Why do people stay in abusive relationships?

[Kathryn]

I'm curious to hear why others think that so many people stay in abusive relationships.

I know that there are lots of reasons given, but what is the CORE reason?

Now let me clarify this - I'm not talking about Third World scenarios, or situations that are so pathetic that there truly is no escape. I am talking about average people in Western countries - people who have the means and ability to leave, but choose instead to stay.

I am most interested in hearing from those of you who were in abusive situations but chose to leave. What kept you there for the short haul and what made you finally leave?

After you made the break, did you enter into another abusive relationship, or have you succeeded in breaking that cycle?

 

[Kilgore Trout]

People always continue to do things which work for them. People stay in any relationship as long as what they're getting out of it outweighs the negatives, in their mind.

 

[Kathryn]

Well, that's exactly what I was thinking, but wondered if anyone else was going to say it. I agree.

 

[Aquitaine]

I'm curious to hear why others think that so many people stay in abusive relationships.

I know that there are lots of reasons given, but what is the CORE reason?

Now let me clarify this - I'm not talking about Third World scenarios, or situations that are so pathetic that there truly is no escape. I am talking about average people in Western countries - people who have the means and ability to leave, but choose instead to stay.

I am most interested in hearing from those of you who were in abusive situations but chose to leave. What kept you there for the short haul and what made you finally leave?

After you made the break, did you enter into another abusive relationship, or have you succeeded in breaking that cycle?

The thing is though, I know of atleast two people who're in abusive relationships, and honestly they simply do not recognise that they are, and if they do, like atotalstranger said, in their minds staying in it outweighs the negatives.

It does annoy me though how people (mostly Women) choose to stay in them. But then again, that's their life and their decision at the end of the day.

 

[Kathryn]

It does annoy me though how people (mostly Women) choose to stay in them. But then again, that's their life and their decision at the end of the day.

So often though, it's not just their life that's impacted. There are often kids involved. Even if they are not physically abused, they grow up believing that these dynamics are "how" relationships work.

I do agree though - they're getting something out of it. I was reading about Magda Goebbels (wife of Joseph Goebbels, Hitler's Propaganda Minister). She stayed in a horrible marriage for a lot of reasons that I am sure made sense to her at the time. In the end, she murdered her own six children and then took her own life.

I think that often the abused spouse doesn't look at her children as INDIVIDUALS - but as extensions of herself (for the sake of argument I'll refer to the abused spouse as a woman, though I know men are sometimes abused as well). I think if more women truly realized the dignity and sanctity of life that they are denying their children, maybe this would make a difference.

 

[Autodidact]

I'm curious to hear why others think that so many people stay in abusive relationships.

I know that there are lots of reasons given, but what is the CORE reason?

Now let me clarify this - I'm not talking about Third World scenarios, or situations that are so pathetic that there truly is no escape. I am talking about average people in Western countries - people who have the means and ability to leave, but choose instead to stay.

I am most interested in hearing from those of you who were in abusive situations but chose to leave. What kept you there for the short haul and what made you finally leave?

After you made the break, did you enter into another abusive relationship, or have you succeeded in breaking that cycle?

I believe I can offer a helpful example from my work experience. (I have represented hundreds of victims of domestic violence.) A client said something like this:
"He said if I stayed with him he'd be the perfect husband and father and be good to me and the kids, and that if I left him he'd kill me."

That really helped me understand it.

 

[Kilgore Trout]

I think that often the abused spouse doesn't look at her children as INDIVIDUALS - but as extensions of herself (for the sake of argument I'll refer to the abused spouse as a woman, though I know men are sometimes abused as well). I think if more women truly realized the dignity and sanctity of life that they are denying their children, maybe this would make a difference.

Ha, I think this applies to the vast majority of parents, abusive and otherwise.

 

[Aquitaine]

So often though, it's not just their life that's impacted. There are often kids involved. Even if they are not physically abused, they grow up believing that these dynamics are "how" relationships work.

I do agree though - they're getting something out of it. I was reading about Magda Goebbels (wife of Joseph Goebbels, Hitler's Propaganda Minister). She stayed in a horrible marriage for a lot of reasons that I am sure made sense to her at the time. In the end, she murdered her own six children and then took her own life.

I think that often the abused spouse doesn't look at her children as INDIVIDUALS - but as extensions of herself (for the sake of argument I'll refer to the abused spouse as a woman, though I know men are sometimes abused as well). I think if more women truly realized the dignity and sanctity of life that they are denying their children, maybe this would make a difference.

Jesus! I never knew that. Man that was a step too far. But to be honest there are cases here in the UK of abused Women who murder their children. There was one recently, a Muslim Women IIRC, she slit the throats of her three children in "despair" of her abusive relationship.

Yeah you're right, every relationship gets 1000 times more complicated when children are thrown into it. Honestly though, there are some cases (again a real-life example who is a friend of my sister) where people willfully engage with and even get married/have kids with abusive/exploiting partners. Although he doesn't "beat" her, he's a total exploiter, and t make things worse she's married him and has a kid, so I guess that now adds up to three Women I know who're in abusive relationships.

One "theory" of my own is that people in absusive/broken relationships decide to have kids because they think it's a form of "glue" that will solidify their relationship. It's just a shame though, how much of a selfish and dangerous gamble such a thing really is.

 

[themadhair]

Is it wrong that my first thought was the health care 'debate'?

 

[Aquitaine]

I believe I can offer a helpful example from my work experience. (I have represented hundreds of victims of domestic violence.) A client said something like this:

"He said if I stayed with him he'd be the perfect husband and father and be good to me and the kids, and that if I left him he'd kill me."

That really helped me understand it.

Yeah there are other methods too, like using emotion blackmail - to guilt the partner into thinking that they've themselves done something wrong to the abusive partner, and then they're "influenced" to think that the absuive partner is the victim, and it's the real victim who is the guilty one etc etc.

Another example I can think off from my experience, is when a person has been handed a bad card in life, and isn't the most "secure", they're often easily exploited because (from what I could tell) they're desperate for once to have a happy relationship with a person, even if the partner is abusive/exploiting. So wat the victim tends to do is sort of "shrug off" the bad things and become accustomed to them, which just leads into a vicious cycle and it never turns out nicely.

Sometimes though I just get really annoyed at how some people can treat their partners in such a way, what is it - their environment, their Culture, their upbringing etc etc. A lot of the time I think it's happenning on a larger scale, and it's to do with one's Society and values.

 

[te_lanus]

I am most interested in hearing from those of you who were in abusive situations but chose to leave. What kept you there for the short haul and what made you finally leave?

After you made the break, did you enter into another abusive relationship, or have you succeeded in breaking that cycle?

I was in a abusive relationship for almost 2 years.I am still technically married to the person. I met the lady at work. She was a bubbly person who could get on with everybody, and the attraction was mutual. after a short courting process my parents decided we should marry (something I regret).

About 2 months after the marriage started, she started controlling almost everything I do, If I dare not do as she please then I get verbally abused, later it became physical.

After a few months one of my friends started noticing my behavioral changes, and asked my why I don't leave. I told him there was nothing faulty in our relationship, but doubt started to crept in.

From about a year it all went downhill, Badly I was normally full of bruises and my self-esteem was rock bottom. The one day I walked out the house and went to visit my sister, She asked me why I'm staying in this relationship. I told her that I had nowhere to go.

after about 10 minutes she organized that I could stay with a friend of her for a week before moving back in with my parents. Needless to say that afternoon I left, but it was ww3, as my wife didn't wan't me to leave, she begged me to stay and giveher a second chance, she was even willing to go to councilling, I did leave as she went previously but didn't change.

I almost fell again into that trap, but decided not to see anybody at the moment, as I'm not ready.

 

[Kathryn]

By the way, Paul, just for the record, I love Father Ted!!!

"Drink! Feck! Goyles! Arse!"

Anyway, back to the topic at hand:

I think that there are two diametric forces at work in most abusive relationships - 1) the self esteem (ie, strength) of the victim, and 2) both parties are getting some sort of positive reinforcement from the dynamics of the relationship.

I think it only takes a breakthrough in one of those to shatter the equilibrium of the relationship and possibly break the cycle.

I believe most abusers are truly bullies and cowards at heart and that a strong woman would probably scare the hell out of them.

 

[Kathryn]

te lanus - now that you're out of that (and thank God you are), could you give some insight into why you ever felt that it was ok for her to physically abuse you? I am not critisizing you, I promise. I am looking for insight. How did you justify that in your mind?

 

[te_lanus]

te lanus - now that you're out of that (and thank God you are), could you give some insight into why you ever felt that it was ok for her to physically abuse you? I am not critisizing you, I promise. I am looking for insight.

Unfortunately that is something that I struggle with when I think back at that time.

I think it has a lot to do with being a social outcast my entire life. Thus when she came and accepted me I fell for her, and not really knowing what to expect from a relationship, I fell into the trap of the abuse.

It didn't start of as "bad", but it got ugly only after more than a year. She started out just calling me names and bad mouthing me every now and then, and I just thought that she might have had a bad day. after a few months she started bad mouthing me almost daily, but by then I was under her control. When the physical abuse started, at first I tried to "get back" at her but when she start she get this "power" and get out of control, meaning she is then a lot stronger than what I'm at that moment. and she just over powers me.

How did you justify that in your mind?

Because I was under her control I just started accepting it. Because of the verbal abuse, I capitulated under it.

 

[Kathryn]

What were you afraid you would lose by breaking off the relationship?

 

[Aquitaine]

By the way, Paul, just for the record, I love Father Ted!!!

"Drink! Feck! Goyles! Arse!"

Anyway, back to the topic at hand:

I think that there are two diametric forces at work in most abusive relationships - 1) the self esteem (ie, strength) of the victim, and 2) both parties are getting some sort of positive reinforcement from the dynamics of the relationship.

I think it only takes a breakthrough in one of those to shatter the equilibrium of the relationship and possibly break the cycle.

I believe most abusers are truly bullies and cowards at heart and that a strong woman would probably scare the hell out of them.

Yeah FT is pure Gold ^_^

Anyways, yeah I think even the abusers are just little Men on the inside, I think they would be afraid of properly treating someone as an equal. Out of all the absuvie/exploiting partners I've met, they're either one of two types:

1) People who try to control/overpower their partners because deep down they're incapable, who cannot deal with a real relationship nor see their partner as equal. Ergo, they are the Kim Jong Ill type.

2) People who honestly don't care. They're usually the exploiters. They're simply taking the partner for a ride and then ditching it. Ergo, they are the George Bush type.

But yeah, a lot of them would crumble if faced with a strong, independent partner.

That's another thing, they always seem to brainwash their partners into thinking that they're powerless without them, that if the victim leaves, then he/she will be powerless and could not be independent - when in reality it's usually the other way around!

 

[Kathryn]

Speaking of weird, abusive relationships and former Presidents - I never did understand why Hillary Clinton put up with Bill. I mean, I really, really didn't get it and still don't.

 

[te_lanus]

What were you afraid you would lose by breaking off the relationship?

I was afraid of the unknown, as the marriage was something that I knew,and I had nowhere to go, I would also loose all my belongings, which I almost did (lost most), She also told me that if I leave that she would make certain that I would loose my job and tell my boss that I stole stuff from work, she said that her family would back up this claim.

 

[Kathryn]

Did she actually do that?

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Speaking of weird, abusive relationships and former Presidents - I never did understand why Hillary Clinton put up with Bill. I mean, I really, really didn't get it and still don't.

To make a political career possible.