Dealing with diversity of belief inside one's family

[Muffled]

I never talk about these things with my family. My dad was raised in church but hates organized religion and my mom says she's Christian but believes in reincarnation so who knows. My dad thinks that being into religion is just to annoy people and my mom thinks religion is like race where you can't change it, and if you try you're just wanting to cause trouble. This is why I stay away from the subject with them. The few times it has come up we all end up literally screaming at eachother, they call me some horrible moral-less trouble starter who just wants to be different and a freak and make people angry, and I call them intollerant and small minded for refusing to listen to even the most basic non-Christian ideas. I'm pretty sure they think I'm an atheist but after sitting behind me while I sell my religious goods all summer at markets my mom has some idea that I might be some kind of evil Pagan witchcraft practicer thing, but she'd never dare ask.

I believe I am a born again Christian who believes in reincarnation just not the Hindu or Buddhist versions.

 

[Guy Threepwood]

I think the most mature path for all those involved is de-escalation of the differences. Where there are religious and political differences of opinion, it is best to stay away from those subjects. It's a wonder how similar people are when we stay away from those subjects. Due to lack of maturity there will be the pot-stirrer, and the mature person knows when to bite their tongue and change the subject. Two less mature types and they will need to learn what I said above the hard way.

I agree, but I'm not sure about maturity, in my experience sometimes the younger family members are more diplomatic, (or less confident maybe?), and it's older ones who want to tell everyone how to think... (and/or consume more alcohol perhaps!)

Last time we hosted thanksgiving- I spent the entire meal trying to derail political/religious lines of conversation- to the point of not daring to go to the bathroom. I finally went- and on my return 60 secs later, someone was yelling about George Bush being Satan. I think it's fine if you spend a lot of time with family, airing differences. But with folks you only see once a year, I agree, keep it to yourself!

 

[George-ananda]

I agree, but I'm not sure about maturity, in my experience sometimes the younger family members are more diplomatic, (or less confident maybe?), and it's older ones who want to tell everyone how to think... (and/or consume more alcohol perhaps!)

Last time we hosted thanksgiving- I spent the entire meal trying to derail political/religious lines of conversation- to the point of not daring to go to the bathroom. I finally went- and on my return 60 secs later, someone was yelling about George Bush being Satan. I think it's fine if you spend a lot of time with family, airing differences. But with folks you only see once a year, I agree, keep it to yourself!

Right, maturity is something different than age.

 

[Muffled]

I agree, but I'm not sure about maturity, in my experience sometimes the younger family members are more diplomatic, (or less confident maybe?), and it's older ones who want to tell everyone how to think... (and/or consume more alcohol perhaps!)

Last time we hosted thanksgiving- I spent the entire meal trying to derail political/religious lines of conversation- to the point of not daring to go to the bathroom. I finally went- and on my return 60 secs later, someone was yelling about George Bush being Satan. I think it's fine if you spend a lot of time with family, airing differences. But with folks you only see once a year, I agree, keep it to yourself!

I believe some people just like to argue but getting wrought up is emotional immaturity.

My granddaughter has a religious boyfriend and when he came to visit he was warned not to talk religion with me. I am not sure what her motivation was but we managed to keep it to a reasonable state but religious people just naturally go there if they find someone like minded.

 

[metis]

OK, my wife is a practicing Catholic; I'm a liberal Jew; our oldest daughter and her kids are Jewish by observance; our younger daughter and her family are practicing Catholics; our son is a secular-humanist; his wife is Pentecostal Christian. We have never had any argument over religion, we attend each others' special ceremonies when possible, and we often discuss religion.

So, what's the problem?

 

[LuisDantas]

OK, my wife is a practicing Catholic; I'm a liberal Jew; our oldest daughter and her kids are Jewish by observance; our younger daughter and her family are practicing Catholics; our son is a secular-humanist; his wife is Pentecostal Christian. We have never had any argument over religion, we attend each others' special ceremonies when possible, and we often discuss religion.

So, what's the problem?

Jealousy, if I think about that too much...

 

[metis]

Jealousy, if I think about that too much...

LOL! Sorry 'bout that.

Don't ask me why we've never had a problem with this because I simply don't know. None of us take the "my way or the highway" approach, so maybe that's at least a start.

 

[LuisDantas]

LOL! Sorry 'bout that.

Don't ask me why we've never had a problem with this because I simply don't know. None of us take the "my way or the highway" approach, so maybe that's at least a start.

Ah. I would expect that you would not know.

Ironically, I feel that I do, at least very generally, from various glimpses that you offered me through so many posts.

And sure, the serene acceptance that you do not get to decide what your close family members will believe in is a BIG part of it.

 

[metis]

Ah. I would expect that you would not know.

Ironically, I feel that I do, at least very generally, from various glimpses that you offered me through so many posts.

And sure, the serene acceptance that you do not get to decide what your close family members will believe in is a BIG part of it.

Thank you for that, and I sincerely hope you and all here run across more open acceptance with family and friends.

 

[Bird123]

I suspect there is a wide variety of situations in this matter.

I have met families that somehow convince their offspring to follow their own beliefs, families that pretend to have done so, families that expect/hope to eventually do so, families that reach a mutual understanding of avoiding the subject, and families that hide their beliefs among themselves outright.

What do you feel to be reasonable on this matter?

What do you feel to be significant challenges?

Which priorities apply?

What should we attempt to avoid or pursue?

So often in life people's goal is to avoid Drama and always have Peace. Is that really the goal of Life??

People sometimes come with lots of problems and baggage. People work through those problems through the interaction with others. Doesn't most of the Learning happen around Drama?

I don't think Drama should be avoided at all. How does that song go? Carry on my wayward son. There will be Peace when you are done.

I have to go for total freedom of speech and who they are. I will not be the clog in the drain of learning. Sure, I have had some exciting Holidays, however I always make sure everyone at least shakes hands when it's done. Further, I always make sure each gets some one on one time with me to make sure each gets some Unconditional Love instead of just arguments.

If the crowd is big enough, the one creating the Drama might find themselves at odds with a dozen or more. Ah yes, that is a lesson unto itself. Hmmm? 12 against one. I never have to worry about the entertainment.

 

[Muffled]

LOL! Sorry 'bout that.

Don't ask me why we've never had a problem with this because I simply don't know. None of us take the "my way or the highway" approach, so maybe that's at least a start.

The Roman Catholic Church has ameliorated its position. It used to say anyone not RC was going to Hell.

 

[metis]

The Roman Catholic Church has ameliorated its position. It used to say anyone not RC was going to Hell.

Not quite that emphatically as it was more along the line that one could put their salvation in jeopardy of the left the church. This concept actually goes back at the least to the end of the 2nd century when Origen was asked if there was salvation outside of the church, his rather famous response was that the church is "the scarlet thread that binds", so who would be so ignorant to chance their salvation.

And of course many Protestants followed suit by saying that "papists" would not be saved if they stayed the CC and followed its teachings. Not only did they demonize Catholics, they demonized people in other faiths as well.

 

[viole]

I suspect there is a wide variety of situations in this matter.

I have met families that somehow convince their offspring to follow their own beliefs, families that pretend to have done so, families that expect/hope to eventually do so, families that reach a mutual understanding of avoiding the subject, and families that hide their beliefs among themselves outright.

What do you feel to be reasonable on this matter?

What do you feel to be significant challenges?

Which priorities apply?

What should we attempt to avoid or pursue?

And there are families whose offsprings convince their mother to stop believing what she believed.

Ciao

- viole

 

[Monk Of Reason]

I suspect there is a wide variety of situations in this matter.

I have met families that somehow convince their offspring to follow their own beliefs, families that pretend to have done so, families that expect/hope to eventually do so, families that reach a mutual understanding of avoiding the subject, and families that hide their beliefs among themselves outright.

What do you feel to be reasonable on this matter?

What do you feel to be significant challenges?

Which priorities apply?

What should we attempt to avoid or pursue?

Me and my brother are pretty similar. So are most of my family around my age such as cousins and what not. However the older generation with my parents and uncles/aunts there was a long period of time where we just didn't talk about it. I continued going to church and "faking it" till I was 19 and left home. The last weekend with my parents was the last weekend I went to church. Clean cut. There was a lot of other issues going on with my relationship with them so it seemed really like it was lost in just the jumbled mess that was there. After time passed and things got better we have learned to simply not talk to each other about it. Same for politics most of the time. I don't have any respect for their beliefs. My dad isn't all that religious. He is highly conservative and sides with the Christian religious right most of the time but without the religious convictions. He finds his own ways and rationals to hate gays and Mexicans. My mom is the most religious person I've ever met and she thinks she failed as a mother because we aren't christian. She has prayed verbally before in our presence for god to "bring us back". Most of the time we are civil but it hampers our conversations. I can't ever, for example, talk to her about my problems. When I went through the divorce with my ex wife one of the first things she said to me during one of my lowest moments was "Well all things happen for a reason. Maybe this was to turn you back to god"

I couldn't believe that she would try and make it about god in the middle of all that. Made me so mad I haven't talked with her about anything significant since. It has permanently damaged my relationship with her. Its a functional relationship and thats how I see most of my relationships now. There has to be a degree of function where everyone knows the rules. If you have open minded people who are able to talk without getting heated or talk without making things personal then its fine to have discussions with those people. If someone draws a line in the sand and says "You have to believe what I believe or we are over" then its time to leave. I won't ever draw that line in the sand for someone I consider family and if they did it to me then I guess I was wrong about who I considered family.

 

[Muffled]

Not quite that emphatically as it was more along the line that one could put their salvation in jeopardy of the left the church. This concept actually goes back at the least to the end of the 2nd century when Origen was asked if there was salvation outside of the church, his rather famous response was that the church is "the scarlet thread that binds", so who would be so ignorant to chance their salvation.

And of course many Protestants followed suit by saying that "papists" would not be saved if they stayed the CC and followed its teachings. Not only did they demonize Catholics, they demonized people in other faiths as well.

I believe there is a lot to that. The Pilgrims called the Quakers non-conformists.

 

[Muffled]

Me and my brother are pretty similar. So are most of my family around my age such as cousins and what not. However the older generation with my parents and uncles/aunts there was a long period of time where we just didn't talk about it. I continued going to church and "faking it" till I was 19 and left home. The last weekend with my parents was the last weekend I went to church. Clean cut. There was a lot of other issues going on with my relationship with them so it seemed really like it was lost in just the jumbled mess that was there. After time passed and things got better we have learned to simply not talk to each other about it. Same for politics most of the time. I don't have any respect for their beliefs. My dad isn't all that religious. He is highly conservative and sides with the Christian religious right most of the time but without the religious convictions. He finds his own ways and rationals to hate gays and Mexicans. My mom is the most religious person I've ever met and she thinks she failed as a mother because we aren't christian. She has prayed verbally before in our presence for god to "bring us back". Most of the time we are civil but it hampers our conversations. I can't ever, for example, talk to her about my problems. When I went through the divorce with my ex wife one of the first things she said to me during one of my lowest moments was "Well all things happen for a reason. Maybe this was to turn you back to god"

I couldn't believe that she would try and make it about god in the middle of all that. Made me so mad I haven't talked with her about anything significant since. It has permanently damaged my relationship with her. Its a functional relationship and thats how I see most of my relationships now. There has to be a degree of function where everyone knows the rules. If you have open minded people who are able to talk without getting heated or talk without making things personal then its fine to have discussions with those people. If someone draws a line in the sand and says "You have to believe what I believe or we are over" then its time to leave. I won't ever draw that line in the sand for someone I consider family and if they did it to me then I guess I was wrong about who I considered family.

I believe you need to forgive your mother for being hopeful. Many a Christian came to God because they reached bottom and God was the only way up.

 

[Monk Of Reason]

I believe you need to forgive your mother for being hopeful. Many a Christian came to God because they reached bottom and God was the only way up.

Its not a matter of forgiveness. I've learned something new about her and it was a lesson well learned. Its not a matter of having forgiveness or not forgiveness. I objectively know I cannot have those kinds of discussions anymore with her.

Many people cling blindly to ideologies of any type when they get low. The broken post WWI Germany gave rise to the nationalistic NAZI party for example. It does not give the ideology merit.

 

[psychoslice]

I myself have never been influenced by family, just because I am born into a certain family doesn't mean I have to believe in what they believe, no, I am and always have been my own man.

 

[Aupmanyav]

My family copes with diversity of beliefs quite well.
We're all heathens. There's no need to ever discuss religion. Politically, we all get along too. No one discusses politics with Mrs Revolt.

I have problems. I am an atheist and absolutely not superstitious. My family is theist and superstitious. How do I deal with it? When chance permits, I make my views known, and tell them that superstitions (astrology) are unscientific. And then let it go. They will understand in their own time. Or probably not. I do not let that interfere with the family life. There are political differences also, but they are not that problematic. Of course, my vote and my daughter-in-law's vote will always be on opposite sides. At least I balance it on the other side. Of course, nobody lights my fuse, I do not light other peoples' fuse.

 

[The Emperor of Mankind]

I have a Mormon mother & father, a Presbyterian grandmother and an aunt, uncle & cousin who are also Mormons. We get along fine. But only because the aunt, uncle & cousin live in Canada!