I've been finding myself angry and frustrated these last couple of days. I'm trying to be open minded and question every thing from every angle, yet keep finding myself held back by those pre-programmed Christian understandings of God. I'm trying to think of God in a new way, not form a new opinion, but rather see a new perspective. My current beliefs have been of God as an independent entity, outside of and bigger than myself, so complex that I'm incapable of understanding Him, or perhaps so simple that my mind overworks what He is. Does this representation of God, as an all-powerful, controlling parental figure make sense to me? Do I find this a comfort and that is why I am having a hard time setting this aside, even just momentarily to enlighten myself in a new way? Is it just that my brain has been trained for so long in one narrow view that it's like an addiction - coming off of that high of a belief is scary and makes me cling right back? Would viewing God on a more personal level sit better?
The last time that I attempted a relationship with God through prayer was 2008. My beloved dog had a recurring and strange lump the size of a softball, on his side right behind the forearm pit. It was filled with fluid and blood and within a day or two of drainage and compressed wraps, it would return. This dog was my baby, he was my first companion when I moved away from home, my closest friend in times of struggle, a source of unconditional love and commitment that never judged me no matter what, and the thought of not having him was barely fathomable. I had turned away from all spirituality at that time, having been frustrated and discouraged while seeking a few years prior, and like many in that last desperate attempt, I tried prayer. I never bargained with God, "spare my dog and I'll do _________," the way that I prayed was very much like me having a conversation with God, one on one, like you would have a discussion with a friend when in dispair. The talking turned into pleading. Needless to say, it was not a happy ending and almost 2 years later, I'm not yet healed from my loss.
For close to ten months after, each night before I went to bed, I tried to continue to pray to God and "understand" that there was a "purpose" for what had happened - and I also communicated with my dog, reminding him that I love him, am thankful for the time we had, and I hope he is around me always until we were reunited. The prayer never got me anywhere - but talking with my dog did give me comfort. I stopped talking to God around then. I received no signs of his presence, had no intuitive "He's listening" like so many others claimed to have experienced and was jealous and discouraged again, feeling like I had wasted my breath and anguish. I admit that I continued to (and still do occassionally
) talk to my dog - telling him I miss him, that I still feel guilt over what happened, that I didn't try hard enough or fight longer, and am all around sorry.
After a few days of not praying, I started to question if I had been praying wrong - like because I hadn't started off with a proper Biblical ritual or something, that I was being ignored until I got it right. Then I started to question whether the God I had been taught to trust in, even existed, perhaps God was God but as something else entirely and not a higher, controlling mind-spirit type of being, a similar question to what I'm now trying to contemplate.
As I've been reflecting back on that situation trying to find some insight into myself, the one thing that seems to be important to me is an afterlife of some sort, that allows me to be to be me, as I know myself now, and reunite with loved ones as I have known them in this lifetime - human and animal. This may be why I have a hard time accepting reincarnation - that once my cycle ends, the individuals that I've known and loved won't be how I knew them and have longed to see them again, and I won't be as I am now either. That depresses me. It makes me uneasy. I can accept that perhaps that's the way it is, but right now, I'm hoping for something more literal and immediate after death, I suppose.
So where does that put me? I want a God that is loving, protecting, understanding - that let's me know He's with me in those crucial moments of feeling alone and needing an uplift, hope, a reality check - anything as long as it's communication. Blind faith isn't enough for me, I'm just not that strong yet. Someday maybe I'll be able to accept that again, as I did as a child, but for now - no - I need more. Maybe that God is
in myself,
is myself...I do not know and hope to find out.