I posted this in my journal today, to get these feelings out somewhere...and thought I'd ask a more pointed question here, as I'd truly like to get some guidance/support/enlightenment, into how I've been feeling, lately.
As an atheist, I don't really pray per se, anymore...although, I sometimes will utter...''God, if you are really there, will you help me? Will you take this pain away that I'm feeling? Will you protect me from those who wish to harm me? Will you help my unbelief?''
I was surprised to pray the last sentence the other day...but I did. It seemed to just fall out of my mouth, as I audibly said it.
Does he hear me? Is he angry with me? Is he there at all? Is my grandmother in a place called heaven? I feel overwhelmed today with these thoughts swirling around in my mind, and wish there were definitive answers. So, I just wanted to vent this today...in hopes that it clears my own mind a bit, but to share the experience with those who might be struggling through some of the very same questions.
I can't help but wonder if after all of those years as a child being indoctrinated into the Christian faith...if I somehow can't see life without the light of theism shining upon it.
If this is the case...does this make one a lukewarm atheist or theist?
According to the Bible, being 'lukewarm' is a precarious place to remain. How did I go from being confident in my atheism, to doubting it?
I wanted to say I understand how you feel. I'm an atheist by technicality. I don't believe in a divine entity. I feel people are personifying the
mystery of life so they can identify with it by love of being alive through the eyes of their cultural beliefs and practices, preferences in morals, guidance from a person, a text, and/or oneself.
This is my opinion only; please don't take it to heart: When an atheist calls out "God help me. Are you there?" I believe it's a natural human reaction any person would say during difficult times (as what you and I are going through with our grandmothers) and by talking out loud and asking for help. When it's hard to find inner help outside oneself--family, friends, strangers--our natural inclination is to go to that "final stage" of mercy and help.
It is like a man in a desert alone. Say he is an atheist. He has tried everything to find water and food, but has not succeeded. In the end, he calls out "HELP!" Not because he believes in God. It's because it is his natural
outer expression for help. Normally, when we ask for help, it is usually to someone. So that's another natural inclination is to ask
someone (even if they do not exist) for help because that is their last resort.
It's a survival technique and psychological is what I'm getting at.
Long story short: Unless you
actually believe that God exists, what you are doing is going through a stage of "calling for mercy". Usually people ask for help from other people. Since God is an entity/person, He is all powerful, and all that, to someone at the break of mercy would go to that person before anyone else.
That doesn't make the atheist a theist. Just in a crisis situation, the too need someone to lean on. Since your upbringing is the Christian faith, that is why that may seem comfortable to you. It isn't wrong.
Regardless of how you pray and who..the general definition of atheist (going by grammar) is lack of belief in deities. Prayer doesn't make a deity exist more than anything else. It is mainly about you.
I encourage you to pray more, though. If you find solace in praying to God, that is between you and God. Only
you know how "He" is communicating with you (maybe by sign, by thought, by having a good day). That communication/relationship is the evidence (made wording) that "He" exists. My friend told me once, "what more do you need?"
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According to my belief, your grandmother is still with you as a spirit
not just in spirit. I believe spirits of the deceased are like God to others. They are always watching out for us, giving us hints of what not to do, blessings, and such. You don't need to believe in God to believe that your grandmother is watching over you. Communicate with
her. Pray to her. Maybe she can tell you about God. She would know what to say better than many of us here that aren't related to you.
I hope this helps a bit. Basically, I'm saying. Atheists can still be atheists and pray to God because that is a natural reaction to the last stage of mercy. If that atheist
believes God exists then he is no longer an athiest, but a theist. (Atheist can do theist things. It's their belief in God that tells the difference between the two)
Okay.. sorry this is long... just thinking over things myself.