Thank you for coming.
I have called this press conference to announce that I am a candidate for the Presidency of America and to ask for the support of all humans who share my belief that the American nation needs to embark on a new, constructive course. I believe my candidacy will be healthy for the nation and lead to a party.
I am running because I have grown increasingly concerned about the course of events in both the United States and in the normal world.
In just a few years, three vital measures of economic decay—idiot politicians, social media posts , and Tucker Carlson's ego —have more than doubled, at times reaching 10 percent growth annually and even more.
Government at all levels now absorbs more than 44 percent of our personal income. It has become more intrusive, more coercive, more meddlesome and less effective, even compared to the crapfest it was during Reagan's time. Our access to cheap and abundant energy has been interrupted by misguided attempts to save a doomed planet at the cost of being able to drive large SUVs, and our dependence on foreign sauces is growing, with hummus being particularly concerning. A decade ago we had military superiority. Today we are in danger of being surpassed by a nation that has never made an effort to hide its hostility to everything we stand for. We ignore Canada at our own risk.
Through détente we have sought peace with our adversaries. We should continue to do so but must make it plain that we expect a stronger indication that they also seek a lasting peace with us.
In my opinion, the root of these problems lies right here—in Washington, D.C. The nation’s capital has become the seat of a “buddy” system that functions for its own benefit—increasingly insensitive to the needs of the American worker who supports it with his taxes. Or her taxes. Or their taxes.
Today it is difficult to find leaders who are independent of the forces that have brought us our problems—the Congress, the bureaucracy, the lobbyist, big business and big labor. However, I represent that independence, mostly since I haven't visited America in almost 40 years, and aren't even legally entitled to run.
If America is to survive and go forward, the current circumstance must change. It will only change when the American people vote for a leadership that better pretends to listen to them, relies on them to ignore laws to elect them and seeks to return government to foreign interests, just like in King George III's time. We need a government that is confident not of what it can do, but of what the people can be persuaded to do despite their own best interests.
In the coming months I will take this message to the American people. I will talk in detail about responsible, responsive government. I will tell the people it is they who should decide how much government they want, and whether that government needs to be legally legitimate or not.
I don’t believe for one moment that four more years of business-as-usual in Washington is the answer to our problems, and I don’t think the American people believe it either.
We, as a people, aren’t happy if we are not moving forward. A nation that is growing and thriving is one which will solve its problems. We must offer progress instead of stagnation; the truth instead of promises; hope and faith instead of defeatism and despair. Then, I am sure, the people will make those decisions which will restore confidence in our way of life and release that energy that is the American spirit.
And by 'American spirit', I don't mean bourbon. At least, not entirely.
Thank-you for your attention.
I'll now take questions.
(Much of this speech has been blatantly plagiarised from Reagan's candidacy announcement in 1975. Made a couple of minor tweaks...)
I have called this press conference to announce that I am a candidate for the Presidency of America and to ask for the support of all humans who share my belief that the American nation needs to embark on a new, constructive course. I believe my candidacy will be healthy for the nation and lead to a party.
I am running because I have grown increasingly concerned about the course of events in both the United States and in the normal world.
In just a few years, three vital measures of economic decay—idiot politicians, social media posts , and Tucker Carlson's ego —have more than doubled, at times reaching 10 percent growth annually and even more.
Government at all levels now absorbs more than 44 percent of our personal income. It has become more intrusive, more coercive, more meddlesome and less effective, even compared to the crapfest it was during Reagan's time. Our access to cheap and abundant energy has been interrupted by misguided attempts to save a doomed planet at the cost of being able to drive large SUVs, and our dependence on foreign sauces is growing, with hummus being particularly concerning. A decade ago we had military superiority. Today we are in danger of being surpassed by a nation that has never made an effort to hide its hostility to everything we stand for. We ignore Canada at our own risk.
Through détente we have sought peace with our adversaries. We should continue to do so but must make it plain that we expect a stronger indication that they also seek a lasting peace with us.
In my opinion, the root of these problems lies right here—in Washington, D.C. The nation’s capital has become the seat of a “buddy” system that functions for its own benefit—increasingly insensitive to the needs of the American worker who supports it with his taxes. Or her taxes. Or their taxes.
Today it is difficult to find leaders who are independent of the forces that have brought us our problems—the Congress, the bureaucracy, the lobbyist, big business and big labor. However, I represent that independence, mostly since I haven't visited America in almost 40 years, and aren't even legally entitled to run.
If America is to survive and go forward, the current circumstance must change. It will only change when the American people vote for a leadership that better pretends to listen to them, relies on them to ignore laws to elect them and seeks to return government to foreign interests, just like in King George III's time. We need a government that is confident not of what it can do, but of what the people can be persuaded to do despite their own best interests.
In the coming months I will take this message to the American people. I will talk in detail about responsible, responsive government. I will tell the people it is they who should decide how much government they want, and whether that government needs to be legally legitimate or not.
I don’t believe for one moment that four more years of business-as-usual in Washington is the answer to our problems, and I don’t think the American people believe it either.
We, as a people, aren’t happy if we are not moving forward. A nation that is growing and thriving is one which will solve its problems. We must offer progress instead of stagnation; the truth instead of promises; hope and faith instead of defeatism and despair. Then, I am sure, the people will make those decisions which will restore confidence in our way of life and release that energy that is the American spirit.
And by 'American spirit', I don't mean bourbon. At least, not entirely.
Thank-you for your attention.
I'll now take questions.
(Much of this speech has been blatantly plagiarised from Reagan's candidacy announcement in 1975. Made a couple of minor tweaks...)
best part
