Why do parents insist their 18-21 year old children need to move out??

[Noirhaired]

I just need to rant, so bear with me.

I currently don't live with my parents because of past conflict issues but I am willing to make a few sacrifices to move back in with them in order to save money.

I've been on my own for almost 2 years and I must say, it sucks. I just find myself throwing away thousands of dollars in rent every year, finding my credit being driven into the ground due to bills I can't pay, and even contemplating dropping out of school in order to make some money so I can actually PAY for school.

Knowing all of this, why do so many parents insist that their children "leave the nest" at age 18, 19, and 20? It's one thing if you insist that they move out at age 23 or 24--after all by then they should have saved something, for responsibility's sake. And I could understand if you had a kid who was just mooching off and really needed a good kick in the bum to get real-- but I know and see so many people whose parents beg them to move out and they are only 18 or 19. Apparently, their parents believe that they are ready but I personally think many of these parents are just plain wrong.

First of all, if a child is a legal adult and still living with parents, they should still partake in household responsibilities-- you live there, you share in them. No problem with that. But having to pay rent in the house that was considered home? Why is it that age 18 is the magical number? I could understand if they were asked to chip in with the bills, groceries, their health insurance and so forth but be charged to live in the house that your parents once insisted you better come back to at 10 pm when you were 17? I don't get it.

And ages 18-21ish are the ages that young adults should be learning and practicing how to budget, save, and allocate money to whatever else is appropriate-- not waste it on rent. True, many people in this age group waste their money on other worthless things but let's not paint everyone with the same brush.

I really wish things had been better between my parents and I when I was 20 and 21 because I could have saved thousands of dollars to actually put towards a home. In fact, not only could I have put that towards a home, but to my college loans and get my credit back up, and actually save for retirement (I may not be old but I don't expect social security).

Perhaps my own background has something to color my views on this. I'm Asian and many people who are of any Asian heritage tend to live in households where moving out is discouraged because their parents would prefer that they focus on their studies and save their money instead. Many of these parents have also worked very hard to provide what they have for their children, so moving out in a way is an insult to their well-earned comforts.

I just don't understand why parents beg their children to move out or even kick them out simply because they are a young adult. In my opinion, the excuse "they need to learn about being an adult" is moot because it was not too long ago when many of our own parents still lived at home until they were married. Not saying that is what everyone needs to do-- but for some reason, the idea of living at home as a young adult was okay for parents, yet not okay for their own children.

 

[Majikthise]

I would die for my children, but I can't wait til they scram.
I have four friends in thier 30s and 40s (male and female) who still live at home. What starts out as just for a while , frequently turns into someday.

 

[jacquie4000]

My family never ask me to leave. I joined the military when I was 19. But then after I got out I came back to leave until I got my feet on the ground. MY family always did make us pay rent after the age of 18 though. But when we moved this was given back to us...I guess they figured we would not save enough

 

[Booko]

I currently don't live with my parents because of past conflict issues but I am willing to make a few sacrifices to move back in with them in order to save money.

I did that for a while myself -- it was to my advantage and theirs. I was only home to sleep, as I was working a full time job, teaching music lessons or having rehearsals at nights and on weekends, spending what little spare time I had with friends, and pretty much was only around Sunday evening. So I paid rent, which was a LOT cheaper than my own apartment (that I would never be at anyway), and it helped out the folks.

I've been on my own for almost 2 years and I must say, it sucks. I just find myself throwing away thousands of dollars in rent every year, finding my credit being driven into the ground due to bills I can't pay, and even contemplating dropping out of school in order to make some money so I can actually PAY for school.

I was not expected to pay rent while I was getting my undergrad degree.

But seriously if you're spending thousands of dollars, you're spending too much for housing at your age! Don't get an apartment. Find a room to rent. I know it was at least 20 years ago, but my husband rented a room from a lady for about $150/month. Even with inflation, if you get a room you won't be paying thousands (unless maybe you live in NYC). You don't need your very own apartment all to yourself. That's financial suicide when you're getting started and going to school too.

Knowing all of this, why do so many parents insist that their children "leave the nest" at age 18, 19, and 20?

Because if we don't, they just delay making the break and becoming adults. Obviously, every individual case has to be taken on its own merit.

My son may well be living at home for a couple of more years. But that means he will be going to a community college and his schooling will be paid for already. So he can get a bleedin' part time job and contribute to the household expenses. If he can keep his grades up and still has hours to play videogames, he can get a job and begin to learn what it means to work for a living. In the long run, that will prepare him better for life beyond college.

It can be quite a shock to some kids to get their first job and then discover such unknown truths like the boss doesn't care to hear you whine -- just do what you're asked to do and get it done on time. It's much easier to break them in on an easy job like stocking the shelves at the grocers or busing tables at the restaurant, and they'll appreciate a good job later when they get one.

It's one thing if you insist that they move out at age 23 or 24--after all by then they should have saved something, for responsibility's sake. And I could understand if you had a kid who was just mooching off and really needed a good kick in the bum to get real-- but I know and see so many people whose parents beg them to move out and they are only 18 or 19. Apparently, their parents believe that they are ready but I personally think many of these parents are just plain wrong.

Sometimes the kids don't think they're ready, and the kids are just... wrong. So the parents force them to move out so they can find out they're more capable then they think, rather than let timidity keep them from entering adulthood as they should.

My son shows some signs of this timidity. Personally, I hope he does a Year of Service in Israel next year. I think being separated from home, but in an environment that will support him in lots of ways, he'll find out he's more capable than he thinks he is.

I don't think it's such a hot idea to expect kids to make an abrupt jump into taking care of themselves. But you can prepare them in their teens so a lot of the mundane issues are covered. If pressed, my 17 year old son could manage to shop and fix food for himself, and no, it wouldn't just be frozen pizza either.

First of all, if a child is a legal adult and still living with parents, they should still partake in household responsibilities-- you live there, you share in them. No problem with that. But having to pay rent in the house that was considered home?

Because if you're able to contribute to the household expenses, then you are expected to. Look, my Mom contributed to the household expenses when she left 8th grade and went out and got a job. Now, kids don't do that today, but times have changed (along with child labor laws and unskilled job availability), so working at that age wouldn't be expected.

Why is it that age 18 is the magical number? I could understand if they were asked to chip in with the bills, groceries, their health insurance and so forth but be charged to live in the house that your parents once insisted you better come back to at 10 pm when you were 17? I don't get it.

OK, so suppose the magic number isn't 18...if it were set to 19, then some people would think it should be 20, etc. A slippery slope argument, I know, but it's demonstrably true. (And no, I'm not saying it's true of you! I wouldn't know.)

And ages 18-21ish are the ages that young adults should be learning and practicing how to budget, save, and allocate money to whatever else is appropriate-- not waste it on rent.

I learned those things from 8-16. If parents wait until their kids are 18-21ish, they waited too darned long! If a kid is old enough to add and subtract, he/she is old enough to learn how to make a budget, write out a check (can't sign it, of course). Heck, I get my kids online to learn how to pay some of the bills, because that's how I do it now.

At 13 I was balancing the family checkbook every month. At 16 I was filling out my mom's tax form. Not normal, I know, but it shows you what the possibilities are. You're right -- there is no magic about 18....lots of things should be done EARLIER.

True, many people in this age group waste their money on other worthless things but let's not paint everyone with the same brush.

Heck, lots of people my age waste their money on worthless things, so I'm not about to get down on the twentysomethings and teenagers if they do. They at least have youth and inexperience as an excuse. We don't!

I really wish things had been better between my parents and I when I was 20 and 21 because I could have saved thousands of dollars to actually put towards a home. In fact, not only could I have put that towards a home, but to my college loans and get my credit back up, and actually save for retirement (I may not be old but I don't expect social security).

If you want some budgetary advice and don't mind it being public, there are plenty of people here who can give you perspectives to consider, who've been where you are now, and really would just be happy to help. :yes:

Perhaps my own background has something to color my views on this. I'm Asian and many people who are of any Asian heritage tend to live in households where moving out is discouraged because their parents would prefer that they focus on their studies and save their money instead. Many of these parents have also worked very hard to provide what they have for their children, so moving out in a way is an insult to their well-earned comforts.

I think this is very possible. In my Dutch/French descent Midwestern US culture, there's something terribly wrong with someone who hasn't moved out by the time they're 21 at least, and really earlier is better (unless you're in school, but then you're only home during breaks). More leeway is given to girls, who might stay home until they get married, but even that seems to be fading away. *Not* to move out is an insult to the parents, because it says, "My folks did such a lousy job raising me, I am incapable of standing on my own."

In my opinion, the excuse "they need to learn about being an adult" is moot because it was not too long ago when many of our own parents still lived at home until they were married.

In my parent's generation, only the women did this, and that was only out of a sense of modesty and preserving feminine virtue and helping with household tasks (that men were not expected to do anyway). That would be around the 30s and 40s. Men would stay at home in rural areas, where they were needed on the farm, or in other areas if they were needed to be present to help the family in some other way (like Dad died or they were needed in the family business). Mostly the men in my family joined the armed services after they got out of high school, did a stint, then returned to get a job and be in a place of their own. They didn't move back home. They were out of the house at 18. Actually, the armed services are a great way to make a break from home (no matter what one may think of the military aspects).

Not saying that is what everyone needs to do-- but for some reason, the idea of living at home as a young adult was okay for parents, yet not okay for their own children.

Oh, it sure wasn't okay for me -- or my parents. My brother left home at 18. I was at school until I was just 22, I lived on my own for a couple of years (rented room or apartment with several roommates), lived at home (paying rent) for one year just before I got married.

I'm at home right now, and trust me, you couldn't get me to move back here for any money. I love Mom and all, but I'm several decades too old to put up with her telling me I can't stay up until 3am like I am right now. My odd hours are not interfering with her in any way, and she needs to bug off about that. She doesn't set my bedtime any more. sheesh

 

[Booko]

My family never ask me to leave. I joined the military when I was 19. But then after I got out I came back to leave until I got my feet on the ground. MY family always did make us pay rent after the age of 18 though. But when we moved this was given back to us...I guess they figured we would not save enough

Shhhh! We secretly plan to take any rent our kids give us and sock it away into an account, where it can go to retirement or a downpayment on a house someday.

And no, even the best trained kids usually don't save as much as they could.

 

[Sunstone]

A couple hundred years ago, the predominant pattern in many places was for at least some of the children in each family to stay in the same household as their parents for their entire lives.

 

[Noirhaired]

But seriously if you're spending thousands of dollars, you're spending too much for housing at your age! Don't get an apartment. Find a room to rent. I know it was at least 20 years ago, but my husband rented a room from a lady for about $150/month. Even with inflation, if you get a room you won't be paying thousands (unless maybe you live in NYC). You don't need your very own apartment all to yourself. That's financial suicide when you're getting started and going to school too.

Unfortunately almost every person is paying thousands of dollars. My parents are constantly begging me to move back in because they don't want me to be one of those people at age 30 finally being able to save for a house or starting to get out of debt. Rent for a room typically these days is about 300-500 a month, to have ALL utilities included in with it. It's expensive. My rent is 400 with all utilities included but after 3 months I've already paid 1,200. So figure how much I spend in 6 months. It's bad. And rent is only going up, too. What was 350 a year ago is now 400-450 a month. I've tried finding cheaper rent but it's nearly impossible unless you live with 4 other people in a dump.

Because if we don't, they just delay making the break and becoming adults. Obviously, every individual case has to be taken on its own merit.

My son may well be living at home for a couple of more years. But that means he will be going to a community college and his schooling will be paid for already. So he can get a bleedin' part time job and contribute to the household expenses. If he can keep his grades up and still has hours to play videogames, he can get a job and begin to learn what it means to work for a living. In the long run, that will prepare him better for life beyond college.

It can be quite a shock to some kids to get their first job and then discover such unknown truths like the boss doesn't care to hear you whine -- just do what you're asked to do and get it done on time. It's much easier to break them in on an easy job like stocking the shelves at the grocers or busing tables at the restaurant, and they'll appreciate a good job later when they get one.

Sometimes the kids don't think they're ready, and the kids are just... wrong. So the parents force them to move out so they can find out they're more capable then they think, rather than let timidity keep them from entering adulthood as they should.

I learned those things from 8-16. If parents wait until their kids are 18-21ish, they waited too darned long! If a kid is old enough to add and subtract, he/she is old enough to learn how to make a budget, write out a check (can't sign it, of course). Heck, I get my kids online to learn how to pay some of the bills, because that's how I do it now.

With all due respect, I believe that you are confusing responsibility with maturity. Good habits, which can become responsible habits, does not mean you are mature or even an adult. Knowing that you need to have "x" amount of money each month and then some extra does not mean you are an adult. I go to college and I have met my share of knuckleheads and avoided many others who I'm surprised to find out even got into the University. They live on their own for the most part, true...but by no means are they mature or are even adults. Being able to allocate finances is not a sign of maturity. Getting over-emotional about things, being self-centered, not taking responsibility for your actions (oops, I was drunk!) are all the signs of immaturity that I see from many of these people. I have also met and know many people who still live with their parents and are very mature. My cousin who is 21 still lives with her mom but many people perceive her to be much older because of the way she carries herself.

I do agree that many things need to be taught earlier-- but they should be age appropriate. I for one, do not want to pre-age my child by making them balance the family checkbook at age 13. BUT I would have them show me a budget they made for themselves regarding saving and spending money.

I think this is very possible. In my Dutch/French descent Midwestern US culture, there's something terribly wrong with someone who hasn't moved out by the time they're 21 at least, and really earlier is better (unless you're in school, but then you're only home during breaks). More leeway is given to girls, who might stay home until they get married, but even that seems to be fading away. *Not* to move out is an insult to the parents, because it says, "My folks did such a lousy job raising me, I am incapable of standing on my own."

In my parent's generation, only the women did this, and that was only out of a sense of modesty and preserving feminine virtue and helping with household tasks (that men were not expected to do anyway). That would be around the 30s and 40s.

In the traditional African, Middle Eastern, some European, and Asian cultures, many parents would prefer that their children wait until marriage to move out, or at least until they have their college degrees and have a full-time job. I know that is what my parents want for me. I also remember being 17 and wanting a job during the school year and even offering my dad to pay for my own insurance and the scadalized look on his face after I said that When I said that it was an insult to him. My dad always said to me "I didn't come to this country to make my own kid pay me-- I'm supposed to pay for them!"

And I do know that after my bf's grandpas both served in the war, they still lived with their parents to save for their weddings and their future homes. My bf's parents (I should probably mention that they are white for the purposes of this topic) also both lived at home until marriage, but they were only 20.

It's always funny when I tell my white/Caucasion friends this because they would kill to have parents like mine, who want me to move back in...but when I was a teen, I always killed for wanting my parents to teach me about money:sarcastic The irony.