Give me a friendly advice

[Sabour]

We all have our good side and our bad side ... Well not that bad, but we all have one thing that we would love to change about ourselves ... Well maybe not all of us but you know my point

Anyways, among the many reasons (boring being at top) people don't like being around me is because I seem unfriendly, although I am not. I always seem to be frowning, drawing the impression that I dislike the person I am speaking with or that I don't like what I am seeing.

Now that is causing me problems directly or indirectly. My relation with most of the people is not that good, unless they take the time to really know me in person. I never had big number of friends as people other people in my area have and I guess that this is the main reason. I didn't work in a place where communication is essential but I am worried about this. This is my greatest concern.

I seem to have the right reasons to change. The first is that Islam teaches me to smile in the face of people and I am trying to be a practicing muslim in every possible way. The second is that I dont want to have this attitude (I don't know what to call it) in the workplace as it may cause me problems with colleagues and clients. I am really worried about this.

Now I have tried that in the past. I tried to smile at people and give the impression that I am friendly. I tried for like 2 -3 months to do that. I decided to stop because I felt it was awkward and it was obvious for many people that I was trying to force it. I sensed that I was being seen as a hypocrite by some people and that was the end of that.

Now, I would like to ask how can I show that I am friendly? How can I smile at other people? How can I erase my frown?

I am open to advice.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

Hard to answer this, and there is nothing wrong with being true to yourself.
But perhaps rather than trying to make yourself more approachable, you could try being the one to approach others?

Make sure you say good morning to people directly and personally when you arrive in the morning, for example? This will help break down barriers people are perceiving.

 

[sun rise]

You're right that you can't force a smile. My question to you is whether or not some part of you is frowning or unhappy inside. But then what shows on the outside is due to the inner. Since you are a Muslim, you might benefit from counseling from an Islamic perspective. I don't know where you live but maybe you can find someone. For example, some internet searching found this web site: http://islamiconlineuniversity.com/counseling/counsel.php or this list http://mentalhealth4muslims.com/mental-health-directory/

I don't know anything about these except what's on the internet so due diligence is needed. But I pray you find the inner joy that manifests in the face as a smile.

 

[DawudTalut]

.......
Anyways, among the many reasons (boring being at top) people don't like being around me is because I seem unfriendly, although I am not. I always seem to be frowning, drawing the impression that I dislike the person I am speaking with or that I don't like what I am seeing.

Now that is causing me problems directly or indirectly. My relation with most of the people is not that good, unless they take the time to really know me in person. ........

Now I have tried that in the past. I tried to smile at people and give the impression that I am friendly. I tried for like 2 -3 months to do that. I decided to stop because I felt it was awkward and it was obvious for many people that I was trying to force it. I sensed that I was being seen as a hypocrite by some people and that was the end of that.

Now, I would like to ask how can I show that I am friendly? How can I smile at other people? How can I erase my frown?

I am open to advice.

Peace be on you.
Some overhauling is needed:
1=Please read role model of Holy Prophet (pbuh) how he dealt so many various people friendly
Pages 306 +++ @
https://www.alislam.org/library/books/Introduction-Study-Holy-Quran.pdf

2=https://www.quora.com/Why-do-people-pull-away-from-me

 

[Aupmanyav]

I always seem to be frowning, drawing the impression that I dislike the person I am speaking with or that I don't like what I am seeing.

Perhaps you are like that only and require a complete overhaul. Do you think people like all the things that you may be doing? Like frowning? Are you their boss, are you in any way superior? Ego. Meditate, pranayama. Have you heard of that?

 

[YmirGF]

We all have our good side and our bad side ... Well not that bad, but we all have one thing that we would love to change about ourselves ... Well maybe not all of us but you know my point

Anyways, among the many reasons (boring being at top) people don't like being around me is because I seem unfriendly, although I am not. I always seem to be frowning, drawing the impression that I dislike the person I am speaking with or that I don't like what I am seeing.

My guess is that you frown so much because you are unhappy. Other human animals, generally speaking, do not like being around people who are a downer or are depressing.

Now that is causing me problems directly or indirectly. My relation with most of the people is not that good, unless they take the time to really know me in person. I never had big number of friends as people other people in my area have and I guess that this is the main reason. I didn't work in a place where communication is essential but I am worried about this. This is my greatest concern.

I seem to have the right reasons to change. The first is that Islam teaches me to smile in the face of people and I am trying to be a practicing muslim in every possible way. The second is that I dont want to have this attitude (I don't know what to call it) in the workplace as it may cause me problems with colleagues and clients. I am really worried about this.

I can see how this could be a problem. People pick up a huge amount of information from non-verbal communication. Non-verbally, they sense that you are not like them and they sense that you are not genuinely happy or comfortable with yourself. Your lack of empathy for your fellow human animals radiates from you almost as strongly as your perma-frown. Try "to be a practicing Muslim in every possible way" is probably not helping in this regard and is likely making things worse.

Now I have tried that in the past. I tried to smile at people and give the impression that I am friendly. I tried for like 2 -3 months to do that. I decided to stop because I felt it was awkward and it was obvious for many people that I was trying to force it. I sensed that I was being seen as a hypocrite by some people and that was the end of that.

Again, it is your non-verbal cues that are giving things away. People are not stupid nor are they detached from their emotions. I'll bet you never make jokes or say things that OTHERS will think amusing, right? Humor doesn't come to you easily, I'd bet. Humor is dangerous though. If you don't get it right, a joke can backfire and you have to be ready for that. Perhaps it's because you take yourself too seriously?

Now, I would like to ask how can I show that I am friendly? How can I smile at other people? How can I erase my frown?

I am open to advice.

Try learning about humor. A few well timed jokes that land just right can pave the way to better relations with others. Take it from an irrepressible old hound. If you can make people laugh, you can make them smile and you will smile back. It does take practice though. Maybe try the self-deprecating angle. People already think you are a bit odd, so use that as your jumping off point.

I'll give you one to start with.

Q: How many Taliban freedom fighters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Said very dryly... as in you are not looking for laughs.. said, as if you are being quite serious.) "None. They prefer living in the dark!"

Tone of voice can also imply humor, but again, that takes a LOT of practice to get things right. Oh... and never underestimate the crowd pleasing effect of a sight gag.
Above all, be careful, as it takes awhile to develop a good sense of humor. Part of humor and the magic of humor is understanding what other people think IS funny.

Another word of caution. At first, you may find that people are less than enthusiastic, IE, "Oh, Jack just made a funny. Ha-ha." If you stick with it though and expect this sort of response you will eventually reap the rewards. Oh... and stay away from jokes ABOUT co-workers or your boss. Prolly not gonna go over too well... Save those for when you have a well established reputation of being a total laugh factory.

In closing, I'm going to invite two invertebrate clowns in to see if they have any further advice... @Wirey @Revoltingest

 

[David1967]

We all have our good side and our bad side ... Well not that bad, but we all have one thing that we would love to change about ourselves ... Well maybe not all of us but you know my point

Anyways, among the many reasons (boring being at top) people don't like being around me is because I seem unfriendly, although I am not. I always seem to be frowning, drawing the impression that I dislike the person I am speaking with or that I don't like what I am seeing.

Now that is causing me problems directly or indirectly. My relation with most of the people is not that good, unless they take the time to really know me in person. I never had big number of friends as people other people in my area have and I guess that this is the main reason. I didn't work in a place where communication is essential but I am worried about this. This is my greatest concern.

I seem to have the right reasons to change. The first is that Islam teaches me to smile in the face of people and I am trying to be a practicing muslim in every possible way. The second is that I dont want to have this attitude (I don't know what to call it) in the workplace as it may cause me problems with colleagues and clients. I am really worried about this.

Now I have tried that in the past. I tried to smile at people and give the impression that I am friendly. I tried for like 2 -3 months to do that. I decided to stop because I felt it was awkward and it was obvious for many people that I was trying to force it. I sensed that I was being seen as a hypocrite by some people and that was the end of that.

Now, I would like to ask how can I show that I am friendly? How can I smile at other people? How can I erase my frown?

I am open to advice.

That is difficult to answer as I have never met you, but your personality on this forum is very friendly. Some people just take a little more time to get to know. From what I have observed of you on this forum, I would say that if you can project the same friendly demeanor publicly as you do here you should do fine.

 

[Sabour]

You're right that you can't force a smile. My question to you is whether or not some part of you is frowning or unhappy inside. But then what shows on the outside is due to the inner. Since you are a Muslim, you might benefit from counseling from an Islamic perspective. I don't know where you live but maybe you can find someone. For example, some internet searching found this web site: http://islamiconlineuniversity.com/counseling/counsel.php or this list http://mentalhealth4muslims.com/mental-health-directory/

I don't know anything about these except what's on the internet so due diligence is needed. But I pray you find the inner joy that manifests in the face as a smile.

Thank you for your reply. You made me aware of a possible solution. I will look around in my area. Thanks for the thoughtful idea.

 

[Sabour]

Hard to answer this, and there is nothing wrong with being true to yourself.
But perhaps rather than trying to make yourself more approachable, you could try being the one to approach others?

I think that would be quite challenging, but achievable though.

Make sure you say good morning to people directly and personally when you arrive in the morning, for example? This will help break down barriers people are perceiving.

Well normally when I walk in I say peace be upon you. That is islamic and very friendly. I guess the "Good morning" is not the problem but rather what comes after that

 

[Sabour]

Peace be on you.
Some overhauling is needed:
1=Please read role model of Holy Prophet (pbuh) how he dealt so many various people friendly
Pages 306 +++ @
https://www.alislam.org/library/books/Introduction-Study-Holy-Quran.pdf

2=https://www.quora.com/Why-do-people-pull-away-from-me

For the first link, I think I would need more reading about the life of the prophet peace be upon him and how he was kind even to his enemies and how he used to talk and what did he use to say, I have a shortage in that area. But I think the real problem would be in the implementation.

As for the second link, I do seem to engage more in the "small talk", that is the talk for simply connecting. I am in fact a kind of an interviewer when I am talking. I always look for something to analyze and think about. I think engaging in "small talks" is one of the problems.

 

[Sabour]

Perhaps you are like that only and require a complete overhaul. Do you think people like all the things that you may be doing? Like frowning? Are you their boss, are you in any way superior? Ego. Meditate, pranayama. Have you heard of that?

I am currently unemployed, I said I am worried that what I stated in the OP would cause me problems in my workplace at the future.

I did hear about them, but I can't see how they would help my case as I am a happy person and I don't have stress, am very happy with the circle of friends I have atm. I am just hoping that at my first encounter with people, people won't dislike me. If they give me enough time, I am sure I would make them change their mind.

 

[Sabour]

My guess is that you frown so much because you are unhappy. Other human animals, generally speaking, do not like being around people who are a downer or are depressing.

I am not unhappy, quite the contrary. I am not a pessimist at all and I don't send negative vibes.

I can see how this could be a problem. People pick up a huge amount of information from non-verbal communication. Non-verbally, they sense that you are not like them and they sense that you are not genuinely happy or comfortable with yourself. Your lack of empathy for your fellow human animals radiates from you almost as strongly as your perma-frown. Try "to be a practicing Muslim in every possible way" is probably not helping in this regard and is likely making things worse.

Perhaps they have this wrong impression, that is a possibility.

When I sit down with some people and talk with them about their problem I do empathize, understand, and care. However I think the problem is that ALL THE TIMES, I choose to not engage in such conversation unless I have a solution for the problem, and most of the time I don't. I believe that talking more about the person's problems would make him frustrated about the issue all over again. Thank you for bringing this up, I think I need to change this.



No it is not making things worse, it is only the wrong way of doing it instead. I would very much prefer dealing with someone who is smiling rather than dealing with a person who is frowning.

I'll bet you never make jokes or say things that OTHERS will think amusing, right?

Actually I do it too often, but only with my close people I know and feel comfortable talking with. I think the reason is that I worry too much about what "strangers" would think.

Try learning about humor. A few well timed jokes that land just right can pave the way to better relations with others. Take it from an irrepressible old hound. If you can make people laugh, you can make them smile and you will smile back. It does take practice though. Maybe try the self-deprecating angle. People already think you are a bit odd, so use that as your jumping off point.

I'll give you one to start with.

Q: How many Taliban freedom fighters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Said very dryly... as in you are not looking for laughs.. said, as if you are being quite serious.) "None. They prefer living in the dark!"

Tone of voice can also imply humor, but again, that takes a LOT of practice to get things right. Oh... and never underestimate the crowd pleasing effect of a sight gag.
Above all, be careful, as it takes awhile to develop a good sense of humor. Part of humor and the magic of humor is understanding what other people think IS funny.

Another word of caution. At first, you may find that people are less than enthusiastic, IE, "Oh, Jack just made a funny. Ha-ha." If you stick with it though and expect this sort of response you will eventually reap the rewards. Oh... and stay away from jokes ABOUT co-workers or your boss. Prolly not gonna go over too well... Save those for when you have a well established reputation of being a total laugh factory.

Those are indeed very useful tips. Really helpful. Many thanks.

 

[Sabour]

That is difficult to answer as I have never met you, but your personality on this forum is very friendly. Some people just take a little more time to get to know. From what I have observed of you on this forum, I would say that if you can project the same friendly demeanor publicly as you do here you should do fine.

I am much more comfortable chatting with people then talking with them face to face.


Thank you for your kind words. I am friendly in real life too, but only after a couple of months of meeting new people. At the first couple of months, I am the shy guy that seems uninterested in any kind of conversation, unless it is an interview where I ask questions, get answers, and analyze the personality and situation.

It just hit me that all the problems I mentioned in the thread could be because I am having very high standards of who are the people I want to be in connection with.

 

[Sabour]

Thank you all for your answers, they were really helpful.

 

[Saint Frankenstein]

Sounds like social anxiety disorder. I have really bad social anxiety and probably Avoidant Personality Disorder. I don't walk around smiling and greeting people and don't typically present myself as friendly.

http://socialphobia.org/social-anxi...eatment-therapy-medications-insight-prognosis

 

[David1967]

I am much more comfortable chatting with people then talking with them face to face.


Thank you for your kind words. I am friendly in real life too, but only after a couple of months of meeting new people. At the first couple of months, I am the shy guy that seems uninterested in any kind of conversation, unless it is an interview where I ask questions, get answers, and analyze the personality and situation.

It just hit me that all the problems I mentioned in the thread could be because I am having very high standards of who are the people I want to be in connection with.

I am much like you in some ways. In my job (retail) I am very outgoing and friendly. Very talkative. But personally I'm a quiet person who enjoys solitude. I am friendly to all, and have many acquaintances. But close friends that I actually confide in, not many. And like you it takes a little time for me to get close to someone. Not necessarily a bad thing.

 

[David1967]

I am much more comfortable chatting with people then talking with them face to face.


Thank you for your kind words. I am friendly in real life too, but only after a couple of months of meeting new people. At the first couple of months, I am the shy guy that seems uninterested in any kind of conversation, unless it is an interview where I ask questions, get answers, and analyze the personality and situation.

It just hit me that all the problems I mentioned in the thread could be because I am having very high standards of who are the people I want to be in connection with.

And one more thing. There's nothing wrong with having high standards.

 

[Sabour]

I am much like you in some ways. In my job (retail) I am very outgoing and friendly. Very talkative. But personally I'm a quiet person who enjoys solitude. I am friendly to all, and have many acquaintances. But close friends that I actually confide in, not many. And like you it takes a little time for me to get close to someone. Not necessarily a bad thing.

The bad thing I guess would be the first impression I am leaving, I am working on changing this.

As for the rest you mentioned, I don't think it is a problem. Specially if it does you no harm at your workplace But I do very much prefer being friendly with all people and being able to break the ice with anyone.

I got introduced to a person lately who instantly talks with stranger and drop jokes.

 

[Sabour]

And one more thing. There's nothing wrong with having high standards.

Yep true that.

But does one has to have high standards for having random conversation with people he would probably meet only once?

 

[Sabour]

I got introduced to a person lately who instantly talks with stranger and drop jokes.

@David1967 forget to say that I liked very much the way in which this person conducts himself around people I just can't afford not to say hello " actually it is peace be upon you" with a big smile