Or both?
Anything that moves away from intellectual rigidity and a one size fits all mentality is good.
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Conversion stories
- Thread starter Unveiled Artist
- Start date
Anything that moves away from intellectual rigidity and a one size fits all mentality is good.
Yes both semi tortured souls as well. Nietzches mental breakdown should be of deep interest to psychology but that's way too deep for the discipline. Nietzches issues are rooted in fear of becoming like his father all the way back to age 5. He battled that his whole life and ended up becoming exactly like his father. He forgot to breathe and the importance of that, and relied way to much on his intellectualizing. Kierkegaard I think had a sense that at least in religion that a something bigger than himself (nature) was true although he didn't identify that directly. John Muir is someone I have paid very close attention to and he is nearly identical to kierkegaard and nietzche neurological with a radically different outcome especially in context to nietzche.
Certain types must find an engagement directly with nature not filtered thru the intellect of culture such as science and religion or face self destruction. Thomas berry articulates this very well. I understand that voice Ness quality of nature and listen for that and to that. Musicians can be sensitive to that as well although it often Times is scrambled up by personal noise of the intellect. The below quote is actually theological heresy but it's written in such a way as to be acceptable.
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BilliardsBall
Veteran Member
I'm not sure I understand the OP, but benefits of salvation for me, post-conversion, include:
* transcendent peace
* improved relationships
* prosperity (in many areas, not just finances)
* enhanced wisdom and knowledge
And more.
I converted from evangelical to christadelphian and then to a generic christian. I would like to think that it will all add up for some important purpose, but I think I will have to be satisified just that it helps make me who I am. I count it as three conversions. My advice is that official conversion is painful rather than meaningful. Don't convert. If they really like you no conversion will be necessary. If a prayer could convert you we'd all be converted. Anyway no conversion is complete until you die no matter what anyone else says. Until your grave says what you converted to you aren't officially anything.
I am Italian-American, raised Roman Catholic. During my freshman year of high school I was introduced, via an after school group and activity to TM - Transcendental Meditation. I don't know if it was the genuine article, but it got me started. I became more interested in India, yoga, Indian music, Indian philosophy, and Hinduism. Even as a Christian I believed in the Hindu deities as manifestations of God. I could no longer buy into the Abrahamic concept of God and his worship. I coasted in neutral for a few years, actually about 10 years, as an "agnostic deist". One day in a new agey shop I saw some small colorful resin murthis... Shiva and family; Ganesha;, Krishna; Lakshmi. Those were the first four I got and made a small shrine for, which has since grown out of control with murthis and pictures of the deities I have an affinity for, and represent something in my life and personality. With that I've fully embraced Hinduism, with a side trip to Heathenry. I still worship Thor and revere the Norse gods. I also believe in and respect and revere many other gods, primarily Buddhist and Taoist, though I don't actively worship them.
In mathematics we have the Russell paradox unresolved.
Russell's paradox - Wikipedia
In linguistics we have the grelling Nelson paradox unresolved.
Grelling–Nelson paradox - Wikipedia
Russell's paradox - Wikipedia
In linguistics we have the grelling Nelson paradox unresolved.
Grelling–Nelson paradox - Wikipedia
Many of us won't be in graves. You think the soul has a religion?
Regiomontanus
Eastern Orthodox
I was an atheist for my first 40 years of life. But the more cosmology and physics I learn (I teach those subjects for a living) I realized that the only explanation for the universe we live in (indeed our existence) that makes sense is that there must have been some kind of creative intelligence behind it. God exists. The nature of God? I do not think our puny, finite minds can every really know.
Please consider my intent to be any sort of disposal not strictly graves and have no objection to cremation or other means of disposal of carcasses. Also to me the concept of a soul is very different from the egyptian concept of atman, and I think we neither disappear nor experience additional time but simply remain in our time. The Christian eternal life has a deeper meaning to me than a time extension and is about how we live now, and I consider those who do not think so to be uninformed -- caveat that I can always be incorrect. Its only my opinion, but I think we are already all dead from the perspective of future people. (Have you heard the song Don't Fear the Reaper ?) To me the word soul does not equate to an atman and speaks instead of other things. For instance if I have an idea or song, that idea can go on beyond my own experience. My death is not the end of a song I write or the memory I give to a child. For me, however, it is where I stop learning new things though I am not gone just buried in the past.
The Empress
New Member
Great question for discussion! I did when I studied it and it deeply resonated with me. Probably also because I come from a long blood-line of witches. It enabled a lot more stability in my life and has renewed/aligns with my personal purpose in life.
Yes, I knew what you meant about graves. It was just a reminder for readers that there are other methods. Once, in a small Alberta town, a long time ago, an angry old woman let my wife know, when she found out we were not Christian 'Don't expect us to allow you a spot in our graveyard" revealing her total ignorance of other faiths on death.
Yes, I agree that 'we' are dead if you mean the personality of this lifetime. I did not realise Egyptians had the concept of atman, so I'll have to go look it up to see if it's comparable to my faith at all.
Edited to add ... Certainly the most complex understanding of the soul I've ever read ... Ancient Egyptian concept of the soul - Wikipedia
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I think the practice of meditation can be akin to being immersed in nature. Attaining that space where in a detached manner we view our thoughts and feelings as we would watch the waters flow sitting upon the edge of a river.
Like Nietzsche many of us have experienced some injury that we need to rise above to live successfully. If unresolved meditation often becomes a journey into unsolved memories.
That is one of the best explanations I have heard on Meditation. I will pass it along. That's how the world changes.one tiny blip. Like Leonard cohen Said "everything has a crack in it, that's how the light gets in."
Soren kierkegaard said "prayer isn't for for God, it's for the person."
I would say religion can be a possibly very healthy thing, it's to bad that the patients too often believe they are doctors ignoring actual doctors such as John Muir. Doctors don't tell us what we want to hear they tell us what we need to hear. Odd how religion tends to work against itself sometimes. I find that curious.
lol. The best explanation...I don't know. I've learnt never to overrate myself by thank you all the same.
I worked as a psychiatry intern for 7 years and so mindfulness therapy that combined Buddhist meditation techniques with cognitive behavioural therapy was taught. I took it into my practice as a GP.
Prayer is for our own benefit for sure. God doesn't need our prayers but he asks us to pray to Him as an assistance for ourselves.
Religion based on the ancient texts (eg Christianity) appears to have become so thoroughly distorted in some countries (? USA and NZ) that having a reasoned discussion is just too hard. Its a sign of the times my friend. What do you think?
Unveiled Artist
Veteran Member
I notice conversion can either help people or make them worse, in my opinion. For example, someone who was Pagan here once talked well with the best of them. When the member became christian, they started talking christianese. More evangalist style. Others who say they were blindx convert to still belittle their former religion (say christiondom) as if it were positive to the one they follow. Its like once they convert, they are more negative than when they stayed.
Ive never converted before. Ive practiced Catholicism; but, I had no former religion. It was an inappropriate jump. When I realized I was sectioning myself off with sacrifical differences, the definition of sin, and picking apart what LGBTQ people are allowed to do in the Church, it made me feel bad so I left.
Guess you can say I converted to Buddhism. But, with that, was more of a revelation. I dont practice as much but the facts dont change based on my practice. Maturity mostly and non linear conversion views.
I can think of one convert here in the forum who stayed positive about Christianity after leaving it: Metis. He went from mainstream Christianity to Reform Jew, but his wife's Catholic. They both attend Catholic services. Take that to K-Mart, and see if they have any more for sale. I doubt it.
Keeping it short: I think we all like to point fingers. It feels nice to get concerned and feel worried about other people -- especially people we don't know. It makes us feel like we are doing something while we do nothing. I think if Christians were really being Christians we'd run ourselves off of our feet like mother Theresa. That is very difficult however, and boring. I have a favorite quote from Jeremiah that goes "The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked. Who can know it?" I really think Jeremiah had a moment of genius when he said that. I sure hope its a correct translation from Hebrew, but even if not I think its a true statement.
Seems like masters of many faiths always want you to jump through flaming hoops before they'll tell you what they mean about anything. Have you ever heard of the Labyrinth? Its a symbol that looks like a maze. The concept of the Labyrinth is ancient. They tell you it represents 'Eternity', but there obviously must be an inner interpretation. You're a student, and you wear this labyrinth symbol not knowing that it means they're not being straight with you. They're sending you through the maze to watch you. Until you've shown yourself to be the right pupil, truly sincere, clever, hard working, you never get to the center of the labyrinth, but when you do you find that at the center was just common sense to begin with only now you are dedicated to this particular labyrinth. You find, so to speak, that the treasure at the X on the map was not gold but virtue -- that and an association of similar people. I think many traditions borrow from the Labyrinth. Buddhism for example has all these texts: texts, text, texts! "You haven't read enough texts, yet!" Its also got other humongous tasks like learning to meditate in certain ways "Keep trying and you will manage to do long multiplication in your head while sitting upon three tacks! Only then will you be ready!" I think the Buddhist masters got so enamored of the labyrinth that it enabled someone to get the idea for Zen. (I am making a joke.)
Yes and BTW mindfulness is rooted in thich nhat han I believe that's the spelling who was introduced to the West by Thomas Merton who was influenced by St There. Not all of religion Is sideways but yes it's very sideways in general.
Time...... There are two ways of understanding time. The ancient world understood this directly today we are befuddled by it and only understand one framework for time and that's chronos. Money work and all of the chronos based aspects to daily life drown out kairos. Einstein stated what was known thousan
ds of years ago chronos is relative subjective to the observer. Pre literate culture o ly understood kairos we had no view that was chronos. So the problem is in there somewhere.
Norse belief about the soul is a little more involved also:
The Self and Its Parts - Norse Mythology for Smart People
Miracle
Christian
SALVATION EXPERIENCE
I was born into a Christian household; despite my parents being Pastors, prayer warriors, and deliverance ministers, I was not born again, not a Christian. Because of this, I was not allowed to do anything in the church; collect the offering, teach people the word of God, etc.. [And how could I if I had never witnessed God? How could I if I never kept his commandments? How could I if I lived contrary to his will?] At home, I always argued with my parents, sometimes getting ready to fight them, if need be. I dreaded family devotion, where I would sit for hours (3-4hrs) as my parents taught us the will of God. However, it never stopped me from doing bad things or thinking that God didn’t exist.
Until there was a day that my mother, my siblings and I were talking about all the things we used to and still did (at that time) behind her back. I confessed the books I used to read; the romantic ones that always talked about sex. The mangas I used to read; also about sex and Yaoi (gay manga). Pornography and movies that had sex scenes as well. I told her how I use to swear, wear short skirts and low cut shirts to get guys attention. About rap, gothic and/or emo music I used to listen to; how I tried to kill myself but didn't have the gut to do it; when I dreamed of having sex with guys and when I wanted to become a prostitute (committing abortions if I ever got pregnant). I told her about my longing to do all kinds of drugs, alcohol and about wanting to smoke; about sex-texting with multiple guys online (I never sent any pictures to anyone but I wanted to), masturbation, etc. I told her everything.
What amazed me was that she never shouted at me, though she was saddened by what she heard, she never threatened to abuse me or kick me out of the house. I remember telling her about the times I would engage in conversations with voices in my head till I felt like I would run mad, eyes that seemed to follow me anywhere I went, and when I would promise myself not to die so I wouldn't go to Hell. But later forget because I no longer cared if I lived or died. Despite it all, she told me that if I were to die in that state, I would go to Hell, that there would be no more mercy. Then she asked me if I wanted to give my life to Jesus Christ and I thought, "Sure, why not? If I don't like it then I can always go back to the way I was before." It didn't seem a problem to me that I was going to Hell or I didn't allow it to be a problem.
My mother told me to kneel down and began to lead me into prayer with the words, "In Jesus name we pray. Amen." She introduced me to Jesus Christ and from there told me to acknowledge that I had sinned against God. At first I thought it wasn't anything serious, you know, that nothing would happen that I wouldn't feel different. But as I began to confess my sins to Jesus Christ, the thought that he did exist, the slight chance that maybe he was alive took hold on my mind and my disinterested confessions turned into passtionate cries of forgiveness.
As I prayed, I knew without a doubt that I was a sinner and that I had sinned against God; that the life I lived displeased him. I recalled everything I told my mother and the others I didnt remember or confess out of fear. Kneeling there, I knew I wouldn't make it to Heaven if I were to die and it both frightened and saddened me.
After confessing, I began to ask Jesus Christ to forgive me; to come into my life, to cleanse, and change me. As we continued to pray, I began to feel a heavy weight on my back, it was so heavy that my head was pressed firmly to the ground and my legs buckled under me. Then, with eyes closed, I began to see myself surrounded by flames, my hands were chained and it felt as though my feet were chained as well. It was then I knew that I was locked in a cage.
Although I could not feel the flames, I did feel heat, a presence, above my head. Though I tried to raise my head, I could not look up for the weight on my back kept my face towards the ground. Immediately, as I felt this heat, I knew it was Jesus Christ. I don't know how, but I knew that Jesus was there and with that knowledge, I screamed "Jesus! Help me! Please, save me!" I confessed that I was a sinner and that only he could save me from my sins. With that, fire – liquid fire – washed all over my body, from my head to my feet; It covered my arms and legs and the heavy burden on my back vanished.
Once the prayer was concluded again with a final, "In Jesus name we pray. Amen." I got up and as soon as I did it felt like I was walking on clouds. As though I was about to walk through the floor and I felt so clean and fresh. The room appeared brighter than usual, as if eyes had been closed for a long time.
Since then [December, 19, 2012], I have felt heat (sometimes restting on my heart) any time I pray and anytime my life is pleasing God. Not everyone has had this kind of experience, some have seen themselves before the presence of God, with Heavenly entourages and an image of themselves covered in leprosy. While others have had hatred for the devil and a desire for revenge. Others have seen the devil and some have not seen anything but felt peace and joy. What makes their salvation experience true is that they live according to the word of God. They do not live in sin; one of the Hallmarks of Christianity.
No doubt people have had their own experience, however, what distinguishes it from God influenced or Satan/the devil/lucifer/the dragon influenced is if they are following the bible completely and if they are living without sin.
God works in mysterious ways, we can't begin to comprehend God. It is only through grace and the Holy Spirit can we truly know the Lord God Almighty. Thank you for reading.
I was born into a Christian household; despite my parents being Pastors, prayer warriors, and deliverance ministers, I was not born again, not a Christian. Because of this, I was not allowed to do anything in the church; collect the offering, teach people the word of God, etc.. [And how could I if I had never witnessed God? How could I if I never kept his commandments? How could I if I lived contrary to his will?] At home, I always argued with my parents, sometimes getting ready to fight them, if need be. I dreaded family devotion, where I would sit for hours (3-4hrs) as my parents taught us the will of God. However, it never stopped me from doing bad things or thinking that God didn’t exist.
Until there was a day that my mother, my siblings and I were talking about all the things we used to and still did (at that time) behind her back. I confessed the books I used to read; the romantic ones that always talked about sex. The mangas I used to read; also about sex and Yaoi (gay manga). Pornography and movies that had sex scenes as well. I told her how I use to swear, wear short skirts and low cut shirts to get guys attention. About rap, gothic and/or emo music I used to listen to; how I tried to kill myself but didn't have the gut to do it; when I dreamed of having sex with guys and when I wanted to become a prostitute (committing abortions if I ever got pregnant). I told her about my longing to do all kinds of drugs, alcohol and about wanting to smoke; about sex-texting with multiple guys online (I never sent any pictures to anyone but I wanted to), masturbation, etc. I told her everything.
What amazed me was that she never shouted at me, though she was saddened by what she heard, she never threatened to abuse me or kick me out of the house. I remember telling her about the times I would engage in conversations with voices in my head till I felt like I would run mad, eyes that seemed to follow me anywhere I went, and when I would promise myself not to die so I wouldn't go to Hell. But later forget because I no longer cared if I lived or died. Despite it all, she told me that if I were to die in that state, I would go to Hell, that there would be no more mercy. Then she asked me if I wanted to give my life to Jesus Christ and I thought, "Sure, why not? If I don't like it then I can always go back to the way I was before." It didn't seem a problem to me that I was going to Hell or I didn't allow it to be a problem.
My mother told me to kneel down and began to lead me into prayer with the words, "In Jesus name we pray. Amen." She introduced me to Jesus Christ and from there told me to acknowledge that I had sinned against God. At first I thought it wasn't anything serious, you know, that nothing would happen that I wouldn't feel different. But as I began to confess my sins to Jesus Christ, the thought that he did exist, the slight chance that maybe he was alive took hold on my mind and my disinterested confessions turned into passtionate cries of forgiveness.
As I prayed, I knew without a doubt that I was a sinner and that I had sinned against God; that the life I lived displeased him. I recalled everything I told my mother and the others I didnt remember or confess out of fear. Kneeling there, I knew I wouldn't make it to Heaven if I were to die and it both frightened and saddened me.
After confessing, I began to ask Jesus Christ to forgive me; to come into my life, to cleanse, and change me. As we continued to pray, I began to feel a heavy weight on my back, it was so heavy that my head was pressed firmly to the ground and my legs buckled under me. Then, with eyes closed, I began to see myself surrounded by flames, my hands were chained and it felt as though my feet were chained as well. It was then I knew that I was locked in a cage.
Although I could not feel the flames, I did feel heat, a presence, above my head. Though I tried to raise my head, I could not look up for the weight on my back kept my face towards the ground. Immediately, as I felt this heat, I knew it was Jesus Christ. I don't know how, but I knew that Jesus was there and with that knowledge, I screamed "Jesus! Help me! Please, save me!" I confessed that I was a sinner and that only he could save me from my sins. With that, fire – liquid fire – washed all over my body, from my head to my feet; It covered my arms and legs and the heavy burden on my back vanished.
Once the prayer was concluded again with a final, "In Jesus name we pray. Amen." I got up and as soon as I did it felt like I was walking on clouds. As though I was about to walk through the floor and I felt so clean and fresh. The room appeared brighter than usual, as if eyes had been closed for a long time.
Since then [December, 19, 2012], I have felt heat (sometimes restting on my heart) any time I pray and anytime my life is pleasing God. Not everyone has had this kind of experience, some have seen themselves before the presence of God, with Heavenly entourages and an image of themselves covered in leprosy. While others have had hatred for the devil and a desire for revenge. Others have seen the devil and some have not seen anything but felt peace and joy. What makes their salvation experience true is that they live according to the word of God. They do not live in sin; one of the Hallmarks of Christianity.
No doubt people have had their own experience, however, what distinguishes it from God influenced or Satan/the devil/lucifer/the dragon influenced is if they are following the bible completely and if they are living without sin.
God works in mysterious ways, we can't begin to comprehend God. It is only through grace and the Holy Spirit can we truly know the Lord God Almighty. Thank you for reading.
(@Tumah, @Akivah, you guys have been tagged in this but it's long and may be of little interest to you; feel free to skip).
My story is quite long. I've always been interested in religion and I remember asking for my first Bible when I was 6. I received a Children's Illustrated Bible and I wore it out in weeks. I went through basic versions of well-known stories such as Creation, the flood, Joseph etc. There were obviously also some Jesus stories in there too, but I always remember finding Jesus a little offputting and I'll come back to that later.
I recall talking with G-d a lot as a child. I had an upbringing that was a mix of incredibly privileged and incredibly dark. I remember often talking with HaShem in my room at night when no-one could hear me and sometimes I used to sing too. My bedroom was downstairs and the other family members all slept upstairs, so it was well no-one heard me. This was from age six.
When I was 9, for Christmas my step-grandma gave us each a Bible (there were 3 children, including me). I was ecstatic. The twins were happy they had a new Nintendo platform; I was overjoyed I finally had a real Bible. It was a classic Authorised Version and it’s sitting right next to me this very moment. Naturally I started at Genesis and read about Creation etc. and was already familiar with these narratives through my Children’s Bible. I also attended a Primary School at which we used to sing hymns every week in assembly, say grace before lunch and go to the Harvest Festival at the local kirk. We were not formally a religious school; we had no affiliation to the C of E or any Catholic institutions, but the school was quietly religious.
This may seem extraneous but all these things led to my acceptance of theism, at least. I wasn’t brainwashed into it; no-one forced me to go to church (schoolkids could opt out) or read the Bible or any related activities – I chose to do these things for myself and, though a child, reached my conclusion there is G-d.
However, when I was 10 I reached the conclusion that I did not believe the Jesus narrative. I always had a strong, strong attachment to the things I read in the Hebrew Scriptures and the G-d described therein, but to Jesus I had no love. The idea that I should pray to a man who, to me, was a dead bloke, seemed crazy. He did not resemble the G-d I read about in the other scriptures. This might have had something to do with the fact (and I am merely making conjecture here) that I had a rather mixed and often dark childhood, that I felt far more connected to a G-d who I felt would fight for me and intervene in my life, than the pacifism and suffering I read and heard about in the Jesus stories. That did not resonate with me at all. I did not want to suffer any more (and I was not a pacifistic kid!).
This in mind, one breaktime at school I approached my religious education teacher, who was doing duty, and told her my beliefs. I told her that I believe the Bible but not the Jesus bits. I said, What does that make me? She said (in brief), That’s a Jewish belief. My ten year old mind relaxed, and I applied to myself just that label.
Now I’m going to have to skip ages 11-17 because that would take far too much effort to write and not really mean much, but suffice it to say I had a fundamentalist Christian phase and then, finally, my atheist phase, which is where I’ll begin again.
I was 18 and had basically just left college (this is the British equivalent of what Americans would usually call High School, and caters for ages 16-19 generally). All my friends bar one had trotted away to University and I was on my own. My one friend left lived around a half-hour drive away so it was not easy seeing her. Now, for reasons I will not extrapolate, my mother had long ago decided to do all the house as if it were 1939 and at this time we had no internet. My phone was mostly useless to me because I never had credit. Both these things because we were broke; I’d always had the internet before. Combine this with the fact that my mom and I were not very close at all, she has mental health and personality issues, and there was a cocktail brewing. I was still in my atheist phase and this took a dark turn sometime halfway through my 18th year. I fell into total nihilism, and a numbing depression the likes of which now, as I have people around me who care, would have landed me in some serious therapy. I lost my ability to think straight and ended up having delusions that I’d done things I hadn’t; I had visions and recurrent suicidal thoughts. And I had no-one to share this hell with. Then one of my friends came back in the summer and returned to me a book I’d loaned her, which I’d forgotten about entirely. It is ‘A History of God’ by Karen Armstrong. Now, I know a lot of folks on here have views one way or the other about Armstrong, but this book was definitely what I needed at the time. It showed me that the one-dimensional view I’d gained of G-d during my teenage years was wrong and that this nasty, cruel Christian vision I’d worshipped was definitely not real, but that G-d was far beyond anything I’d been trying to grasp.
Then, somehow, I turned to the NIV Bible. I don’t know how because I hate, and always have hated, that pile-of-poo of a translation, yet I held it. I read Job, for some reason, and for some other reason, regained my faith tenfold. It had nothing to do with the suffering or the righteousness or anything like that, but, again, more with the idea that G-d is more than anything than I can comprehend. I needed that drumming into me, apparently, and if no human was going to do it then HaShem Himself would do it.
But then came the hard part. Christianity? Or what? So now I began reading to know. I had no internet so of course I turned to the Bible for something to interest me. I used to sit in-front of the fire day after day with the scriptures and read them. On better days I would sit on the green by the kirk and read sometimes literally from morning til evening. When I saw the sun fading I knew it was time to go home. My mind was unsettled. I could not see Jesus anywhere, but that was the faith of my culture and I willed it to be the right one, as we do. I remember desperately wanting a knowledgable Jewish person there to help me understand the scriptures because, whilst I could of course comprehend on a basic, literal level, I still did not understand.
One day as I was walking home from the kirk, I remember thinking to myself a profound thought for me. If, I mused, if G-d is good, and just, all I need to do is believe in Him and be good. I had become...a Noahide! Sort of. I comforted myself with this and kept reading til I finished all the (Jewish) scriptures. In my mind though, deep within, I was still unsettled, however.
I moved in with my grandparents and my dad not long after. I regained the internet, started posting on RF again and somehow found myself lured into ‘Messianic Judaism’ ew, spit. I fell back into Christianity, was a Zoroastrian for a while, but never felt truly comfortable. I was talking with some of the Jews here, namely @Tumah and @Akivah. I was struggling hard between Christianity and Noahidism; Tumah received the brunt of this and my midnight messages and whatever else nonsense I sent him in my confusion. He made a good point and if I may quote him,
“But just be sure to fully explore why Christianity explains things the way they do. Imagine 3 weeks down the line, someone gives you a great explanation that takes care of some issues and then you start the whole cycle all over again.”
I found Christianity wanting then and still I find it wanting now. The night he said that I became a Noahide and have been since.
My story is quite long. I've always been interested in religion and I remember asking for my first Bible when I was 6. I received a Children's Illustrated Bible and I wore it out in weeks. I went through basic versions of well-known stories such as Creation, the flood, Joseph etc. There were obviously also some Jesus stories in there too, but I always remember finding Jesus a little offputting and I'll come back to that later.
I recall talking with G-d a lot as a child. I had an upbringing that was a mix of incredibly privileged and incredibly dark. I remember often talking with HaShem in my room at night when no-one could hear me and sometimes I used to sing too. My bedroom was downstairs and the other family members all slept upstairs, so it was well no-one heard me. This was from age six.
When I was 9, for Christmas my step-grandma gave us each a Bible (there were 3 children, including me). I was ecstatic. The twins were happy they had a new Nintendo platform; I was overjoyed I finally had a real Bible. It was a classic Authorised Version and it’s sitting right next to me this very moment. Naturally I started at Genesis and read about Creation etc. and was already familiar with these narratives through my Children’s Bible. I also attended a Primary School at which we used to sing hymns every week in assembly, say grace before lunch and go to the Harvest Festival at the local kirk. We were not formally a religious school; we had no affiliation to the C of E or any Catholic institutions, but the school was quietly religious.
This may seem extraneous but all these things led to my acceptance of theism, at least. I wasn’t brainwashed into it; no-one forced me to go to church (schoolkids could opt out) or read the Bible or any related activities – I chose to do these things for myself and, though a child, reached my conclusion there is G-d.
However, when I was 10 I reached the conclusion that I did not believe the Jesus narrative. I always had a strong, strong attachment to the things I read in the Hebrew Scriptures and the G-d described therein, but to Jesus I had no love. The idea that I should pray to a man who, to me, was a dead bloke, seemed crazy. He did not resemble the G-d I read about in the other scriptures. This might have had something to do with the fact (and I am merely making conjecture here) that I had a rather mixed and often dark childhood, that I felt far more connected to a G-d who I felt would fight for me and intervene in my life, than the pacifism and suffering I read and heard about in the Jesus stories. That did not resonate with me at all. I did not want to suffer any more (and I was not a pacifistic kid!).
This in mind, one breaktime at school I approached my religious education teacher, who was doing duty, and told her my beliefs. I told her that I believe the Bible but not the Jesus bits. I said, What does that make me? She said (in brief), That’s a Jewish belief. My ten year old mind relaxed, and I applied to myself just that label.
Now I’m going to have to skip ages 11-17 because that would take far too much effort to write and not really mean much, but suffice it to say I had a fundamentalist Christian phase and then, finally, my atheist phase, which is where I’ll begin again.
I was 18 and had basically just left college (this is the British equivalent of what Americans would usually call High School, and caters for ages 16-19 generally). All my friends bar one had trotted away to University and I was on my own. My one friend left lived around a half-hour drive away so it was not easy seeing her. Now, for reasons I will not extrapolate, my mother had long ago decided to do all the house as if it were 1939 and at this time we had no internet. My phone was mostly useless to me because I never had credit. Both these things because we were broke; I’d always had the internet before. Combine this with the fact that my mom and I were not very close at all, she has mental health and personality issues, and there was a cocktail brewing. I was still in my atheist phase and this took a dark turn sometime halfway through my 18th year. I fell into total nihilism, and a numbing depression the likes of which now, as I have people around me who care, would have landed me in some serious therapy. I lost my ability to think straight and ended up having delusions that I’d done things I hadn’t; I had visions and recurrent suicidal thoughts. And I had no-one to share this hell with. Then one of my friends came back in the summer and returned to me a book I’d loaned her, which I’d forgotten about entirely. It is ‘A History of God’ by Karen Armstrong. Now, I know a lot of folks on here have views one way or the other about Armstrong, but this book was definitely what I needed at the time. It showed me that the one-dimensional view I’d gained of G-d during my teenage years was wrong and that this nasty, cruel Christian vision I’d worshipped was definitely not real, but that G-d was far beyond anything I’d been trying to grasp.
Then, somehow, I turned to the NIV Bible. I don’t know how because I hate, and always have hated, that pile-of-poo of a translation, yet I held it. I read Job, for some reason, and for some other reason, regained my faith tenfold. It had nothing to do with the suffering or the righteousness or anything like that, but, again, more with the idea that G-d is more than anything than I can comprehend. I needed that drumming into me, apparently, and if no human was going to do it then HaShem Himself would do it.
But then came the hard part. Christianity? Or what? So now I began reading to know. I had no internet so of course I turned to the Bible for something to interest me. I used to sit in-front of the fire day after day with the scriptures and read them. On better days I would sit on the green by the kirk and read sometimes literally from morning til evening. When I saw the sun fading I knew it was time to go home. My mind was unsettled. I could not see Jesus anywhere, but that was the faith of my culture and I willed it to be the right one, as we do. I remember desperately wanting a knowledgable Jewish person there to help me understand the scriptures because, whilst I could of course comprehend on a basic, literal level, I still did not understand.
One day as I was walking home from the kirk, I remember thinking to myself a profound thought for me. If, I mused, if G-d is good, and just, all I need to do is believe in Him and be good. I had become...a Noahide! Sort of. I comforted myself with this and kept reading til I finished all the (Jewish) scriptures. In my mind though, deep within, I was still unsettled, however.
I moved in with my grandparents and my dad not long after. I regained the internet, started posting on RF again and somehow found myself lured into ‘Messianic Judaism’ ew, spit. I fell back into Christianity, was a Zoroastrian for a while, but never felt truly comfortable. I was talking with some of the Jews here, namely @Tumah and @Akivah. I was struggling hard between Christianity and Noahidism; Tumah received the brunt of this and my midnight messages and whatever else nonsense I sent him in my confusion. He made a good point and if I may quote him,
“But just be sure to fully explore why Christianity explains things the way they do. Imagine 3 weeks down the line, someone gives you a great explanation that takes care of some issues and then you start the whole cycle all over again.”
I found Christianity wanting then and still I find it wanting now. The night he said that I became a Noahide and have been since.
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