SearchingForGod
Member
It's been what feels like a very long time since I last tried associating with any religion. The last time I tried, something in my head freaked out and I was changing religious opinions every week if not every day. It was a tiresome time to be in and yet here I am a few months later, more simmered down and wiser than I was before. I think the reason I was freaking out that way was because I had unfinished business to attend to with regards to breaking it off completely with Islam yet here I was already trying to join something else. Anything else.
But yeah... now I've come to terms with the fact that Islam just isn't for me and will never be for me anymore like it was before. I'll still cherish it as the religion that I was raised with, but I can't lie to myself anymore by trying to go back and replicate what was there in the past. I don't hold those beliefs anymore, and that's just that.
Moving on, after giving myself that space, I took another look at Reform Judaism and attended another service at the synagogue. What I found is that my heart ached at being away from my local Jewish community for so long. And everyone missed me too, which moved me as I think of myself as a rather forgettable person (shout out to my moderately low self esteem!). So, I've made the decision to study with my rabbi again and this time I intend to stick with my studies with him, for however long it will take.
In the meantime, I've taken to listening to Jewish music and trying to immerse myself within the culture. What I found was that this time, I have an even greater appreciation for Jewish culture and music than I did before. Before, it all seemed very foreign to me and I wondered if I could ever really take on the culture as my own. But now I'm thinking that it feels more like home than before. And this time I'm properly medicated, so I know it's not just the bipolar talking.
Oh, and another thing that I did was send a cleverly written letter to my anti-semetic mother, letting her know that I've left Islam and that I've been on a faith search for the past few years now. Then I talked about how Judaism is my favorite religion (with Buddhism being a close second) and all of the good things that I have learned about it. I never explicitly told her that I was trying to become Jewish, but I did drop a few "G-d" spellings in there to give her the hint. At some point I'll have to tell her the truth, so I'm prepping her with this letter. I'm half expecting her to send me a letter back telling me I'm disowned. Then again, she could also try to threaten me or she could send me some anti-semetic propaganda. Honestly, I don't know. I just hope that she writes back at all to tell me what she thinks, because the longer she's silent, the more I'll be nervous. That's because there's a small chance that she could actually try to threaten my safety. She's not well sometimes and can get violent. But I'm not afraid of her. Not really. I've seen more threatening people than her, plus I know I can handle myself if she ever tries to attack me.
But yeah... that's where I'm at these days. I'd like to thank the people on this forum for putting up with all of my shenanigans over this past year. I'm sure it's been a wild and confusing ride for anyone who has followed my posts, but it just was what it was, you know what I mean? Anyways, I hope things can be more stable with me this time around. I'd hate to be in the position I was in last time where I was having trouble picking a religion that fit me best. Here's to hoping.
But yeah... now I've come to terms with the fact that Islam just isn't for me and will never be for me anymore like it was before. I'll still cherish it as the religion that I was raised with, but I can't lie to myself anymore by trying to go back and replicate what was there in the past. I don't hold those beliefs anymore, and that's just that.
Moving on, after giving myself that space, I took another look at Reform Judaism and attended another service at the synagogue. What I found is that my heart ached at being away from my local Jewish community for so long. And everyone missed me too, which moved me as I think of myself as a rather forgettable person (shout out to my moderately low self esteem!). So, I've made the decision to study with my rabbi again and this time I intend to stick with my studies with him, for however long it will take.
In the meantime, I've taken to listening to Jewish music and trying to immerse myself within the culture. What I found was that this time, I have an even greater appreciation for Jewish culture and music than I did before. Before, it all seemed very foreign to me and I wondered if I could ever really take on the culture as my own. But now I'm thinking that it feels more like home than before. And this time I'm properly medicated, so I know it's not just the bipolar talking.
Oh, and another thing that I did was send a cleverly written letter to my anti-semetic mother, letting her know that I've left Islam and that I've been on a faith search for the past few years now. Then I talked about how Judaism is my favorite religion (with Buddhism being a close second) and all of the good things that I have learned about it. I never explicitly told her that I was trying to become Jewish, but I did drop a few "G-d" spellings in there to give her the hint. At some point I'll have to tell her the truth, so I'm prepping her with this letter. I'm half expecting her to send me a letter back telling me I'm disowned. Then again, she could also try to threaten me or she could send me some anti-semetic propaganda. Honestly, I don't know. I just hope that she writes back at all to tell me what she thinks, because the longer she's silent, the more I'll be nervous. That's because there's a small chance that she could actually try to threaten my safety. She's not well sometimes and can get violent. But I'm not afraid of her. Not really. I've seen more threatening people than her, plus I know I can handle myself if she ever tries to attack me.
But yeah... that's where I'm at these days. I'd like to thank the people on this forum for putting up with all of my shenanigans over this past year. I'm sure it's been a wild and confusing ride for anyone who has followed my posts, but it just was what it was, you know what I mean? Anyways, I hope things can be more stable with me this time around. I'd hate to be in the position I was in last time where I was having trouble picking a religion that fit me best. Here's to hoping.
