Dealing with grief

[Princess Sophie]

How do you deal with traumatic and painful things in your life? I've been having a lot of trouble lately. I'm a birth mother and relinquishing my son is something that's caused me pain ever since I had to make the choice. I miss him terribly and sometimes my only comfort is that he isn't dead. It makes me jealous and sad that another family gets to love my baby. They promised to let me name him and didn't and also said I could keep him the first two weeks but I injured myself giving birth and they took him home with them without telling me while I was having surgery.

I had my baby when I was 12/13 because my mom's younger brother attacked me and then killed himself. He was autistic and didn't deal with disappointment in a healthy way his fiance left him. He told me he wanted to "love a woman one last time" before he hurt me and took his own life later that night with the same gun he used to threaten me into submission. We all miss him especially my mother who basically raised him. We wanted him punished not dead. I hope that God has forgiven him but suicide isn't forgivable is it so I don't know. : / It's been almost four years but I'm still a wreck. I don't know what to do, counseling has been great but I'm still aching and missing my son and I still blame myself for my uncle's death.

 

[Brinne]

I am very sorry to here that you've had such a traumatic experience. Life can be tough sometimes, very tough, however I think that focusing on negative emotions such as grief is not a good idea. I have no idea what kind of pain you are feeling right now because of this event as I have nothing really to compare it to.

The best thing you can do is realize that it is not your fault. What happened was out of your control and you should not be feeling grief for it. Do not place fault upon yourself, it was something that happened because of unfavorable circumstances but, from what you've described, there is nothing for you to feel guilty over. In life, sometimes things happen and in the short term view it seems as though nothing good can come of them and nothing can be learned, however, in retrospect we learn a lot from our past tragedies. Later on down the road I'm sure you'll have something to take away from this experience, what that is is up to you.

As tough and as harsh it may seem a positive outlook will get you through life very easily. It may be hard to look at this perspective from a positive but think of it this way; at least your son is being taken care of by a loving family there are many mothers in the world today who will never get to see their baby born or never have a baby of their own there are mothers who give birth to babies who were never destined to live past the first few years of life. I'm not trying to delegitimize your sorrow by saying "Oh these people have it worse" but trying to make you see things from a more optimistic view.

Regardless of my opinions I hope the very best for you, your son, and your family. You will be in my prayers tonight. Wishing you the very best in your tough situation.

 

[Alt Thinker]

I am saddened that you have had such an unhappy life. I wish I could offer more than sympathy.

Perhaps I can do that to a small degree. I do not know what flavor of Christian you might call yourself. I was raised Roman Catholic and know what is taught about suicide in that religion. Despite popular myth, suicide is not considered automatically unforgivable. Culpability is related to mental state. Someone not 'in their right mind' whether from inherent deficit or severe emotional/psychological turmoil could very well not possess the full culpability required to be guilty of mortal sin. By those lights it is entirely reasonable to think that your brother would be forgiven.

I hope that this thought might help you in some small way. If not, please forgive me if I have made you feel worse by ill choice of words or in any other way.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

Wow...that is a LOT for anyone to deal with through an entire lifetime, let alone squeezed into your teenage years.
I'm really not qualified to offer too much help here, and my religious views are far from yours as well, but I would say;

1) Great to hear you are undergoing counselling. It's really a vital piece of getting past the trauma you've suffered, though I'm sure you're well aware the scars will only fade with time, never disappear entirely.

2) Most importantly, you mustn't blame yourself for your uncle's death. At all. It would take a far better person than me to forgive him, but if you and your mother can do that, I would completely respect you for it. But there is no fault attributable to you, here. I'm hoping that amongst your counselling, you underwent some specific rape counselling, but if not I would highly recommend it. It's very important that you are able to separate actions you are in control of with those you were not.

3) I can only sympathise with regards to your son. I have 2 daughters of my own, and can only imagine what it would be like without them. A vital thing for a parent is to protect their children, no matter the personal cost. I would think that you have tried to do that, tried to provide them a safe and stable home.

 

[Thief]

How do you deal with traumatic and painful things in your life? I've been having a lot of trouble lately. I'm a birth mother and relinquishing my son is something that's caused me pain ever since I had to make the choice. I miss him terribly and sometimes my only comfort is that he isn't dead. It makes me jealous and sad that another family gets to love my baby. They promised to let me name him and didn't and also said I could keep him the first two weeks but I injured myself giving birth and they took him home with them without telling me while I was having surgery.

I had my baby when I was 12/13 because my mom's younger brother attacked me and then killed himself. He was autistic and didn't deal with disappointment in a healthy way his fiance left him. He told me he wanted to "love a woman one last time" before he hurt me and took his own life later that night with the same gun he used to threaten me into submission. We all miss him especially my mother who basically raised him. We wanted him punished not dead. I hope that God has forgiven him but suicide isn't forgivable is it so I don't know. : / It's been almost four years but I'm still a wreck. I don't know what to do, counseling has been great but I'm still aching and missing my son and I still blame myself for my uncle's death.

You have taken the actions of others upon yourself.

Lighten what you feel.
I don't believe you should hurt for what others have done.

Promote your own life.
Take a deep breath and move on.

The memories will never disappear....but don't let them choke you.

 

[Smart_Guy]

Hey, so sorry to hear about all this

Look, no matter how I look at it (and I believe no matter how logic looks at it), NOTHING is your fault in all of this. It was fate and believers accept fate and stay strong coping with it. You didn't want it. You didn't attempt to it. It was not your intention. God considers intentions more than actions. God knows our psychology better.

I see the best comfort you can find now is that your child is alive and well. Mother's love is scared. You child needs you as his biological mother. Someone to call mother when he grows up, saying it with full content.

Stay strong and show everyone around you that you are. It will stand with you to ask having your son back under your full custody.

You managed all these 3-4 fours years now, I solute you for that . You're one tough lady.

We will support you all along. Go for it, you can do it

 

[Princess Sophie]

I am saddened that you have had such an unhappy life. I wish I could offer more than sympathy.

Perhaps I can do that to a small degree. I do not know what flavor of Christian you might call yourself. I was raised Roman Catholic and know what is taught about suicide in that religion. Despite popular myth, suicide is not considered automatically unforgivable. Culpability is related to mental state. Someone not 'in their right mind' whether from inherent deficit or severe emotional/psychological turmoil could very well not possess the full culpability required to be guilty of mortal sin. By those lights it is entirely reasonable to think that your brother would be forgiven.

I hope that this thought might help you in some small way. If not, please forgive me if I have made you feel worse by ill choice of words or in any other way.

It does help, thank you.

 

[Princess Sophie]

Hey, so sorry to hear about all this

Look, no matter how I look at it (and I believe no matter how logic looks at it), NOTHING is your fault in all of this. It was fate and believers accept fate and stay strong coping with it. You didn't want it. You didn't attempt to it. It was not your intention. God considers intentions more than actions. God knows our psychology better.

I see the best comfort you can find now is that your child is alive and well. Mother's love is scared. You child needs you as his biological mother. Someone to call mother when he grows up, saying it with full content.

Stay strong and show everyone around you that you are. It will stand with you to ask having your son back under your full custody.

You managed all these 3-4 fours years now, I solute you for that . You're one tough lady.

We will support you all along. Go for it, you can do it

If your birthmother loved you but you already had a mother who adopted you would you care about getting to know your birthmum?

 

[Smart_Guy]

If your birthmother loved you but you already had a mother who adopted you would you care about getting to know your birthmum?

Yes ma'am, I would. My birth mother had me in her womb for 9 long difficult months, not to mention the pain of delivery. For that alone I owe her my life. I'd be even more appreciative if I knew that she had the circumstances that could have made her perform an abortion yet she chose to love me and make the choice of having me.

I'd care for my birth mother even if she hated me.

 

[Amechania]

M god. Darling you did nothing wrong. I know you feel guilty. I wish I could promise the feelings you have will diminish with time. They won't. You poor thing. Find someone you trus to talk too. There must be someone. I wish I could help you. All I can offer is sympathy. If you want to talk pm me. You have a tremendous burden.