Socially Acceptable Damage

[JustGeorge]

Definitely. That's how the school counsellor and principal reacted at school. I taught younger kids and as far as I know, it didn't happen. Definitely not attention seeking behavior either. Thanks for this thread, very interesting stuff.

No, its very seldom for attention. I was mindful not to do it where it would be seen.

I heard of ink rubbing tattoos, where a person would cut, and then rub ink, creating a long term but temporary tattoo.

 

[JustGeorge]

Self harm stimming is pretty common in the autistic world. I've only ever had one cutting instance as a teen but hair pulling, picking, self biting, head hitting is all things I and a lot of neurodivergent people have done during or preceeding melt downs. I think society just doesn't understand how damaging psychological distress can be, or how inaccessible other ways of coping like exercising or meditation can be during intense distress, especially but by no means solely for brains prone to overstimulation or lack of dopamine or serotonin regulation. So even though the self harm is usually paradoxically helping things from getting worse psychologically and physically (because intense distress is also physically harmful), society only sees the physical distress it causes and dubs it worse than the psychological distress it's mitigating. Which is why psychologists and counselors often tell parents and family to *not interfere* with cutting or hitting oneself unless it gets to a very extreme degree which it rarely does.

Tl;dr it's just not something society at large has had cause to think about past the immediate physical ramifications.

Psychological stress can cause all sorts of different behaviors, some more harmful than others.

There seems to be the idea that very generic things will work on all people, but it doesn't always work like that.

While I no longer cut or drink problematically, the 'stress relief' techniques often given are not helpful to me.

Actually, if I'm on the verge of a breakdown, I'll ask whatever person is dealing with me to tell me about their problems. Focusing on them helps take my mind off of me.

 

[Koldo]

Trigger Warning: Contains Graphic Mention of Self Harm

Somewhere in my teen aged years, I learned to cut.

Not paper, but my own skin. I really don't remember how it started, but, there it was.

It wasn't that I wanted to do serious harm. On the contrary, it calmed me down at a time that I was deeply depressed and so anxious that it impeded my ability to form friendships. And it wasn't just random hashing up... I'd do designs, phrases, small pictures...

But I had to keep it to myself. It was generally frowned upon. Greatly. I had maybe one or two friends that were okay to tell(and one with the same habit). Presenting my 'work' was usually met with harsh admonishments and instruction to "get help". I had one absolutely gorgeous design; the patterns covered from my ankle to my knee(both front and back of leg). I was so proud of it... but couldn't display it(though it really was not much different than a tattoo). I took a risk and showed my then boyfriend... "You did that?" he said. I cringed, nodded, and waited for the lecture. "That's beautiful." Not what I was expecting, and one of my more dear memories...

The next guy wasn't so accepting. He'd ream me out here to next Sunday if he found so much as a scratch on me(which was a problem, because I didn't always do it). I took to cutting the bottoms of my feet. The designs stopped, just 'quick lines', to make it seem innocent. Stress built up. He was hard to live with, and a mean drunk. I'd panic any time he cracked a bottle. He tried to be sympathetic about it, but really didn't understand how his drinking could upset anyone. (People always say mean things when they're drunk, he thought. You just ignore them and move on, in his mind.) One night, he asked if I'd be okay if he had a beer. I said sure. I'll take your Jager, then.

Up to that point, I'd never drank a drop. He was surprised, asked if I was sure, and I confirmed. So I had my first drink; straight Jager. I sat, sipped, watched Spongebob. And I did feel better. So, I switched from cutting to drinking. I drank a lot.

I was the world's most boring drunk. I didn't do anything exciting. I merely managed stress levels. I averaged 5 a night, but no one could tell I'd had a thing(gin and flavored water was my thing). I'd hear people express they were glad I'd stopped the other habit, which absolutely baffled me. "But this is worse, isn't it? This is really bad for me. The scars were only skin deep, and they healed." I'd get a bunch of half reasons on why this was preferable, but I'll be honest, none made sense to me.

It just seemed drinking, though much, much worse for me, was okay, because other people said it was okay. Cutting was not, because it made other people uncomfortable.

I don't drink heavily or cut anymore. But I still am confused about the responses I received during that time.

Why do you feel society is okay with one, but frowns on the other?

First because drinking in itself is socially acceptable, but cutting oneself is not. So when someone drinks a lot the problem is in the 'a lot' part and not in the 'drinking' part.

Second because drinking a lot regularly is common, but cutting oneself intentionally is not.

Third because it is easier to relate to heavy drinks than to self-cutters.

 

[JustGeorge]

First because drinking in itself is socially acceptable, but cutting oneself is not. So when someone drinks a lot the problem is in the 'a lot' part and not in the 'drinking' part.

Second because drinking a lot regularly is common, but cutting oneself intentionally is not.

Third because it is easier to relate to heavy drinks than to self-cutters.

Well, I gathered that. I just questioned why one was socially acceptable, and the other wasn't.

What I'm gathering so far is that one looks bad visually, which causes people to feel negative emotions. Because we're(people) emotional animals, not logical ones(for the most part), we're going to respond more so to how something hits our emotions rather than ponder deeply on it.

Also, because cutting is more unfamiliar, it seems a bit scary, or bizarre. Alcohol, even when it causes negative behaviors, is more of a familiar phenomenon, so it doesn't hold the same stigma.

At least, these are the opinions I'm forming on the topic so far.

 

[Vinayaka]

Well, I gathered that. I just questioned why one was socially acceptable, and the other wasn't.

What I'm gathering so far is that one looks bad visually, which causes people to feel negative emotions. Because we're(people) emotional animals, not logical ones(for the most part), we're going to respond more so to how something hits our emotions rather than ponder deeply on it.

Also, because cutting is more unfamiliar, it seems a bit scary, or bizarre. Alcohol, even when it causes negative behaviors, is more of a familiar phenomenon, so it doesn't hold the same stigma.

At least, these are the opinions I'm forming on the topic so far.

Boss would faint because of one of them, and pass out because of the other. Not much difference.

 

[JustGeorge]

Boss would faint because of one of them, and pass out because of the other. Not much difference.

Are you meaning she'd faint at the idea of harming herself, or viewing someone else having done it?

 

[Vinayaka]

Well, I gathered that. I just questioned why one was socially acceptable, and the other wasn't.

What I'm gathering so far is that one looks bad visually, which causes people to feel negative emotions. Because we're(people) emotional animals, not logical ones(for the most part), we're going to respond more so to how something hits our emotions rather than ponder deeply on it.

Also, because cutting is more unfamiliar, it seems a bit scary, or bizarre. Alcohol, even when it causes negative behaviors, is more of a familiar phenomenon, so it doesn't hold the same stigma.

At least, these are the opinions I'm forming on the topic so far.

I'm amazed, as usual, about how socially acceptable booze is, despite it's absolutely undeniable harm. Here in Canuckistan, where marijuana is legal, that too is becoming more acceptable, but I find that more logical than booze.

 

[Vinayaka]

Are you meaning she'd faint at the idea of harming herself, or viewing someone else having done it?

At the sight of blood, so both.

 

[JustGeorge]

I'm amazed, as usual, about how socially acceptable booze is, despite it's absolutely undeniable harm. Here in Canuckistan, where marijuana is legal, that too is becoming more acceptable, but I find that more logical than booze.

I am, too. Its not that I'm against alcohol in any form, it just seems the fact that alcohol dependence is generally seen as no big deal is strange to me. Very enabling.

At the sight of blood, so both.

I had a roommate that cut, and sometimes required intervention because of it. She'd call me into the room when it happened, and she'd smile, said she'd gone too far. Needed help. And I'd smile back, and tell her we'd get her cleaned up, and make a plan where to go next. And we did.

With cutters, I find they're often already feeling a lack of love in their life or general pain, and rejecting them often makes them hurt more. Shaming them doesn't make them want to discontinue the behavior. It just makes them really stinking sad. (Most of the time.) Probably why that ex's response to my leg two decades ago still is a very dear memory.

 

[Vinayaka]

I am, too. Its not that I'm against alcohol in any form, it just seems the fact that alcohol dependence is generally seen as no big deal is strange to me. Very enabling.

I had a roommate that cut, and sometimes required intervention because of it. She'd call me into the room when it happened, and she'd smile, said she'd gone too far. Needed help. And I'd smile back, and tell her we'd get her cleaned up, and make a plan where to go next. And we did.

With cutters, I find they're often already feeling a lack of love in their life or general pain, and rejecting them often makes them hurt more. Shaming them doesn't make them want to discontinue the behavior. It just makes them really stinking sad. (Most of the time.) Probably why that ex's response to my leg two decades ago still is a very dear memory.

That's what I'm getting out of this thread as well, and why post 40 made so much sense. But treating symptoms instead of causes is almost this society's modus operandi.

 

[JustGeorge]

That's what I'm getting out of this thread as well, and why post 40 made so much sense. But treating symptoms instead of causes is almost this society's modus operandi.

We do that...

I remember talking with a therapist about my drinking in my 20s. I asked her if she thought I was an alcoholic.

She said no, I was covering a problem that wasn't able to be solved at that time, and that when the problem was solved, I would lose interest.

Yup! She was right.

 

[Secret Chief]

Well, I gathered that. I just questioned why one was socially acceptable, and the other wasn't.

Random fact I've just read on FB:

"The British Beer and Pub Association says the sale of low and no-alcohol beer in pubs has more than doubled since 2019."

 

[Vinayaka]

Actually, if I'm on the verge of a breakdown, I'll ask whatever person is dealing with me to tell me about their problems. Focusing on them helps take my mind off of me.

That puts the comparison of 'You think you got it bad, look at the people in the refugee camps' right into immediate awareness. It's a great strategy.

 

[JustGeorge]

That puts the comparison of 'You think you got it bad, look at the people in the refugee camps' right into immediate awareness. It's a great strategy.

I don't think its quite that, because then the feelings spill into guilt, and that doesn't improve things.

I think its more of a distraction, and the chance I can help whoever I got to spill the beans. Helping makes most people feel better.