Per the poll question. Vote for the ones that apply most in your opinion.
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Desirable Personality Traits in a Friend or Romantic Partner
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Koldo
Outstanding Member
Trustworthiness.
I put humor and empathy.
If a person doesn't have a sense of humor, there's no sense in my trying to befriend them. At all. I will offend them, my family will offend them, my house will offend them... Chaos reigns in my world, and I respond to it with a sense of humor. So, it would be necessary that anyone I'd choose to spend time with can giggle at some of life's absurdities...
Empathy is also important to me. Empathy is probably the virtue I work most at keeping and holding, and I think I'd struggle with a person who didn't at least try to be empathic at times.
If a person doesn't have a sense of humor, there's no sense in my trying to befriend them. At all. I will offend them, my family will offend them, my house will offend them... Chaos reigns in my world, and I respond to it with a sense of humor. So, it would be necessary that anyone I'd choose to spend time with can giggle at some of life's absurdities...
Empathy is also important to me. Empathy is probably the virtue I work most at keeping and holding, and I think I'd struggle with a person who didn't at least try to be empathic at times.
Sand Dancer
Currently catless
These are all good qualities. It's hard to pick but I tend to like being around people who are calm and confident because I am neither of those and I need a balance.
Empathy and friendliness are the two most important out of those for me
I think authenticity, empathy and humor would be essential, but I've got friends with both an excess and a relative lack of any of these...
And, I imagine that others have varying estimations of my position of each of these...as they are a matter of degree and not an either/or...
And, I imagine that others have varying estimations of my position of each of these...as they are a matter of degree and not an either/or...
Ella S.
Well-Known Member
I chose Authenticity, Calmness, and Other. These two are important to me because they tend to lead to people acting in fairly consistent ways and, if they change, then it will be a gradual and rational process. This makes them generally more trustworthy, or at least I can trust them to usually act within a certain pattern.
Confidence is a double-edged sword. It really depends on who they are and what they're confident about.
Empathy isn't something I have, so I don't expect it in others. I know how to have healthy, stable relationships without it.
Friendliness is not really necessary and it can feel a bit too over-familiar for me, because I am a little averse to emotional intimacy. Mutual respect is the goal. Even in a partner, I would want someone who is rationally committed to our relationship rather than someone who only got into it based on how they were feeling at the time. It's okay if the feelings are there or develop over time, but it's not what's personally important to me. My preferred associates are people that I can engage in detached discourse or "geek out" with, but "friendly" people tend to be nosy extroverts that give me too many compliments and they make me kind of uncomfortable because I have no idea how to interact with them.
Humor is not something I care too much about. I am a fairly dry and cerebral person. I'm not above the occasional jest or sarcastic quip, but it's not something that my life would feel empty without. I am a boring person that likes other boring people.
Intelligence is really not that important to me for friends, aside from the fact that I think intelligent people seem to be more interested in the topics that I like. I really only like talking about topics like philosophy, science, math, logic, and computers. You don't have to be intelligent to be interested in those and talk about them with me. If you don't know much about these topics, then that just means it's something that I can enjoy sharing with you.
Other includes what I consider to be the most important trait in a friend of mine; nonconformity. I have some difficulty with maintaining healthy relationships with people that are too attached to their group identity, social status, or social norms and mores. It tends to lead to interpersonal conflict both ways because they want me to conform more and I have trouble respecting them. I know I shouldn't be so judgmental about that, but there you have it. I don't "talk tea" or gossip and I don't like parties. I'd be perfectly okay being associates with someone without knowing their age (beyond that they aren't a minor), gender, family members, occupation, coworkers, friends, etc. and I like when they don't care too much about those details about me, too.
In general, I like my relationships like I like everything else in my life; with a healthy dose of emotional detachment. ...not that anyone should care so much to read my whole wall of text on this post? I probably got a little carried away with this one. Sorry.
Confidence is a double-edged sword. It really depends on who they are and what they're confident about.
Empathy isn't something I have, so I don't expect it in others. I know how to have healthy, stable relationships without it.
Friendliness is not really necessary and it can feel a bit too over-familiar for me, because I am a little averse to emotional intimacy. Mutual respect is the goal. Even in a partner, I would want someone who is rationally committed to our relationship rather than someone who only got into it based on how they were feeling at the time. It's okay if the feelings are there or develop over time, but it's not what's personally important to me. My preferred associates are people that I can engage in detached discourse or "geek out" with, but "friendly" people tend to be nosy extroverts that give me too many compliments and they make me kind of uncomfortable because I have no idea how to interact with them.
Humor is not something I care too much about. I am a fairly dry and cerebral person. I'm not above the occasional jest or sarcastic quip, but it's not something that my life would feel empty without. I am a boring person that likes other boring people.
Intelligence is really not that important to me for friends, aside from the fact that I think intelligent people seem to be more interested in the topics that I like. I really only like talking about topics like philosophy, science, math, logic, and computers. You don't have to be intelligent to be interested in those and talk about them with me. If you don't know much about these topics, then that just means it's something that I can enjoy sharing with you.
Other includes what I consider to be the most important trait in a friend of mine; nonconformity. I have some difficulty with maintaining healthy relationships with people that are too attached to their group identity, social status, or social norms and mores. It tends to lead to interpersonal conflict both ways because they want me to conform more and I have trouble respecting them. I know I shouldn't be so judgmental about that, but there you have it. I don't "talk tea" or gossip and I don't like parties. I'd be perfectly okay being associates with someone without knowing their age (beyond that they aren't a minor), gender, family members, occupation, coworkers, friends, etc. and I like when they don't care too much about those details about me, too.
In general, I like my relationships like I like everything else in my life; with a healthy dose of emotional detachment. ...not that anyone should care so much to read my whole wall of text on this post? I probably got a little carried away with this one. Sorry.
Ella S.
Well-Known Member
I noticed that. It reminds me of the social problems a homeless friend of mine had due to his intellectual disability. He had serious self-esteem issues because he saw himself as stupid and incompetent. I thought I had problems with being bullied as a social outcast, but he interacted with some of the most callous people I have ever seen and was constantly being conned and taken advantage of.
It seems society decided that he was born with too little intelligence, so he was deemed unworthy of fulfilling any role other than victimhood. Even his parents wanted nothing to do with him, having left him out on the streets, and his relationship with his social worker was strained from the appointments they let me join.
I think this obsession some people have with intelligence as this almighty measure of a human being's worth is just awful, because it causes us to overlook all of these great people who just happen to be a little less intelligent. I have an IQ in the top 1st percentile rank, and it's above 160 so it's technically immeasurable. Do you know how embarrassing it is to tell people that my intelligence is immeasurable? It could just be a sort of neat fact about me, but instead it's seen as arrogant or a challenge or intimidating. I used to lie about my IQ and say it was somewhere in the low 150's or high 140's just because of how terrible that sounds.
Yet, because my IQ is in that range, I have never met someone else that is as intelligent as I am. So everyone I know is less intelligent than me. So it wasn't really that weird for me to befriend someone with an intellectual disability. I was one of the few people in his life that saw him as a regular person rather than just some idiot. He had genuinely interesting and creative ideas on philosophy and religion and society, too. He was also just a good friend.
It makes me angry. I wish people understood the damage they were doing with this nonsense. I know it's a meme, but I just hate society sometimes. It's so needlessly cruel over things that don't even really matter.
I figure, since I overshared with my previous post, I might as well overshare about something more meaningful, too.
I voted for all + other, compassion, patience affection trust, honesty, humility, clean finger nails ;-)
But hey I'm very selective
But hey I'm very selective
Heyo
Veteran Member
I think intelligence not only gets over-hyped but also over-hated. Seeing how much right wingers dunk on intelligent and educated people they must be really intimidated by us. Especially the religious right fears critical thinking.
Ella S.
Well-Known Member
Yeah, and then you have people like Jordan Peterson who advocate for a sapioarchy where we're all ruled by high-IQ philosopher kings. I don't really know how those conservatives resolve the cognitive dissonance when they realize that most of the genius academic philosophers are socialists
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But they do tend to be the more interesting, and as to having decent conversations with - even if I often struggle - but most of my friends have all been rather intelligent. And no doubt coming from the field I worked in for much of my life - aeronautics.
I'd probably add humility and kindness/compassion too, whereas calmness and confidence are not always essential, although calmness is much appreciated when things go wrong - and is often associated with intelligence in my experience - and confidence also makes for a trustful companion when doing rather dangerous outdoor pursuits, and I find, essential in these situations.
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Heyo
Veteran Member
In an ideal world, we could have democracy and intelligent, educated rulers - we'd just have to vote for them. But sometimes it seems those are not preferable traits for representatives.
Honestly, intelligence isn't important to me at all. I'd rather hang out with someone who isn't very intelligent but is open to learning than a highly intelligent person who is shut down to any view that opposes their own.
This poll is of the...
Which link in a chain is most important?
...variety.
Which link in a chain is most important?
...variety.
I agree, for the most part. I voted for all options that applied except for confidence: it's still desirable to me, but I can befriend or be attracted to someone who doesn't have a great amount of it if other desirable qualities are present. On the other hand, being inauthentic, humorless, unempathetic, unfriendly, or constantly short-tempered is a dealbreaker for me whether in a friend or romantic interest.
I agree that society cruelly discriminates against those with intellectual disabilities. I also think it would serve people well to recognize that there are many areas of intelligence and that IQ scores measure only a few of those. They don't measure emotional intelligence and interpersonal skills, for example, nor do they measure a myriad of useful and intellectual skills that many people have, such as eloquence, musical talent, and artistic creativity.
It shouldn't be embarrassing for someone to share their IQ whether it's low, average, or high. I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to share yours here.
I'm reminded of the numerous "higher IQ than Einstein" lists, which usually contain a lot of people who haven't done anything as remotely groundbreaking as Einstein did despite reportedly having extremely high IQs. For example:
50 People with the Highest IQs in the World
Learn about the geniuses with some of the highest IQ scores ever reported. Who are these highly intelligent people?
www.rd.com
Then there are some whom a lot of people may not even want to be near, like this lovely guy:
Christopher Langan - Wikipedia
Einstein clearly had more imagination than a lot of people with higher IQs, and Christopher Langan seems to be far worse at empathy and evidence-based reasoning than a lot of people with lower IQs.
Koldo
Outstanding Member
I am quite certain people interpret the term "intelligence", in practice, quite differently from each other. The shared ground here being something akin to "not dumb".