Secret Chief
Veteran Member
Yes and no.
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Are/were your parents proud of you?
- Thread starter an anarchist
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Kathryn
It was on fire when I laid down on it.
I know exactly what you mean. But I think I grew up not caring what anyone thought about me.
Not that I'm aware of.
Never met my father. My mother never express any interest in me.
Same.
Kathryn
It was on fire when I laid down on it.
And I still don't care. People can talk all they like but most of them don't really care what I do anyway, and I realize that.
I doubt anyone wants to talk about me. I'm boring.
If they do, I encourage it. Whatever they need to do to pass the hours.
Wherenextcolumbus
Well-Known Member
I went no contact with my parents and I don’t care what they think. At first it was hard, I felt like an orphan but I’m much happier right now and it’s a relief not having to deal with them and not feeling any guilt anymore for moving on.
I’d honestly feel at peace if they were 6 feet under (adult children of narcissists, ACONs will understand)
I’m sorry to hear how you have been treated by your dad. It’s not important what he thinks, start believing that
Secret Chief
Veteran Member
Boring people interest me.
Secret Chief
Veteran Member
Ahh, thanks.
Wherenextcolumbus
Well-Known Member
Don’t bother to try and make him proud. I learnt that with people like this, the more you try, the more you give, the more it’s never enough and the greater the draw back to your self esteem. Learn to harden your heart towards certain people and find a way to escape - it’s emotional abuse and it will never get better. Put yourself first
Yes and yes.
I'm also deeply thankful to have a loving, caring family. The older I get and more people I meet, the more I realize how far-reaching the effects of upbringing and family on a person are, and the more I also realize that many families are abusive and unfit to raise children.
Insofar as it makes them happy and content, yes. They have done so much for me. I want to give back in whatever ways I can.
TagliatelliMonster
Veteran Member
Yes.
Although when I quit tennis, and as a result the pursuit of a professional tennis career, at the age of 16/17, my dad was incredibly disappointed and angry. It was something that dominated our lives from 3 years onward. By the age of 16 I realized it wasn't going to happen. I just didn't have the genes required to have a body that could cope with kind of stress and athleticism professional tennis required. I saw "newcomers" reach the semi-finals of Roland Garros at age 17-18 and it was extremely clear that I was nowhere near that level. I was good and perhaps eventually, say by age 22 or something, I might have reached say top 1000 or top 800 on the ATP rankings, but certainly not higher then that. And I would have been a sucker because of it. In prof tennis, you only start to "break even" if you get to top 200 or top 150 or something. It would have been nothing but a money sink.
So I just quite while I still had the opportunity to go to uni and go for a good education instead. Me and my dad didn't speak for 2 or 3 years after that. And we lived in the same house, off course. Fun times.....
Now though, we are 25 years later and I got my own company, a nice house, kids, a wife... He's proud for sure. Of me, of his grandkids...
Although we never really "talked it out", I know that he realizes today that we were fighting a losing war back then. It was never going to happen like we dreamed of it. And I regret nothing. If I could do it all over again, I wouldn't change anything. The "dream" didn't happen, but I did spend my childhood having fun with my dad. That alone was worth it. Sad that we lost those 2-3 years right after though.... But that's just how it went down. Nothing we can do about it now.
Yes.
That sucks man. He does indeed sound like a jerk...
Now that I am a dad myself, I make a very big point of how my kids have to find their own path in life. I will do whatever I can to help them and support them to pursue their interests and hobbies. But it MUST be THEIR interests and hobbies.
The only thing I "demand" is that they HAVE (or FIND) interests and hobbies and what-not.
No lazy couch potato's in my house... Go and DO something. They get to choose whatever their interests are. But they have to choose.
Another thing I insist on is: "if you are going to do something, do it WELL, give it your all".
Be it drums, guitar, piano, fishing, pamfluit, tennis, ping pong, eight ball, gymnastics, jazz dance, line dancing, running, cycling, soccer, painting,......................................
Whatever. Do it well. Do it good. Do it with passion. Give it your all.
Make me proud, but first and foremost: make yourself proud.
What will make me proud is when they manage to be the best version of themselves, whatever that is.
My mother was, even before I gave her any reason to be. I remember visiting her near the end of her life. I reheated her coffee in her microwave. I entered 90, and she commented that she always entered 1:30 for 90 seconds. She was impressed that I did it with one fewer keystrokes.
My father was never unkind to me, and he picked my sister and me up for visitation every other weekend and made child support payments willingly, but he wasn't really interested in us or in raising/teaching us, and never encouraged or complimented ether of us. He was a conservative, and it was from him that I first emulated and the learned to disrespect that orientation. Where Mom, a liberal New York (atheistic) Jew, was bright and articulate, he just was. Was what? Alive.
We had a falling out about 20 years before he died and never spoke again. I had started and underwritten a business in my early thirties and was robbed by my partner, a black man. I remember being on his boat telling him about it and how that guy had embezzled form our business, and while squatting doing some sailing thing. Not surprisingly, I wasn't helping since he never saw fit to teach me sailing or anything else - he turned to me and said, "You went into business with a ******? What were you expecting?"
That was the end. I was a young practicing physician by then and had been renewing meds for him but refused after that. We never heard from one another again.
Cute anecdote about the man. When I went off to university, my father informed me that if I did it right, I'd need a remote control for my zipper. When my sister went off to college, he told her, "If I find out that you're using that thing for anything except to **** out of, I'm coming after you."
My mother's love mattered to me then and now, although she's been gone for a decade.
My father didn't play a role in my life after my early teenaged years. He originally had me speaking like him. Though I ended up a major Deadhead, when my friends first mentioned the name of Jerry Garcia, I thought he was Mexican (his father was Spanish) and asked why would I listen to a "******"? They eventually straightened me out by letting me know that such words and thoughts were unacceptable.
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VoidCat
Use any and all pronouns including neo and it/it's
I think all the people who have raised me aside from my foster parent and my uncle are proud of me. My bio dad included. I dont think my uncle is but i dont care fir his opinion I want him as far away from me as possible for my safety. My foster parent I cut contact with i have no clue her opinion it don't matter to me cuz i purposely cut contact she dont know me. The ones that are proud of me matter cuz helps me with self esteem.
Truthseeker
Non-debating member when I can help myself
Did you know a mother?
VoidCat
Use any and all pronouns including neo and it/it's
Ah i forgot to include my mom. I don't know her opinion. We hardly talk. I get the vibe she doesn't know what to make of me.
Edit: i last saw her when i was 9 I think. I can talk to her on the phone thats recently started since I was 18 i talk on the phone with her and she has talked about wanting to visit me but we hardly talk she never reaches out to me first.
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Truthseeker
Non-debating member when I can help myself
I know the feeling of perceiving people not knowing what to make of me. The same was true of our local Baha'i community not knowing what to do with our autistic son.
VoidCat
Use any and all pronouns including neo and it/it's
@Truthseeker
Thinking on it it was probably last year the last time she talked of visiting. And several months since we last talked on the phone. She's probably talked on the phone like 5 times with me since i was 18. I purposely dont reach out anymore. I feel it's on her to contact me not the other way around. She birthed me didn't raise me. That's ok not everyone can parent I understand. But she never was there. Never tried talking to me after age 9 even on the phone except a few times when I was 14 where she hung up on me the last time despite me calling tons of times after that and didn't visit. Not until i was back in contact as an adult.
So no. It should not be on me to try for a relationship as an adult. I reached out I may do so again sometime. But I am not going to be the one intitating all the phone calls. She could at least call me once without me prompting.