Why monogamy?

[an anarchist]

Why is monogamy praised and polygamy or open relationships frowned upon?

Am I right when I say that religion has a big part in normalizing monogamy and demonizing other kinds of relationships?

I know, in Christian church I was taught that monogamy was the way because a marriage was a picture of our loyal and singular relationship with God.

Then in my first marriage, I know that I had immense feelings of jealousy and anger when my then wife suggested an open relationship instead of our monogamous one.

So, religion, and unjust possessiveness. These reasons I believe are why monogamy is the norm.

I remember my then wife saying that she felt that monogamous relationships where restrictive and didn't make sense. I just figured she was a whore, but I understand her words and actions from back then a lot better now as the years have passed.

Is monogamy natural? I suppose that's the debate point of the thread.

If you are monogamous, what are your reasons for being so? Are you simply are in a monogamous relationship, or would you not be in a different kind of relationship, such as an open one (e.g. swinger).

I'm currently in a monogamous relationship with my boyfriend. I know that's what he would prefer and I would never suggest to him we change it, for even suggesting that to him I'm sure would bring up feelings of insecurities in our relationship.

But I am no longer opposed to being in an open relationship or something of the sort. I see no good reason why monogamy is so highly praised and open relationships/ polygamy is frowned upon.

 

[Quintessence]

It's less about religion and more about patriarchal social structures that enforce male dominance over all else. It's about males controlling females so they know the female's child is "theirs." All else is window dressing.

 

[JustGeorge]

Why is monogamy praised and polygamy or open relationships frowned upon?

That depends on what circle you run in. If you're around mostly monogamous people, you'll be criticized for going against the 'norm'. I've you're around mostly polygamous people, you'll still be criticized for going against the norm.

(Surprisingly, I've actually found myself criticized for being monogamous.)

Am I right when I say that religion has a big part in normalizing monogamy and demonizing other kinds of relationships?

I think its more cultural, but dominant religion often influences culture.

I know, in Christian church I was taught that monogamy was the way because a marriage was a picture of our loyal and singular relationship with God.

Then in my first marriage, I know that I had immense feelings of jealousy and anger when my then wife suggested an open relationship instead of our monogamous one.

So, religion, and unjust possessiveness. These reasons I believe are why monogamy is the norm.

I think its better to admit you have feelings of jealousy towards such than it is to try to ignore them, and go into it because you feel obligated. Would probably cause for a lot of bitterness down the road.

Its okay to want to be monogamous. Its okay to want to be polygamous. Its just being honest about what you want, not about what you think you should want.

I remember my then wife saying that she felt that monogamous relationships where restrictive and didn't make sense. I just figured she was a whore, but I understand her words and actions from back then a lot better now as the years have passed.

Is monogamy natural? I suppose that's the debate point of the thread.

Sometimes. There are some species of animals that are indeed monogamous, and some that mate and move along.

If you are monogamous, what are your reasons for being so? Are you simply are in a monogamous relationship, or would you not be in a different kind of relationship, such as an open one (e.g. swinger).

I honestly find it difficult to be attracted to more than one person at a time. Its just how I'm wired.

I was once in an abusive relationship I couldn't get out of. I was no longer attracted to, or in love with that partner, I just didn't know how to get away. I ended up meeting someone online(not intentionally). Over time, I fell for the guy hard, but still had to make arrangements to leave(it was a sensitive and dangerous situation). My therapist asked me if I was still intimate with the person I was living with and I said "of course not!", indignantly. She laughed at me and said I was so monogamous, I would feel like I was cheating on "the other man"! She wasn't wrong.

I'm currently in a monogamous relationship with my boyfriend. I know that's what he would prefer and I would never suggest to him we change it, for even suggesting that to him I'm sure would bring up feelings of insecurities in our relationship.

But I am no longer opposed to being in an open relationship or something of the sort. I see no good reason why monogamy is so highly praised and open relationships/ polygamy is frowned upon.

I don't see why people worry what other people do in their relationships, so long as no one's being harmed or deceived.

 

[Circumradiant]

I relate to George above.
Sometimes I feel like monogamy can be innate. I'm also wired to be monogamous, and always desired a relationship with one person only - ever since I Iearnt about romantic love. Polyamory to me is only attractive in fiction. I know that in real life I wouldn't be able to deal with such a relationship, for many reasons, including jealousy.
I have also faced criticism for being monogamous. I often have a visceral reaction to polyamory due to this fact, but we really should just accept that others live differently than us.
As said before, acceptance of non-monogamy depends on who you hang out with. I'm LGBTI+ and it's not uncommon to see members of the community who are in open relationships or poly arrangements. There are individuals who get aggressive if you tell them you want to have a single partner or gasp (!) get married, but it all boils down to ideological disagreements. Everybody has their own mindset.
I distanced myself from the LGBTI+ community because of several negative experiences (was a victim of personal attacks). Anyways...

Pardon me for generalising OP, but seeing as you're an anarchist, it makes sense that you wouldn't be opposed to different relationship models.
I think that if you and your partner are happy with the state of your relationship, that's well and good. I concur that it's unwise to bring up the subject of non-monogamy if your boyfriend isn't accepting of it.

As for monogamy being natural? It can be, just depends on the creature, there are animals who are. As for humans, it's more of a personal and cultural thing. There are societies around the world where having multiple spouses (female or male) is completely normal.

 

[VoidCat]

I don't understand monogamy. The idea you can restrict who someone sleeps with or is in love with by sole basis of the fact they in a relationship with you is just weird to me. I don't understand jealousy either. Altho I dont understand romance in general and while pansexual I may be aromantic. I don't know if im aromantic or not.

 

[Brickjectivity]

Why is monogamy praised and polygamy or open relationships frowned upon?

There are multiple problems in humanity which lead to suffering, fighting, domination and enslavement. Its the human problem. Men are jealous and possessive as are women. We have all kinds of desires that are cruel. We also have personal insecurity and other flaws making us feel shameful and jealous. Marriage is a compromise to keep us docile and gives everyone a shot at love. Other societies have tried other systems. A marriage system isn't the only one, but you can't mix systems easily. You also can't take the beast out of the human. Since polygamy is not compatible with monogamy it cannot be praised.

Marriage has taken on other purposes though. Its become the institution for rearing good children. For a time it was the means of elevating women from their position as chattel.

 

[Brickjectivity]

I don't understand jealousy either

It is a fundamental and typical human thing. Most people feel it. You can also be affected by jealousy and not realize it as it may manifest unconsciously as suspicion, dislike etc.

 

[VoidCat]

It is a fundamental and typical human thing. Most people feel it. You can also be affected by jealousy and not realize it as it may manifest unconsciously as suspicion, dislike etc.

I mean i dont understand getting jealous that someone wants to sleep with another person or is in love with more then one person. Jealousy I've felt but not in that case. Monogamy to me just seems like you claim ownership of the other person that you are in charge of their body and who they love because you are with them. I know it's not like that it's just what my mind thinks of when I think of monogamy. I know it has more to do with both parties just wanting to be exclusive and not with anyone else but I can't shake the feeling that you dont own a person so why does being in a relationship dictate who your significant other sleeps with or is in love with?

 

[VoidCat]

I don't see why people worry what other people do in their relationships, so long as no one's being harmed or deceived

This I agree with. I may not for example understand monogamy but folk can be happy in it and unharmed.

 

[PureX]

Why is monogamy praised and polygamy or open relationships frowned upon?

Am I right when I say that religion has a big part in normalizing monogamy and demonizing other kinds of relationships?

No. Religions, like any other aspect of human culture, follows and reflects the culture rather than dictating it. And there have been many human civilizations and religions wherein polygamy was commonplace and encouraged. You just don't happen to be living in one of them.

I know, in Christian church I was taught that monogamy was the way because a marriage was a picture of our loyal and singular relationship with God.

Then in my first marriage, I know that I had immense feelings of jealousy and anger when my then wife suggested an open relationship instead of our monogamous one.

So, religion, and unjust possessiveness. These reasons I believe are why monogamy is the norm.

Fear and insecurity, of course. Religion ... not so much.

I remember my then wife saying that she felt that monogamous relationships where restrictive and didn't make sense. I just figured she was a whore, but I understand her words and actions from back then a lot better now as the years have passed.

Is monogamy natural? I suppose that's the debate point of the thread.

People's sexual proclivities are not 'one-size-fits-all'. Neither is their an ideal relationship status. And it can be a long and difficult process trying to figure these things out for ourselves. And we're all a bit different. Also, we change over time, as we learn and grow. So it's important that we don't get too caught up in passing judgements on each other. And that we try and stay open to the possibilities that may not be our 'cup of tea' at the moment, but that may be the best solution for others.

If you are monogamous, what are your reasons for being so? Are you simply are in a monogamous relationship, or would you not be in a different kind of relationship, such as an open one (e.g. swinger).

I am old, so none of this matters much to me. But if I were younger, I would be a lot more open to some of these alternatives than I was when I was young. "Swinging" wouldn't be of any interest to me, then or now, but I'd be more open to exploring the desires of my significant other, whatever they might be, as wanting their joy and fulfillment would be a big part in expressing my own. Fear and insecurity tends to make us selfish, I think. As we are able to overcome those, we can become more generous.

I'm currently in a monogamous relationship with my boyfriend. I know that's what he would prefer and I would never suggest to him we change it, for even suggesting that to him I'm sure would bring up feelings of insecurities in our relationship.

But I am no longer opposed to being in an open relationship or something of the sort. I see no good reason why monogamy is so highly praised and open relationships/ polygamy is frowned upon.

It's not really about about the labels. It's about people. Everyone is just trying to find the place they feel most fulfilled. And that's different for each of us. Which is why relationships with other people require some effort, and some sacrifice on our part.

 

[Brickjectivity]

I mean i dont understand getting jealous that someone wants to sleep with another person or is in love with more then one person. Jealousy I've felt but not in that case. Monogamy to me just seems like you claim ownership of the other person that you are in charge of their body and who they love because you are with them. I know it's not like that it's just what my mind thinks of when I think of monogamy. I know it has more to do with both parties just wanting to be exclusive and not with anyone else but I can't shake the feeling that you dont own a person so why does being in a relationship dictate who your significant other sleeps with or is in love with?

Jealousy isn't a rational process, and humans aren't rational creatures. I realize and empathize that sometimes you feel alienated from other people who have a slightly different thought process from you, and I'm sorry for that feeling. Most people feel alienated, sometimes; just from different situations.

Chattel slavery may seem vicious, yet many people have implemented it. What prevents its return? Nothing. Its always in our hearts waiting for a chance to come back. What can we do to prevent such horror? Or should we embrace it? Women are clever, yet they somehow can be manipulated. They have weaknesses. This is an evil flaw. It takes a lot to keep society from sliding backwards as it has already done so many times.

Why do you suppose it was so easy to keep women from voting for a long time? Today even thought they have the recognized right to vote why is it so easy to keep lots of men in Congress and the Senate? There are always very few women in there. I am trying to point out something: women are easily dominated and made second class. They do it to themselves. You do it to yourselves. Let me repeat: you do it to yourselves. It is tragic.

Do we want to experiment with reversing monogamy? I don't care. Don't try to tell me it will be good for women though, because it won't.

 

[VoidCat]

Jealousy isn't a rational process, and humans aren't rational creatures. I realize and empathize that sometimes you feel alienated from other people who have a slightly different thought process from you, and I'm sorry for that feeling. Most people feel alienated, sometimes; just from different situations.

Chattel slavery may seem vicious, yet many people have implemented it. What prevents its return? Nothing. Its always in our hearts waiting for a chance to come back. What can we do to prevent such horror? Or should we embrace it? Women are clever, yet they somehow can be manipulated. They have weaknesses. This is an evil flaw. It takes a lot to keep society from sliding backwards as it has already done so many times.

Why do you suppose it was so easy to keep women from voting for a long time? Today even thought they have the recognized right to vote why is it so easy to keep lots of men in Congress and the Senate? There are always very few women in there. I am trying to point out something: women are easily dominated and made second class. They do it to themselves. You do it to yourselves. Let me repeat: you do it to yourselves. It is tragic.

Do we want to experiment with reversing monogamy? I don't care. Don't try to tell me it will be good for women though, because it won't.

I do not have the energy to break down this post and explain my thoughts on it.

 

[Shadow Wolf]

I am trying to point out something: women are easily dominated and made second class. They do it to themselves. You do it to yourselves. Let me repeat: you do it to yourselves. It is tragic.

That shocks me abit to see that coming from you.
You do know matriarchies have existed, right? That psychology has revealed women tend to make better leaders as they temd to be better at the interpersonal skills that make for better managers? Amd I'm sure you're aware of the casual misogyny that finds a woman in her period to be suspicious.

 

[Shadow Wolf]

Do we want to experiment with reversing monogamy? I don't care. Don't try to tell me it will be good for women though, because it won't.

Have you considered enforced monogamy doles out women to men who otherwise would remain single.

 

[TurkeyOnRye]

Have you considered enforced monogamy doles out women to men who otherwise would remain single.

Point being?

There's no reason for a man who has the pick of many women to invest in you, obviously.

What a tragedy that a woman would have to settle for a man in her own league just to receive acknowledgement and due consideration.

There are many reasons for monogamy, at least if you're interested in more than a **** buddy and someone to be seen with on a night out.

 

[Shadow Wolf]

There's no reason for a man who has the pick of many women to invest in you, obviously.

The ****? I wasn't even discussing that.

What a tragedy that a woman would have to settle for a man in her league just to receive acknowledgement and due consideration.

No, I meam settling for a guy that she doesn't really want because she just met the man of her dreams and then met his wife.

There are many reasons for monogamy, at least if you're interested in more than a f*** buddy and someone to be seen with on a night out.

I'm a polygamist and know a bunch of them. That we aren't interested in more than a **** buddy, I'll have to tell the local group here.

 

[TurkeyOnRye]

No, I meam settling for a guy that she doesn't really want because she just met the man of her dreams and then met his wife.

Isn't it ironic? Don't you think?

 

[Shadow Wolf]

Isn't it ironic? Don't you think?

It's a tragedy.

 

[Debater Slayer]

There are many reasons for monogamy, at least if you're interested in more than a **** buddy and someone to be seen with on a night out.

I'm strictly monogamous myself, but I've known polyamorous people, and none of them only want either of the above. I've seen them display as much dedication, commitment, and care toward their partners as most monogamous people I've known.

I don't have any problems with whatever type of relationship other adults choose for themselves as long as the relationships are based on informed consent and harm no one.

 

[TurkeyOnRye]

It's a tragedy.

I think it's good advice that you just can't take.