20 Years From Now...

[Rival]

What happened to all the RFians 20 years hence? :O

@Debater Slayer emigrated to New Zealand, where he now lives with his older wife Laura and runs his own shady business dealing in computer repairs. After he's repaired the computer, he infects it with more viruses so his customers just keep coming back.

@Laika fled to France following Brexit's crackdown on Communists, and he now lives with his boyfriends Marc and Diderot. Both of these boyfriends are secretly planning to murder each other so that they can have Laika to themselves. Sadly, it didn't go to plan, Laika ended up drinking the poisoned coffee instead and he's now in the hospital. Best wishes, Laika.

 

[Thief]

Thief is ninja!
I disappeared
never to be seen again

 

[Sunstone]

@Rival, after finally despairing of her myriad attempts to grow golden armpit hair just as beautiful as Sunstone's, takes to the road to pursue her second greatest ambition in life: That of becoming the most renown itinerant toenail painter on the European continent. Visiting the courts of famous politicians and leaders from France to Russia, she gradually gains fame and fortune for the magnificent works of art she executes on their toes. Finally with the money she's justly earned from her endeavors, she retires to the wild hills of Scotland, where she spends her final years trying to out drink @A Greased Scotsman in all night battles of whiskey and wit.

 

[Quetzal]

@Quetzal attempted to flee the planet after being stood up by @Quintessence for the 17th time in a row. His plans were abruptly thwarted when a navigational error in his space craft sent him careening into the International Space Station. There were no survivors except @Quetzal who was able to seek refuge on the Moon. Some say he is still there to this day. We know this because he continues to send tweets blaming former President Trump for all misfortunes in American politics. This despite the fact Trump died 6 years earlier.

 

[Quetzal]

@Revoltingest finally made good on his promise to fix his van. Additionally, in a last minute act of defiance, he would leave Mrs. Revolt and elope with a bikini model from Sweden.

 

[Kemosloby]

Kemosloby epic failed stopping highway traffic to preach 9/11 truth, once in a while an RF'er stops to ponder visiting his grave, but realizing they have no clue where that is, goes on to other things.

 

[Kilgore Trout]

You'll all be doing pretty much exactly what you're doing now - only you'll be a bit fatter, a bit slower, and lot more flatulent.

 

[Sunstone]

After a few years spent endlessly debating Sunstone over the net on the merits of "Coffee versus Milk", @Terese decides to take matters to the next level by visiting Sunstone in Colorado in order to drive home the superiority of milk as a beverage of choice. Unfortunately, her tickets get messed up at the airport and she finds herself on a chartered flight to the UK with the Australian National Polka Dance Team. Once in the UK, she calls @Sakeenah to pick her up at the airport.

Sakeenah and Terese hit it off like sisters and decide to open a caramel cheesecake factory. They quickly prosper as droves of cafe and bistro owners beat a path to their factory door in order to place huge orders for the exquisite cakes.

With a portion of the profits they've made, the two spend their free time purchasing kittens over the net from American pet stores and having them anonymously shipped to Sunstone, who forever remains totally clueless about who are the true perpetrators of the horrifying cat deluge that soon infests his cottage.

 

[Thief]

You'll all be doing pretty much exactly what you're doing now - only you'll be a bit fatter, a bit slower, and lot more flatulent.

already there...

 

[Sunstone]

After buying out the owner of the frame shop he works at, @Onyx enjoys several years of prosperity due to a shrewd business deal he has cut with Donald Trump to become the exclusive framer of all the massively huge portraits of Trump that Trump has ordered via Twitter to be placed in every US Post Office.

However, in a strange turn of events, Onyx decides to visit Sunstone in Colorado. While en route from Missouri to Colorado, he is picked up for speeding by @David1967 . The two soon exchange notes and realize that, while Onyx makes guitars, David sells them (when not working as a part time police officer). A partnership is formed, but business is slow.

In order to boost sales, the two hire @Thief to use his ninja like abilities to steal people's guitars, causing a sudden surge in replacement sales. The three cahooters enjoy a number of years of prosperity in this manner until it suddenly dawns on them that what they're doing is wrong. Ashamed of themselves and feeling guilty, they donate all the profits they've made from their illicit business to start a charitable organization exclusively dedicated to providing refuge to "Homeless and Wayward Dancing Girls", and are consequently later recognized as saints by their respective faiths.

 

[Sunstone]

The @Debater Slayer Alternative Facts Version: After illegally immigrating to New Zealand, DS happily finds a job as a proof-reader in the country's largest publishing house. There he is so efficient at proof reading that he soon realizes he has the spare time to take on a worthwhile cause in the interests of bettering humanity.

Sorting about for a worthwhile cause, he at last settles on scouring the internet for cases in which the Oxford comma should have been used, and then writing blistering corrective emails to those who perpetrated the error: "Sir, it has come to my attention that on or about the 16th of this month you authored an article for the online magazine, Pork Belly Futures, in which you committed the grave and insufferable error of not employing the Oxford comma when called for. Sir! There can be no justification whatsoever for your appalling lapse in...."

After years of diligent and selfless toil in his endeavor, DS is designated a Japanese National Living Treasure for his efforts to propagate the use of the Oxford comma. A few short days later, he is deported from New Zealand as a public menace to the nation's collective sanity.

 

[Revoltingest]

@Revoltingest finally made good on his promise to fix his van. Additionally, in a last minute act of defiance, he would leave Mrs. Revolt and elope with a bikini model from Sweden.

Thank Cthulu for blind deaf wealthy women of low taste.

 

[Onyx]

However, in a strange turn of events, Onyx decides to visit Sunstone in Colorado.

Eat your heart out.

 

[Onyx]

cahooters

Is that a real word?

 

[Sakeenah]

After a few years spent endlessly debating Sunstone over the net on the merits of "Coffee versus Milk", @Terese decides to take matters to the next level by visiting Sunstone in Colorado in order to drive home the superiority of milk as a beverage of choice. Unfortunately, her tickets get messed up at the airport and she finds herself on a chartered flight to the UK with the Australian National Polka Dance Team. Once in the UK, she calls @Sakeenah to pick her up at the airport.

Sakeenah and Terese hit it off like sisters and decide to open a caramel cheesecake factory. They quickly prosper as droves of cafe and bistro owners beat a path to their factory door in order to place huge orders for the exquisite cakes.

With a portion of the profits they've made, the two spend their free time purchasing kittens over the net from American pet stores and having them anonymously shipped to Sunstone, who forever remains totally clueless about who are the true perpetrators of the horrifying cat deluge that soon infests his cottage.

Sounds like a bright future!

A cheesecake eating cat <3

 

[Sunstone]

@lovesong marries Harris although her heart is divided between him and @Nietzsche. In an effort to have both men lovers in her life, she gets Harris a lucrative job as a traveling chicken egg sexer. This gives her plenty of time to sneak Nietzsche in during Harris' many intercontinental business trips.

All goes swimmingly well for a number of years, during which time Lovesong changes her name to SingingSlut at Sunstone's avuncular insistence. Then in a bitter turn of fate, Nietzsche is hired by America's foremost chain of leather whip stores to star in their late night inforcommericals. At first, neither SingingSlut (who by now has once again taken Sunstone's avuncular advice and again changed her name -- this time to SoaringSuck) nor Nietzsche realize the dark fate that now awaits them.

For there comes a night when Harris, alone in an Arkansas motel room, faces off insomnia by turning on the TV to watch the late night inforcommericals. There he is confronted with a thirty minute commercial featuring a black-leather clad Nietzsche demonstrating the use of leather whips to enhance the sex lives of spouses, partners, significant others, and domestic pets.

Enraged beyond reason at this proof that his old nemesis is doing well, Harris spends the rest of the night scouring the internet for evil ideas. Then, returning home unexpectedly, he discovers Nietzsche and SoaringSuck (who by now has changed her name to BobbingSuck) in the kitchen nude together gleefully preparing exploding Easter Eggs to donate to the local TV megachurch. Harris has a sudden revelation: "Nietzsche can't be all that bad if he's willing to donate exploding Easter eggs to that tiresome Pastor Slick-Dollar's TV megachurch."

With that revelation, Harris emerges from his hiding place and shouts, "Nietzsche! My friend! My brother! My hombre!", then charges forward to slap Nietzsche good-naturally on the back. This sudden display of passionate affection so confuses and terrifies both Nietzsche and BobbingSuck (who just moments before changed her name to LoveSlut) that they are both petrified to stone on the spot.

A now despondent Harris is left to mourn their passing. In the end, after months of contemplation, he disposes of their remains by donating their petrified bodies to the city, to be erected as statues in a public park. Thus the couple gain immortal fame as ill-fated lovers along the lines of Heloise and Abelard, or Romeo and Juliet, and each year their statues are swamped with wilting flowers and sick, angst-dripping poems left by mainly 14 year old teary-eyed adolescents.

 

[Sunstone]

Several years from now, @Sartre has amassed a fortune from sales of his patented home tooth extractor -- the SARTRE'S SCREWUZE ROTATING WONDER EXTRACTOR, "Save on Dentist Dollars with the SARTRE'S SCREWUZE!" -- and is wildly respected as a capitalist millionaire.

Yet, he is actually secretly funneling most of the profits to a group of traveling fandango dancers who are in fact a front organization for the Red Menace Revolutionary Society, a band of communists dedicated to the overthrow of the bourgeois.

 

[Sunstone]

Twenty years from now, @fantome profane has despaired of being one of the last remaining sensible people on earth and has consequently retreated to an isolated cabin high in the Canadian Rockies. His only companion is a grizzly bear with whom he hunts elk for sustenance, and to whom he reads Shakespearean poetry to pass the long Canadian winters.

Secretly, Fantome wishes to also read more modern poetry to his grizzly, but the bear is having none of it. He, the bear, was born a fan of Shakespeare and fully intends to die a fan of Shakespeare too.

 

[Debater Slayer]

@Quetzal finally achieves his dream of relocating to Pluto. However, realizing planets don't really view it as one of their peers, he develops a Napoleon complex on behalf of Pluto and tries to move out. Unfortunately, he gets lost after flying alone into space and ends up on the worst and most insane place he could have found in all of space: the Earth.

 

[fantome profane]

Sometime in the next ten years @Sunstone will move to Africa with plans to start a Safari Adventure company. But will decide that is too dangerous and too much work and will open a petting zoo instead. Things will go well for for him there for the next ten years until one of his employees will leave a gate open and Sunstone will be trampled by a hoard of vicious kittens. After a long stay in the hospital he will decide to give up on the whole animal thing altogether and open a strip club in Mozambique.