For Christians: Frustrated...sexually

[zomg]

Could be a horomone inbalance. You might look into that.

2-3 times a month isn't THAT bad.

 

[blackout]

2-3 times a month isn't THAT bad.

True. I'm lookin' at once every 2 to 3 months.
But occasional love is far better than no love at all.
Which is what I had before.
So I'm not complaining.

EDIT: Though my Muses and I have quite a time of it in between..... :flirt:
and that would be mostly a daily affair.

 

[Truth_Faith13]

thank god I`m an atheist.

Phrases like that just make me laugh!

 

[Dunemeister]

Things change over time. When my wife and I first got married, we made love like ferrets. Good grief, I thought the little guy would fall off!! Within five years things had slowed down so that at times we went a couple of months between...ahem, you know. Now that she's in late pregnancy, it has been several months since we've...done it. Anyway, at least for us, this has not involved and does not involve any anxiety. I think the reason must be that we are so attentive to every other part of the relationship that periods of sexlessness don't perturb us.

If you were celibate before you got married, think of how you managed yourself then. In my case, I harnessed my sexual energy to accomplish other tasks. I had things in my life that provided meaningful relationships with others and kept me useful. I continue to do that while married, and that helps me to feel less frustrated with life, and hence less sexually frustrated.

So perhaps it's wise to step back and look at the whole life lived and not focus so much on you and her (although please do focus on that). Where else in your life are you feeling unfulfilled and perhaps a bit needy? Are you lacking in male friendships? How's your work? Do you have hobbies? Are you still healthy, or are you getting a bit lazy and fat (or weak and thin)? Any of these things, in combination, can contribute to what we perceive as sexual frustration, which in the end may turn out to be merely life frustration and boredom.

 

[linwood]

Phrases like that just make me laugh!

That was the intent.

 

[DallasApple]

Well I found the LDS thread and posted there. My post was removed because, silly me I used the same title. So rather than start over I came back to this one. Besides, I kind of liked some of the feedback. Ladies, you're right, what kind of "love" would it be if we had to argue about it. And maybe 2 or 3 times per month isn't bad, but compared to what we had.....
Also, the more I think about it the more I realize it's the closeness, the intimacy that I miss. Sure I mentioned masturbation and getting a release, but those are physical things. I am missing the emotional closeness that making love brings. Now this totally contradicts my first post, but you know us men, it takes us some time to figure things out. In short, I'm lonely. So given that, I guess what I was saying is that I can see why some men, in a moment of weakness, would/could have an affair. I reaffirm my conviction that this is not an option, just wanted to explain why I may have mentioned it in the first place. Still at a loss. She has agreed to a date tonight. Nice dinner, movie. I'm hoping we'll find a spark.

Thanks for clarifying.

Im glad you thought about it and figured out what it really is you miss about less sexual intimacy.

Have you told your wife what you just said here?Without mentioning being tempted to be with other women(dont say that please even if its not a consideration for you dont even go there).That its an emotional connection that brings on feelings of closeness through the physical ?And that you just miss that sometimes.

I would tell her that and then let it go for a while.Let her "resonate" on that.

Your initial post was more like..I love my wife and and want to have sex with her because I love her but she wont even though I have argued with her about it and I cant masturbate or be with another woman to satisfy that need because Im not allowed to.

A woman isnt most likely going to respond very well to that sentiment.And again you cant "argue" a woman (or a person for that matter) into feeling desire.You may be able to argue them into doing "it' more but you said its a "closeness" you miss and its not close if they are doing it to just get you off their back about "it".

And she will (most likely) take your "understanding" of why some men fall to temptation as a threat.Even if you dont mean it that way.

Love

Dallas

 

[DallasApple]

For you perhaps.

For me it`s a dealbreaker.

Posts like this make me thank god I`m an atheist.

I have no idea what you mean by this..but I'll assume the best intention.

What I said has nothing to do with being an athiest or a of a religious belief.

Love

Dallas

 

[DallasApple]

Also..Mormon Dad...I want to apologize if I seemed to or did minimize your pain.You just need to be careful how you talk to your wife about this.As well as decide if she isnt or cant compromise with more frequency..if you can learnto just cherish all the more the times you have.And not become obsessed and derailed over wanting more.

Love

Dallas

 

[MormonDadTX]

Okay, I'm back. My wife had a death in her family so I didn't think it was an appropriate time to discuss this particular subject. We have since had a discussion. She said she is not turned on by me anymore, and doesn't feel close to me anymore because I don't listen to her anymore. Now, the back story is that over the last couple of years my business has been going through significant changes. She used to work with me in my business, and left because she "wanted to be home with the kids". But now she says its because she felt I wasn't valuing her opinion, and she feels I don't listen to her ideas or I shut her out and don't listen when she is talking. I will admit that there have been a number of times when she has asked if I heard what she said, I have said "no". I have been so preoccupied with work, and keeping my business going, that I my mind if often trying to solve those problems 24/7. I've explained that I value her opinion, that what she says matters to me. But she doesn't believe me anymore. To me, she has had great ideas, that I have implemented and had great success with. To her, I've trashed all her suggestions. The bottom line is this: she feels ignored, and unappreciated. She feels I don't value her enough as a person to even listen to her, so therefore, all desires to be close and intimate with me have shut down. I'm sitting here thinking that she is so wrong. But if that is her perception, then that is her truth I guess.

 

[git-r-done]

Find a loop-hole in your religion. It's what most religions do if some essentials are forbiden (IE on the 7th day you can't do such and such but what if you have a medical emergency and need electricity to save your life!).

If it says you can't use your hand, use something like a fleshlight (gadget that vibrates and does it for you). So, technically, you are not going against your religion teachings, and you can get what you need. Only other option is to wait for a wet dream or chose a religion that makes your life better. Remember, you only live once.

 

[Kathryn]

Okay, I'm back. My wife had a death in her family so I didn't think it was an appropriate time to discuss this particular subject. We have since had a discussion. She said she is not turned on by me anymore, and doesn't feel close to me anymore because I don't listen to her anymore. Now, the back story is that over the last couple of years my business has been going through significant changes. She used to work with me in my business, and left because she "wanted to be home with the kids". But now she says its because she felt I wasn't valuing her opinion, and she feels I don't listen to her ideas or I shut her out and don't listen when she is talking. I will admit that there have been a number of times when she has asked if I heard what she said, I have said "no". I have been so preoccupied with work, and keeping my business going, that I my mind if often trying to solve those problems 24/7. I've explained that I value her opinion, that what she says matters to me. But she doesn't believe me anymore. To me, she has had great ideas, that I have implemented and had great success with. To her, I've trashed all her suggestions. The bottom line is this: she feels ignored, and unappreciated. She feels I don't value her enough as a person to even listen to her, so therefore, all desires to be close and intimate with me have shut down. I'm sitting here thinking that she is so wrong. But if that is her perception, then that is her truth I guess.

Wow, this is a great post - now we're getting somewhere. This IS her truth, and you'll have to come to grips with it (no pun intended).

You yourself admit that your mind has been occupied with your business. Now - I'm not saying she has no fault in this whole matter - but I'm not talking with her, I'm talking with you. I would have different advice for her.

I think it's obvious you love your wife, and respect her. What a great place to start! You also want to be faithful to her - what a lucky woman she is!

My advice would be to make a conscious effort to STOP and LISTEN to her. Go to her and ask her for her advice. Implement something she suggests and then give her positive feedback. Then do it again. And again.

Romance your wife. But also - you mentioned that she's in her forties. Women go through a lot hormonally during that decade. I am 47 and it was in my forties that I realized that I was middle aged - and if I didn't want to be a dumpy middle aged woman with a spare tire and varicose veins, I would have to really work at it. Some of what she may be experiencing may be related to insecurity about her changing body. It may be easier for her to blame external factors than to admit that she is insecure about the changes that she is experiencing.

Now - my advice to her however would be to let you in - literally and figuratively. She may not "feel" like it the first five minutes but it would shock me if she didn't realize afterwards that it was worth the initial "sacrifice."

Women need to know - men take sexual rejection as a lack of respect and appreciation, and it leaves them in a vulnerable position.

If we would focus more on our spouses needs than our own, things sure would run more smoothly.

 

[git-r-done]

That's amazing advice.

Make her feel needed and she will love you for it.

A rolling stone gathers no moss..

 

[Kathryn]

Most people enjoy feeling at least somewhat necessary in the lives of others. It can contribute to a feeling of purpose.

On the other hand, if I was in a relationship where I didn't feel as if my opinions or beliefs mean much to the other person - well, I personally would feel used and disrespected. But that's just my opinion.

It sure would affect my libido though - at least toward that particular person!

No access to the body unless the mind is respected!

 

[MormonDadTX]

I really appreciate the feedback. I have heard her say over and over "I'm not needed anymore". I thought I was spoiling her by providing luxuries like maids and nannies. Giving her the plastic surgery she asked for so she wouldn't feel, or seem to feel, those things about her body. But all along, she kept saying "I'm not needed anymore". And when it comes right down to it, I began to resent her too. So it was an ugly cycle we would get into. She didn't feel valued, I thought she was being a spoiled queen, I was busy with work, because I was spoiling her I wanted more sex, she wanted it less because she felt less valued, bla bla bla.

 

[Kathryn]

Wow! I really do hope you two can get back on the right track. It sounds like you really do love each other, and that's what's important.

In my first marriage, my husband "spoiled me" with flowers, gifts, material things all the time. But he treated me with great disrespect, and eventually when he would come home with presents, all I wanted to do was hurl them into his face, along with some very select four letter words. That marriage did not survive. I guess money can buy some semblance of love - but not my rendition of love.

I am married now to a fine man who values me body, soul, spirit and mind. We are best friends.

I wish you luck!

 

[MormonDadTX]

Wow, we have gone through that stage. She has asked me to stop bringing home flowers or any other gifts, because they make her sick. Now my gut check moment. It's what she has been saying, and you just said it....Do I really disrespect my wife? I say I love her, I feel love for her, I don't want to be with anyone else. But respect....

 

[Kathryn]

That should be the very crux of your relationship. "Love" is really a matter of respect, the ultimate respect for the body, soul, spirit and mind of another person. Don't confuse physical desires or comfort for love - they ain't even close to the real thing.

But you probably already know that!

 

[MormonDadTX]

That should be the very crux of your relationship. "Love" is really a matter of respect, the ultimate respect for the body, soul, spirit and mind of another person. Don't confuse physical desires or comfort for love - they ain't even close to the real thing.

But you probably already know that!

Am I that shallow? Men, we are messed up! I think spoil her with a bunch of stuff and that equals love, she feels less involved and therefore less respected, I think I should be getting more sex not less, I probably do disrespect her because I am resentful of the queen I have created...Holy Crap!

I have been defining physical closeness, sex, as love and respect. You're right, not the same, I need to apologize to her.

 

[Kathryn]

Well, in your defense, intelligent women should also realize that if they value their relationship with their mate, they will not withhold sex or use it as a bargaining tool. In my experience, men tend to equate sexual closeness with respect for them as well, and don't take too well to the whole "holding out" thing.

Besides that, holding out sexually cheapens sex. It makes it a commodity rather than an expression of love. Human love can never be perfect, so it's unrealistic to expect sex to be always in a perfect context.

But unless a partner is abusive of the relationship, sex between a husband and wife should generally be generous, forgiving, accepting, and kind. And never a weapon of control!

 

[MormonDadTX]

I've been ready the book "What Women Want Men to Know". It talks alot about a women needing to feel valued and safe in a relationship. The way that is done from my side is including her in my "world". I've been trying. My wife said she has noticed my openness to share more information about work, my willingness to discuss problems, and let her be a part, without thinking she is trying to take over or control. She said she is still nervous about letting her guard down, but this is going in the right direction. She has also scheduled an appointment to see a Dr. about getting her hormones checked. She had a partial hysterectomy (uterus only) 4 years ago, but maybe some of these issues, she admits, could be a result of her being out of balance.