Do I have a stupid attitude to relationships?

[Phasmid]

Basically, my mindset seems to be, "If there's doubt, then there is no doubt" i.e. if I'm not 100% certain about being with someone, then I shouldn't persue a relationship.

This isn't something I've decided, it just seems to be the way it is. For example, there's a girl back in my home town, who I'm pretty sure likes me... well... she's attractive and I see no reason why we couldn't get along... but there's just this annoying feeling stopping me. I'm not affraid, so much as I am uncomfortable. Questions like, "Well, can you see yourself with this person in 5 years? 10 years? LIFE? Are you completely sure you want to go down this road!?" seem to play out in my head, though I feel them more than think them.

I'm of the belief (misguided or otherwise) that if you're going to engage in a relationship, then it's for the long haul, I don't want to hurt anyone. This attitude kind of leads me to the feeling that I'll just know if I've met the right person, I won't have all this mental chatter and weird intuitions and uncertainty...

Am I right about this in your collective experience? Or should I just talk to this girl and see what happens?

 

[T-Dawg]

You're a lot like me in the fact that you know that dating is supposed to be a long term commitment. I just do it the other way around - I date them unless I know 100% that we won't be together for the rest of our lives. Otherwise, I could use the experience of having my first girlfriend =/.

I'd talk to the girl. If she likes you, and you don't hate/dislike her, and you're both single, it would be cruel not to go out with her.

 

[Evee]

I can understand wanting to date for the long haul and not wanting to have a bunch of meaningless short-term relationships, but how can you know NOW whether or not you want to be with her if you haven't even tried? If you don't start dating, how can you tell if you're compatible ?
In my (very limited) experience, the first stages of dating (or friendship, for that matter), are always all about figuring out if you actually like this person enough (or in the right way) to want to spend more time together. I can't imagine anybody starts a relationship knowing absolutely that they want to marry their date. Then what would be the point of the dating process?

 

[Sunstone]

Therapy might help if you make a commitment to it.

 

[whereismynotecard]

I do the same thing. Several guys have asked me to date them, and while I like them, I just don't think I'd want to be with them forever. The way I see it, if I don't want to be in a romantic relationship with someone forever, why bother dating them at all? That, and I don't ever plan on having sex with them, so I don't see a difference between dating and friendship. What I don't understand is how so many guys don't even seem to want to be my friend anymore if I won't date them. I just don't understand. They know I won't have sex with them, so what's the point in calling our relationship dating if there is nothing that separates it from not dating? Isn't sex the only difference?

 

[Quagmire]

Basically, my mindset seems to be, "If there's doubt, then there is no doubt" i.e. if I'm not 100% certain about being with someone, then I shouldn't persue a relationship.

This isn't something I've decided, it just seems to be the way it is. For example, there's a girl back in my home town, who I'm pretty sure likes me... well... she's attractive and I see no reason why we couldn't get along... but there's just this annoying feeling stopping me. I'm not affraid, so much as I am uncomfortable. Questions like, "Well, can you see yourself with this person in 5 years? 10 years? LIFE? Are you completely sure you want to go down this road!?" seem to play out in my head, though I feel them more than think them.

One thing I noticed is you didn't mention how you feel about her.
Whether or not you like her, as a person along with everything else, should be the primary consideration.

If you're thinking about getting involved with her just because you know you can---because she likes you---you're both always going to wonder where you stand.

I'm of the belief (misguided or otherwise) that if you're going to engage in a relationship, then it's for the long haul, I don't want to hurt anyone. This attitude kind of leads me to the feeling that I'll just know if I've met the right person, I won't have all this mental chatter and weird intuitions and uncertainty...

Doesn't sound like the right kind of mental chatter, weird intuitions and uncertainty to me either.

Am I right about this in your collective experience?

Yes. :yes:

Or should I just talk to this girl and see what happens?

Yes. :yes:

 

[T-Dawg]

I do the same thing. Several guys have asked me to date them, and while I like them, I just don't think I'd want to be with them forever. The way I see it, if I don't want to be in a romantic relationship with someone forever, why bother dating them at all? That, and I don't ever plan on having sex with them, so I don't see a difference between dating and friendship. What I don't understand is how so many guys don't even seem to want to be my friend anymore if I won't date them. I just don't understand. They know I won't have sex with them, so what's the point in calling our relationship dating if there is nothing that separates it from not dating? Isn't sex the only difference?

Wow, this post really makes me sad . You have people who want to date you, but you turn them down because you think they might want sex? Bah, if they know you and still want to date you, they obviously aren't in it for the sex. Dating is so much more than sex. It's a status thing for men. If they can't secure a girlfriend, then that makes them a loser, in the eyes of themselves and other men. Dating is about having a woman who is willing to tolerate us enough to spend time with us. You don't get that from friends.

 

[Quagmire]

I do the same thing. Several guys have asked me to date them, and while I like them, I just don't think I'd want to be with them forever. The way I see it, if I don't want to be in a romantic relationship with someone forever, why bother dating them at all? That, and I don't ever plan on having sex with them, so I don't see a difference between dating and friendship. What I don't understand is how so many guys don't even seem to want to be my friend anymore if I won't date them. I just don't understand. They know I won't have sex with them, so what's the point in calling our relationship dating if there is nothing that separates it from not dating? Isn't sex the only difference?

For guys your age, there's more to dating then just the "Oh boy! Now I get to have sex part", Hannah.

There's the "Now my friends will know I'm not gay" part.

and the "Now I can hit my parents up for even more money" part (because dating is expensive).

and perhaps most importantly, the "Now [woman's name] can't have sex with anybody else!!" part.

Relationships are complicated. :yes:

 

[dawny0826]

Basically, my mindset seems to be, "If there's doubt, then there is no doubt" i.e. if I'm not 100% certain about being with someone, then I shouldn't persue a relationship.

This isn't something I've decided, it just seems to be the way it is. For example, there's a girl back in my home town, who I'm pretty sure likes me... well... she's attractive and I see no reason why we couldn't get along... but there's just this annoying feeling stopping me. I'm not affraid, so much as I am uncomfortable. Questions like, "Well, can you see yourself with this person in 5 years? 10 years? LIFE? Are you completely sure you want to go down this road!?" seem to play out in my head, though I feel them more than think them.

I'm of the belief (misguided or otherwise) that if you're going to engage in a relationship, then it's for the long haul, I don't want to hurt anyone. This attitude kind of leads me to the feeling that I'll just know if I've met the right person, I won't have all this mental chatter and weird intuitions and uncertainty...

Am I right about this in your collective experience? Or should I just talk to this girl and see what happens?

I think perhaps you should ask yourself what it is that you would really want in a relationship. Are you looking for someone for the long haul or are you simply subscribing to the notion that this is the way it's supposed to be? You'll need to figure this out for yourself.

It's totally normal to have anxiety when pondering over any sort of potential relationship. Kudos to you for being thoughtful.

Relationships never come without risks. Love in general, doesn't exist without risks. You have to determine whether or not you're willing to take risks. My advice, be true to yourself and enjoy the journey.

In my experience, I've taken risks and I've been burned in relationships but every experience was a step to where I needed to be and to the person that I needed to be with. You'll never find perfection in a relationship and there isn't anything in this life that is designed to last forever as change is inevitabe. You'll hurt. You'll hurt people. It's par for the course. But that doesn't mean that you can't find something really worthwhile with another person even if it doesn't last forever.

 

[JeLy]

Dating someone doesn't mean you have to get married - it simply means that you enjoy that person's company and you'd like to get to know them further. If you enter into a relationship openly and honestly, and the other person does as well, there's little risk of being disappointed or reason to be afraid.

My personal philosophy on dating is that if I like someone, I see them. I don't think about forever, I simply think about right now. There's no sense in avoiding a potentially good relationship because you're afraid you might get "stuck" with them. Not to mention the fact that none of us knows how long we are here... might as well take every opportunity you want.

 

[zenzero]

Friend JeLy,

Yes, that is perfect.
HERE-NOW!
who knows any tomorrow.
Live life HERE-NOW!

Love & rgds

 

[Kilgore Trout]

I'm of the belief (misguided or otherwise) that if you're going to engage in a relationship, then it's for the long haul, I don't want to hurt anyone. This attitude kind of leads me to the feeling that I'll just know if I've met the right person, I won't have all this mental chatter and weird intuitions and uncertainty...

As far as relationships go, making not hurting someone your primary aim, is the surest way to ensure that you also don't bring anyone else joy, or yourself for that matter.

When it comes down to it, when you meet someone you should be with, all those types of intellectualizations about relationships fly out the window. Assuming that you don't have emotional issues which prevent you from engaging in a relationship.

I don't know how old you are, but you have to learn what you want and need in another person, and also how to be in a relationship yourself. The only way to do this is to be in relationships. And you can't expect every one to be perfect from the start.

 

[Sunstone]

If you date someone and kiss them, then you have to marry them because they might be pregnant now. That's all I know about it.

 

[DarkSun]

Basically, my mindset seems to be, "If there's doubt, then there is no doubt" i.e. if I'm not 100% certain about being with someone, then I shouldn't persue a relationship.

This isn't something I've decided, it just seems to be the way it is. For example, there's a girl back in my home town, who I'm pretty sure likes me... well... she's attractive and I see no reason why we couldn't get along... but there's just this annoying feeling stopping me. I'm not affraid, so much as I am uncomfortable. Questions like, "Well, can you see yourself with this person in 5 years? 10 years? LIFE? Are you completely sure you want to go down this road!?" seem to play out in my head, though I feel them more than think them.

I'm of the belief (misguided or otherwise) that if you're going to engage in a relationship, then it's for the long haul, I don't want to hurt anyone. This attitude kind of leads me to the feeling that I'll just know if I've met the right person, I won't have all this mental chatter and weird intuitions and uncertainty...

Am I right about this in your collective experience? Or should I just talk to this girl and see what happens?

I agree with you.

If there is any doubt in your mind that the relationship won't work out, any at all, then it's probably better that you don't get too involved.

Hurting yourself and someone else at the same time doesn't sound too appealing, IMO.

 

[whereismynotecard]

Wow, this post really makes me sad . You have people who want to date you, but you turn them down because you think they might want sex? Bah, if they know you and still want to date you, they obviously aren't in it for the sex. Dating is so much more than sex. It's a status thing for men. If they can't secure a girlfriend, then that makes them a loser, in the eyes of themselves and other men. Dating is about having a woman who is willing to tolerate us enough to spend time with us. You don't get that from friends.

Well, when they keep saying "You'll change your mind," I kind of get the feeling that they are in it for sex. If they weren't, they'd just let it go and not mention it anymore.

 

[monta]

If you date someone and kiss them, then you have to marry them because they might be pregnant now. That's all I know about it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pfk7WM0AYcI

 

[Kathryn]

To me it depends on the stage you're in with your life. Are you wanting to date, with the intention of marrying within a few years, or are you wanting to date to have fun, have some companionship, get to know different types of people, etc.? Neither scenario is wrong in my opinion, but each one demands a different approach.

I was married when I was young (20). I didn't have a lot of different dating experiences. This, in my opinion, was a mistake. Now, by "dating experiences" I don't mean a lot of superficial sexual escapades. I mean, I didn't have relationships on a mental, emotional, or physical nature with enough men to know enough about who I was compatible with.

When I got divorced at age 42, I decided I wasn't going to make that mistake again. Oh man, I was like a kid in a candy store! I knew I wanted to remarry, because I am just wired together to be monogamous, and I love sex, and I enjoy having a companion around, so...I knew I was going to remarry - it was the best option for me. But there was no rush.

Ok so here's what I did (I was pretty methodical about it!): I determined a set of parameters that I wouldn't waver on when it came to dating men. In my case they were:

1. He must be a Christian (and by that I mean not just professing - actually living it)
2. He must be intelligent
3. He must have a sense of humor
4. He must be fiscally responsible
5. He must be a good dad (if he had kids)

The rest - age, race, type of work, interests, looks, even health - all those were open territory. But I wouldn't compromise on the main five elements.

I had an absolute blast! I read that book "He's Just Not That Into You" and determined that if things didn't "click" on the first date - if he didn't seem interested or I wasn't interested - I would just move on. That's so early in the game no one can get hurt. And I also determined I wouldn't call guys - I wouldn't pursue them on the front end, they would have to pursue me (I like my men with a healthy dose of testosterone!). After all - if he can't man up enough to pursue a woman he's interested in, I am frankly not interested in him.

I dated all sorts of people. I met a lot of really great guys. I am sure they are making some women some fine husbands by now, and I wish them luck. I didn't date many jerks - not more than once or twice anyway - because the minute that trait reared it's head, I was outta there. Life's too short.

I found out a lot about myself in that year or so of dating mania. One thing I found out is that to me - age matters. I tried dating younger (ten years younger) and older (15 years older) guys and it just didn't work. I didn't know that till I tried though, right?

I also found out that most guys in the age range I was dating (40s) very much appreciated the fact that I let them do the pursuing and calling initially. No pressure.

When I met the man who is now my husband, lo and behold, he had been taking the same approach I had been. On our very first date (and we had both had a LOT of first - and last - dates!), it was instantaneous, spontaneous combustion - and we've been together ever since. We've been married four years now and rarely argue or even raise our voices at each other. But we laugh a whole lot, and we are madly in love with each other.

So, my advice is - date as many women as you want to - without compromising your values. I think if you take that approach, you will be fine, and the women you date will appreciate your honesty.

Don't waste their time - and don't waste yours. If an attraction is there, explore it. But know what your deal killers are - and don't hesitate to move on if one of them surfaces.

Good luck!

 

[enchanted_one1975]

It sounds to me like deep down inside you are not ready for commitment. That's fine, just don't lead anyone on.

 

[DallasApple]

Well, when they keep saying "You'll change your mind," I kind of get the feeling that they are in it for sex. If they weren't, they'd just let it go and not mention it anymore.

I agree with you..

They may not be in it for "only sex" ..but sex is an "assumed" eventual.

Plus you are challenging them by saying that will never happen.

They may want to be the one that manages to convince you to change your mind.

Its beyond the scope of their mind that a pretty and intelligent 20 year old will never have sex at all for her entire life.

If they got you it woudl be this music in their heads I imagine..2001 Space Odyssey

With this image..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vahx4rAd0N0

Love

Dallas

 

[Alceste]

Basically, my mindset seems to be, "If there's doubt, then there is no doubt" i.e. if I'm not 100% certain about being with someone, then I shouldn't persue a relationship... "Well, can you see yourself with this person in 5 years? 10 years? LIFE? Are you completely sure you want to go down this road!?"

Those are some pretty high stakes you've laid out for yourself there. I think you should relax.

I'm of the belief (misguided or otherwise) that if you're going to engage in a relationship, then it's for the long haul, I don't want to hurt anyone. This attitude kind of leads me to the feeling that I'll just know if I've met the right person, I won't have all this mental chatter and weird intuitions and uncertainty...

Am I right about this in your collective experience? Or should I just talk to this girl and see what happens?

IMO, you won't ever get that "feeling" if you aren't open to the idea of botching it all up. Or you'll get it, but she won't feel the same. Or you'll THINK you got it, then be devastated to discover that wasn't it after all, and you've made all kinds of promises in the heat of the moment you are now unable to keep.

Practice makes perfect, as they say. I met "the one" and got "the feeling", but it wasn't until I was in my thirties and had already broken quite a few good hearts with my non-commital dithering. You might ask yourself how long you are willing to be alone rather than looking at individual girls you barely know and deciding whether you want to marry them before even bothering to have a conversation over a cup of coffee.

That said, I think you should have faith in that belief in the "feeling", but only if you have come to terms with the prospect of spending your entire life alone. That's the conclusion I eventually came to before I met Wampus. (Him too). In fact, I think we were both looking forward to it.

Most people are not prepared to accept the prospect of a solitary life in order to appease that intuitive feeling that 100 % certainty is possible. Eventually, most of us decide to make the most of a relationship that "only" gives them 70 or 80 %, to pick a random number out of my arse. Nothing wrong with that. We'd die off if people didn't do it.