Dealing with conflicting levels of observance in the home.....

[Tarheeler]

So we've had a lot of changes in our lives over the last couple of months.
My wife and youngest children converted back in April.
Our rabbi and close friend married us in May.
We moved to New York in July.

We're currently staying with an amazing family (the parents of the formentioned rabbi) who are much more observant than us. That, coupled with the opportunity to be more observant, has led my family to be more observant. There are synagogues within walking distance, daily minyans in the morning and evening, and kosher food everywhere (there was a kosher schnitzel food truck parked on 6th Ave that was out of this world).

What we're finding though is that my wife and I have differing ideas of where we want to be. For instance, we both agree that we want a kosher home, but disagree when it comes to only eating in kosher resturants. We both agree with not working on Shabbat and Jewish holidays, but disagree with how those days are to be spent.

What I would like to discuss is how we deal with these issues. Compromise? Alternating allowances? Different synagogues and circles?

 

[Lyndon]

Is vegetarian food usually kosher, or does dairy and eggs have to be kosher? Could eating vegetarian or vegan food allow you to eat at non kosher restaurants?

 

[MARCELLO]

What do you mean by ''My wife and youngest children converted back in April'' Converted back to Judaism?

 

[Tarheeler]

What do you mean by ''My wife and youngest children converted back in April'' Converted back to Judaism?

My statement means that my wife and children converted to Judism this past April.

 

[MARCELLO]

My statement means that my wife and children converted to Judism this past April.

Congrats for you and for your most loved ones.

 

[RabbiO]

We're currently staying with an amazing family (the parents of the formentioned rabbi) who are much more observant than us. That, coupled with the opportunity to be more observant, has led my family to be more observant. There are synagogues within walking distance, daily minyans in the morning and evening, and kosher food everywhere (there was a kosher schnitzel food truck parked on 6th Ave that was out of this world).

What we're finding though is that my wife and I have differing ideas of where we want to be. For instance, we both agree that we want a kosher home, but disagree when it comes to only eating in kosher restaurants. We both agree with not working on Shabbat and Jewish holidays, but disagree with how those days are to be spent.

What I would like to discuss is how we deal with these issues. Compromise? Alternating allowances? Different synagogues and circles?

There is a book, Two Jews Can Still Be A Mixed Marriage, by Azriela Jaffe. Subtitled, "Reconciling Differences Over Judaism In Your Marriage," it carries praise from across the Jewish spectrum including such diverse rabbis as David Wolpe, Golde Milgrim, Arthur Waskow and Joseph Telushkin. It came out in 2000. I think you and your wife might find the book useful, if for nothing more, as a starting point to define issues and create strategies for dealing with your differences.

If you were to poke your head into my office and verbally set forth what you have written above, the first thing I would do is ask when you and your wife could come in to begin a discussion with me regarding the issues confronting you or when it would be convenient for me to stop by to see the two of you. Obviously that is not going to happen because I live in a galaxy far far away. Well, maybe not quite that far, but too far away to have that kind of interaction. As a consequence any advice given here on the forum would necessarily be painted with a very broad brush. Furthermore, without a bit more specificity as to the nature of your differences, I would be hesitant to say more.

 

[MARCELLO]

Will your converso family really be accepted by the Jewish community? I am talking about a by heart acceptance.

 

[RabbiO]

Will your converso family really be accepted by the Jewish community? I am talking about a by heart acceptance.

There is a thread in the Orthodox DIR that you might want to take a look at.

 

[Tarheeler]

Will your converso family really be accepted by the Jewish community? I am talking about a by heart acceptance.

"Heart acceptance"?

We converted under unaffiliated rabbis at a conservative synagogue. Our conversions are seen as valid to just about all conservative, reform, and reconstructionist Jews. And we've found individual orthodox Jews to quite excepting as well even if the Orthodox movement itself does not recognize them.

 

[Tarheeler]

There is a book, Two Jews Can Still Be A Mixed Marriage, by Azriela Jaffe. Subtitled, "Reconciling Differences Over Judaism In Your Marriage," it carries praise from across the Jewish spectrum including such diverse rabbis as David Wolpe, Golde Milgrim, Arthur Waskow and Joseph Telushkin. It came out in 2000. I think you and your wife might find the book useful, if for nothing more, as a starting point to define issues and create strategies for dealing with your differences.

If you were to poke your head into my office and verbally set forth what you have written above, the first thing I would do is ask when you and your wife could come in to begin a discussion with me regarding the issues confronting you or when it would be convenient for me to stop by to see the two of you. Obviously that is not going to happen because I live in a galaxy far far away. Well, maybe not quite that far, but too far away to have that kind of interaction. As a consequence any advice given here on the forum would necessarily be painted with a very broad brush. Furthermore, without a bit more specificity as to the nature of your differences, I would be hesitant to say more.

Thank you, rabbi. I'll look for the book.

 

[Zardoz]

...What I would like to discuss is how we deal with these issues. Compromise? Alternating allowances? Different synagogues and circles?

It's a process, decide which are the most important issues and work on coming to an agreement on those first.
It may be that each of you can compromise on issues you feel are less important for issues you feel are more important.
Some things you might not ever agree on, and that's OK too, at least you will both know the other's POV.

 

[RocketJSquirell]

This is no different than any of the other matters upon which one must compromise when one gets married. It is best to try to decide these things before hand but they tend to work themselves out. Start with a kosher home since you both agree on that. then move on from there. It is easy to find kosher restaruants in NYC but when you venture further out you may find that you will need to compromise to vegetarian

 

[metis]

This is no different than any of the other matters upon which one must compromise when one gets married. It is best to try to decide these things before hand but they tend to work themselves out. Start with a kosher home since you both agree on that. then move on from there. It is easy to find kosher restaruants in NYC but when you venture further out you may find that you will need to compromise to vegetarian

Welcome RJS!

 

[RocketJSquirell]

Hi. Are you who I think you are?

 

[metis]

Hi. Are you who I think you are?

Yep, just a different screen-name. I'm sure you'll be a welcomed addition here at RF.