Asking opinions and advice.....

[oldbadger]

In a lot of situations with an abuser, it would be very dangerous to involve the police because if the police respond, there's often not much they can do. And then when the police leave, the victim is in a dangerous situation.

Where I live there are Women's Aid and Women's Refuge Centres for Women+children.
If it's that bad then it needs to be called in.
If a person (either spouse) has been hurt or hit then there is a mark. That's it. Our police will respond.

A lot of abusers also check victims' phones and psychologically abuse them and convince them that they can't get help from neighbors or anything like this. That's especially true if children are involved (potential blackmail: the abuse can spill over to the kids).

....Arrange for refuge, at distance. .......Call the Police........ Give a Statement....... Do not withdraw charges........ Go to Court..... Give the evidence.
Those who cannot do this can't really be helped legally.
I would never suggest that third parties do anything illegal.

I wouldn't be too hasty in calling it a play for attention. I have seen people rescued from situations like this that were absolutely awful, and the victims were terrified and so abused that they were convinced they would be caught even using a secret phone to contact shelters.

A high % of spouses who do call police will later withdraw.
A high % of cases that I advised were seeking attention. I can't tell you more than that.

What have you done for such cases, please? Any details?

 

[Meow Mix]

Where I live there are Women's Aid and Women's Refuge Centres for Women+children.
If it's that bad then it needs to be called in.
If a person (either spouse) has been hurt or hit then there is a mark. That's it. Our police will respond.


....Arrange for refuge, at distance. .......Call the Police........ Give a Statement....... Do not withdraw charges........ Go to Court..... Give the evidence.
Those who cannot do this can't really be helped legally.
I would never suggest that third parties do anything illegal.


A high % of spouses who do call police will later withdraw.
A high % of cases that I advised were seeking attention. I can't tell you more than that.

What have you done for such cases, please? Any details?

Ok, I'm not here to debate you about this serious subject. I think you're oversimplifying things in a dangerous way and I don't know why you would want to do that.

What's important is that We Never Know gets his friend to discreetly contact a shelter for professional help.

Edit: Trying to type while doing too many things, on a reread I think maybe you weren't trying to oversimplify, I just read it that way maybe. So, sorry about that.

But I think it would be bad to just assume someone's seeking attention. They definitely need to call a shelter in some safe way to get the advice they need.

 

[Nakosis]

I've been happily re-married for 12 years

With that said an ex-fiance tracked me down and said her marriage is a nightmare. Her husband abuseses her and she fears for her life. She contacted me seeking help because she knows I won't tolerate a man abusing a woman.
She knows my back ground and values and went as far as saying if you ever loved me, you will help me.
I told her to call the police..she said she has and they won't do anything.

My question... Should I help or stay out of it? And no I haven't yet talked to my wife about it because I'm sure she would say its not your problem.

When does one turn their back on someone they used to care for?

I'm seeking serious answers.

IMO, it's not fair to you or your current spouse for her to pull you into to this. You are no longer the right person for her to go to.
Also you don't know the truth, or the story from the other side. Maybe there is something to it or maybe she wants to manipulate you.

I'd go so far as getting her in contact with a shelter for abused women.
I think there is something wrong with her coming to you. If you get involved you may end up being nobody's friend.

 

[Vinayaka]

I've been happily re-married for 12 years

With that said an ex-fiance tracked me down and said her marriage is a nightmare. Her husband abuseses her and she fears for her life. She contacted me seeking help because she knows I won't tolerate a man abusing a woman.
She knows my back ground and values and went as far as saying if you ever loved me, you will help me.
I told her to call the police..she said she has and they won't do anything.

My question... Should I help or stay out of it? And no I haven't yet talked to my wife about it because I'm sure she would say its not your problem.

When does one turn their back on someone they used to care for?

I'm seeking serious answers.

There's no societal run place where your ex can run to? Why must it be you who helps? In my country we have safe houses. As others have said, I think you should discuss it with your wife, and come to a joint decision. I'm thinking there's a way to help wit minimal direct involvement.

 

[We Never Know]

I've been happily re-married for 12 years

With that said an ex-fiance tracked me down and said her marriage is a nightmare. Her husband abuseses her and she fears for her life. She contacted me seeking help because she knows I won't tolerate a man abusing a woman.
She knows my back ground and values and went as far as saying if you ever loved me, you will help me.
I told her to call the police..she said she has and they won't do anything.

My question... Should I help or stay out of it? And no I haven't yet talked to my wife about it because I'm sure she would say its not your problem.

When does one turn their back on someone they used to care for?

I'm seeking serious answers.

Update..

Thanks for the replies. My wife contacted a shelter this morning and gave them her phone number and called her and gave her the shelters phone number.
What she does now is up to her.

 

[oldbadger]

But I think it would be bad to just assume someone's seeking attention. They definitely need to call a shelter in some safe way to get the advice they need.

We don't assume anything.
We give positive actual advice.
If the spouse doesn't follow up, or withdraws later, then any future appeals might suggest attention seeking.
I get very sad on those occasions when partners and spouses keep claiming abuse and let lots of folks get involved, but do nothing themselves and withdraw later on. If you've been involved with these cases then you would know about these cases.

 

[Meow Mix]

We don't assume anything.
We give positive actual advice.
If the spouse doesn't follow up, or withdraws later, then any future appeals might suggest attention seeking.
I get very sad on those occasions when partners and spouses keep claiming abuse and let lots of folks get involved, but do nothing themselves and withdraw later on. If you've been involved with these cases then you would know about these cases.

Just the one I was personally involved in; have friends that have done stuff for shelters though.

I’m just concerned that there’s a difference between cry for attention and psychological abuse/Stockholme syndrome

 

[Meow Mix]

What I would do.

I would go to the police and report him. Then I would carry a gun. The moment he abuses me, it's a bullet in his face.

It’s not that simple when there is psychological abuse and years long gaslighting and things like that going on.

 

[Revoltingest]

Old saying in Revoltistan....
"No good deed goes unpunished."
(Especially so if it's one that could go south, & create legal liability.)

 

[TransmutingSoul]

I've been happily re-married for 12 years

With that said an ex-fiance tracked me down and said her marriage is a nightmare. Her husband abuseses her and she fears for her life. She contacted me seeking help because she knows I won't tolerate a man abusing a woman.
She knows my back ground and values and went as far as saying if you ever loved me, you will help me.
I told her to call the police..she said she has and they won't do anything.

My question... Should I help or stay out of it? And no I haven't yet talked to my wife about it because I'm sure she would say its not your problem.

When does one turn their back on someone they used to care for?

I'm seeking serious answers.

I hope you and your wife do all you can to help her.

Regards Tony

 

[oldbadger]

Just the one I was personally involved in; have friends that have done stuff for shelters though.

Fair enough.

I’m just concerned that there’s a difference between cry for attention and psychological abuse/Stockholme syndrome

Psycho-abuse........ yes. And the victims can be either gender.
Divorce is getting to be much more easy in Western Countries now, and men and women overcome with psycho-bullying can get out and away, although the stress of the operation can be wicked.

I'm not sure what can be done for 'Stockholme', a spouse who is imprinted upon a dreadful marriage partner might not take much advise, I'm afraid to say. At the point where a spouse is forcefully separated in any way 'for their own good' then 'Freedom of the person' gets involved..