Lorgar-Aurelian
Active Member
I often stop and try to reflect on the things I do, the things I think, and the things I want or intend to do.
It's occurred to me that this whole searching for faith thing goes in a big cycle. Every few months I try to take a crack at it hoping I will find something that will make the meaningless feel meaningful. Thus far I have been completely and totally unsuccessful. Every time I think I've finally found something I can get behind and start feeling less terrible I find myself picking it apart.
I'll think about it all day and all night. I'll get so irritated thinking about all of this that eventually communication breaks down. Where I once was calm and at least trying to be understanding I would suddenly become downright spiteful. I suddenly turn to mocking people rather than listening and I am aware I do this. Any answer from me that would actually be truthful comes with the caveat of smugness or just being a general ***.
I don't generally mean to do this, I just find myself getting so fed up with nothing satisfying me. It's not just religion but it turns into these long periods where I can do little but be miserable. Of course they are not always that long. Sometimes it's a few days other times it's weeks at a time.
There is also the other side to this. Sometimes I will just be so happy I could burst for seemingly no reason. I just wake up feeling good and go to bed feeling pretty good. I do also sometimes manage to find peace in meditation or prayer. At least the attempt of prayer I should say.
Everyone has their ups and downs the simply severity of my ups and downs is what troubles me. I can't remember the last time I was just at peace for more than a day or three. All I want is to come to terms with whatever it Is I'm feeling and relax for a bit without constant cynicism penetrating everything I do. I would like to be able to avoid being so damn negative all the time if I am capable of doing so.
I would also like to apologize for being rude to people. I don't like being rude but sometimes it just kind of comes out. I would delete some of those comments or post in threads but well I did type them out so you know it would feel dishonest if I just deleted them you know?
I do find that I have a certain liking to Buddhism and Zoroastrianism. I'm hoping maybe I can find something there or even in the mystic path.
All I know is I want to find the truth and be happy with it. But it seems like too much to ask.
It's occurred to me that this whole searching for faith thing goes in a big cycle. Every few months I try to take a crack at it hoping I will find something that will make the meaningless feel meaningful. Thus far I have been completely and totally unsuccessful. Every time I think I've finally found something I can get behind and start feeling less terrible I find myself picking it apart.
I'll think about it all day and all night. I'll get so irritated thinking about all of this that eventually communication breaks down. Where I once was calm and at least trying to be understanding I would suddenly become downright spiteful. I suddenly turn to mocking people rather than listening and I am aware I do this. Any answer from me that would actually be truthful comes with the caveat of smugness or just being a general ***.
I don't generally mean to do this, I just find myself getting so fed up with nothing satisfying me. It's not just religion but it turns into these long periods where I can do little but be miserable. Of course they are not always that long. Sometimes it's a few days other times it's weeks at a time.
There is also the other side to this. Sometimes I will just be so happy I could burst for seemingly no reason. I just wake up feeling good and go to bed feeling pretty good. I do also sometimes manage to find peace in meditation or prayer. At least the attempt of prayer I should say.
Everyone has their ups and downs the simply severity of my ups and downs is what troubles me. I can't remember the last time I was just at peace for more than a day or three. All I want is to come to terms with whatever it Is I'm feeling and relax for a bit without constant cynicism penetrating everything I do. I would like to be able to avoid being so damn negative all the time if I am capable of doing so.
I would also like to apologize for being rude to people. I don't like being rude but sometimes it just kind of comes out. I would delete some of those comments or post in threads but well I did type them out so you know it would feel dishonest if I just deleted them you know?
I do find that I have a certain liking to Buddhism and Zoroastrianism. I'm hoping maybe I can find something there or even in the mystic path.
All I know is I want to find the truth and be happy with it. But it seems like too much to ask.
