Orias
Left Hand Path
This probably isn't the right place, but I'm not so caring right now.
My life is not so hard. Day in, day out, I just sit there. I sleep most of my days away, and spend the remainder smoking and getting drunk. I know, I'm so very tough behind this dark red color.
But while all of this is going on, I let those around me, live for me. I don't work, and I don't want to. I need to fight, in the cage. But as far as that is concerned, its a pipe dream. I realize this, and everyone else around me realizes this. Which is why no one supports me, and one wants too. There are but few who think I am actually capable, and those that do have no means of helping me achieve my goal besides a psychological boost. But here and now, thats not what I need.
Its not a pipe dream because its not achievable, its a pipe dream because it was more achievable back then, than it is now. I've crippled my lungs, my heart...I've crippled myself. Not to mention, every teenager either wants to be in a band or fight in the ring. What separates me from others? I've been told my whole life, I'm too smart for my own good. But I don't buy that anymore, thats just a nice way of calling one a slouch, its just a nice way of calling someone unproductive.
Years of abuse, self abuse, abusing my gifts, physically and mentally. I am slowly degenerating, as if I was never one in the first place. I am finding myself in a hole, using those around me to keep my head above the dirt. But I can smell what lies below, and its growing ever stronger.
Just a little about me, I'm showing my weak side. I've never had killer instinct, or so my dad has always said throughout my years of competition. I just never really wanted to be there, but now that I do is it too late?
I feel like I have to prove something, even if others don't think I have too, its important for me. But what am I proving here? Nothing, just talk. Like I'm used too.
I'm stressed, depressed, and hanging by a thread. But just being is simply not good enough for me, maybe its because I feel I posses more than being, or maybe I'm just too stuck up to see the world in front of me.
I'm not sure...I'm just not sure anymore. But I will never give up, even if the time comes to jump in the boat by myself, I'll drown achieving my goal.
But this goal is just that, I'm no where close to reaching it, and I'll drown in this boat before I can make it to the next.
Purpose is here, meaning is exchanged in places like this.
Am I asking for too much? I have the skills, but I don't have the means, I have the desire, but I have no drive. As a kid, I wasn't left with much, my dad never payed bills so I had no electricity for the most part. Just my imagination, and heavy bag.
I'm trapped within myself, wanting to get out. Wanting to reach, and use these belts that took me a life time of work to achieve.
My life is easy, yet I struggle to see what I'm doing around me, as helpful to anyone or anything. I am a drain upon society, a heavy weight full of empty thoughts for wishful thinkers.
This understanding I have does me no good, as all it does it hold me back from achieving heavily desired goals. Goals that if given the chance, I would absolutely drop whatever I'm doing, to go and do.
But no one would buy it anymore, I wouldn't last more than a round, less I got lucky. But fighters aren't judged by how dangerous they are, but how well they survive in the face of danger. I've grown weak, almost helpless, to the point where my survival depends on others. And it frustrates me more than anything.
Gah, this eyesore is concluded.
My life is not so hard. Day in, day out, I just sit there. I sleep most of my days away, and spend the remainder smoking and getting drunk. I know, I'm so very tough behind this dark red color.
But while all of this is going on, I let those around me, live for me. I don't work, and I don't want to. I need to fight, in the cage. But as far as that is concerned, its a pipe dream. I realize this, and everyone else around me realizes this. Which is why no one supports me, and one wants too. There are but few who think I am actually capable, and those that do have no means of helping me achieve my goal besides a psychological boost. But here and now, thats not what I need.
Its not a pipe dream because its not achievable, its a pipe dream because it was more achievable back then, than it is now. I've crippled my lungs, my heart...I've crippled myself. Not to mention, every teenager either wants to be in a band or fight in the ring. What separates me from others? I've been told my whole life, I'm too smart for my own good. But I don't buy that anymore, thats just a nice way of calling one a slouch, its just a nice way of calling someone unproductive.
Years of abuse, self abuse, abusing my gifts, physically and mentally. I am slowly degenerating, as if I was never one in the first place. I am finding myself in a hole, using those around me to keep my head above the dirt. But I can smell what lies below, and its growing ever stronger.
Just a little about me, I'm showing my weak side. I've never had killer instinct, or so my dad has always said throughout my years of competition. I just never really wanted to be there, but now that I do is it too late?
I feel like I have to prove something, even if others don't think I have too, its important for me. But what am I proving here? Nothing, just talk. Like I'm used too.
I'm stressed, depressed, and hanging by a thread. But just being is simply not good enough for me, maybe its because I feel I posses more than being, or maybe I'm just too stuck up to see the world in front of me.
I'm not sure...I'm just not sure anymore. But I will never give up, even if the time comes to jump in the boat by myself, I'll drown achieving my goal.
But this goal is just that, I'm no where close to reaching it, and I'll drown in this boat before I can make it to the next.
Purpose is here, meaning is exchanged in places like this.
Am I asking for too much? I have the skills, but I don't have the means, I have the desire, but I have no drive. As a kid, I wasn't left with much, my dad never payed bills so I had no electricity for the most part. Just my imagination, and heavy bag.
I'm trapped within myself, wanting to get out. Wanting to reach, and use these belts that took me a life time of work to achieve.
My life is easy, yet I struggle to see what I'm doing around me, as helpful to anyone or anything. I am a drain upon society, a heavy weight full of empty thoughts for wishful thinkers.
This understanding I have does me no good, as all it does it hold me back from achieving heavily desired goals. Goals that if given the chance, I would absolutely drop whatever I'm doing, to go and do.
But no one would buy it anymore, I wouldn't last more than a round, less I got lucky. But fighters aren't judged by how dangerous they are, but how well they survive in the face of danger. I've grown weak, almost helpless, to the point where my survival depends on others. And it frustrates me more than anything.
Gah, this eyesore is concluded.
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