Ask a nonbinary person

[lewisnotmiller]

Might be an ignorant question, but it's not something I can ask the nonbinary folks I know IRL.

Is there some distinction or variance in people who are nonbinary for reasons of personal sexuality (ie. They don't feel male or female) vs more cultural reasons (eg. They reject gender as a social construct)?

 

[VoidCat]

Might be an ignorant question, but it's not something I can ask the nonbinary folks I know IRL.

Is there some distinction or variance in people who are nonbinary for reasons of personal sexuality (ie. They don't feel male or female) vs more cultural reasons (eg. They reject gender as a social construct)?

Yes. Some nonbinary folk like myself do feel they have a gender while others feel they have none. Others feel they are multiple genders ie bigender folk who identify as both a man and a woman. Folk who reject it as a social construct will likely be genderless.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

Yes. Some nonbinary folk like myself do feel they have a gender while others feel they have none. Others feel they are multiple genders ie bigender folk who identify as both a man and a woman. Folk who reject it as a social construct will likely be genderless.

Thanks!
The nonbinary people I know are all younger, and not people I have close, long-term relationships with, so me curiously asking them questions about their sexuality would be a bit intimidating, even though I know my intentions are to better understand...lol.

I ask my daughter about it, as she has several nonbinary friends, but she identifies as female, and one of the interesting things to me is how much these areas are 'loosely understood' even by people of her age. It's a bit much to expect a 14 year old girl still working out her own head to give me much insight into how other people think...!!

 

[VoidCat]

Thanks!
The nonbinary people I know are all younger, and not people I have close, long-term relationships with, so me curiously asking them questions about their sexuality would be a bit intimidating, even though I know my intentions are to better understand...lol.

I ask my daughter about it, as she has several nonbinary friends, but she identifies as female, and one of the interesting things to me is how much these areas are 'loosely understood' even by people of her age. It's a bit much to expect a 14 year old girl still working out her own head to give me much insight into how other people think...!!

Yeah a lot of folk who arent nonbinary tend to have a hard time understanding it. For example folk think neither man nor woman would be genderless but not all nonbinary folk who identify as neither feel that way. I for example feel i have a gender that's a mixture of femme and masc but I dont identify as either man or woman. I kinda view myself as a third gender so to speak.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

Yeah a lot of folk who arent nonbinary tend to have a hard time understanding it. For example folk think neither man nor woman would be genderless but not all nonbinary folk who identify as neither feel that way. I for example feel i have a gender that's a mixture of femme and masc but I dont identify as either man or woman. I kinda view myself as a third gender so to speak.

Mostly I don't need to understand it, since I'm fine with giving people space to be themselves, and I figure there are a range of truths beneath all umbrella terms. I've mentioned here before, but I judge the people in my daughter's life by how they treat her, basically. I could care less about their sexuality or gender identity.

Having said that, I am a curious person generally, so reducing my own ignorance on any issue or social construct is always something I try to do.

 

[crossfire]

Well the identification people already use.

In general, terms like Homosexual, heterosexual, bi sexual, transsexual, among others that describes a person etc.

It seems there are people now who want, "None of the above". Basically an umbrella term

It, from what i can tell, sends a signal that there is an unresolvable identity crises present, or someone trying to fit into a specific social circle that resents already established terms that are out there.

I can tell you about what was going on when I was a teen: not only did we seek ways to get breast reductions, we also wanted strategies to get sterilized so we couldn't have children, which are routinely denied to childless young women. JFC! We were getting blamed for getting raped, and our rape kits, if we were taken seriously and an investigation was started, were not even being processed. Crimeny! We were being held accountable for violation of our bodies on one hand, but being denied any sort of control measures over our bodies according to our wishes. Would you want to be subject to those rules just because of your gender and age? If you could find a way to opt out of that class, wouldn't you jump at the opportunity?

 

[Yerda]

How would you explain non-binary to the confused?

 

[VoidCat]

How would you explain non-binary to the confused?

That would depend on what causes the confusion. Are they confused about the difference between sex and gender identity? Are they unsure how anyone cannot identify with the binary? Are they confused on what it means to transition? Or why it makes me happy to be nonbinary? It would also depend on the age...explaining nonbinary to a child is different then explaining to an adult for example. I would meet them where they at and work with their level of understanding.


I would regardless make it clear being nonbinary makes me happy and if after trying to answer their questions they still don't get it tell them they don't have to. Just be kind.

 

[Yerda]

That would depend on what causes the confusion. Are they confused about the difference between sex and gender identity? Are they unsure how anyone cannot identify with the binary? Are they confused on what it means to transition? Or why it makes me happy to be nonbinary? It would also depend on the age...explaining nonbinary to a child is different then explaining to an adult for example. I would meet them where they at and work with their level of understanding.


I would regardless make it clear being nonbinary makes me happy and if after trying to answer their questions they still don't get it tell them they don't have to. Just be kind.

Ok, thanks.

It's me that's confused. Does nonbinary mean you do have a gender identity but it isn't one of the typical ones?

I know I don't have to get it. I'm entirely comfortable with people being themselves, whatever that means to them. I would like to understand it a bit better though.

 

[VoidCat]

Ok, thanks.

It's me that's confused. Does nonbinary mean you do have a gender identity but it isn't one of the typical ones?

I know I don't have to get it. I'm entirely comfortable with people being themselves, whatever that means to them. I would like to understand it a bit better though.

Kind of. It just means the person identifies outside the binary of just man or woman. Some nonbinary people identify as both man and woman. Some identify as partly a man/woman partly not. Some have no gender identity. Some like me have a gender identity but it is neither man or woman it is a third gender separate from the two. Does that answer your question?

 

[Yerda]

Kind of. It just means the person identifies outside the binary of just man or woman. Some nonbinary people identify as both man and woman. Some identify as partly a man/woman partly not. Some have no gender identity. Some like me have a gender identity but it is neither man or woman it is a third gender separate from the two. Does that answer your question?

Yeah.

Out of interest, what do you think gender is? What does it mean to you to have (or not have) a gender?

 

[VoidCat]

Yeah.

Out of interest, what do you think gender is? What does it mean to you to have (or not have) a gender?

Gender is what a person feels they are in relation to the social constructs of their society. For me being nonbinary I never felt comfortable with the social role of being a woman or the social role of being a man. I felt best being perceived as neither. And i feel happiest when folk view me as nonbinary. As a mix of femme and masc and as androgynous.

 

[VoidCat]

@Yerda. I have a poem that explains it i wrote it when I was a teen hang on I'll post it

 

[VoidCat]

@Yerda. I have a poem that explains it i wrote it when I was a teen hang on I'll post it

Basically i just knew I was nonbinary. I've always known how i see myself

Title: A letter to myself...

Dear Ray,
At age 7,
They told you to cross your legs,
Sit up straight,
And to act lady-like...
Don't do this,don't do that.
That's not what girls do...
Do this do that....
And yet,
At night you bowed your head,
And prayed to God...
Why won't they understand you asked....
You are not a girl.
This you were certain.

At age 9,
You still haven't told them how you feel...
Your chest starts to grow,
And you ignore it for as long as possible.
Withdrawing from others,
It's the first signs of disconnecting
From your physical body.

At age 11,
This all feels like an act...
They tell you to dress a certain way and how to act.
As you try to conform to their standards...
You cringe when they call your name,
She and her feel like a stab to the heart.
You hear the word transgender for the first time...
But you feel no connection to being a boy...
But you know you aren't a girl...
So how can you be trans?

At age 13,
Your body is changing...
You start trying to distance yourself...
You had your first cycle and a friend says:
"You're a woman now."
You cry in your room for half an hour
And it wasn't because of cramps...

At age 14,
You can't ignore how you feel anymore,
You finally found out about the terms
Genderqueer and nonbinary...
Could this be you?
Maybe you are trans afterall...
But can you accept it?

At age 15,
You start to act hyperfeminine...
It's a last ditch effort to conform...
You feel that they will not accept you otherwise...
But it's exhausting and you have no other choice...
You come out of the closet...
First online then to your aunt...
There was fighting...
Weeks later you can't take it anymore...
You attempt suicide.
One day in a different home,
You decide to change your course,
You cut your hair.
A strong feeling of joy and relief fills you...
You know you are on the right path.

At age 16...
This is the present.
You hardly ever look into the mirrors...
But you are trying to find yourself.
You go more and more by Ray.
You've been insulted,yes,
And you've had people try to hurt you.
But you feel more at peace,
Acting like yourself...
I wonder what the future brings...

Dear future me,
1 in 3 of us transfolk,
Have attempted suicide by age 20.
You are one of those...
Hardly any of us make it to 31...
Are you still there?
Are you still fighting suicidal thoughts?
Do you still cringe,
Because they call you by your birth name?
Or have you changed it legally?
Do they still see you as female?
Have you accepted yourself?
Do you love who you are?
Do you still feel as if you are breaking?
This world does not feel as if it was made
For people like us...
But we will make it.
We will fight to hold on....
To hold onto hope...

Sincerely,
You