Balancing confidence with ego

[DreadFish]

So, I have a problem that I would like my dharmic friends to help with.

How does one find full self confidence without feeding the ego? Most confidence would be in relation to some qualities that one has, or in some way related to the ego.

I for one, dont have much self confidence or self esteem when I relate to other people, I want to find a simple peaceful confidence in my being that doesnt rely on my skills or personality, or what people think of me. The only other way I feel I could reduce the lack of self esteem would be a detrimental way (the whole, do what I gotta do and **** everyone else thing.) I dont have to feel lowly, but I only have a grasp at the other extreme, which would likely make me a harsh, bitter person.

So, wheres the balance? How does one find that simple peaceful confidence in their being, that doesnt rely on what they think of themselves, or what others think of them?

I know this is something I will have to do on my own, but some advice, perspective or teaching would be much appreciated. And who knows, maybe someone else here could use it too.

 

[Onkara]

Hi DreadFish
This is a good question and it can be addressed in many different ways and angles. The fact that you know it is something to do on your own is key.

Confidence is not quantitive. In other words there isn't more or less confidence. We cannot walk into a shop and buy a 'pint of confidence'. I am not mocking, but the point is that to desire something will lead to frustration and frustration will lead to anger (possibly with yourself or with others around you), We are, in a effect, creating a sense of lack i.e. a sense of lack of confidence. We must break the circle by addressing the roots.

If we cut away the layers of terminology and analysis it could come down to: suffering and craving (desire). Two topics familiar to the study of Dharma.

We crave to have more than we have, to meet the idea of what we or others might think we should be like. That leads us to suffering as we find we don't have or don't meet up to our ideas. Or we are believe we are suffering and we crave to end that through becoming more confident or what ever we have analysed it to be.

Knowing that it is suffering and/or craving then you might be able to work on the mind using the Buddhist tools and techniques. Such as mindfulness, which will create a gap where you will see that craving or suffering, regarding confidence, arises or departs in you. You will also see that due to the impermenance of these emotions and thoughts, that they are not real, in the eternal sense. You will then be able to classify them as not You (the real you) and take the upper hand.

The ego is not the enemy, because ego is a stream or pattern of thought, so it is inert. Thought is impotenent if it is not given the energy of your focus and attention. Through mindfulness, as explained, you will see that the thoughts arise but are impermenent i.e. not real. Change may be immediate or it may appear to take time. My bet is one day you will notice you act without any regard to confidence or lack of it. The only thing to 'do' is to practice mindfulness.

 

[Vinayaka]

Good question, good advice.

I think its important to understand the difference. Confidence doesn't care what others think. Its merely knowing you can do this task. Suppose its climbing a tree, or fixing a computer. You've done it before, and therefore have programmed your mind to know that. So you just go ahead full force. New tasks are easier if you;ve had lots of experiences with new tasks. It may take more time the first few times, but... you get better

With ego, both the above actions need an audience. So for me personally, I pretend the people aren't there. This strategy is also useful for people who have confidence issues and have stage fright. They can't talk in front of people, much less dance or act silly or discuss philosophy ... all those actions that do involve other people.

The good drama coach has the student focus on the wall at the far end of the auditorium. its as if the audience wasn't even there.

So you need to convince yourself that what others think of you is largely irrelevant. Its what you think of you that counts. Not necessarily an easy task, as often other people are the catalyst for you thinking too much about yourself ... ego based decision making. not the best dharmic way to go about it.

Hope this is helpful in some oddball nutty way.

 

[ratikala]

dear dharma freind ,

So, I have a problem that I would like my dharmic friends to help with.

How does one find full self confidence without feeding the ego? Most confidence would be in relation to some qualities that one has, or in some way related to the ego.

third to say , a realy good question , something we can all reflect upon ,

I for one, dont have much self confidence or self esteem when I relate to other people, I want to find a simple peaceful confidence in my being that doesnt rely on my skills or personality, or what people think of me. The only other way I feel I could reduce the lack of self esteem would be a detrimental way (the whole, do what I gotta do and **** everyone else thing.) I dont have to feel lowly, but I only have a grasp at the other extreme, which would likely make me a harsh, bitter person.

a few simple suggestions ,

Ballance ," not elated not depressed " in this case not confident not un confident , just be
as in meditation you watch a distraction enter your mind and without attatching you let it pass you by ,
so what ever the feeling or emotion you are trying to deal with try to watch it come (prehaps with a little fear )but thinking ah ha today I am not engaging with you , Iam not going to attatch this time ! (so you try to let it simply pass), of course it is not an instantanious thing old habits are hard to overcome so adopt a little light heartedness with your self , practice , as with meditation it takes time , but watch with interest , asking how did I do today ? ....good ? well in that case small pat on own back and keep it up ,.... bad ? oh dear , try again tomorow no beating one self up , no inflating the ego , just observing .

practicing the eight fold path , Right thought , right speach , right action , and applying it to every situation ,

So, wheres the balance? How does one find that simple peaceful confidence in their being, that doesnt rely on what they think of themselves, or what others think of them?

when one knows some thing to be right , one simply does it , one dosent think too much ! when one knows that something needs to be done one just simply does it !
so ask your self is this right ? or does this need doing ? if the answer is yes , then this is right please do it with joy , do it with love , dont worry about what any one else is thinking , let them think about their actions , and you think about yours , that is the right way of course analise well what is right in thought , right in speach and right in action , But by thinking this way your confidence will find a happy ballance

I know this is something I will have to do on my own, but some advice, perspective or teaching would be much appreciated. And who knows, maybe someone else here could use it too.

yes , like anything else practice and a little self praise , just enough to encorage you on , and if you catch an ego feeling a little proud of it self please laugh at it and tell it to get lost , no distractions around here thankyou cant you see I'm practicing

good dharma practice should not be heavy , it should be light hearted we can have a little fun laughing at our selves that is the best way to destroy the ego !!!and dont wory about the confidence it will gently grow

 

[DreadFish]

Ah, thank you all for your responses, I found each one of them very helpful.

This is something I have had for quite a few years, so its a very strong deep-rooted habit that will likely take a little while to deplete.

I also have noticed that I only have anything ego related when it involves interacting with "others." Really, most of my problems are problems that have their root in how I interact with others. I guess, after all, without "others" there would be no "self" to feel anything about anyway.


I will just keep practicing

 

[Hermit Philosopher]

So, I have a problem that I would like my dharmic friends to help with.

How does one find full self confidence without feeding the ego? Most confidence would be in relation to some qualities that one has, or in some way related to the ego.

I for one, dont have much self confidence or self esteem when I relate to other people, I want to find a simple peaceful confidence in my being that doesnt rely on my skills or personality, or what people think of me. The only other way I feel I could reduce the lack of self esteem would be a detrimental way (the whole, do what I gotta do and **** everyone else thing.) I dont have to feel lowly, but I only have a grasp at the other extreme, which would likely make me a harsh, bitter person.

So, wheres the balance? How does one find that simple peaceful confidence in their being, that doesnt rely on what they think of themselves, or what others think of them?

I know this is something I will have to do on my own, but some advice, perspective or teaching would be much appreciated. And who knows, maybe someone else here could use it too.

Dear DreadFish,
Self-confidence without ego, is just confidence, yes? But, as nobody can avoid being attached to a physical self whiles alive, pure confidence for man, must require the trusting of ones [personal] understanding of things

"Faith gives confidence" sounds most cliché; yet, perhaps it's simply true...

In my case it means trusting my belief that behind our temporary, individual selves, each one of us is an experiencing part of a permanent, collective whole; and, that because of this, the prosperity - or indeed, the failure - of one ego, is that of everyone's.

Then, as this becomes apparent - even to my temporary, separate self - and, I no longer can refrain from confidently partaking in another man's joys and sorrows; selfish feelings to do with competition and the likes (pride and greed, for example), become more and more alien to me...

Suddenly, this growing sense of selflessness increases the confidence one has, not only in oneself, but also in others. And ones confidence in others, helps one live selflessly confident.

Wishing you the very best,
Hermit