Challenges With Demisexuality

[JustGeorge]

I've learned a lot in my time on the forums(some lessons more valuable than others). One thing that stuck out for me was there's a term for people like me... demi-sexual!

I found it interesting, though overall not very important for me now. I'm married, and am not seeking more. But I wonder how this identification could have helped me when I was looking...

I honestly have spent little time single since my teenaged years(some think that's a shame, I don't). But, there was a period of time in which I was in my late 20s... and the dating world seemed terrifying. It seemed the norm(for this place and age group), meet up, hook up, decide if you liked them. And I could. not. do. that. The idea of casual sex turned my stomach. I was told I needed to relax my 'ideals', or I'd remain single.

I didn't. I found my husband long distance(over the phone), and formed a relationship with him before we even met. (And that's what had happened with the guy I'd been with before him; I'd met him online and formed a strong bond before we ever physically met.)

But I wonder, if I'd had that word to articulate what I felt(or didn't feel), if I'd have been able to navigate life better. And I wonder if that option makes it easier for people now.

What do you think? Do you think being able to label one's sexuality in such a manner has improved(or hindered) the romantic experience?

 

[Estro Felino]

I think so.
Romantic people do have lots of boyfriends too.
My first time was at 23 because I didn't find the right guy, a romantic one to have sex with.
But after that...I have had so many guys in my life. Tens of them, I'd say.

Not as many as my best friend. She must have had thirty boyfriends and she's my age.

PS: I have also remarked that in the US women are more preoccupied with their reputation. In my country, nobody is.
Quite the contrary, if there's the rumor that a woman is an easy lady to use an euphemism to edulcorate, that's good advertisement, and men will hit on you.

 

[crossfire]

I've learned a lot in my time on the forums(some lessons more valuable than others). One thing that stuck out for me was there's a term for people like me... demi-sexual!

I found it interesting, though overall not very important for me now. I'm married, and am not seeking more. But I wonder how this identification could have helped me when I was looking...

I honestly have spent little time single since my teenaged years(some think that's a shame, I don't). But, there was a period of time in which I was in my late 20s... and the dating world seemed terrifying. It seemed the norm(for this place and age group), meet up, hook up, decide if you liked them. And I could. not. do. that. The idea of casual sex turned my stomach. I was told I needed to relax my 'ideals', or I'd remain single.

I didn't. I found my husband long distance(over the phone), and formed a relationship with him before we even met. (And that's what had happened with the guy I'd been with before him; I'd met him online and formed a strong bond before we ever physically met.)

But I wonder, if I'd had that word to articulate what I felt(or didn't feel), if I'd have been able to navigate life better. And I wonder if that option makes it easier for people now.

What do you think? Do you think being able to label one's sexuality in such a manner has improved(or hindered) the romantic experience?

You intuitively knew what was best for you instead of bending to society's expectations. Good for you! You have your own mind!

 

[Secret Chief]

I've learned a lot in my time on the forums(some lessons more valuable than others). One thing that stuck out for me was there's a term for people like me... demi-sexual!

I found it interesting, though overall not very important for me now. I'm married, and am not seeking more. But I wonder how this identification could have helped me when I was looking...

I honestly have spent little time single since my teenaged years(some think that's a shame, I don't). But, there was a period of time in which I was in my late 20s... and the dating world seemed terrifying. It seemed the norm(for this place and age group), meet up, hook up, decide if you liked them. And I could. not. do. that. The idea of casual sex turned my stomach. I was told I needed to relax my 'ideals', or I'd remain single.

I didn't. I found my husband long distance(over the phone), and formed a relationship with him before we even met. (And that's what had happened with the guy I'd been with before him; I'd met him online and formed a strong bond before we ever physically met.)

But I wonder, if I'd had that word to articulate what I felt(or didn't feel), if I'd have been able to navigate life better. And I wonder if that option makes it easier for people now.

What do you think? Do you think being able to label one's sexuality in such a manner has improved(or hindered) the romantic experience?

Spookily just the other day I went down this rabbit hole. Who knew there were so many "categories" ? Not me!
Not that it desperately matters but there seem so many I'm not sure which is most appropriate for me. Also, the "label" that suits me now is not the same as would have suited me in the past. I don't think such labelling would have improved or hindered me, but maybe others...

 

[JustGeorge]

Spookily just the other day I went down this rabbit hole. Who knew there were so many "categories" ? Not me!

I hadn't known before RF!

Not that it desperately matters but there seem so many I'm not sure which is most appropriate for me. Also, the "label" that suits me now is not the same as would have suited me in the past. I don't think such labelling would have improved or hindered me, but maybe others...

I think it would have been nice to have a way to communicate that I wasn't actually able to feel strong attraction to someone I didn't really know... it was never taken as anything other than "George is a prudish stick in the mud".

 

[Bthoth]

Compared to the general population, most people who are demisexual rarely feel sexual attraction.

That is very strange to me as the instinct to procreate exists in most all living species.

 

[Soandso]

Oh high five! I found this out about myself as well a couple years ago when my best friend suggested I could be demi. I looked into asexuality and demisexuality and sure enough, it seems to tick all the boxes for me

In retrospect, though, it explains why I've never been in a relationship for less than a year since I knew the person well before we started dating. Have you had a similar experience in that regard?

 

[JustGeorge]

Compared to the general population, most people who are demisexual rarely feel sexual attraction.

That is very strange to me as the instinct to procreate exists in most all living species.

That sounds more like asexuality to me.

Demisexual people generally aren't sexually attracted to people they don't know. Now, if a strong attachment is built to a person, they can certainly build those feelings for them.

 

[JustGeorge]

Oh high five! I found this out about myself as well a couple years ago when my best friend suggested I could be demi. I looked into asexuality and demisexuality and sure enough, it seems to tick all the boxes for me

In retrospect, though, it explains why I've never been in a relationship for less than a year since I knew the person well before we started dating. Have you had a similar experience in that regard?

No, not necessarily. I met my husband over the phone; talked to him a month long distance. Drove out to meet him, got engaged that night, married a month later.

It doesn't necessarily take me a long time, but I feel I needed distance to get to know a person where I didn't have to worry about pressure for a physical relationship. Can't touch me if they're 2,000 miles away!

 

[Soandso]

Compared to the general population, most people who are demisexual rarely feel sexual attraction.

That is very strange to me as the instinct to procreate exists in most all living species.

Well, demisexuality is part of the asexuality spectrum. There's variations of degree to attraction as well, with partial attraction being called "gray ace." It's difficult for folks who aren't ace to wrap their head around, from what I've noticed, so I don't really talk about it with folks unless they bring it up themselves

 

[Bthoth]

Well, demisexuality is part of the asexuality spectrum. There's variations of degree to attraction as well, with partial attraction being called "gray ace." It's difficult for folks who aren't ace to wrap their head around, from what I've noticed, so I don't really talk about it with folks unless they bring it up themselves

No idea what a 'gray race' analogy is about

I just found this:

The Gray Race​

Wikipedia
https://en.wikipedia.org › wiki › The_Gray_Race




The Gray Race is the ninth full-length album of the punk rock band Bad Religion, which was released in 1996.

 

[Estro Felino]

No, not necessarily. I met my husband over the phone; talked to him a month long distance. Drove out to meet him, got engaged that night, married a month later.

It doesn't necessarily take me a long time, but I feel I needed distance to get to know a person where I didn't have to worry about pressure for a physical relationship. Can't touch me if they're 2,000 miles away!

Very lucky.
Italian men need at least two years to be brought to the altar.
They are allergic to commitment.

 

[JustGeorge]

Well, demisexuality is part of the asexuality spectrum. There's variations of degree to attraction as well, with partial attraction being called "gray ace." It's difficult for folks who aren't ace to wrap their head around, from what I've noticed, so I don't really talk about it with folks unless they bring it up themselves

What's "gray ace"?

I agree. It is really hard to talk about with people...

On the other hand, its sometimes frustrating to understand the rest of the world and how the majority handles sexuality, but have absolutely no way of relating to it yourself.

 

[Soandso]

No idea what a 'gray race' analogy is about

I just found this:

The Gray Race​

Wikipedia
https://en.wikipedia.org › wiki › The_Gray_Race



View attachment 87059
The Gray Race is the ninth full-length album of the punk rock band Bad Religion, which was released in 1996.

Ah, maybe this helps

Gray asexuality - Wikipedia

en.m.wikipedia.org

 

[JustGeorge]

Very lucky.
Italian men need at least two years to be brought to the altar.
They are allergic to commitment.

Italian women are very envious. It's a fact.

Why don't you and your friends take a trip to the US's south. Not only did I get immediately engaged to my husband upon physically meeting, his brother proposed to the roommate I had(they had just met).

 

[Bthoth]

Ah, maybe this helps

Gray asexuality - Wikipedia

en.m.wikipedia.org

OK... a new term.

I was on the path of sexuality as instinctive to life, which is why I had a hard time comprehending the scope of demisexuality.

The grey angle is just a new labeling format

 

[Estro Felino]

Why don't you and your friends take a trip to the US's south. Not only did I get immediately engaged to my husband upon physically meeting, his brother proposed to the roommate I had(they had just met).

Manuela Arcuri (you can google her to see who she is) waited. Ten years to convince her bf to marry her.

By the way...that's a very nice advice.
Back to the topic, I believe that it's men's allergy to commitment here that pushes so many women to become promiscuous. And that's very sad.

 

[JustGeorge]

@Soandso , do you find it has impacted your ability to have friends any?

I found it did, to some extent. Because I related to sexuality so differently, I was seen as somewhat of a disappointment.

I feel that also, when I was in a long distance relationship, men would say they wanted to be friends and chill, but it always came back to "stop wasting your time committing yourself to someone far away when you could get 'fulfilled' now!" And it was like ugh.... and it made me feel hopeless...

 

[Bthoth]

Back to the topic, I believe that it's men's allergy to commitment here that pushes so many women to become promiscuous. And that's very sad.

Based on the topic, that line and rational is beyond weird as it is almost like blaming men for what a woman does with her own choice.

 

[Soandso]

@Soandso , do you find it has impacted your ability to have friends any?

I found it did, to some extent. Because I related to sexuality so differently, I was seen as somewhat of a disappointment.

I feel that also, when I was in a long distance relationship, men would say they wanted to be friends and chill, but it always came back to "stop wasting your time committing yourself to someone far away when you could get 'fulfilled' now!" And it was like ugh.... and it made me feel hopeless...

Hmmm... I don't know if I'd say that I've been viewed as being a "disappointment" as far as I'm aware, but then again that might have more to do with my area and the kinds of friends I keep. Up here we have the "Seattle freeze," so folks tend to be a lot more low-key when it comes to their friendships

I do notice people regard me differently in their friendships than they regard their other friends though, but I'm not sure how much being demi influences that. I'm a pretty off beat guy, so I suspect it has much more to do with that fact, heh