jasonwill2
Well-Known Member
Muahaha! I do not know if this is good or not.
Ok, so two nights ago... I got really compulsive because of a bunch of frustrations building up, and went on a bike ride at 2 in the morning. I started pedaling down my road, not thinking too much, and started to descend into stringing together terrible poetry into spurratic lines like a mad man. At one point, I unthinkingly said my invocation to Ha-Satan, and the ritual began.
I rode my bike further, rhyming more, and found myself in-front of that sickening baptist church I have been going to for a while. I said (screamed) some words in the parking lot, still going on with my poetry like a mad man.
SO, I just listened to what came out of my mouth, never once thinking of it while the music kept beating really loud in my ears (I was listening to music this whole time), and on the way home... I finally heard the truth.
It wasn't Satan, it wasn't anything, but me. I said something about not seeing or feeling Satan, but looking into the mirror and seeing him, and then the next words I heard out of my mouth was that the concept of "Ha-Satan" was merely my subconscious mind speaking to me...
So all the encounters I had with spirits were a product of my mind, hallucinations brought on by my mental state. It makes sense, considering what was going on around the time that I had most of those experiences. I have not had any experiences like those in quite a while. Everytime I cast a ritual, it would only work if it was a compassion ritual and not a destruction one (havn't ever tried a lust one yet). And everytime I cast a compassion ritual, I felt no "pressence" or agent working in me. I started to realize after many huge successes that the compassion rituals I was casting were only working because they were completely internal... it only took time for me to conscious realize that there are no gods, no spirits, and nothing.
Nothing, nothing at all. When I die, I DIE. When I go, I will be forgotten. At least before, if everyone forgot me, I could influence them and make their lives hell, or help people... or something. But there is no life after death, there is nothing. There is no final goal, everything crumbles.
And that terrifies me.
Tonight I am going to preform a succubus invocation I wrote a while ago. If it works, I will be thrown back into Theism. If it does not work, then my faith will be broken, and I will truly realize that atheism is the way to go.
I'm so freaked by this, though perhaps these other beliefs were merely a transition for me... to ease off of my older beliefs.. why else would I have went to that church two nights ago? I screamed, I yelled. That "god" abandoned me, blah blah blah. I tried to repent, and get "forgiven", but it was all vain. I think this stems from a similar issue maybe.
I also know that it may be that I am afraid that if I get back into heavy magic... and mess with spirits, that I might get burned again. So perhaps this is a defense mechanism, this atheism creeping on me. Because if I do not believe in spirits, why would I mess with them? Also when I was going home I was thinking of this and the thought was: "well maybe this is Satan telling me that no gods exist so that he can drag me further"
I feel so messed up right now inside. I occasionally find myself saying, when in doubt if magic will work "well if Christianity is right Satan will help me to keep me further away from Christ"
WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?! Is it that my subconscious wants to keep me away from Theism so I do not backslide into Christianity, or is it what I intuitively believe in the back of my mind?
I don't know though... I'm starting to think that I really might of been a "false convert" or what-ever... I'm not sure. For now, I will keep practicing magic, and just see what happens.
Also, after this was all done and I got home, I got to my altar and lit the candles, and preformed a closing after reading an Enochian key. o.0 I hadn't even realized until it was going home that I actually was doing a ritual in a ritual mindset... on a bike at 3 A.M. in the cold... like a madman who couldn't sleep.
Signed,
In Nomine Satanas.
Ok, so two nights ago... I got really compulsive because of a bunch of frustrations building up, and went on a bike ride at 2 in the morning. I started pedaling down my road, not thinking too much, and started to descend into stringing together terrible poetry into spurratic lines like a mad man. At one point, I unthinkingly said my invocation to Ha-Satan, and the ritual began.
I rode my bike further, rhyming more, and found myself in-front of that sickening baptist church I have been going to for a while. I said (screamed) some words in the parking lot, still going on with my poetry like a mad man.
SO, I just listened to what came out of my mouth, never once thinking of it while the music kept beating really loud in my ears (I was listening to music this whole time), and on the way home... I finally heard the truth.
It wasn't Satan, it wasn't anything, but me. I said something about not seeing or feeling Satan, but looking into the mirror and seeing him, and then the next words I heard out of my mouth was that the concept of "Ha-Satan" was merely my subconscious mind speaking to me...
So all the encounters I had with spirits were a product of my mind, hallucinations brought on by my mental state. It makes sense, considering what was going on around the time that I had most of those experiences. I have not had any experiences like those in quite a while. Everytime I cast a ritual, it would only work if it was a compassion ritual and not a destruction one (havn't ever tried a lust one yet). And everytime I cast a compassion ritual, I felt no "pressence" or agent working in me. I started to realize after many huge successes that the compassion rituals I was casting were only working because they were completely internal... it only took time for me to conscious realize that there are no gods, no spirits, and nothing.
Nothing, nothing at all. When I die, I DIE. When I go, I will be forgotten. At least before, if everyone forgot me, I could influence them and make their lives hell, or help people... or something. But there is no life after death, there is nothing. There is no final goal, everything crumbles.
And that terrifies me.
Tonight I am going to preform a succubus invocation I wrote a while ago. If it works, I will be thrown back into Theism. If it does not work, then my faith will be broken, and I will truly realize that atheism is the way to go.
I'm so freaked by this, though perhaps these other beliefs were merely a transition for me... to ease off of my older beliefs.. why else would I have went to that church two nights ago? I screamed, I yelled. That "god" abandoned me, blah blah blah. I tried to repent, and get "forgiven", but it was all vain. I think this stems from a similar issue maybe.
I also know that it may be that I am afraid that if I get back into heavy magic... and mess with spirits, that I might get burned again. So perhaps this is a defense mechanism, this atheism creeping on me. Because if I do not believe in spirits, why would I mess with them? Also when I was going home I was thinking of this and the thought was: "well maybe this is Satan telling me that no gods exist so that he can drag me further"
I feel so messed up right now inside. I occasionally find myself saying, when in doubt if magic will work "well if Christianity is right Satan will help me to keep me further away from Christ"
WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?! Is it that my subconscious wants to keep me away from Theism so I do not backslide into Christianity, or is it what I intuitively believe in the back of my mind?
I don't know though... I'm starting to think that I really might of been a "false convert" or what-ever... I'm not sure. For now, I will keep practicing magic, and just see what happens.
Also, after this was all done and I got home, I got to my altar and lit the candles, and preformed a closing after reading an Enochian key. o.0 I hadn't even realized until it was going home that I actually was doing a ritual in a ritual mindset... on a bike at 3 A.M. in the cold... like a madman who couldn't sleep.
Signed,
In Nomine Satanas.
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