A cry for help.

[Stick of Joseph]

I recently met a girl. I began to hang around her more often and we became friends. Then later we became boyfriend and girlfriend. I loved being around her and she loved being around me. I was the happiest I had ever been. She told me that she was the same religion as I and that she believed in God.
As we became more comfortable around eachother she began telling me her life plans. She eventually revealed to me that she never wants to marry anyone and would never ever have a child. These words hit me pretty hard and I was very concerned for her. I never had intentions of Marrying this girl, and she did not want to marry me(I am 18 and still in high school). I still cared about the things that would happen to her though. She didnt stop there. She eventually she had sexual relations with a boy and didn't regret her decision. When I told her my opinions on these things she got angry and basically told me its her life. I care for still and she fills the same about me. I cant see her the same way though anymore. I have come home the last few nights and been extremely sad. Its affecting my work, my school, and my attitude towards everyone in my family. I cant tell anyone in my family because they think I am dating a pure girl with values that are the same as mine. I am a loss of what to do for this girl to help her. I also need help for myself. I have tried to deal with this myself and so far I am only getting worse.

If anyone could help me with this problem I would be very appreciative.

 

[jonny]

Love isn't enough for a good relationship. You also need to have common values and goals. I would go and speak with your bishop - ask for his advice on what you should do. When I look back at where I was and what I wanted at 18 I am amazed at how much things have changed. This isn't the end of the world and you will probably 'get' to go through many more fun relationship experiences before you die.

Good luck!

 

[The Black Whirlwind]

hmmm, i would say trust in the Force. it has a plan for us all. This also might help:

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust in me" Paul something or another.

 

[Stick of Joseph]

I know this isnt the end of the world, and that all life is not ending because some girl has made some bad choices. My problem is, is that I want to help her and I feel sad that she is making these choices. I am sad seeing where her choices will lead her. I know this sounds just like a teenage whining but i still need some council. I am going out to serve god for 2 years by bringing people to his gospel in 8 months, but I feel like I cant even bring the ones closest to me to God.

 

[Jaymes]

You can't help her unless she wants to help herself... you can't force someone to get better. It seems the best you could do in this situation would be to be there and support her. Keep in mind that you don't have to rush anything. A few years of being beside her and not pushing your faith on her might help more than insisting what she is doing is sinful and that she has to change Right Now.

 

[Feathers in Hair]

Please don't worry about 'whining'. All you're doing is sharing your concern with us, and I hope there's no one here that wouldn't respect that.

 

[Scuba Pete]

It's better to find out those incompatibilities NOW than after you really got serious.

Views on child bearing change with time and hormones. Not always, but there are many girls who do not want kids until the turn into a lady.

As for it being "her life"... she's 100% right. Not all advice is warranted or appreciated.

 

[jonny]

Something that you will learn as a missionary is that as hard as you want to help people, they still have their free agency to make their own decisions. It can be very depressing to develop close relationships with people, see the problems in their lives, and have no power to make them change. One thing I quickly learned is that you will not be able to help people when you are pushing them away. Arguing pushes people away. Love and charity brings people closer.

People have to want to change. In order to want to change they have to decide that what they are doing is wrong. Your friend isn't at this point yet. You can help your friend by staying her friend, but since you are preparing for a mission I wouldn't recommend dating her.

You have no control over her actions, but you do have control over your actions. Pray and fast for her. Call the temple and ask them to put her name on the prayer rolls. Be an example of righteousness to her. Bear your testimony to her. Don't give up on her. Be her friend. Encourage her to go and speak with her parents and her bishop about the situation. This can be difficult, but the power of the atonement is real.

 

[Stick of Joseph]

I feel a sense of urgency though because I am leaving in a few months and she is moving to califorinia within a year and a half. I dont want to really push religion on her, but I want her to make choices that will make her have long term happiness not just a because it feels good fealing. I have many other friends who have things happening to them that will eventually hurt them. I know I cant solve thier problems but I cant help but care. I suppose my question is, how do I help people become stronger and happier without telling them to thier face how too.

 

[Stick of Joseph]

Thank you jonny, I found some pretty good advice in that last post. I wish people could just feel the happiness that I feel. When I cant get people to accept my advice because it is too hard, or just doesn't make sense i get a little to pushy. I want my friends to feel the relief I feel when I choose right over wrong. I will start praying for all of them. I try to be the best example I can, but sometimes I feel like I am not making a difference. She still has a lot of time to learn from her mistakes and I have much more hope now. Thankyou

 

[Jayhawker Soule]

Some of the happiest, most productive people in the world made 'bad' decisions in their late teens. I doubt that she's broken, so perhaps it's not approriate to want so bad / try so hard to fix her.

 

[Snowbear]

Views on child bearing change with time and hormones. Not always, but there are many girls who do not want kids until the turn into a lady.

Of course, some of us never turn into a "lady"... I never wanted kids and it turns out that was a good thing... 'cause I never had them and now I can't. I'm thankful that of all the huge regrets I have, that's not one of them.

Doc's right that a lot of girls change their minds on this as the ol' bioclock ticks away... but if having children is the most important thing to you, your partner needs to be in agreement. This is the kind of decision no-one should ever make for someone else. No woman (or man) should be talked into being a parent. What if it turns out she cannot have them? would you love her less?

If the most important part of the relationship is the partnership, whether the kids come or they don't, you will still have the relationship/partnership.

If it's so important to you that children are a result of the relationship, you had better make sure she's on the same page as well as you should both get fertility workups done before you make the Big Commitment...

 

[kreeden]

I agree with Jonny . But of course , I would have said something stupid like " You can lead a horse to water , but if you force it to drink , you may drown it ".

It isn't easy to watch a friend make what appears to be mistakes . But it is a part of growing . My advice would be to talk to her , try to understand her and her reasons . You may be able to help , or not . But understanding could help you too .

 

[Valjean]

I was under the impression that the LDSs believed it was a religious duty to have as many kids as they could afford. Was she being honest when she told you she was a Saint?

 

[jonny]

Thank you jonny, I found some pretty good advice in that last post. I wish people could just feel the happiness that I feel. When I cant get people to accept my advice because it is too hard, or just doesn't make sense i get a little to pushy. I want my friends to feel the relief I feel when I choose right over wrong. I will start praying for all of them. I try to be the best example I can, but sometimes I feel like I am not making a difference. She still has a lot of time to learn from her mistakes and I have much more hope now. Thankyou

I felt the same way when I was your age. I remember sitting in the temple while I was in the MTC and wishing that a few friends in particular could feel the joy that I feel.

Last month I received an email from a friend I hadn't heard from in over 8 years. She had recently joined the church and was sealed to her family in the temple. She was one of the friends I had been thinking about 8 years earlier. Being an example to people can make a difference.

Sometimes people have to hit the bottom before they start heading back up again. All you can do is keep praying and stay in contact for when she needs help coming back.

 

[Original Freak]

I don't want to cause trouble...but I don't see what she needs help with?

 

[Apotheosis]

Did you read the earlier posts? Reason I ask, is that as Stick of Joseph being a good LDS member, believes his friend is making some wrong decisions. And he wants to somehow convince her that they are indeed wrong, in order to help her out.

 

[Aqualung]

jonny - I have to thank you as well. The advice you gave stick of joseph is good advise for me too. Although I'm not going through quite the same thing, it's a good thing to remember that you can't help everybody, because they do have free agency.

I wish people could just feel the happiness that I feel

That's how I feel, too. Like why are my parents so mad that this religion makes me happy? Yet, as jonny mentioned, no matter how hard I try to convince them, they don't want the help. It hurts, but that's how life is, and I can still enjoy their company,

 

[Original Freak]

Did you read the earlier posts? Reason I ask, is that as Stick of Joseph being a good LDS member, believes his friend is making some wrong decisions. And he wants to somehow convince her that they are indeed wrong, in order to help her out.

but she doesn't seem to think she's making a mistake at all and I don't see that she's hurting anyone, including herself. So basically it's 'I think your acting wrong, so please change.' I don't mean this rudely at all, but in some cases perhaps it's best to let people choose their own path, make their own mistakes, find/loose their own way, and keep an open mind.

 

[Apotheosis]

Oh I agree with you, I was just attempting to show you his point of view.