Evil Manager

[lewisnotmiller]

So, my boss and my bosses boss approached me with the following conversation;

We have a problem we think you can help with. We want to appoint a new consulting manager from the existing team. We have 2 people in mind;
One wants the job, but we don't think he's up to it.
The other is up to it, but we don't think he wants the job.

Guess which one you are??

So, now that I've been railroaded into management (not for the first time, sadly) I have decided I should have some fun with the position, and make everyone regret their decision.
Any thoughts? I was thinking;

1) Rename all business consultants to 'minions'.
2) Schedule all performance reviews during happy hour at the pub, and refuse to speak due to having a sore throat, miraculously cured when provided a tasty beverage.
3) Change the dress code to demand everyone dresses in black suits, dress in grey myself, and grow a tiny little moustache.
4) Harrass people constantly about getting their timesheets in on time. (everyone knows I'm constantly behind on my timesheets)
5) Not let people know when other consultants (sorry, minions) have gone on leave and then intimate that 'They knew too much and we had to "deal" with them'

Any other thoughts?
For anyone that doesn't know me, nothing is too petty.
For anyone that DOES know me, yes...there is definitely a chance I actually do some of these these. I almost feel sorry for them.

 

[icehorse]

Going forward, every receipt for every expense report must be scotch-taped - on all four sides - on a separate piece of paper and the resulting stack of papers submitted to the accounting clerk by hand. This will greatly improve the efficiency of the accounting clerk.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

Going forward, every receipt for every expense report must be scotch-taped - on all four sides - on a separate piece of paper and the resulting stack of papers submitted to the accounting clerk by hand. This will greatly improve the efficiency of the accounting clerk.

Oooh...I like it. Mind you, the accounting clerk doubles as HR manager, and she frankly scares the Bejesus out of me.
I never carried garlic to work before she took over.

 

[Shadow Wolf]

So, now that I've been railroaded into management (not for the first time, sadly) I have decided I should have some fun with the position, and make everyone regret their decision.

When I was management at a company, I didn't often have to go to the office, but when I did I made sure to have my Tripp pants on (excessively and exceedingly baggy black pants with lots of chains and studs), all my piercings in, and Slayer/Lamb of God/Cradle of Filth shirt on.

 

[Father Heathen]

Have deadlines be arbitrarily determined by spinning a wheel (with none of the potential results being realistic time frames, regardless.)

Assign different members within a group a significantly disproportionate amount of work each, then when the one with the least to do finishes, ask the rest of the group why they haven't finished too and then berate them for dragging their feet.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

When I was management at a company, I didn't often have to go to the office, but when I did I made sure to have my Tripp pants on (excessively and exceedingly baggy black pants with lots of chains and studs), all my piercings in, and Slayer/Lamb of God/Cradle of Filth shirt on.

Sadly, I can't. I'll me middle management, and apart from not shaving, and refusing to wear a suit jacket or tie, I'm hamstrung. I'm also too old to pull of this look. Which would actually make it hilarious.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

Have deadlines be arbitrarily determined by spinning a wheel (with none of the potential results being realistic time frames, regardless.)

Wow. I LOVE this! Definite winner.
I think I might put one almost realistic time frame in there, just to give people hope.

 

[Shadow Wolf]

I'm also too old to pull of this look.

Some say I'm too old now and I still rock it once in awhile.

 

[Father Heathen]

Oh, have a point system that blatantly rewards "brown nosing" rather than actual performance.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

Some say I'm too old now and I still rock it once in awhile.

You might be getting old, but I'm proof YECs are wrong.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

Oh, have a point system that blatantly rewards "brown nosing" rather than actual performance.

That already exists. I managed to get my appointment only because there is a line where brown nosing is too embarrassingly blatant.
The guy that was option B (wants it but not competent) is commonly referred to an 'Ankles'.

As in : So far up his managers butt the only part of him visible is his ankles.

Sadly, I am now his manager.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

Assign different members within a group a significantly disproportionate amount of work each, then when the one with the least to do finishes, ask the rest of the group why they haven't finished too and then berate them for dragging their feet.

The passive-aggressive possibilities of this are endless.
You should write a book with this stuff.

 

[Shadow Wolf]

Oh, have a point system that blatantly rewards "brown nosing" rather than actual performance.

That's not evil. That's normal.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

That's not evil. That's normal.

The two are not mutually exclusive...

 

[sun rise]

What a tremendous sense of accomplishment you must feel in middle management with crap raining down on your head from above and shoved up your clothing from your minions below. Your job, of course, is to keep smelling like a rose.

I was a 1st level manager a couple of times in my career. In one, I was blessed with a quit-or-be-fired message after I told a direct report what he was doing wrong and he got offended with my boss.

When all is ranted and raved, there is one recourse always available:

 

[Father Heathen]

You should write a book with this stuff.

Let's just say that at my last job I worked under a manager who, out of all my years of work experience, was by far the worse. She herself was transferred to where I was working because she was initially fired from her previous position, but her husband worked high up in the company and pulled strings to save her ***. Her ego far exceeded her intelligence, very petty and vindictive, and she refused to be informed or corrected about anything, refused to hear any questions or concerns, etc. She would want X done in Y amount of time, and it didn't matter how completely unrealistic, inconsistent, and arbitrary her expectations were. If you didn't get what she wanted done when she wanted it, she would promptly terminate you. Heck, even if you pulled off what was expected, she would fabricate a reason to give rid of you if she didn't like you (i.e. anyone who didn't slather her *** with kisses) There was a mass exodus of transfers, all of the managers beneath her jumped ship, turnover was atrocious, etc. She even had her direct boss under her thumb, because he was an awkward, easily manipulated milquetoast.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

What a tremendous sense of accomplishment you must feel in middle management with crap raining down on your head from above and shoved up your clothing from your minions below. Your job, of course, is to keep smelling like a rose.

I was a 1st level manager a couple of times in my career. In one, I was blessed with a quit-or-be-fired message after I told a direct report what he was doing wrong and he got offended with my boss.

When all is ranted and raved, there is one recourse always available:

I was contracting to a company last time I was in this position. I had a fair amount of autonomy, so I went and hired my replacement. It took about 18 months for me to get things squared away enough that I could leave (being fair to both them and me, etc) but I thought I'd escaped. 2 years later, different company, I'm back in middle management.

I must have a sign that says 'Kick Me' on my back.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

Let's just say that at my last job I worked under a manager who, out of all my years of work experience, was by far the worse. She herself was transferred to where I was working because she was initially fired from her previous position, but her husband worked high up in the company and pulled strings to save her ***. Her ego far exceeded her intelligence, very petty and vindictive, and she refused to be informed or corrected about anything, refused to hear any questions or concerns, etc. She would want X done in Y amount of time, and it didn't matter how completely unrealistic, inconsistent, and arbitrary her expectations were. If you didn't get what she wanted done when she wanted it, she would promptly terminate you. Heck, even if you pulled off what was expected, she would fabricate a reason to give rid of you if she didn't like you (i.e. anyone who didn't slather her *** with kisses) There was a mass exodus of transfers, all of the managers beneath her jumped ship, turnover was atrocious, etc. She even had her direct boss under her thumb, because he was an awkward, easily manipulated milquetoast.

Yuck. That sounds horrible, mate.
For what it's worth, that's the opposite to how I try to act as manager. I want smart people working under me. I would be insane to then suppress them. Better they are, better I look.

 

[Father Heathen]

Yuck. That sounds horrible, mate.
For what it's worth, that's the opposite to how I try to act as manager. I want smart people working under me. I would be insane to then suppress them. Better they are, better I look.

Of course. She was just a case of low intelligence paired with huge ego, a suspected pill problem, and a protected position (if it weren't for her husband, she would've been booted out the door a long time ago.)

After I had left, my health noticeably improved. It was just a very unpleasant place to work.

 

[columbus]

ThePeter principle

is a concept in management theory formulated by Laurence J. Peter and published in 1969. It states that the selection of a candidate for a position is based on the candidate's performance in their current role, rather than on abilities relevant to the intended role. Thus, employees only stop being promoted once they can no longer perform effectively, and "managers rise to the level of their incompetence."

Peter principle - Wikipedia

There is also a later book, The Peter Prescription.

Tom