You’ve mentioned in another thread that you practice mindfulness while doing easy tasks like the dishes.
Correct. I don't always do that, but I've increasingly been incorporating it into my daily routine.
How do you separate controlling your thoughts from controlling your temperament?
Thoughts are the product of our mind's activity. Temperament is our response to our thoughts and surroundings. There's a major difference, although it can be subtle. Sometimes there's also a lot of overlap between the regulation of both, however. (I say "regulation" rather than "control" because there's also a difference between these two things.)
I don't try to control my thoughts themselves, nor my temperament. Instead, my focus is on adjusting my mindset and perspective so that the thoughts that arise within my mind continue to become healthier, better at adapting to various circumstances and surroundings, and less conducive to suffering and discomfort.
I take a similar approach regarding my temperament: I've never been prone to anger in the first place (which I'm thankful for), but I'm much more focused on adjusting my mindset so that I don't
need to control my temperament in the first place. Two of my practices are acceptance of what I can't change and reduction or elimination of expectations. Often, when someone gets angry at something or someone else, it's either because of unmet expectations, unmet desires, or a lack of acceptance of what has just happened. In a lot of situations, this is healthy, perfectly understandable, and perfectly normal. It's no reason to be ashamed, nor is it a reason to feel guilty.
A personal and major example of applying the above in my own life has been regarding the society I come from. Up until a few years ago, I used to harbor a lot of resentment, bitterness, and hostility toward many people where I live because of their worldviews, which include a lot of aspects that entail viewing people like me and others I care about as undeserving of basic rights, immoral, dishonest, etc. That was also the time when I was highly supportive of "New Atheism," mainly because I saw it as an outlet for how I felt at the time.
But nowadays, I accept that such beliefs are the result of human nature (especially human tribalism, proneness to acceptance of the familiar over the unfamiliar, and the powerful influences of upbringing and social reinforcement) and material conditions (e.g., history, culture, economy, education, and geopolitics, among other things) that I simply can't change.
It helps to put things into perspective by considering that throughout history, various cultures have had positive attitudes toward certain groups and negative attitudes toward others, and what I'm experiencing is part of a perpetual cycle in human communities and cultures. There's no use for me to feel bitter or resentful about it, although the feeling would, in my opinion, be understandable. Being understandable doesn't always mean being beneficial.
This is where the issue of control versus regulation comes in: controlling such feelings as resentment, bitterness, and hostility implies that one is experiencing those feelings in the first place—and to an extent where one needs to control them. Trying to "control" those emotions, in this case, seems to me an exercise in suppression of emotions, which is an unhealthy thing. Instead, examining the
root causes of the emotions is a much sounder way of handling them and working on reducing or removing the negative effects thereof.
In this case, the root causes included unmet expectations and desires (e.g., the desire that most people where I live would have more progressive or more accepting views) and insufficient acknowledgement that I couldn't control the status quo of society. But what if those expectations are no longer there? What if I accept that, by sheer accumulation of numerous factors that I can't change or control, I'm in this situation right now, and there are things I can do and things I can't do about it? Accepting that a situation is
currently a certain way doesn't have to entail not doing anything about it, nor does it mean being complacent or refusing to act toward change (e.g., moving to another society).
Another part of my practice is the view that emotions try to tell us something; they carry a message to us. However, we don't have to hold on to the emotions after we have received and understood the message. When I feel stress about an upcoming interview, that feeling is telling me to prepare well and do my best. After understanding this message, I have no reason to hold on to the stress. I can acknowledge it, allow myself to feel it, and then let it flow away.
This is the difference between suppression and regulation of emotions. I like using the example of aerodynamics in cars: look at the difference between these two vehicles. The first one is the 2013 McLaren P1, a high-performance supercar, or "hypercar," with then-groundbreaking performance figures:
The second one is a Mercedes-Benz Sprinter, one of the vehicles in the company's range of vans:
As you can see in the above illustrations, the way each of them reacts to airflow against and around the vehicle is very different. Both could be driving under identical conditions on the same street, but they would handle airflow very differently because of their aerodynamics.
I picture thoughts in a similar way: when they float in or around our mind, we don't have to avoid them or "control" them. We can acknowledge them and allow ourselves to feel the emotions arising from them. However, the key is to let them flow away without bringing us down or, as in the case of the two abovementioned vehicles, slow us down. The McLaren is much faster than the Mercedes van for multiple reasons, including its more efficient aerodynamics. Similarly, I think meditation, mindfulness, and adjustment of perspective can allow us to improve our handling of thoughts and emotions.
How do separate that from being detached from your emotions? For example, if something happens that terribly upsets you but feeling it in the moment would distract you from something important and/or make you lose your cool and act foolishly, so you choose to set it aside for when you can feel. How do you decide when to come back to it?
One of the most important things a therapist has ever told me was, "You don't need to be stress-free in order to function and focus on a present task." Of course, there are varying degrees of intensity when it comes to an event that upsets someone, so sometimes one's approach would have to vary according to the situation at hand.
However, I usually don't find myself methodically setting a feeling aside and then deciding when to allow myself to feel it. I just try to focus on the present moment and finish what I have to do; if what happened was significant, the feeling itself tends to come back to the fore later on without any need for me to specifically pick a time for that.
This ties into my response to the previous question: if I find myself feeling that I may act foolishly because something upset me, I will examine the root causes of such a reaction and work on those. It can take a lot of practice, but over time, it is possible not to feel that way anymore even under intense pressure. At that point, you don't need to "set aside" the feeling per se; you can feel it and still manage to carry out the present tasks. The difference is in how much your mind is focused on it, not in whether you allow yourself to feel it at all.
Choosing to think into painful things can lead you down a negative rabbit hole, no? If you sense that the thoughts you’re having right now will lead to negative emotions, but you have the ability to think of other things instead, isn’t it better to change the thought line?
That depends on the thoughts and why I'm having them. Dwelling on painful thoughts is definitely unhealthy, and learning to avoid that habit is a crucial part of mindfulness. As I said above, it is sufficient to understand the message the painful feeling is bringing and let the thoughts flow away afterward. A lot of thoughts are pointless to explore, and as you said, they can lead down a negative rabbit hole of overthinking, distraction, and unnecessary suffering.
But sometimes necessary thoughts can also be painful, in which case I think it's better to either delay thinking about them until we're in a better state of mind or to continue thinking about them but adjust our perspective in a way that allows us to do what's necessary without being overwhelmed by pain.
Whenever I had my monthly break and went home during my conscription period, I would feel extremely burdened by the thought that I would have to go back within a few days. At the same time, I had to think about going back, because there are a lot of things you need to prepare for before going to your unit (e.g., buying a bunch of hygiene products, taking enough money with you, etc.). Over time, I had to learn to look at the root causes of my feelings instead of setting aside the necessary thoughts about going back.
The thoughts were painful because of an unmet expectation (i.e., wishing I could stay home and not have to go back) and a lack of acceptance of a situation I couldn't change (i.e., being conscripted to begin with). I couldn't change my situation at the time, but I could work on my perspective and apply the same approach to many situations other than that specific one.
One important thing to consider is that sometimes all we do by switching our focus to another thought is that we suppress and bury painful thoughts instead of dealing with their root causes, acknowledging the thoughts, and letting them flow away. My mind doesn't have to be free of negative thoughts; it has to be free of the
long-term pain and distraction that many negative thoughts can cause. There's a vast difference between allowing ourselves to feel something in the moment and dwelling on it long after the initial thought has left us.
And when you’re feeling your feelings how long do you let them go on for?
I aim to feel them for as long as doing so is productive and conducive to positive goals (but I don't always succeed in that; I believe meditation and mindfulness are lifelong practices with continual room for allowing us to improve our perspective and state of mind). Once feeling them becomes more conducive to suffering, distraction, or any other negative outcome than it is useful, I try to work on letting them fade away.
There are exceptions, such as love and empathy, but even those sometimes require reining in because they, like any other emotion, can become counterproductive if not regulated with mindfulness and awareness. An example of this is when someone reads negative or tragic news and finds themselves being so weighed down by the state of the world that they feel paralyzed and unable to help anyone or do anything. It's good that they have empathy, but it's also important to regulate its expression so that it can be channeled toward positive action (when one can do something to help) and productive thinking instead of merely weighing one down.
This was very long, but your questions here explore great and thought-provoking subjects. I didn't feel I would sufficiently answer them otherwise.
I hope you find this post helpful!
I do believe I've made much emotional progress in myself, though.
