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Would you hook up with someone...

Badran

Badran

Veteran Member
Premium Member
Slapstick said:
Thanks everyone. I have never been in a serious relationship before which is why I’m asking.

So even if this person came to me first and I never had any intentions to get involved with her in the first place, should I still ask what her current relationship is like, because she has already told me a little about it and it doesn’t seem all that great. As if her bf doesn’t really pay her much attention or have much time for her. I mean, should I actually ask her about her current “relationship” and what she thinks about it?
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Slapstick said:
So this person is obviously a waste of time then. Is what I'm getting from everyone else.
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Not necessarily, she might be about to end it or something. If possible, more context would be helpful. Can you share more about the situation?
 
Sunstone

Sunstone

De Diablo Del Fora
Premium Member
Slapstick said:
Would you hook up with someone that has a boyfriend or girlfriend?
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Ideally, no. Absolutely not. But reality has a way of kicking the teeth out of people's ideals, mine included. I've known happy couples who began their relationship when one, the other, or the both of them were with someone else.

You can always second-guess such relationships -- "Well, why couldn't they have waited until they'd broken off with their former partners?" -- but you often times don't know enough about their situations to make more than guesses. You can be just kidding yourself when you think you know enough.

That is, you might know enough to make a moral decision (depending on your moral views), but you often times don't know enough to make an existential decision -- to judge whether the couple could have done it any other way and yet still have come out of it as a happy couple.

On the other hand, I've known of at least one or two couples who seemed to have had a pretty good relationship until it was meddled in by a manipulative third party.

Having said all that, I think it's rarely a good idea to hook up with someone who is in a relationship.

Aquitaine said:
Absolutely not. Unless the boyfriend/girlfriend was abusive and thus wasn't really worthy of being perceived as a real partner for the individual in-question.
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I agree with you, Aquitaine. If someone is abusing a person, that someone has lost all right of being taken for a serious partner to the person they're abusing. Of course, I've had abusers and people sympathetic to abusers tell me different, but I don't have much respect for such opinions.

Badran said:
I always believed and still believe that in the heat of the moment, my rules could come down crashing on my head. If i'm really attracted to a girl, and i perceive the mess i'm talking about above, i'll try to do what i think is right. But, for example, if she tries to seduce me and the situation allows for it, who knows what i'll do. Having never been in that situation, i don't know.
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Those remarks strike me as the most insightful in this thread so far. You don't know what you'll do in a fire until you've been in one.
 
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M

maninthewilderness

optimistic skeptic
I'm married so the answer now is "no".
But when I was single I hooked up with quite a few women who were either in a relationship or married.

The way I saw it (and still see it) is like this: if she doesn't care about her marriage or relationship, why should I?

If my wife decided to cheat on me, how could I blame the other guy?

If my own wife does not hold our marriage as sacred, then why should some other guy hold my marriage as sacred?
 
DallasApple

DallasApple

Depends Upon My Mood..
Mainly..how does she feel about it.And what do you mean by "hook up" ?A one night stand is a blurry regret(or a phasy happy memory)..seems she means more to you than that.Or you wouldn't be worried about her BF.
 
MysticSang'ha

MysticSang'ha

Big Squishy Hugger
Premium Member
Slapstick said:
that has a boyfriend or girlfriend? This is a serious question so I hope no one does not take it seriously.
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If all parties are considered and the relationship is an open relationship, AND if there is a connection I have with that potential partner, then yes.

But if it's secretive, I say no.
 
ChristineES

ChristineES

Tiggerism
Premium Member
Slapstick said:
So this person is obviously a waste of time then. Is what I'm getting from everyone else.
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Well, not necessarily. Give it some time, if he/she is interested in you he/she might be ready to end it with his/her bf, you never know. But if you he/she is still in love with his/her bf/gf, then maybe it is a waste of time.
 
Draka

Draka

Wonder Woman
Well, not one for trying to sound all moral and "good" here I'll say this much...

Been there...done that. And not just bf/gf either...married (for answer to the hook-up/one night stand stuff - granted at this point in my life that was many years ago). Matter of fact, my hubby now got involved with me when I was still married to my second husband and he was still living with his last girlfriend. Our then relationships were both pretty much null and void. His was basically a roommate situation at the time and I was dealing with a jealous and verbally abusive jackwad and was trying to push for divorce and the jackwad was drawing it out.

It really does have to do with each and every individual situation. Labels of boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife do not define a relationship. What you see on the exterior of a relationship does not always reflect the inner workings. Not to mention getting out of a relationship may sometimes be easier said than done.
 
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LuisDantas

LuisDantas

Aura of atheification
Premium Member
Slapstick said:
that has a boyfriend or girlfriend? This is a serious question so I hope no one does not take it seriously.
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If I knew that the existing relationship is open or ending, I well might. It is hard to talk in general terms about such things, though.
 
4consideration

4consideration

*
Premium Member
Slapstick said:
that has a boyfriend or girlfriend? This is a serious question so I hope no one does not take it seriously.
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No. (BTW, I'm married.)

I think it is good rule of thumb to expect a person to treat you the way they treat others.

If she calls the other guy her "boyfriend" it sounds like she's talking about cheating. In most cases, I would say that a relationship formed in an environment of "cheating" does not have a good foundation.

There are many possible variables in a situation like you have described.

So...generally speaking...if the girl is in a relationship where she has made an agreement to have an exclusive relationship with someone else, she ought to know it and be able to answer a direct question about it. I think a direct question is good, so that you may know what you are dealing with.

If she says, "yes," she has that kind of exclusive relationship and hooks up with someone else -- as a form of deception (for whatever reason,) it is wise for you to understand that you may be forming a relationship with someone that seems to have chosen deception in order to do what she wants, rather than honestly exiting the relationship first...and then getting with you after concluding it.

A boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is generally ended by one party saying it's over, and then acting as though it is over. It's not like a marriage, where the couple has to wait for paperwork to be processed in order to finalize it.

If they are living together, that's a pretty good indication (but not positive) that both parties formed some sort of agreement to be exclusive. Again, in the case that they are living together, if it is agreed to be a sexually open relationship, both parties would know it, and there would be nothing to hide.

If there was not an agreement of exclusive dating (or sexual relationship) and she is simply casually dating someone else, (and she does not expect the other person to be exclusive) I don't think there is a problem -- except there's always the possibility the other guy might think she is exclusively his girlfriend, and could cause a problem.
 
Sand Dancer

Sand Dancer

Crazy Cat Lady
Slapstick said:
I am too, but lets say a hook up means more than a one night stand.
As in it could possibly lead to much more than a one night stand. If doesn't would you hook up with this person anyways just to find out what its all about?
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If anyone I was interested in had a girlfriend, I would become a friend and patiently wait for an opportunity for it to be more if they ended up breaking up.
 
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