Arranged Marriages

[Yerda]

Do you have any opinions on arranged marriage?

I personally used to be horrified by the idea (and terrified of marriage in general) but now I think it could prove useful (although I maintain a healthy fear).

I've heard the idea that marriage arose as custom of binding families for mutual gain and not as a declaration of love or commitment.

Forced union I really dislike, as is customary in many cultures when sons and daughters desire to make their own choices.

 

[groovydancer88]

I used to be amazed that such an idea could ever exist...and then a girl in my gym class told me that she had an arranged marriage! It was so strange - in this time, in this country, it seems like such an outdated custom. I am very much against it. Marriage now should happen when someone loves another person so much they'll agree to spend their entire life with them, not when a parent wants their daughter to be married to a rich man. It should be the choice of the person getting married. Can it be useful in some cases? Sure. Is it worth it? Not at all. Marriage is too important a thing to be treated as a business transaction.

 

[michel]

This story isn't exactly about arranged marriages (Not in a religious sense). One of my father's female cousins fell madly in love with another farmer's son who lived way over on the other side of the village. (We are talking 1920's); Her parents had an unwritten agreement with the next door farmer that their daughter would marry his son; fences could be taken down, and it would mean that they could justify buying a tractor etc etc

My grandfather, as the grand wise patriarch of the family, was immediately summoned to a meeting when it became known that the girl in question had fallen pregnant to the lad she loved. The entire family looked to my grandfather expecting him to come out with some master plan, and to chastise the lovers.
Instead, he rebuked the parents, told them that they had brought the situation on themselves, and wished the youngsters all the best.

I would imagine that arranged marriages work when both the 'participants' are brought up within the culture that considers that to be the norm. After all, if that is all they know about..........

 

[standing_on_one_foot]

Well, if you view women (or your children in general, if it comes to that) as, to some extent, possessions, I suppose it makes sense...I don't care for it myself.

 

[rivet]

arranged dates might be okay, but not forced marriages

 

[mrscardero]

In my country, my family felt that arranged marriages was important. Growing up with that person to get you prepared for when you are older and get married. (I never got to stay in my country since I got adopted. I don't know about not getting to know the person first before you marry them, but knowing the person you are marrying is a good thing. I guess in some countries, whether you know that person or not, that is who you will marry. I guess it means you have no say. I guess it also means that you will grow to love that person throughout your marriage.

 

[Green Gaia]

I think in some cultures they work and can be good, but in our Western society, it won't work.

 

[Jayhawker Soule]

Well, if you view women (or your children in general, if it comes to that) as, to some extent, possessions, I suppose it makes sense...I don't care for it myself.

Much of what underlies the arranged marriages of the Orthodox has little to do with matters of property. Rather, it is an effort to wisely guide and support the youth. Given that non-arranged marriages have done little to prove their efficacy, I would be careful about being overly judgemental.

 

[Dr. Nosophoros]

In arranged marriages, do males or females of the family or culture generally or mostly decide who is to marry whom?

Much of what underlies the arranged marriages of the Orthodox has little to do with matters of property. Rather, it is an effort to wisely guide and support the youth. Given that non-arranged marriages have done little to prove their efficacy, I would be careful about being overly judgemental.

Non- arranged marriages success or failure is a reflection of the people that are in it, not the institution itself, because the person has the free will to enter or leave it. Failure of an arranged marriage for example divorce (for women especially) is either not an option or a culturally stigmatizing act in some cultures that have them, so sometimes it is easier for them to just live with it whether miserable or not. I feel that lack of true freedom imposed religiously/culturally or both on an individual opens arranged marriage up for judgement as an institution.

 

[cardero]

It is about choice, whether it be a wise one or not. In arranged marriages the choice, I feel, is taken away. Keep in mind that arranged marriages are encouraged (though not enforced) as well in the US with some religions.

 

[Jayhawker Soule]

In arranged marriages, do males or females of the family or culture generally or mostly decide who is to marry whom?

Definitely.

Non- arranged marriages success or failure is a reflection of the people that are in it, not the institution itself, because the person has the free will to enter or leave it.

One could just as easily argue that the institution allows those with little or no life experience and even less wisdom to make life-altering decisions in the context of pervasive naivete, peer pressure, and uncontrolled hormones, thereby setting them up for failure.

Failure of an arranged marriage for example divorce (for women especially) is either not an option or a culturally stigmatizing act in some cultures that have them, so sometimes it is easier for them to just live with it whether miserable or not.

Soggy rubbish. While there are certainly exampled of such things, it is also true, for example, that arranged marrieges was rather common in Biblical Israel while Jewish law has long established a right of divorce for women. Conversely, the condition whereby "sometimes it is easier for them to just live with it whether miserable or not" sounds very much like the condition common to our culture and, particular, that of our parents.

I feel that lack of true freedom imposed religiously/culturally or both on an individual opens arranged marriage up for judgement as an institution.

You inability to distinguish between arranged marriage and forced marriage clearly reflects your cultural bias. I can only assume that your references to "real freedom" reflect little more than thoughtless naivete.

 

[SK2005]

I'm sure that it works in some places, but for me it wouldn't, or maybe it would, I'm so indecisive. A friend of mine, well, my adopted family where I spend all my time, said that if we were to practice arranged marriages then I would have you marry my son! She has three boys, one my age, two years younger, and another one, I thing 4 years younger. They are all like brothers to me! I would never marry any of them.

 

[Dr. Nosophoros]

Keep in mind that arranged marriages are encouraged (though not enforced) as well in the US with some religions.

I believe that, I had a female neighbor (age 87) whose first marriage was not arranged but was encouraged because her prospective husband was of the same faith and went to her parents church (a brand of catholicism- not picking on catholics here, just a fact of the story), he ended up being pretty useless, he drank, abused her and cheated quite frequently. She stuck with it for a number of years simply because that branch of catholicism frowned on divorce, but she finally got tired of it and divorced him, after that she remarried another man who was not a catholic and after they found out he wasn't, she was excommunicated from the church she basically grew up in. Many of her "friends" she had known for years then turned their backs on her due to their belief, after that she changed her faith. To me, that is religious and cultural control, religious in the fact that it was encouraged and accepted because of his "faith", and cultural because to her, the people at church were her "peers" or culture within which she circulated, a law no, but the social pressure within her group and it's beliefs could reasonably ammount to an arranged marriage within that social/religious structure.

I don't believe it's always religious, interracial dating was frowned on for years in this country, much less marriage. So to me overall, that is arranged in a sense by society because dating outside specific races was largely discouraged by general society, which in effect prevented many from doing so. It was arranged, arranged between the races due to the cultural norms.

 

[Dr. Nosophoros]

DUET. 32.8

One could just as easily argue that the institution (non-arranged marriages) allows those with little or no life experience and even less wisdom to make life-altering decisions in the context of pervasive naivete, peer pressure, and uncontrolled hormones, thereby setting them up for failure.

We could also argue that in an arranged marriage in whatever society that utilizes it can be guilty of exactly the same thing (except the hormones). Peer pressure, pervasive naivette etc. unless we want to believe that society does not change,evolve or learn and is incapable of peer pressure, naivette etc. in the first place- history doesn't support that idea though.

Soggy rubbish. While there are certainly exampled of such things, it is also true, for example, that arranged marrieges was rather common in Biblical Israel while Jewish law has long established a right of divorce for women. Conversely, the condition whereby "sometimes it is easier for them to just live with it whether miserable or not" sounds very much like the condition common to our culture and, particular, that of our parents.

You are arguing it within the Judeo-christian belief system because it supports your argument, not overall, there are many cultures that exist outside of that mentality and belief system that have arranged marriages. I don't believe that the origional topic was "Arranged Marriages within the Judeo Christian World" but more a general arranged marriage topic.

You inability to distinguish between arranged marriage and forced marriage clearly reflects your cultural bias. I can only assume that your references to "real freedom" reflect little more than thoughtless naivete.

And what culture do I represent?

 

[Sunstone]

It's said that in India about 50% of arranged marriages are unhappy, which is about the number of non-arranged marriages that in the West end in divorce.

 

[Jayhawker Soule]

Peer pressure, pervasive naivette etc. unless we want to believe that society does not change,evolve or learn and is incapable of peer pressure, naivette etc. in the first place- history doesn't support that idea though.

That is not a sentence. I honestly do not know what it says.

You are arguing it within the Judeo-christian belief system because it supports your argument, not overall, there are many cultures that exist outside of that mentality and belief system that have arranged marriages. I don't believe that the origional topic was "Arranged Marriages within the Judeo Christian World" but more a general arranged marriage topic.

As a matter of fact, I know a fair number of arranged Hindu marriages as well. Be that as it may, your observation, even if correct, does you little good. The existence of any[/i] culture which "supports my argument" demostrates that the problem, if there is one, is not with arranged marriages per se but with some other cultural legacy.

And what culture do I represent?

Don't know and don't care. I do know (and do care) that you look down upon the arranged marriages of some of my Jewish and Hindu friends.

 

[michel]

[PART QUOTE=Deut. 32.8]
Don't know and don't care. I do know (and do care) that you look down upon the arranged marriages of some of my Jewish and Hindu friends.[/QUOTE]
I don't 'look down' on arranged marriages, Deut, I am merely saying that 2nd generation 'brought up in the U.K' hindu youngsters, who have been subjected to our English culture tend to find themselves 'at odds' with their parent's culture. As I said before, and so has Susan - I am certain that there is much to be said for arranged marriages; perhaps if nothing else the acceptance that marriages are not 'blissful unions' that disintegrate inro nothingness once the initial attraction has disappeared. Marriages need for both partners to make efforts; there will always be difficult periods; perhaps the partners to arranged marriages are 'one up' on those who marry in haste, based on 'animal' attraction.

 

[Dr. Nosophoros]

Peer pressure, pervasive naivette etc. unless we want to believe that society does not change,evolve or learn and is incapable of peer pressure, naivette etc. in the first place- history doesn't support that idea though.

DUET. 32.8-That is not a sentence. I honestly do not know what it says.

Maybe for you to understand it, I need to rephrase it, so here it is, maybe in the form of a question, referring to your origional statement.

One could just as easily argue that the institution (non-arranged marriages) allows those with little or no life experience and even less wisdom to make life-altering decisions in the context of pervasive naivete, peer pressure, and uncontrolled hormones, thereby setting them up for failure.

Do you believe that societies (that do have arranged marriages) are incapable of exactly the same thing, poor wisdom, being naive or using peer pressure thereby setting them up for failure or do you believe that societies are not capable of learning or changing?

And what culture do I represent?

DUET. 32.8

Don't know and don't care. I do know (and do care) that you look down upon the arranged marriages of some of my Jewish and Hindu friends.

You specifically stated that I had a cultural bias, how can you state I have a cultural bias if you don't even know what it is?

It doesn't matter to me whether you care that I look down on arranged marriages or not, I look down on most societical control and conditioning as a whole and I don't care what excuse is used, religious or otherwise.

 

[Quoth The Raven]

I went to school with a guy whos parents marriage was arranged.One of the happiest couples I've ever known, quite possibly because they didn't go into the marriage with any preconceived romantic ideas that were going to be dashed down the track when reality set in and they discovered that their great and undying love didn't mystically make them one united soul, nor did it smooth over forever the fact that he farts in bed and she licks the spoon and then stirs the soup with it again.

 

[michel]

I went to school with a guy whos parents marriage was arranged.One of the happiest couples I've ever known, quite possibly because they didn't go into the marriage with any preconceived romantic ideas that were going to be dashed down the track when reality set in and they discovered that their great and undying love didn't mystically make them one united soul, nor did it smooth over forever the fact that he farts in bed and she licks the spoon and then stirs the soup with it again.

Hooray for a good reply - proving the point I was trying to make(That's why I call it a good reply!)(That's supposed to be a joke)I was beginning to doubt my own common sense!