Your question is valid and honest--and complex. Also personal. You're grappling with theism vs. atheism. This is a question everyone has to figure out for themselves. I will try to communicate my personal approach to some of what you're getting at, and while I hope it will help, it is really hard to transmit it across the gap between me and you (or anyone else.)
For me, the only faith I have is in reality. If there is a God, I think I will find Her there. I start from reality and the empirical, scientific study of reality. It seems to me that has done the best job of giving us knowledge about the world we live in.
The more I study reality, the natural ("material") world, the more mysterious, wonderful and spiritual I find it. As you progress in understanding the discoveries of modern physics and biology, you begin (or rather, I begin) to piece together a vision of the universe that is much like that of the highest spiritual thinkers.
For example, spiritual leaders try to get us to see that the universe is One, and we part of that One. It turns out to be completely true, according to the most recent research into physics. There is only one kind of stuff in the universe, energy/matter, which can transmute, but never come into existence or go out of existence. We are all temporary arrangements or manifestations of this eternal stuff: you, me, a trilobite and the horseshoe nebula. The energy/matter that is you right this millisecond will be part of the air in a moment, and one day spread across the sky, in what is a moment in universal time. I find this a spiritual, but factual, way to understand who we are.
That's just one example. I could go on and on. We're all related to all organisms, literally related, a distant cousin to every living thing, and a close cousin to every human being who has ever lived. I'm sure you can imagine how understanding this might affect your thinking on ethics.
It turns out that we are naturally evolved to be kind and compassionate, and that kindness and compassion give us joy. Being selfish and grasping does not lead to personal happiness.
Other kinds of people are not evil and we don't have to destroy them. On the contrary, they are pretty much just like us, and it is quite possible to live in peace with them.
All this is science, pure science.
Some see in this a powerful being behind it all, and that well may be. But one other thing I get from science is that any such being would be so far outside our comprehension that we might as well treat It as not existing, which is what I do. If it makes you feel better to conceptualize it that way, O.K. I just leave huge question marks around the edge of our understanding of everything, where it shades off into stuff we don't and can't know. And I can live with that.
I find this stuff hard to discuss with other people, but I enjoy open-minded discussion of it, so am happy to do so if you are interested.