Coming Out experiences

[Unveiled Artist]

I found out that October 11th is LGBTQA coming out day. Since there isn't a specific forum for LGBTQA community, I thought I'd address the audience to those who identify as such and allies as well.

What is your coming out experience?

If you are still learning about your sexuality, what (if comfortable) questions you may have or experiences you may want to learn from others who have been there too?

There are a lot of questions under this topic, really.

I remember coming out at about 14. I sat on my bed and pulled my brother aside. He's I think four years younger than me. I told him I am lesbian, and he says "I figured." That's basically it. I finally told my mother. She was more shocked and had bias views than anything else. We were riding in D.C. and we saw someone who stereotypical looked like a transvestite. She looked at me in the passenger seat and said, "there goes one of your people." My father wanted to me to carry his name since my brother didn't want to marry or anything. My uncle is still trying to get me to come to god. My ex-friend tells me I'm born to celibacy.

Most of my coming out phase was educating people. Telling them the difference between G, L, B, T, and A and then adding "don't forget the S now." Other times it's more learning about my own biases as well given where I live and grown up.

If comfortable, share your experiences.

 

[Helvetios]

I came out to my parents after watching an episode of Lie To Me where one of the characters reveals that she is bisexual. It gave me a quick way to say "you know that character? I'm like her." They thought it was a phase for a while and even suggested I investigate ex-gay therapy, but have gradually come to accept it. This suggestion of contacting Exodus International delayed my own acceptance of myself by a full year, but fortunately I never went for therapy and Exodus has shut down by now anyway.

Before that I came out to two of my friends. That was easier - although with my religious upbringing I was surprised to see that it wasn't a big deal.

Before that I had to come out to myself. That was hard. I finally realized it when I was 17 and had a major crush on one of my female friends, while I was reflecting on how I related to boys and girls and how I viewed myself. It was a bit of a shock and I'm glad that the first people I told were accepting, because they helped me be more accepting of myself as well.

Coming out is still difficult. As anyone knows, coming out is a constant process. I'm always in the closet with every new person I meet. It doesn't help that my partner is male, either, since that helps me present as heterosexual. I consistently have to ask myself whether it's worth asserting my queer identity when it doesn't really "matter", and I consistently have to choose between volunteering this truth about myself (unexpected and often not relevant to conversation) and lying by omission. I'm really trying to keep queerness part of my life regardless of my personal relationships. Affirming my identity makes me feel alive. <3

 

[Laika]

I came out in 2013 age 23/24. For the most part I did it by a Facebook update which got universal approval. Easily the best thing I've ever used facebook for.

But this had been going on since 2007/8 and my first year at university when I had a crush on my flatmate. The depression started and after leaving university I began to have a sort of breakdown. So I tried to figure out what caused it and eventually realised it was because I was bisexual and repressing it. I read some books by the psychoanalyst Wilhelm Reich (which made my jaw drop at how explicit it was about sexuality). After that I slowly became more accepting, first coming out to a close freind in when I visited him in Cambridge in 2010 who already knew about my feelings for this freind and that I was struggling with them.

I came out to my parents who were "ok" with it but only just. In conversations my parents have repeated the myth that homosexuals are pedophilles (without connecting it to me) and my dad has been upset that he may not have grandchildren. At one point he discussed whether he and my mum should leave the house to my younger cousins rather than me so they could start a family (as I wouldnt be needing it for that "purpose"). My parents were opposed to the guy I fell for from the begininng and forbid me from ever letting him visit "their" house. This wasnt explicitly due to my feelings for him but it made everything much more complicated.

I did come out to the guy about june 2013 (after the Facebook post). I did my best to stay in touch in the hope of getting a decent chance but our relationship was doomed at this point so there was little risk in my saying it. I knew already he was striaght but only because he had said so whilst making a failed sexual advance on me when I visited him in his final year at uni-which left me extremely confused about his intentions. So I rang him and came out over the phone. We never talked after that but there were other factors at work as I was trying to intervene to stop him taking a (legal) job involving selling weapons whilst almost certianly having issues with his ADHD along with drugs and alcohol. So as much as I loved him, it was a car crash of a relationship on both ends. Its a long story but I'm always a bit stunned when I write it out because of how this all sounds.

Coming out has made a dramatic improvement to my mental health and got me past the worst stages of depression. I'm still learning about my feelings though.

 

[Unveiled Artist]

Sharing my experience. I went to the Coming Out Day gathering at Gallaudet University here in Washington D.C. Gallaudet is the most well-known university for Deaf and Hard of hearing students as well as hearing students going into Deaf studies.

While there, there were eight students in front of a good fifty group of students. Each were LGBTQ. They all shared their story. The experience strick me because in the Deaf Community, you already have the identity one has as a Deaf (rather than deaf) person. To understand and become involved within the community is like being involved in a full range of expression that I notice at least in the English language and probably vocal languages in general do not have.

In America, we tend to separate things. "I am gay. I am Christian. I am African American. I am a mother." We talk about these things as if they are separate entities like having different pockets in us.

I was watching and each student shared their coming out experience within their identity as a Deaf person. So, instead of saying "I am Deaf. I am gay." It was more, and I can't translate it in English well, "I am Deaf and within my identity or who I am as a Deaf person, I am gay, I am a student, x, y, and z." The translation is rough but there isn't an "and" in the equation. No "buts". Just one person.

So I "listened" to students talk about how their parents were more accepting of their sexual identity then their being Deaf. The lady said she felt like she was torn into two and "how can I separate myself like that?" she signs. Another person was struggling how to identify herself as a trans woman. But then when she did, it was more how can I see this as someone who is Deaf-someone who has to not just go through understanding the sexuality but how to express it in a language that's native to her. That IS her type of thing.

I tried to keep up and I'm still practicing to be fluent in ASL and more involved in the Deaf community. There is a shocking experience when you're in hearing in a Deaf community and still connect with everyone Deaf and not because of your experiences in this case coming out.

I thought I'd share. I'm not someone who can answer questions about Deaf culture and the community; but, my experiences are worth sharing.

 

[lovesong]

I never had a coming out and to be honest I don't think I ever will. While I did all my childhood sexual experimenting with girls and even my first relationship was with a girl, I never really considered myself (I still don't really) bi. There were times when I went back and forth between being straight and bi, with some of my LGBT friends telling me "the straight thing is just a phase, we all know you're bi, if you were once you always will be." Turns out they were right and when I hit college I got right back into being attracted to girls, but I still don't think I'll ever come out. The reason is because while I am bi, I really don't identify myself that way. I don't consider myself part of the LGBT community/circle/whatever, and when people ask about my sexuality I just say "eh, I'll f**k anything, guess you could say I'm bi then, I don't really care though." It really doesn't have anything to do with acceptance, I just don't think I'll ever be coming out because it just feels unnecessary, people don't really need to know what I do in my private time, which is all my bisexuality amounts to.