Am I a good man?

[Kori]

Lately I have been having issues regarding a woman that I love that does not love me back. I have helped her, I have even got into trouble for her by defending her. Now I am asking her to come over to my place to send some time with me and take a break from the stress in her life. The issue is lately I have been wondering if she is using me. Someone warned me of this early on. I didn't believe that person. She has 8 kids but is now a born again Christian or something like one. She has come from a bad relationship from one of the three baby's fathers and I am trying to give her time because I know what it is like to come from a bad relationship. However with all of this I am not pressuring her to come over, I am not reminding or pointing out what I have done for her to influence her choice. Part of the reason I haven't given up, for those who do not know, I haven't had a girlfriend in 10+ years. Betrayal, bad luck, and shyness have played into this. But I am not as shy as I once was though. For those who read my posts and have some idea of who I am I must ask: Am I a good man? Or am I a naive and desperate man? I'm sorry if there is a lack of information. I do not want to mention too much about her business because we have had intertwining life issues recently. Part of me knows I am asking to be blasted on this thread but my struggle with this issue is also a feeling I do not want. So have at it.

 

[Kori]

No , you aren't.

Well done.

 

[LuisDantas]

Going by the OP alone, you seem to be invested emotionally on her behavior to a considerable degree.

It feels like the pressure is already there on you both, even if you would rather not have it.

That is probably one of the early things worth addressing between you both, otherwise the situation will become awkward very quickly IMO.

 

[Kori]

Going by the OP alone, you seem to be invested emotionally on her behavior to a considerable degree.

It feels like the pressure is already there on you both, even if you would rather not have it.

That is probably one of the early things worth addressing between you both, otherwise the situation will become awkward very quickly IMO.

What is IMO? The two reasons I am not giving up are: 1. I do not give up easily. When you give up you fail. 2. I feel I can talk to her about anything. I can be open about how I feel. I couldn't even do that with my traitor father. Nor with therapists. I can talk to her about ANYTHING. That is meaningful.

 

[LuisDantas]

What is IMO?

In My Opinion.

The two reasons I am not giving up are: 1. I do not give up easily. When you give up you fail.

Is this a success-or-failure situation, though? Maybe it is. It is just not clear to me.

2. I feel I can talk to her about anything. I can be open about how I feel. I couldn't even do that with my traitor father. Nor with therapists. I can talk to her about ANYTHING. That is meaningful.

Indeed. But in that case, one would expect a common understanding to come easily, quickly and without stress. So this thread would not be necessary at all.

Or to put it another way: why are you asking for other people's opinions (people at a considerable distance no less) instead of talking to her?

 

[Kori]

Or to put it another way: why are you asking for other people's opinions (people at a considerable distance no less) instead of talking to her?

She is in a mental hospital...again. That is how we met. then we lived together in a place that was a bizarre mix of a half-way house and a mental hospital. I talked to her today and these feelings came back. Before I met her for like 1-2 years I was a hermit. I rarely left the house and I didn't have the internet. In fact until a little while before I joined this forum I hadn't been in the internet for like 8+ years. I got sick of it, but not enough to stay away for good.

 

[Kori]

Are you trying to ''use'' this person? That makes you not a good man. Especially in this instance.

Never. In fact she wanted to drink wine with me and I reminded her about the altering of judgement and I didn't want anything to happen that she might regret. I even added in that my judgement would be altered as well and though sober I would say no, but tipsy or drunk I wasn't sure what I would say or accept. I really stressed that to her. Most guys would not. We drank and nothing happened.

 

[LuisDantas]

Best of luck, @Kori .

I truly hope you make the best possible decisions. But I fear an internet forum will be of very little help in what is so clearly a meaningful personal issue.

If you care at all for my advice (and frankly, it is entirely your call), I still feel that there is way too much pressure on you both for anyone's good, and if you care so much about her decisions than addressing that pressure should be a very high priority.

 

[Sunstone]

Kori, do you feel she appreciates you?

 

[Rick O'Shez]

Lately I have been having issues regarding a woman that I love that does not love me back.

That non-reciprocation sounds frustrating. Is it likely to change, do you think?

 

[Kori]

Best of luck, @Kori .

I truly hope you make the best possible decisions. But I fear an internet forum will be of very little help in what is so clearly a meaningful personal issue.

If you care at all for my advice (and frankly, it is entirely your call), I still feel that there is way too much pressure on you both for anyone's good, and if you care so much about her decisions than addressing that pressure should be a very high priority.

My plan is to help her. Even if it's a temporary distraction from her life issues that is fine. As far as the internet help...well I have no one else. No family, nor friends(except her) I have no one.

Kori, do you feel she appreciates you?

I do not know. I think so. She has helped me a little. But I do not know.

That non-reciprocation sounds frustrating. Is it likely to change, do you think?

I don't know. I am trying to make it change by showing her I do care for her and I do love her. I realized I loved her when her own councilor was harassing her in a therapy group and kicked her out and I walked out too in protest.

 

[Thana]

Lately I have been having issues regarding a woman that I love that does not love me back. I have helped her, I have even got into trouble for her by defending her. Now I am asking her to come over to my place to send some time with me and take a break from the stress in her life. The issue is lately I have been wondering if she is using me. Someone warned me of this early on. I didn't believe that person. She has 8 kids but is now a born again Christian or something like one. She has come from a bad relationship from one of the three baby's fathers and I am trying to give her time because I know what it is like to come from a bad relationship. However with all of this I am not pressuring her to come over, I am not reminding or pointing out what I have done for her to influence her choice. Part of the reason I haven't given up, for those who do not know, I haven't had a girlfriend in 10+ years. Betrayal, bad luck, and shyness have played into this. But I am not as shy as I once was though. For those who read my posts and have some idea of who I am I must ask: Am I a good man? Or am I a naive and desperate man? I'm sorry if there is a lack of information. I do not want to mention too much about her business because we have had intertwining life issues recently. Part of me knows I am asking to be blasted on this thread but my struggle with this issue is also a feeling I do not want. So have at it.

Honestly... I think what that woman needs is a friend, not another lover.
So be honest with yourself. What do you want more, to be her friend or to be her lover? If you want to be her friend more, than accept that is all you are to each other and move on. If you want to be her lover more than tell her and let her decide where your relationship goes.

However since you said you know she does not love you back, then I'm honestly questioning whether you are a good man since you clearly have expectations of her. You said you know she's going through a rough time, but your mind isn't on helping her through it as a friend, your mind is on getting her back to your place without seeming like you're trying to hard.

So, like I said, be honest with yourself. There's nothing wrong with being horny, being desperate or being lonely. The only problem is how lying to yourself can skew your perspective and colour your life and influence your relationships.

 

[Wherenextcolumbus]

I'm not really sure what you are asking...
Are you asking if we think she should love you back because you've been a decent friend or????

 

[Sees]

To be blunt and go out on a limb....I would mentally step outside thr loop and evaluate as a bystander - see if things seem to say keep looking as far as potential girlfriend/wife. Many men have the "Capt. Save a ___" instinct - but it's not worth it when most look back at the outcome. A lot of folks waste much time and emotional investment on others who are addicted to a life of stupidity and repeated mistakes.

Disregard if it doesn't seem to apply

 

[Kori]

Honestly... I think what that woman needs is a friend, not another lover.
So be honest with yourself. What do you want more, to be her friend or to be her lover? If you want to be her friend more, than accept that is all you are to each other and move on. If you want to be her lover more than tell her and let her decide where your relationship goes.

However since you said you know she does not love you back, then I'm honestly questioning whether you are a good man since you clearly have expectations of her. You said you know she's going through a rough time, but your mind isn't on helping her through it as a friend, your mind is on getting her back to your place without seeming like you're trying to hard.

So, like I said, be honest with yourself. There's nothing wrong with being horny, being desperate or being lonely. The only problem is how lying to yourself can skew your perspective and colour your life and influence your relationships.

When talking to about being in a relationship I used words like 'if'. If you want to date. If you want to be boyfriend and girlfriend. I give her space but I remind her here and there that I haven't lost interest. I am not aggressive in my love for her. I am there for her. If she never loves me then I will be disappointed but not crushed.

I want her to come over to give her a break from her problems. I am not expecting anything grand. If something happens fine if not fine.

Trust me when I say I am not lying to myself. I have been through too many disappointing situations in regards to romance to know that this effort, if you can even call it an effort, may end with me and her never dating.

To be blunt and go out on a limb....I would mentally step outside thr loop and evaluate as a bystander - see if things seem to say keep looking as far as potential girlfriend/wife. Many men have the "Capt. Save a ___" instinct - but it's not worth it when most look back at the outcome. A lot of folks waste much time and emotional investment on others who are addicted to a life of stupidity and repeated mistakes.

Disregard if it doesn't seem to apply

This isn't just a response to @Sees but in general.

http://thenorsegods.com/odin-and-billings-daughter/

 

[Thana]

When talking to about being in a relationship I used words like 'if'. If you want to date. If you want to be boyfriend and girlfriend. I give her space but I remind her here and there that I haven't lost interest. I am not aggressive in my love for her. I am there for her. If she never loves me then I will be disappointed but not crushed.

I want her to come over to give her a break from her problems. I am not expecting anything grand. If something happens fine if not fine.

Trust me when I say I am not lying to myself. I have been through too many disappointing situations in regards to romance to know that this effort, if you can even call it an effort, may end with me and her never dating.

So she knows how you feel and hasn't taken you up on it?
I think that kind of answers your questions then.

Also, the worst thing you can do is remind her of your feelings. It's awkward and pushy.

If I were you, I'd have cut my losses a long time ago. But I think the reason why you don't is because you love the idea of being with her more than you actually are in love with her. But I don't know you well enough to say that with any conviction, only you can know whether or not that's true.

Best of luck mate.

 

[Kori]

So she knows how you feel and hasn't taken you up on it?
I think that kind of answers your questions then.

Also, the worst thing you can do is remind her of your feelings. It's awkward and pushy.

If I were you, I'd have cut my losses a long time ago. But I think the reason why you don't is because you love the idea of being with her more than you actually are in love with her. But I don't know you well enough to say that with any conviction, only you can know whether or not that's true.

Best of luck mate.

I wish, during the 7+ years of not even wanting to date, I had a woman that loved me but accepted that I didn't want to date but never gave up on me. If that was the case me not wanting to date may not have lasted 7+ years. I may have woken up and realized that dismissing the idea of having a girlfriend that long was wrong. Like I do now. I made a horrible mistake. I am letting her know I am someone she can be with. She has not said yes but she hasn't dismissed me or told me to leave her alone. She is thinking about it. She has not said no. She is just cautious.

 

[Deidre]

I would just maintain a friendship. She doesn't seem like she is capable of a healthy relationship, tbh. I understand that you feel strongly for her, but you might need to think with your head more than your heart on this one.

 

[Kori]

think with your head more than your heart on this one.

Can't I do both?

 

[Deidre]

Can't I do both?

You can, but my concern for you is that she doesn't seem to be capable of healthy relationships. Don't feel the need to 'rescue' someone from themselves. She needs to rescue herself. Everyone makes mistakes, we all do. But, she sounds like she jumps from man to man to man to man...looking for someone new to define her. That's how I see it. Take it from me, a former serial dater.