Dealing with diversity of belief inside one's family

[LuisDantas]

I suspect there is a wide variety of situations in this matter.

I have met families that somehow convince their offspring to follow their own beliefs, families that pretend to have done so, families that expect/hope to eventually do so, families that reach a mutual understanding of avoiding the subject, and families that hide their beliefs among themselves outright.

What do you feel to be reasonable on this matter?

What do you feel to be significant challenges?

Which priorities apply?

What should we attempt to avoid or pursue?

 

[Revoltingest]

My family copes with diversity of beliefs quite well.
We're all heathens.
There's no need to ever discuss religion.

Politically, we all get along too.
No one discusses politics with Mrs Revolt.

 

[Quetzal]

What should we attempt to avoid or pursue?

When I am dealing with this in my family, I ask myself this question before I participate in a potentially heated discussion: is this a discussion I really want to have? Many times, the answer is no, it simply isn't worth it. When these discussions do come up, there is another interesting question to consider: Am I trying to be right or am I trying to discuss? These are two different things that many (myself included) mix up.

 

[LuisDantas]

So, it is mostly a matter of dealing with the personal spaces granted by one's own relatives?

 

[Quetzal]

So, it is mostly a matter of dealing with the personal spaces granted by one's own relatives?

Speaking for my own personal experiences, this seems to work best. If someone asks for my opinion on the matter I will freely give it but I try not to bite the baited hook that might lead to arguments.

 

[meghanwaterlillies]

So, it is mostly a matter of dealing with the personal spaces granted by one's own relatives?

everyone should allow space for that but if its not a threat or abuse.//separate//They may find that in it, and what's right.
I mean for example how are you to question your own believes or even expound on them if your not allowed to even make comments or state the obvious of where it leads?
Sometimes that's even evident in relatives or family so stating something that actually is, what it is may even help.

 

[bobhikes]

I suspect there is a wide variety of situations in this matter.

I have met families that somehow convince their offspring to follow their own beliefs, families that pretend to have done so, families that expect/hope to eventually do so, families that reach a mutual understanding of avoiding the subject, and families that hide their beliefs among themselves outright.

What do you feel to be reasonable on this matter?

What do you feel to be significant challenges?

Which priorities apply?

What should we attempt to avoid or pursue?

Family first everything else second.
We have political, religious, race, monetary,.... differences within my family. When it comes to true need all petty arguments are thrown aside and help given. When it comes to an epic disagreement once the calm is established maintaining the family becomes the priority. When it comes to the major holidays you show up and grin and bear it.

 

[LuisDantas]

Who do you consider family exactly, @bobhikes ?

 

[columbus]

Who do you consider family exactly, @bobhikes ?

If you are seated next to them at a holiday meal you are trapped.

Tom

 

[bobhikes]

Who do you consider family exactly, @bobhikes ?

Currently, my parents, my brother and sisters, their spouses,their kids, my best friend and his wife and kids, my kids, my wife, my wife's mom and dad, her brother and sisters, their spouses and kids.

 

[Laika]

I suspect there is a wide variety of situations in this matter.

I have met families that somehow convince their offspring to follow their own beliefs, families that pretend to have done so, families that expect/hope to eventually do so, families that reach a mutual understanding of avoiding the subject, and families that hide their beliefs among themselves outright.

What do you feel to be reasonable on this matter?

What do you feel to be significant challenges?

Which priorities apply?

What should we attempt to avoid or pursue?

my relationship with my parents "works" but most of the topics I would want to discuss dont take place at all. It isnt really healthy but its what I've got. Some subjects are understandably off the menu so because they are a bit extreme or taboo but others aren't. A fair number of subjects I wouldnt discuss with anyone in case someone got the wrong idea when I'm trying a sort of intellectual exercise to see another point of view. (It doesnt take a therapist to recognise a connection between the my willingness to entertian extremist ideas and the repressive family life).

For my family, Religion has never been seriously discussed in any depth due to the fact my parents disagree on it, (I'm under the impression that my dad is atheist and my mum is more open but I dont really know any more than that). Politics however is discussed all the time but it is more like "trolling" than anything. Its hard not to join in but I just let them "rant" and humour my dads latest obsession. My mum barely talks to me at all except at dinner and its a conscious effort to talk with her.

The first two years after I came back from university and was living with my parents there were some really big problems. My parents are both homophobic but still profess tolerance in a "dont ask, don't tell" sort of way. As I was coming out as bisexual, dealing with mental problems because of it and begining to take a deeper interest in Marxism, we clashed often. Majors Rows happened about once a month or two months. There have been periodic thaws and clashes since then (about six years ago) but not really as political.

The exception was when I joined the Communist Party last year and disagreements became much more open. After I told them (it was about as much about coming out as a communist as anything), my mum didnt talk to me for a month. (My dad took three days). We live in the same house and You could cut the air with a knife. Actually, that was the first time I ever really did anything my parents thought was wrong knowingly for my own sanity. Even after the first month my mum was suspicious of what she said round me, acted coldly and distant. When I left the party after five months (my own choice-not theirs), things did get easier. when it comes to certian subjects I just get treated as a nerd or with a certian amount of distain and ridicule and my interests are dismissed. Talking on RF is how I deal with it as I dont have to self-censor as much.

I can't really control my parents reactions so I have to look at myself and think about what I can do. If I think its non-negiotable and has to be said, I say it and pick the right time but it can be quite a struggle given that I anticipate a bad reaction. Often its as bad as I think it is but sometimes its ok. Thats true of personal and political stuff. My parents are both extremely resistent to change and inflexible and treat any source of conflict as serious thing. The rest of the time I manage, but I can visibly relax when I have the house for a few hours. It takes about thirty minutes for the effect of being around my parents to wear off. So its far from ideal to say the least and isnt a healthy family relationship.

 

[George-ananda]

I think the most mature path for all those involved is de-escalation of the differences. Where there are religious and political differences of opinion, it is best to stay away from those subjects. It's a wonder how similar people are when we stay away from those subjects. Due to lack of maturity there will be the pot-stirrer, and the mature person knows when to bite their tongue and change the subject. Two less mature types and they will need to learn what I said above the hard way.

 

[LuisDantas]

One thing to consider is that there are families that are very much disfunctional. Religion may or may not be a part of it, but there isn't always a workable starting point to care for.

 

[idav]

I suspect there is a wide variety of situations in this matter.

I have met families that somehow convince their offspring to follow their own beliefs, families that pretend to have done so, families that expect/hope to eventually do so, families that reach a mutual understanding of avoiding the subject, and families that hide their beliefs among themselves outright.

What do you feel to be reasonable on this matter?

What do you feel to be significant challenges?

Which priorities apply?

What should we attempt to avoid or pursue?

I think it is more important to try and instill logic and understanding allowing children to foster their own beliefs. I also think its important to instill a sense of what is knowledge vs opinion.

Wife is an atheist but she still seems to have much of the same understanding and opinions as me where it counts. There are ways to have difference of opinion especially when one is honest with what is and isn't really mostly faith based. Our son is coming of age as well and because of general public and friends influence at some point wanted to delve into Christianity. We didn't disallow it but eventually he came to his own terms and went back to general atheism. He has told me that us not hammering religion down his throat made such a transition much easier from a brief time of faith due to outside pressures and influence and back to general non-belief.

Where we live is mainly christian, so even here there are many that think Jesus needs to be hammered into our kids minds but I'm not a fan of such an approach. Even as much of a fan I am of Christ.

Sorry folks we are raising heathens.

 

[Kelly of the Phoenix]

My maternal grandfather was a staunch conservative Southern Baptist. I am a liberal nondenominational. We argued ... a lot. Still, over time, I realized I could "translate" my ideals in ways a staunch conservative Southern Baptist could understand and he softened on me a bit.

 

[Zigzangle]

My husband and I were non believers by the time we married in 1969 aged 22 and 19. Sadly we had had the ghastly,' you must be 'born again or else', unpleasant dogma forced upon us as kids! We decided it was up to our own children to decide for themselves about religion. Our girls are all Christians (the eldest an Anglican Priest), but moderate in their views and certainly not Biblical literalists, thank goodness. We never discuss religion.

 

[arthra]

I suspect there is a wide variety of situations in this matter.

I have met families that somehow convince their offspring to follow their own beliefs, families that pretend to have done so, families that expect/hope to eventually do so, families that reach a mutual understanding of avoiding the subject, and families that hide their beliefs among themselves outright.
What do you feel to be reasonable on this matter?
What do you feel to be significant challenges?
Which priorities apply?
What should we attempt to avoid or pursue?

In my family my wife and I were Baha'is so we raised our children using Baha'i values... My wife's parents were Christians and we along with our children participated in Christmas and Easter at the Grandparents house while at Ayyam-i-Ha and Naw-Ruz the Grandparents came to our home and participated with us..

Also in order to educate my children about other religions and their services I took them on visits to Mosques, Synagogues and Churches as well as Hindu, Buddhist and Sikh temples.

 

[lovesong]

I never talk about these things with my family. My dad was raised in church but hates organized religion and my mom says she's Christian but believes in reincarnation so who knows. My dad thinks that being into religion is just to annoy people and my mom thinks religion is like race where you can't change it, and if you try you're just wanting to cause trouble. This is why I stay away from the subject with them. The few times it has come up we all end up literally screaming at eachother, they call me some horrible moral-less trouble starter who just wants to be different and a freak and make people angry, and I call them intollerant and small minded for refusing to listen to even the most basic non-Christian ideas. I'm pretty sure they think I'm an atheist but after sitting behind me while I sell my religious goods all summer at markets my mom has some idea that I might be some kind of evil Pagan witchcraft practicer thing, but she'd never dare ask.

 

[Muffled]

I suspect there is a wide variety of situations in this matter.

I have met families that somehow convince their offspring to follow their own beliefs, families that pretend to have done so, families that expect/hope to eventually do so, families that reach a mutual understanding of avoiding the subject, and families that hide their beliefs among themselves outright.

What do you feel to be reasonable on this matter?

What do you feel to be significant challenges?

Which priorities apply?

What should we attempt to avoid or pursue?

I believe I did the right thing by bringing my children and grandchildren to church. Now that they are grown up I present my views when they will let me.

My wife and I were both quasi Christians when we married in 1969. I attended church. She did not. In 1971 I received Jesus as Lord and Savior and my wife declared herself an agnostic. When I started ministering my wife was opposed, once stomping on my Bible and another time throwing pots and pans at me. I was on her case a lot because I cared. Sometime in the 80's she encountered a demon and as a result received Jesus as Lord and Savior but still has not attended church.

My oldest grandchild declared she was an atheist, because of teaching about evolution she got in school. I explained my view and since she has declared she is an agnostic. She is marrying a former seminary student so they will have their challenges.

My oldest daughter won't be caught dead in church because she loves her sin. She believes there is a God but doesn't like the fact that He opposes sin.

My youngest daughter did become spiritual to some extent through the Mormons and attended for a while but distanced herself after living with a man without benefit of marriage.

My son declares himself an atheist but will attend church and is not anti-God.

My youngest granddaughter isn't spiritual and keeps her beliefs to herself but did go on a church mission to the Dominican Republic. I don't think she attends church now.

I avoid talking to my oldest daughter about sin because we both know where we stand.

 

[Muffled]

My husband and I were non believers by the time we married in 1969 aged 22 and 19. Sadly we had had the ghastly,' you must be 'born again or else', unpleasant dogma forced upon us as kids! We decided it was up to our own children to decide for themselves about religion. Our girls are all Christians (the eldest an Anglican Priest), but moderate in their views and certainly not Biblical literalists, thank goodness. We never discuss religion.

So I take it you are in the position of "or else."