable, consistent) joy do I decide that. Drugs have always been the only way to make hatred for God, lack of blasphemy, and the lack of misery/ boredom happen.
Drugs actually make me believe Jesus is the messiah or that his father is worthy of praise (or that my mom and Dad aren't worthless). Nothing else makes that happen.
But im willing to be serious about sobriety for sobriety sake, stable better health, sanity, less guilt, less shame.... it's worth the consistent misery for once....
Occasional euphoria and joy is always mixed with far worse humiliation, poverty, hopelessness, weakness, dangers, health + tooth decay....
So , no joy, consistent misery: in exchange for better health, better virtue, cleaner conscience, better reputation, and an account at RF that isn't suspended...is best.... successful suicide might not be better if I'm in a worse hell or leave some of you without me.
Without moderation being possible, it will always create worse misery to experience joy that drugs make possible.
On the drug comes intense joy, nothing compares without it, and rarely is life enjoyable ( or not horrifying, torture) without it.
It's tough to choose unhappy reality: pain, and boredom, fatigue, + regret, hopelessness, a constant need for sleep, (a desire and prayer for tears that almost never come) over a quick fix.....
Choose that misery over a drug
which has power to take me from a suicidal state, to an unfathomable feeling of well being...(it's tough to never do again when those are the options).
I've made it 65 days.... that's the longest (without the one exception of 3 months in jail where it was not voluntary) I've gone without it completely, since 2018.
I want to again apologize to the forum again (because the long, incoherent, inappropriate, perverted, manic, immature posting on the chemical. That is a source of great shame).
Even a month of abstinence from the drug, on brain scans it shows very little repair in the amount of dopamine the brain is capable of releasing ( in order to feel Joy or pleasure it did prior to meth addiction).
The brain in the scans I saw in treatment , shows dopamine (highlighted in red ) shows it is almost back to normal after 14 months.
Because of how slow the healing process is with that drug, treatment centers usually do not offer enough time without temptation and around professionals, for a person to be back in the world.
They don't offer enough to experience the sufficient healing mentally that is needed to go back to being tempted in the world.... or stressed and unable to properly enjoy hobbies or pleasures.
Thing is, my life has always been a nightmare (with the exception of a rare friendship, which I currently don't have among the living in real life or offline..such people are about one in 500 million people on the planet im guessing, whose presence/friendship can replace the joy the drugs offer) , life is misery (unless it seems a dead person or something supernatural is intervening).
Everything is just a distraction from the fact that we get sick, old, crippled, disabled , abused, raped, murdered, die of some other cause, and face the extremely sadistic god(s) who condemned us to this disgusting, heartbreaking, vain rat race, freak show, depressing, exhausting, frustrating world of filth, tears, poverty, confusion, and dreams that almost never come true (and when they do, it doesn't last long till they decay or are stolen).
Id just assume my mother have aborted me or there be an off button, because I'm overall just causing contagious sorrow/hopelessness, and passionately hate the God who created this mess, tortures already tortured souls, and sends demons and monsters among us to increase sorrow, desperation, panic, hell, injustice, war, terror, chaos, sickness.
I see from scripture, it's very obvious that man and women were created for God to torture, terrify, kill, play sick games with, confuse, tempt with forbidden fruit, fill with false hopes , traumatize, , abandon, and divide for wars and other drama (tribulation) to entertain a cruel God. (If the scripture have any truth).
...my only relative I talk to is out of state (and often hangs up) as well....
i will try to stay sober, ( the insanely long, incoherent, and sexually inappropriate posts that are all over the place (when I use drugs) being one big motivation)...
, but not because I feel I will ever come close to feeling any real sustainable (stable, consistent) joy do I decide that. Drugs have always been the only way to make hatred for God, lack of blasphemy, and the lack of misery/ boredom happen.
Drugs actually make me believe Jesus is the messiah or that his father is worthy of praise (or that my mom and Dad aren't worthless). Nothing else makes that happen.
But im willing to be serious about sobriety for sobriety sake, stable better health, sanity, less guilt, less shame.... it's worth the consistent misery for once....
Occasional euphoria and joy is always mixed with far worse humiliation, poverty, hopelessness, weakness, dangers, health + tooth decay....
So , no joy, consistent misery: in exchange for better health, better virtue, cleaner conscience, better reputation, and an account at RF that isn't suspended...is best.... successful suicide might not be better if I'm in a worse hell or leave some of you without me.
Without moderation being possible, it will always create worse misery to experience joy that drugs make possible.
