I think for me, growing up I had an idea of my bisexuality. The problem was that the notion was that you were at one end of the polarity or the other. I wasn't exactly sure of whether or not I was gay or straight at times.........eventually I became more clear about where I am on the spectrum, but it didn't come without some hardships.
Other kids had guessed correctly of my lesbian leanings, and I was teased mercilessly for it at school. The other girls in class not only had some (in their minds) weapons to use because I was extremely underconfident and nervous, but that I was little, that I sat in the front of class all the time, and because those girls had caught me "staring." It's one thing to go though the classic heterosexual crush with all it's drama, but it's entirely another where a homosexual crush leads to - I don't know how else to call it - but sheer
hatred from an entire group of kids.
Nothing was ever out in the open. But there was a very subliminal disgust directed toward me, and no one could ever exactly put their finger on it. I was, in many cases, "straight." But some couldn't figure out why I "acted like a dyke."
That terrible confusion only became worse when I somehow became an object of
desire for either bi-curious girls or for boys who had wild and crazy fantasies. In college, I was
the lay of the decade at the university. And sure, I slept around quite a bit with both genders, but things nearly always became complicated when I fell in love with a woman. It seemed that my only purpose was to be that object without any capacity for a deep commitment. I was the "fantasy." I wasn't a real flesh-and-blood woman, apparently.
I can't say that I've ever been physically threatened or harmed, but the ostracization and/or denial of my love interests have been at such a forefront. So much of my actions in dating had been me using the part of the "fantasy" as a weapon or as an armor protecting who I was inside.
*shrug*
Hope this helps.
Peace,
Mystic
