Dealing with death as an atheist

[Deidre]

Whatever causes no annoyance when it is present, causes only a groundless pain in the expectation.

This. Wow, so very profound. Thx Mequa.

I'd like to see his thoughts on mourning the death of a loved one. How to cope with such things, when one no longer believes in an after life.

 

[Mequa]

I already quoted a portion covering mourning the death of a loved one. Here it is again:

"Their enjoyment of the fullest intimacy was such that, if one of them died before his time, the survivors did not mourn his death as if it called for sympathy."

(Replace "hers" for "his" as appropriate.)

 

[Deidre]

Your nana gets to live on in so many ways - you and your kids will have some of her genes, and parts of your very nature and personality come from her. We are immortal. Your genes have lived since they were blue/green bacteria, in millions of years who knows what marvels they will metamorphosise into?

I'm single and don't plan on getting married or having kids, but what a beautiful thing to think about in this light! {{{thank you}}}

My father died a few years ago, but there is still a great deal of him in me, and in my son.

I'm sorry for your loss, and in a way, that seems like a different way of viewing eternal life. I'm seeing it that way, anyhow.

It is immortality, but in a greater - bigger picture sense. Not some fantasy of paradise, but the immeasurable majesty of the perpetuation of genetic material in this astonishing universe.

Yes, why must we believe in a fantasy when it comes to an 'eternal life?' I've often pondered the science of the whole thing. Energy cannot be created nor destroyed...so where does our energy go, when we die?

Thank you for your thoughts.

 

[Rick O'Shez]

...so where does our energy go, when we die?

We really don't know, but I think it's OK to allow for the possibility that it might go somewhere. If that helps.

 

[Deidre]

We really don't know, but I think it's OK to allow for the possibility that it might go somewhere. If that helps.

Helps a lot. I believe in a universe of possibilities, yes

 

[Monk Of Reason]

I agree, religion never helped me process this stuff any better. You're right, I need to find a way to best process this so I can cope, because right now, I'm not processing this. She has been sick off and on for about 4 years, and she's had great days where you can reminisce and other days when she barely knows who you are. But, you never think time will run out, and she has rapidly declined since Thanksgiving. I think to all the time I've wasted on people who have hurt me, mistreated me, on and on it goes...and I sit here thinking...I can't get all of that time back. And if we're fortunate to live a good, long life like my grandmother...I don't want to look back over all that ground I've covered, with regret.

I just don't like pain, though...no one does. And today, I'm just feeling the worry come over me, of her leaving soon and can't stop crying. :/

This is part of the rough patches that make life hard. I really do wish there were words to help you and maybe they are out there. Make sure to feel your feelings. Really feel them. Let them mean something. So long as you keep breathing and moving forward anything life throws at you.

Another thing that helps me personally is comedy. Let it mean something but still be able to laugh. Its not like any of us are going to make it out of this world alive.

 

[Deidre]

Well, I'm at this new year's party with friends and my dad called me to let me know my grandmother died about an hour ago. I thought I was ready, but I was planning to see her tomorrow. Spend the day with her. I should've gone today and I didn't.

Cherish the time you have with whoever means a lot to you. <3

May she rest in peace now, at least she's not suffering anymore.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts on all this.

 

[Monk Of Reason]

Well, I'm at this new year's party with friends and my dad called me to let me know my grandmother died about an hour ago. I thought I was ready, but I was planning to see her tomorrow. Spend the day with her. I should've gone today and I didn't.

Cherish the time you have with whoever means a lot to you. <3

May she rest in peace now, at least she's not suffering anymore.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts on all this.

Happy new year. Have a great year. And take note to remember your grandmother every new-years eve from now on. To humor me just imagine yourself on December 31st of 2015 exactly a year from now. Picture yourself remembering your grandmother and remembering what you did over the past year and how much you missed her during that year. But how it was a great year to be alive.

 

[Deidre]

Happy new year. Have a great year. And take note to remember your grandmother every new-years eve from now on. To humor me just imagine yourself on December 31st of 2015 exactly a year from now. Picture yourself remembering your grandmother and remembering what you did over the past year and how much you missed her during that year. But how it was a great year to be alive.

lol Okay.

One thing is for certain, I'll never forget this night.

 

[Rick O'Shez]

May she rest in peace now, at least she's not suffering anymore.

That at least is a comforting thought. Sorry for your loss.

 

[Deidre]

That at least is a comforting thought. Sorry for your loss.

Thank you...

 

[Unveiled Artist]

I understand. I am grieving too. That sounds like a hard situation and question, rather to answer. I don't call myself an atheist; but, I don't believe in deities. I do pray, though. So, if I thought about God, He would be life (in my signature) and when I pray, I'm directing my prayers to life in general. It sounds like a weird thing. You can meditate through speaking out loud and see it as that. And your family member "hearing your prayers" is another way of knowing inside that your prayer/meditation is making you feel at peace with your loved one and with yourself; that is how they hear you in a non-religious point of view.

If you believe God could exist, I would not think He would be mad. I believe everyone is in different places in their belief in life and it doesn't have to be religious. I guess you'll know if "God" is mad at you is if you feel uncomfortable or guilty for something you believe you may have done differently.

In atheistic terms, its psychological. Looking at it from a psychological perspective could help you see how people translate their emotions and experiences to religious belief and see how you relate to those.

Take care of yourself.

I was raised in a Christian home, indoctrinated if you will. I never really believed in places like heaven or hell, even as a Christian. I've been deconverted for about four years, and have identified myself as an atheist for about two of those years. I'm not a 'hard-lined' atheist per se, but the concept of an after life never brought me any comfort when I dealt with a friend's death from cancer, or an uncle who died suddenly in a car wreck. The idea of an afterlife always seemed at best presumptuous, at worst a flat out lie.

''He's going to a better place,'' just seems like such a cop out when it comes to grief, and mourning.

My grandmother is dying, she is in hospice care now. She means a lot to me, she always believed in me. I'm close to her, and I want to pray for her, but don't know what to say as an atheist. Can an atheist pray for a dying person? I don't know. If a god exists, would he hear me? Would he be mad at me for turning my back on him?

I'm an atheist, but I'm open to the idea that 'something' somewhere...might exist...beyond this universe. I wanted to ask the atheists here, how do you process situations like this? Death? Calamity? Suffering?

I'm of the belief that we should do away with funerals, and instead have parties that are a celebration of life for the person you love. I have been crying off and on for weeks over this, and why? I guess death marks a transition for us too. We are losing someone we dearly love and I want my grandmother to be out of her pain, that she has been suffering in for a few years now. So is it selfish to not want her to go?

And suppose there is no heaven, the finality of that hits home that I will never see her again.

How to process all of this an atheist, is the question.

 

[Deidre]

I understand. I am grieving too. That sounds like a hard situation and question, rather to answer. I don't call myself an atheist; but, I don't believe in deities. I do pray, though. So, if I thought about God, He would be life (in my signature) and when I pray, I'm directing my prayers to life in general. It sounds like a weird thing. You can meditate through speaking out loud and see it as that. And your family member "hearing your prayers" is another way of knowing inside that your prayer/meditation is making you feel at peace with your loved one and with yourself; that is how they hear you in a non-religious point of view.

If you believe God could exist, I would not think He would be mad. I believe everyone is in different places in their belief in life and it doesn't have to be religious. I guess you'll know if "God" is mad at you is if you feel uncomfortable or guilty for something you believe you may have done differently.

In atheistic terms, its psychological. Looking at it from a psychological perspective could help you see how people translate their emotions and experiences to religious belief and see how you relate to those.

Take care of yourself.

I really really really like your comment. I've read it a few times. Thank you for taking the time to put this into words. It's amazing how we all have different views on this, yet the same. I think about qhat you're saying here, and think this is quite beautiful, how you put it all. I've been in a fog today, an absolute fog. Can't explain it. I started a blog/journal here to kind of refocus some energy, but I've slipped back into the fog. Maybe too, we just need to feel this way until we no longer do. When I was a Christian, I read the book...''A Grief Observed,'' by CS Lewis, and it goes to show theist or not...we all have to mourn in our own way. ((hugs))

 

[Laika]

I haven't faced the death of a loved one, so I don't know if I can add anything beyond saying I'm sorry for your loss.

As an Atheist I recognize that death is so overwhelming on an individual level that it cannot really be understood rationally and really calls on finding some deeper power within us to go on. Trying to make some sense of it in some 'bigger picture' may obscure it's meaning, and in that sense, I would say that death is the hardest question of all because we naturally want to be happy and to love, and yet face pain and death. We face the confusion of the human condition. I tend to think that we are living and dying simultaneously and each of us represent some greater ebb and flow. In the present, the past is dying, and the future is being born. Our place in this flow, we can never fully understand because the world does not stand still, even when we want it to, and we never see the whole picture of where it has been or where it will go. we are small, yet significant. Death therefore does not negate life, so long as the power for life is greater, our capacity to heal stronger, and our love triumphs over loss in time, but no-one can tell you how long that will be and that is the moment for you and no-one should take that from you.

The internet is a deeply inadequate way to communicate at such times as any advice I give won't do justice to either you or your grandmother as ultimately I remain a stranger. But, in losing your grandmother, you may in one day become a grandmother and her love to you will be your love to your grandchildren. That may well be a way to honor her memory and a promise you keep which connects both your past and your future so you can find that inner power which can keep you moving forward without leaving her behind. Pain is a way of knowing we care and, although at this moment it will no doubt seem very distant, our opportunity to remember what it means to be alive.

 

[Deidre]

I haven't faced the death of a loved one, so I don't know if I can add anything beyond saying I'm sorry for your loss.

As an Atheist I recognize that death is so overwhelming on an individual level that it cannot really be understood rationally and really calls on finding some deeper power within us to go on. Trying to make some sense of it in some 'bigger picture' may obscure it's meaning, and in that sense, I would say that death is the hardest question of all because we naturally want to be happy and to love, and yet face pain and death. We face the confusion of the human condition. I tend to think that we are living and dying simultaneously and each of us represent some greater ebb and flow. In the present, the past is dying, and the future is being born. Our place in this flow, we can never fully understand because the world does not stand still, even when we want it to, and we never see the whole picture of where it has been or where it will go. we are small, yet significant. Death therefore does not negate life, so long as the power for life is greater, our capacity to heal stronger, and our love triumphs over loss in time, but no-one can tell you how long that will be and that is the moment for you and no-one should take that from you.

The internet is a deeply inadequate way to communicate at such times as any advice I give won't do justice to either you or your grandmother as ultimately I remain a stranger. But, in losing your grandmother, you may in one day become a grandmother and her love to you will be your love to your grandchildren. That may well be a way to honor her memory and a promise you keep which connects both your past and your future so you can find that inner power which can keep you moving forward without leaving her behind. Pain is a way of knowing we care and, although at this moment it will no doubt seem very distant, our opportunity to remember what it means to be alive.

So much for not being able to add anything beyond saying I'm sorry for your loss. lol Oh my, I wish I could give this post ten likes. Really. I'm teary eyed reading this, for real.

Yes, I happen to agree with how you say 'our place is in the flow.' Perhaps we as humans attach an artificial meaning to life and death, and death takes on this negative connotation, and it only rises beyond that if we are theists. If one is a ''believer,'' suddenly...death doesn't seem so awful. But, why is it awful if we are atheists? Why must we attach the supernatural to something that is quite...well, natural?

Maybe we as human beings are just uncomfortable, yet again, with what we can't explain, or what pains us. Thank you so much for your thoughtful response.

 

[Laika]

So much for not being able to add anything beyond saying I'm sorry for your loss. lol Oh my, I wish I could give this post ten likes. Really. I'm teary eyed reading this, for real.

Yes, I happen to agree with how you say 'our place is in the flow.' Perhaps we as humans attach an artificial meaning to life and death, and death takes on this negative connotation, and it only rises beyond that if we are theists. If one is a ''believer,'' suddenly...death doesn't seem so awful. But, why is it awful if we are atheists? Why must we attach the supernatural to something that is quite...well, natural?

Maybe we as human beings are just uncomfortable, yet again, with what we can't explain, or what pains us. Thank you so much for your thoughtful response.

Yeah, I did start it that way didn't I?

I've had depression for a number of years, so finding that 'inner power' has been a problem that I've had to come to terms with. Atheists can have faith but it up to us to figure out what to have faith in. I hope you'll find a way as I know it's possible.

 

[Unveiled Artist]

Thank you so much. You've made my day. That's good you're journaling. I haven't done that until recently. My grandmother passed two months ago; so, I write letters to her since my father prevented me from talking to her before she passed. Three years I asked... long long story. Tear jerks me every time I retell it.

I practice some what may be consider pagan practices. I placed both my grandmother's pictures on my table (or alter?) and I put food they loved to cook and eat from time to time on there. Nothing elaborate. I'll try to talk to them (not the pictures, lol). Maybe doing something similar may help? It doesn't have to have a pagan flare, just a way of giving respect to your loved ones and knowing they are alive in your heart even if you may or may not believe that they are alive spiritually.

I'm glad we have many ways to express the same feelings. I look forward to talking with you some more.

I really really really like your comment. I've read it a few times. Thank you for taking the time to put this into words. It's amazing how we all have different views on this, yet the same. I think about qhat you're saying here, and think this is quite beautiful, how you put it all. I've been in a fog today, an absolute fog. Can't explain it. I started a blog/journal here to kind of refocus some energy, but I've slipped back into the fog. Maybe too, we just need to feel this way until we no longer do. When I was a Christian, I read the book...''A Grief Observed,'' by CS Lewis, and it goes to show theist or not...we all have to mourn in our own way. ((hugs))

 

[Unveiled Artist]

This is such a beautiful post. I second your emotion.

I haven't faced the death of a loved one, so I don't know if I can add anything beyond saying I'm sorry for your loss.

As an Atheist I recognize that death is so overwhelming on an individual level that it cannot really be understood rationally and really calls on finding some deeper power within us to go on. Trying to make some sense of it in some 'bigger picture' may obscure it's meaning, and in that sense, I would say that death is the hardest question of all because we naturally want to be happy and to love, and yet face pain and death. We face the confusion of the human condition. I tend to think that we are living and dying simultaneously and each of us represent some greater ebb and flow. In the present, the past is dying, and the future is being born. Our place in this flow, we can never fully understand because the world does not stand still, even when we want it to, and we never see the whole picture of where it has been or where it will go. we are small, yet significant. Death therefore does not negate life, so long as the power for life is greater, our capacity to heal stronger, and our love triumphs over loss in time, but no-one can tell you how long that will be and that is the moment for you and no-one should take that from you.

The internet is a deeply inadequate way to communicate at such times as any advice I give won't do justice to either you or your grandmother as ultimately I remain a stranger. But, in losing your grandmother, you may in one day become a grandmother and her love to you will be your love to your grandchildren. That may well be a way to honor her memory and a promise you keep which connects both your past and your future so you can find that inner power which can keep you moving forward without leaving her behind. Pain is a way of knowing we care and, although at this moment it will no doubt seem very distant, our opportunity to remember what it means to be alive.

 

[Twilight Hue]

Well, I'm at this new year's party with friends and my dad called me to let me know my grandmother died about an hour ago. I thought I was ready, but I was planning to see her tomorrow. Spend the day with her. I should've gone today and I didn't.

Cherish the time you have with whoever means a lot to you. <3

May she rest in peace now, at least she's not suffering anymore.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts on all this.

Your grandmother is still around. Hopefully you'll derive comfort in that by which the atoms responsible as grandmother are still there, and arguably quite intact as atoms. I think there a journey of sorts there by which each atom traverses and something not quite as depressing.

My sympathy for your loss. Take good care.

 

[Deidre]

@Carlita - Thank you for your comment above! That's so great you write letters to your grandmother. I hope that you find comfort in that, I may take a page from your book, and do it myself. It might be cathartic in some way for both of us. Sorry you were kept from her, ah...I'm reminded that we can't get lost time back, but in our own way we can find a way to spend new time in memory with who we miss. {{hug}}

@Nowhere Man - your comment helps me in such a different way, today. Yes, who knows what happens when we die. The truth is...energy cannot be created nor destroyed...so, it has to go so 'somewhere.' I don't need to know all the answers, but it's comforting what you say here. {{thank you}}