Give me a friendly advice

[David1967]

The bad thing I guess would be the first impression I am leaving, I am working on changing this.

As for the rest you mentioned, I don't think it is a problem. Specially if it does you no harm at your workplace But I do very much prefer being friendly with all people and being able to break the ice with anyone.

I got introduced to a person lately who instantly talks with stranger and drop jokes.

Sounds like your just naturally a shy person. I can relate. Growing up I was very shy and slow to talk to new people. Getting up the nerve to ask a girl on a date was torture. Working in the public forced me out of my comfort zone. I'm still shy but talking with others comes easy now...and I have a beautiful wife, so that worked out too. I wouldn't worry too much about it. Just smile and introduce yourself. It really is that easy. The more you do it the easier it becomes.

 

[David1967]

Yep true that.

But does one has to have high standards for having random conversation with people he would probably meet only once?

Not at all. Friendly to all definitely. High standards for close friends is wise.

 

[Sabour]

Sounds like your just naturally a shy person. I can relate. Growing up I was very shy and slow to talk to new people. Getting up the nerve to ask a girl on a date was torture. Working in the public forced me out of my comfort zone. I'm still shy but talking with others comes easy now...and I have a beautiful wife, so that worked out too. I wouldn't worry too much about it. Just smile and introduce yourself. It really is that easy. The more you do it the easier it becomes.

The "shy thing" makes a lot of sense, and practicing something to make a habit is a good advice. Thanks

 

[David1967]

The "shy thing" makes a lot of sense, and practicing something to make a habit is a good advice. Thanks

You are most welcome. And peace be upon you as well.

 

[Saint Frankenstein]

I am much more comfortable chatting with people then talking with them face to face.


Thank you for your kind words. I am friendly in real life too, but only after a couple of months of meeting new people. At the first couple of months, I am the shy guy that seems uninterested in any kind of conversation, unless it is an interview where I ask questions, get answers, and analyze the personality and situation.

It just hit me that all the problems I mentioned in the thread could be because I am having very high standards of who are the people I want to be in connection with.

It really sounds like social anxiety. You should read about it. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_anxiety

It's interesting that you've replied to every post in this thread except for mine.

 

[Sabour]

It really sounds like social anxiety. You should read about it. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_anxiety

It's interesting that you've replied to every post in this thread except for mine.

I am extremely sorry for that. When you replied I was in the middle of the conversation with David and because your reply didn't quote my OP, there was no alert. So I didn't notice it, I thought I responded to all. Apologies again.

SF, I think this is exactly what I am experiencing. Thank you for your input.

I will be researching this.

 

[Aupmanyav]

Nice thread, nice answers. Try breath practice, pranayama. I am sure it will help. Wish you the best in future.

 

[Saint Frankenstein]

I am extremely sorry for that. When you replied I was in the middle of the conversation with David and because your reply didn't quote my OP, there was no alert. So I didn't notice it, I thought I responded to all. Apologies again.

SF, I think this is exactly what I am experiencing. Thank you for your input.

I will be researching this.

You're welcome.

Social anxiety is more than just common shyness. A number of things stand out to me that you said:
- worrying over how people perceive you in daily social interactions and specifically worrying over your emotional cues such as facial expression

- taking a longer time to be social with people (a few months, as you've said; this is common among people with social anxiety since we tend to "evaluate" people before we let them into our world in order to avoid the negative outcomes we so fear, especially to avoid rejection)

- preferring communicating by text rather than face to face (it depersonalizes the interaction and textual communication is easier to control)

- not engaging with people unless you have to (such as answering a question or being at an interview)

- Desiring to be social and have friends, but feeling hindered in achieving this

All of these are traits of social anxiety. How much it interferes with your daily life determines whether your issue with it can be diagnosed as a disorder. Don't feel bad, though. It's very common, much like clinical depression is very common. We all have our issues. But I would strongly recommend that you talk to a therapist or a mental health professional in general. It's generally not something you can pray, meditate or think away. Those things can help, but you need therapy to ultimately overcome it and maybe medication as well (I'm on anti-anxiety medication).

It doesn't mean you're unfriendly, lack empathy or that it's due to depression, either. You can be a very happy, upbeat person and still have social anxiety.

 

[Sabour]

You're welcome.

Social anxiety is more than just common shyness. A number of things stand out to me that you said:
- worrying over how people perceive you in daily social interactions and specifically worrying over your emotional cues such as facial expression

- taking a longer time to be social with people (a few months, as you've said; this is common among people with social anxiety since we tend to "evaluate" people before we let them into our world in order to avoid the negative outcomes we so fear, especially to avoid rejection)

- preferring communicating by text rather than face to face (it depersonalizes the interaction and textual communication is easier to control)

- not engaging with people unless you have to (such as answering a question or being at an interview)

- Desiring to be social and have friends, but feeling hindered in achieving this

All of these are traits of social anxiety. How much it interferes with your daily life determines whether your issue with it can be diagnosed as a disorder. Don't feel bad, though. It's very common, much like clinical depression is very common. We all have our issues. But I would strongly recommend that you talk to a therapist or a mental health professional in general. It's generally not something you can pray, meditate or think away. Those things can help, but you need therapy to ultimately overcome it and maybe medication as well (I'm on anti-anxiety medication).

Thank you for taking the time for reading through my responses.

It all makes sense, I am not depressed by that. The first solution towards a problem is knowing that there is one. You helped me identify it.

I would prefer to see other alternative solution first. I will try to solve this on my own for a couple of months and see how would that work out. If I am still where I am, I will look into the medication.

 

[Saint Frankenstein]

Thank you for taking the time for reading through my responses.

It all makes sense, I am not depressed by that. The first solution towards a problem is knowing that there is one. You helped me identify it.

I would prefer to see other alternative solution first. I will try to solve this on my own for a couple of months and see how would that work out. If I am still where I am, I will look into the medication.

No problem. I know quite a bit about mental health matters, since I suffer from them, myself. I can really relate with what you say because I deal with it, too, although my case is much more severe than yours. Talking with people who also have mental health issues and who are very knowledgeable about it can really help you gain a deeper understanding of yourself. A friend of mine who also struggles with mental illness and possibly a personality disorder recently helped me realize that I have Avoidant Personality Disorder. I'm actually surprised that I didn't figure that out myself because I've been trying for years to identify why clinical depression and social anxiety just didn't seem to completely explain my rather dour situation and why my attempts at treatment have failed so far. It's great to able put a name on it. It puts you that much closer to overcoming it.

As for medication, you need to talk to a therapist first. Find a therapist in your area who specializes in anxiety and mood disorders and talk to them about what you're going through. If it's bad enough, they'll refer you to a doctor who might prescribe medication.

I recommend doing it as soon as possible. But if you want to try other avenues first, that's your choice. You should know that you can do both at the same time. You can seek spiritual support for it while seeing a therapist about it. In fact, that's probably the best thing for you to do. Both would be probably be wonderful for you in this case, since you're a religious person.

 

[Sabour]

No problem. I know quite a bit about mental health matters, since I suffer from them, myself. I can really relate with what you say because I deal with it, too, although my case is much more severe than yours. Talking with people who also have mental health issues and who are very knowledgeable about it can really help you gain a deeper understanding of yourself. A friend of mine who also struggles with mental illness and possibly a personality disorder recently helped me realize that I have Avoidant Personality Disorder. I'm actually surprised that I didn't figure that out myself because I've been trying for years to identify why clinical depression and social anxiety just didn't seem to completely explain my rather dour situation and why my attempts at treatment have failed so far. It's great to able put a name on it. It puts you that much closer to overcoming it.

As for medication, you need to talk to a therapist first. Find a therapist in your area who specializes in anxiety and mood disorders and talk to them about what you're going through. If it's bad enough, they'll refer you to a doctor who might prescribe medication.

I recommend doing it as soon as possible. But if you want to try other avenues first, that's your choice. You should know that you can do both at the same time. You can seek spiritual support for it while seeing a therapist about it. In fact, that's probably the best thing for you to do. Both would be probably be wonderful for you in this case, since you're a religious person.

I am sorry to hear about that, I hope you overcome it.

I will give what you said a thought. I will see what my family thinks about that. In my country such therapists are extremely hard to find and going to them is very much frowned upon. But who cares what the people around me would think about it.

May I ask you about the reasons one may have social anxiety ?

 

[Sabour]

Nice thread, nice answers. Try breath practice, pranayama. I am sure it will help. Wish you the best in future.

Thank you for your wishes

 

[Saint Frankenstein]

I am sorry to hear about that, I hope you overcome it.

I will give what you said a thought. I will see what my family thinks about that. In my country such therapists are extremely hard to find and going to them is very much frowned upon. But who cares what the people around me would think about it.

May I ask you about the reasons one may have social anxiety ?

Thanks.

I'm really sorry to hear that. It's such a shame that there's such a stigma for seeking help for mental health issues. That's really shameful. Who's really the sick one here, us or society? There's a stigma against it in the US, as well. It's not a subject that's very understood or talked about. It's strange that going to a doctor for your body is just viewed as totally normal, but going to a doctor for your mind is frowned upon.

They're not quite sure what causes it, just like with other mental disorders. It's probably a combination of genetics, environment and chemical imbalances. Environmental causes could be things like bullying, family problems, abuse, etc. You can read more about that here: http://www.overcoming.co.uk/single.htm?ipg=8622

 

[Sakeenah]

We all have our good side and our bad side ... Well not that bad, but we all have one thing that we would love to change about ourselves ... Well maybe not all of us but you know my point

Anyways, among the many reasons (boring being at top) people don't like being around me is because I seem unfriendly, although I am not. I always seem to be frowning, drawing the impression that I dislike the person I am speaking with or that I don't like what I am seeing.

Now that is causing me problems directly or indirectly. My relation with most of the people is not that good, unless they take the time to really know me in person. I never had big number of friends as people other people in my area have and I guess that this is the main reason. I didn't work in a place where communication is essential but I am worried about this. This is my greatest concern.

I seem to have the right reasons to change. The first is that Islam teaches me to smile in the face of people and I am trying to be a practicing muslim in every possible way. The second is that I dont want to have this attitude (I don't know what to call it) in the workplace as it may cause me problems with colleagues and clients. I am really worried about this.

Now I have tried that in the past. I tried to smile at people and give the impression that I am friendly. I tried for like 2 -3 months to do that. I decided to stop because I felt it was awkward and it was obvious for many people that I was trying to force it. I sensed that I was being seen as a hypocrite by some people and that was the end of that.

Now, I would like to ask how can I show that I am friendly? How can I smile at other people? How can I erase my frown?

I am open to advice.

Other members gave you some great advise so I don't have much to add. I agree with David maybe you're just naturally shy,try to smile when you make eye contact with people.
Being shy isn't a negative thing and most people know the difference between someone being shy and unfriendly. Don't be too harsh on yourself but try to get out of your comfort zone one step at a time.

 

[Sabour]

Other members gave you some great advise so I don't have much to add. I agree with David maybe you're just naturally shy,try to smile when you make eye contact with people.
Being shy isn't a negative thing and most people know the difference between someone being shy and unfriendly. Don't be too harsh on yourself but try to get out of your comfort zone one step at a time.

Thank you for your input. I would say yes I am a shy person and getting out of the comfort zone is an important thing that everyone should do.

Ever since @Saint Frankenstein made me aware of the real problem things got much better. Positive thoughts are circulating min mind more and more Al hamdu Lel Allah ( that is ALL Praise to Allah). Thank you for your input @Sakeenah.

 

[Saint Frankenstein]

Thank you for your input. I would say yes I am a shy person and getting out of the comfort zone is an important thing that everyone should do.

Ever since @Saint Frankenstein made me aware of the real problem things got much better. Positive thoughts are circulating min mind more and more Al hamdu Lel Allah ( that is ALL Praise to Allah). Thank you for your input @Sakeenah.

Glad I could be of help. Good luck!

 

[Sakeenah]

Thank you for your input. I would say yes I am a shy person and getting out of the comfort zone is an important thing that everyone should do.

Ever since @Saint Frankenstein made me aware of the real problem things got much better. Positive thoughts are circulating min mind more and more Al hamdu Lel Allah ( that is ALL Praise to Allah). Thank you for your input @Sakeenah.

You're welcome : )
Alhamdulilah good to hear things are much better.