Grief and Loss

[lizskid]

Todd said it was ok to do a continuing thread on Grief and Loss, since that's sort of my thing. Maybe we can find a topic for chat here and there....feedback welcome, as well as questions!

Introduction

​

For a little background: My current training is in the area of grief, and I presently am counseling the hospice bed residents at a local health care center here in my small town.


As an introduction, I would like to "put out" there that we all experience grief. We may not have all experience the death of someone close to us, but we have all experienced loss. Be it a divorce, death, move from a home, job change, change in a friendship or other relationship, miscarriage, or some other big life change, these all accumulate as losses. I was working with a person once who was having difficulty dealing with a failed business, and by the end, we were working on a loss many years prior, that ended up being the real priority in his grief. I have heard the image of onion layers used for many things, and, once again, it can be used for losses accumulating in our lives.

Simply put, grief is the uncomfortable (sad, angry, etc) feeling that comes from the loss of something in our lives. We aren't taught very well to express or deal with these feelings, even to acknowledge them in ourselves. One author I read talked about the "don't cry-it'll be alright" language we get when we are children. We are often told not to cry, or given a new pet as soon as an old one dies, etc. We refocus people rather than give them the validation they need to express their uncomfortable feelings.

For this time, I'd like to focus on that, and have you think about some incident when you were younger (that means before today) when you were given one of those signals, and think about how that felt to you. You may share it here if you wish.

 

[Djamila]

I think grief and loss and handled more openly in some cultures than in others, and there are other aspects that make a great deal of difference - either for the better, or for the worst.

Srebrenica, in eastern Bosnia, has been a city of women since the war. Virtually all of the men and boys in the town were executed on July 11, 1995, during the war and the vast majority of the city's current population are middle-aged, Muslim widows. According to the Association of Srebrenica Widows, the average loss for the women of Srebrenica was 31 relatives. That means everyone widow living in Srebrenica represents an average of 31 relatives of hers that are no longer alive.

This type of grief, that is shared between thousands of women, is very difficult to overcome. Srebrenica is still a very, very depressing city. A number of Srebrenica survivors were pregnant during the war and are now single mothers of children who are roughly 10 years old today. You never see these children smiling, or playing. They sit around on the front steps of downtown buildings, it would seem, in complete silence.

That's very unhealthy, in my mind. But the women feed off each other's grief and it just never ends. It's all consuming. Whenever they identify 500 bodies from the mass graves surrounding the city, they hold another mass funeral. At these funerals, women often literally haul out their hair, scratch their chests until they bleed, and lay in the empty graves begging government workers to bury them alive.

​

How can you possibly get past this?

For me, personally, grief manifests itself in many different ways. The main one that comes to mind is putting off marriage for so long. I had a very serious relationship prior to meeting my husband, and it ended because I was not willing to take the next step. The same problem presented itself when my husband and I were courting and we had a fight about it, with enough anger that I was able to get things out through defiance and spite that I'd have never been able to say in a calm, heart-to-heart conversation.

I told him - I love you, very much, but how I can yes when you ask me to marry you? If God came to me tomorrow and said - hold him down, rip his eyes out with your teeth, peel the skin off his arms with a knife, break every bone in his legs, and let him bleed to death as slowly and as painfully as possible... and I will give you back those you lost in the war... to feel in my heart thats an offer I would be unable to refuse, how could I say yes to him?

And he told me, when his sister was killed, the first shell hit in front of her car and it became stuck. She was already horribly injured by glass and shrapnel but she was still conscious, and still screaming, when the second shell hit. And he said if he had a chance to switch me in her place, he'd take it. And for some reason, it just just what I wanted to hear. I didn't feel guilty anymore.

But most people never get that chance to be so open.

 

[Djamila]

And there are... flashbacks, I'll call them, but not in a literal sense.

There are certain moments that just set back all the progress I've made. For example, some nights I dream about my life before the war. I relive some moment, with some person, and when I wake up I'm just devastated. I'm not ripping my hair out, but I am violently upset enough that it seriously scares my husband.

Sometimes it happens while I'm awake. I'll see someone who reminds me of something, and start to shout a hello, or try to get their attention, and then remember - and then, my whole day is ruined. I just have to go home and lie alone.

And I take everything so personally. My husband was once talking about how hard-working Bosnian villagers are compared to people who live in the cities. And he was talking about his family, and then he said: "And your family is the same. Your parents both, they left, came to the city, and made a great life for themselves - and this despite they came from nothing, really, same as mine." And I just... I mean, I could have killed him before I came back to fully realizing what I was doing, and if he was not strong enough to hold me down, I probably would have.

And then, the ironic part of it all is that I'm the rock for the others. It's just... so much, you understand? My grandmother always calls me by my mother's name accidentally. I do things a certain way, or say something a certain way, and she tells me how much I remind her of my mother - and it makes me happy, I think, but I just don't want to hear it.

Anyhow, it's time for me to stay from this thread. lol

 

[cardero]

These are some scriptures that help me through grief that someone interested could share with another. These could also apply to any separation of relationship.

“There really is no way to tell someone how to react to an entity who has passed through death. It is as unique and as expressive as the individual entity itself. It does not matter who it is or how one perceives death. It depends on how close the entity was to the individual before dying.”

“As a human, I should assure YOU it is okay to react like one. Sadness is indeed a human emotion.”

“YOU are CORRECT in assuming YOU cannot tell people how they should feel after a death. That goes for any situation involving emotions. For some people who are mourning the death of a loved one, sometimes ALL that is needed is YOUR presence.”

Excerpts from HELLO IT’S ME: An Interview With GOD
Chapter: The Effects Of Death On Our Lives

 

[lizskid]

Djamila, I cannot imagine the scope of a situation like that! The grief in your life must be palpable! Communities like that suffer SO much. Prayers to you and them all.

 

[lizskid]

Cardero offered some scripture that is helpful, and I know there are many more passages. I have collected a list of sites and books that might be helpful inspecific circumstances also.



The Grief Recovery Handbook John James/Russell Friedman
Harper, 1998

Losing a Parent Fiona Marshall DeCapo Lifelong, 2000

Gift of Tears Susan Lendrum/Gabrielle Syme
Brunner Routledge, 2001 reprint (More for Porfessionals)

http://www.rockies.net/~spirit/grief/grief.html

http://www.familygrief.com/

http://www.goodgriefresources.com/

http://www.compassionbooks.com/

http://griefnet.org/

http://www.griefjournal.com/

http://www.caringinfo.org/i4a/pages/...fm?pageid=3282



Please do not assume I am telling you to run out and buy their books or products, but there are tips at these sites that can be helpful, and some of the books may be available at your local library or mental health center for checkout.


Grief for children and teens

Meeting Death by Margaret Hyde, Walker & Co

After Charolotte's Mom Died by Spelman and Friedman, Whitman & Co

How It Feels When a Parent Dies by Jill Krementz, Knopf

Balloons for Trevor by Cave and Skivington, Concordia

Straight Talk about Death for Teenagers by Grollman, Econo-Clad


More Books for Adults

Good Grief: A constructive Approach to the Problem of Loss by
Granger Westberg, Fortress Press

Getting through the NIght by Eugenia Price, Ballantine Books

No Time for Goodbyes by Lord and Wheeler, Pathfinder


Additional Adult resources

Life After Loss by Volcan and Zintl

Learning to Say Goodbye by Rosalie Peck

What to do when a Loved One Dies by Shaw and Graves, Dickens Press


Child/Teen Grief

Molly's Rosebush by Cohn and Owens, Concept Books

After the Funeral by Jane L. Winsch, Paulist Press


Pastoral Resources

Praying Through Grief by Mauryeen O'Brien

Bereavement Ministry by Harriet Young

Resources for child death/SIDS/miscarriage/stillbirth

Some websites:
http://www.empty-cradles.com/

http://www.storknet.com/cubbies/pil/qotm.htm

http://sids-network.org/

http://www.mend.org/home_index.asp

http://www.virushead.net/preglossresources.html

 

[lizskid]

Your stages of grief

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One of the premier authorities often quoted on grief is Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. She held that there were generally five stages that people go through in their grieving process, especially a person who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. Those are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. While we can all look at ourselves or someone else we're close to and perhaps see some examples of some of those, I tend to believe there are no actual stages in grief. I believe this because it is such an individual thing. I know some who have never accepted it, others who were not angry, and still others who never left the denial arena.

It seems unlikely to me that those stages are hard and fast, as there are many who are never in denial, more a stage of numbness, or emotional overload. Shock. That is not necessarily denial. How we all deal with loss is our own path, but there are a few common responses, as identified by James and Friedman. One of those is reduced concentration, preoccupation and emotional overload make it hard to remember even the most routine of actions at times.

Another response may be that sense of numbness to which I referred, being either physical, emotional or both. A disruption of sleep patterns may also accompany loss response, either more or less sleep. Eating Habits can change, you know, stress eating, or the alternative when nothing sounds good or you don't feel hungry. The last response seen is the change in physical or emotional energy in a roller-coaster fashion-sometimes you can't sit still, others you can't get up.

The only given with loss is that your timelines and experiences are your own. Do not let anyone assign you a symptom or time limit (you know-isn't it time you get out again?) You may experience all or none of these common responses, and for whatever length of time your mind and body need to experience it/them. Think back on a loss you have had and search your memory for a response that you had to this loss that is on that list, and maybe one that is not. Peace.

 

[lizskid]

Faith and feelings in Loss

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I think we can all understand that there are many feelings associated with a loss. Many also report a spiritual component, which is neither emotional or intellectual. Faith does not need reasoning or intellect to be. It is affected by the loss as much as the other areas. There seem to be two options when related to Faith: it can remain intact, regardless of the loss; or Faith is shaken, perhaps destroyed by the loss.

The loss of Faith usually occurs after a very traumatic loss, such as the death of a child, or some other sudden tragic death. This can cause the grieving person to lose faith in God, Allah or whomever one has faith. So, sometimes the incomplete relationship caused by that of the loss is actually one with that target of faith. One must, in time, attempt to rebuild that trust. For those whose Faith is undeterred, there is still action required to recover from the loss, as faith/prayer/meditation, etc. do not themselves do that work for you.

There are emotional communications that are unsaid/unsent that are at the core of the incomplete relationship. We need to decide to take the steps required to have those be completed. Those confusing, unfulfilled emotions can take hold of our emotional and functional being. Think about the losses in your life, i.e. death, job loss, divorce or other break-up, etc. Are there things you wish you could have said or done in that relationship? Think about that for next week when we discuss the acting recovered vs. choosing to truly recover from loss.

 

[Mavrikmind]

Hi guys, I thought I would share something that I don't talk about too much. Four years ago, I lost my son Dakota. He died on fathers day that year. I won't go into the particualrs too far but I will skim over it. When he was born he had a genetic defect called Degeorge syndrome. He had no hypothalmus gland and His heart was all backwards and his major arteries were a mess. He lived his first six months in the hospital in Atlanta. We were able to bring him hom for the first time three weeks before Fathers day.
Fathers day morning, I was awoken by his heart monitor. I went in to check on him and suffice it say he was taking his last few breaths. I told my wife ( Now x wife ) to call 911. As she was doing that, I was performing CPR on Dakota. When the EMTs arrived they took over. They had me pick him up and carry him to the truck for the ride to the ER. As I was walking to the ambulance I looked down at him and at that moment I knew he was gone. After that it's all a blur. I've been doing good for the past three years with the occasional sadness spurt here and there.
The one thing I can remember was my mother telling me " You have to suck it up for your older son, you have to take care of him now". I was taken aback by that. I knew I had another son to take care of. So I pulled myself together and held it all in for a long time. Looking back what should have happened was my family needed to back off and let me grieve in my own pace. I've dealt with my grief since then but I still can't help but think about what happened and how that could have been delt with better.

 

[michel]

Hi guys, I thought I would share something that I don't talk about too much. Four years ago, I lost my son Dakota. He died on fathers day that year. I won't go into the particualrs too far but I will skim over it. When he was born he had a genetic defect called Degeorge syndrome. He had no hypothalmus gland and His heart was all backwards and his major arteries were a mess. He lived his first six months in the hospital in Atlanta. We were able to bring him hom for the first time three weeks before Fathers day.
Fathers day morning, I was awoken by his heart monitor. I went in to check on him and suffice it say he was taking his last few breaths. I told my wife ( Now x wife ) to call 911. As she was doing that, I was performing CPR on Dakota. When the EMTs arrived they took over. They had me pick him up and carry him to the truck for the ride to the ER. As I was walking to the ambulance I looked down at him and at that moment I knew he was gone. After that it's all a blur. I've been doing good for the past three years with the occasional sadness spurt here and there.
The one thing I can remember was my mother telling me " You have to suck it up for your older son, you have to take care of him now". I was taken aback by that. I knew I had another son to take care of. So I pulled myself together and held it all in for a long time. Looking back what should have happened was my family needed to back off and let me grieve in my own pace. I've dealt with my grief since then but I still can't help but think about what happened and how that could have been delt with better.

I am so sorry to hear that; that must have been absolutely dreadful for you.

Your point does highlight the different way we react to grief and loss. Some face it head on, while others (like I used to be) lock the incident up in a 'tin box' - not to be opened - at the back of our minds.

It depends on the individual. One point though that I have noticed is the difficulty that some people have about talking about the grief someone has (say) on a death. People are almost scared to mention it and avoid the subject.

There is another point; those who try to couch the word 'Died' or 'dead' with 'softer' sounding words like "gone before"........

In my particular own experience (which is governed by my religious belief), I have (I think) the advantage of knowing that the grief is about "me" - it is not about the person who has died, but about the way I feel, knowing that I shall never see them again.

 

[Mavrikmind]

It depends on the individual. One point though that I have noticed is the difficulty that some people have about talking about the grief someone has (say) on a death. People are almost scared to mention it and avoid the subject.

There is another point; those who try to couch the word 'Died' or 'dead' with 'softer' sounding words like "gone before"........

In my particular own experience (which is governed by my religious belief), I have (I think) the advantage of knowing that the grief is about "me" - it is not about the person who has died, but about the way I feel, knowing that I shall never see them again.

That is so true. Personally I know in my heart that there is some type of higher power at work in this world, as to what or who it is, I don't know yet. ONe thing I forgot to mention is that grief education doesn't stop with the grieving but extends to family and friends as well so they know how to handle the situation as well

 

[Hope]

Simply put, grief is the uncomfortable (sad, angry, etc) feeling that comes from the loss of something in our lives. We aren't taught very well to express or deal with these feelings, even to acknowledge them in ourselves. One author I read talked about the "don't cry-it'll be alright" language we get when we are children. We are often told not to cry, or given a new pet as soon as an old one dies, etc. We refocus people rather than give them the validation they need to express their uncomfortable feelings.

For this time, I'd like to focus on that, and have you think about some incident when you were younger (that means before today) when you were given one of those signals, and think about how that felt to you. You may share it here if you wish.

My heart aches for those on here who have lost loved ones----I can't even imagine the pain of that.

My sense of grief comes not from losing someone close to me, but from a childhood where I endured a lot of physical and emotional pain. I felt "abandoned" and often neglected. And, unfortunately, I learned from a very young age to bury all my sadness and anger deep inside myself. I actually lost the ability to cry. There would be times when I wanted nothing more than to have a good cry, and nothing would come out. It was incredibly frustrating. It wasn't until about 9 years ago that I regained the ability to cry----and I truly believe it was the mercy of God. I think dismissing or suppressing grief and sadness is one of the worst things we can do. Doing so for nearly half my life tore me apart inside.

I do distinctly remember something my father said to me when I was a girl, that further encouraged me to keep my emotions hidden----he made a statement, in front of other people, in which he compared me to my younger sister, who wore her emotions on her sleeve. "You should be more like Joy [my sister], and not keep your feelings hidden so much." I'm sure his intentions were well-meaning, but they had the opposite effect. Growing up, I lived in my sister's shadow---she was outgoing, beautiful, adored, and got what she wanted; I was quiet and shy, and let people walk all over me. Naturally, being compared to her, especially publicly, grated on my already raw, sensitive emotions. So, instead of trying to be like my sister, I did my best to distance myself from her, and be as different as I could. And that meant keeping my feelings to myself. I wore my label of "reserved/emotionally suppressed" as a badge of distinction.

While I can, thankfully, cry nowadays, I still have trouble "letting people in", and being vulnerable and unreserved with people, because of an inability to trust people. Is this grief-related at all? I have no idea....just throwing it out there.

 

[Mavrikmind]

Yes I would have to say it is, I'm glad you posted your story. Your words go right to the heart of the matter. We give our stories in the hope that we can help others come to terms with there grief. We can show that they are not alone and they are understood in the pain they feel. And that it's ok to talk about it

 

[!Fluffy!]

This is a very timely thread for me, maybe I can find some help here.

Before Thanksgiving I found out my older brother has been diagnosed with advanced macular degeneration of both eyes:

...In closing, I have a humble request I feel moved to ask of you. I completed a day of tests at the UCSF vision center today and these tests showed that I have advanced macular degeneration of the retina in both eyes. Just a year ago this would have been cause for much greater concern than it is today. In this last year a “breakthrough” procedure has been developed along with a new drug which is potent to correct this condition. I will be treated next Thursday at the university center. I simply ask for your prayers, that God’s will be done. I have no doubt that He shall do what is best for me and I will feel doubly confident knowing your prayers are with me!


God Is Good! Celebrate His Goodness with praise and thanksgiving!

Yours In Jesus,
Pastor Bob.


​

As you can tell, his general mood was upbeat and positive. He was feeling very hopeful about the new treatment available.

Tonight though he sent me an email that was just... heartbreaking. In scarcely a week he has lost most of the vision in one eye, it is progressing at an alarming rate. And he found out that the "strong" eye, has been weakened from carrying the load to such an extent, it is now untreatable. So where before he thought he would have *some* sight left, and not descend into total darkness, he is slowly coming to grips with total blindness. I think if it wasn't happening so fast, he may be able to keep up emotionally and psychologically with what is happening but... it's just too fast.

He is so scared, and partially because he is who he is, partially because he has been the "strong leader" for so long, he is feeling alone in his fear which he shares only with God. He expressed those fears to me because as he says, it is not so threatening or scary for me (as it is for his wife, daughters and parishoners who depend on him every day).

He is getting injections in the one eye, directly and yes it is even more scary than it sounds and it is painful.

How does one respond to such suffering, I love him so much but all I seem to do is cry and I don't want to call him until I get it together. I have emailed him but he can barely see now even with the largest fonts. I need to call him but which "me" do I pull out of the hat? The silly disarming funny me to distract him, the loving nurturing me to comfort him... does this make sense to anyone? What can I do? What can I say? I feel so helpless.

Please pray for my brother. Any words you can offer would be appreciated.

 

[Mavrikmind]

I'm sorry to hear about your brother Moon. I'll give you my thoughts, wether they help or not I don't know. Now it would seem to me your grieving for your brothers loss of eye site. In my opinion thats ok. as far as what your brother needs, he needs his sister, not a contrived version of you. He'll pick up on it immmediatly. Trust me, I've been there. My suggestion for would be to make a list of things your brother would loose and things he would gain. I think you'll find he's not loosing as much as you think. I'm sure you know whats available to the vision impaired. plus not to mention how his other senses will compensate and become more aqute. Moon, he's still gonna be your brother, thats not going to change. Yes he might change a bit but thats to be expected.
One other suggestion if I may, is really talk to your brother about how you feel. Just come out with it. I think it'll make you feel better and it will let him see how much you care for him. Also, I believe that if you open yourself to him, it will draw the both of you closer than ever. Believe me, thats what he needs. I hope my thoughts help you. Keep posting and let us know how things go. Some of us may be strangers but I'm sure you have alot of friends here that would not mind a bit giving a bit of emotional support

 

[Awen]

Hi there Moon,

I am so sorry to hear of your brother's struggle ~ my heart goes out to you both; I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

I wonder if it is possible for you to visit him? To be there for him, in person? We are not trained for moments like this in life, so when they appear, it's understandable to be worried and confused...and not know what to say/do for the best. As his sister, I'm sure he would expect nothing more than for you to be yourself; he will understand that this news is also distressing for you too. Like you said, the change is happening so very fast ~ like a whirlwind. He may be panicking, which again, is perfectly understandable...I'd say just be as calm, comforting and supporting as you can. If at some point 'silly, disarming you' comes into play, then I'm sure he will appreciate having someone to laugh with, too.

However you decide to do things, I wish you and your brother all the luck in the world. Take care of yourself also, and as Mavrik said, please keep us updated.

 

[Mavrikmind]

I agree with Awen. the more I thought about it the more I think your brother would like to have some cheering up. At the same time though, do not forget about yourself

 

[michel]

My heart aches for those on here who have lost loved ones----I can't even imagine the pain of that.

My sense of grief comes not from losing someone close to me, but from a childhood where I endured a lot of physical and emotional pain. I felt "abandoned" and often neglected. And, unfortunately, I learned from a very young age to bury all my sadness and anger deep inside myself. I actually lost the ability to cry. There would be times when I wanted nothing more than to have a good cry, and nothing would come out. It was incredibly frustrating. It wasn't until about 9 years ago that I regained the ability to cry----and I truly believe it was the mercy of God. I think dismissing or suppressing grief and sadness is one of the worst things we can do. Doing so for nearly half my life tore me apart inside.

I do distinctly remember something my father said to me when I was a girl, that further encouraged me to keep my emotions hidden----he made a statement, in front of other people, in which he compared me to my younger sister, who wore her emotions on her sleeve. "You should be more like Joy [my sister], and not keep your feelings hidden so much." I'm sure his intentions were well-meaning, but they had the opposite effect. Growing up, I lived in my sister's shadow---she was outgoing, beautiful, adored, and got what she wanted; I was quiet and shy, and let people walk all over me. Naturally, being compared to her, especially publicly, grated on my already raw, sensitive emotions. So, instead of trying to be like my sister, I did my best to distance myself from her, and be as different as I could. And that meant keeping my feelings to myself. I wore my label of "reserved/emotionally suppressed" as a badge of distinction.

While I can, thankfully, cry nowadays, I still have trouble "letting people in", and being vulnerable and unreserved with people, because of an inability to trust people. Is this grief-related at all? I have no idea....just throwing it out there.

I can relate to the 'not letting people in' - but for different reasons. It is hard to change. I had parents who very seldom displayed emotions, and I guess I learned to do the same.

I was talking to my wife this morning, and we were 'comparing notes' on our childhoods - yes, even after being married for 30 years.

We had a similar 'vein' in that we never managed to forge friendships that lasted any time at all. Throughout my childhood, I was never really in one place for more than max. a couple of years; add that to the fact that the first ten years were in Africa, and I was then put intop boarding schools for short periods, means that I never 'collected' friends in my early life (like I am delighted to say my sons have).

With me, this has the effect of 'not letting people in' because I have the subconscious fear of the pain of the inevitable loss, when the two year period (That was the average) of anything is over. I have been with this forum for past two years now (which is an achievement for me, however silly that sounds); though, in the same period, without realizing it at the time, I have given up going to college to study.

We were moved from one building to another, and the 'regulars' all changed - That felt like "Time to walk again...........". I know it isn't healthy to give in to the impulse, butI feel so ddreadful trying to beat that nasty feeling.

 

[!Fluffy!]

Thank you, thank you, thank you BOTH Awen and Mavrikmind for the words of comfort and reason. It means more to me than you know. :hug:

Yes the first thing I wanted to do when I heard was to be there, and if there's a way we can work it out I will. We are on opposite coasts so it's not easy, for us it's a substantial sacrifice of time and money we can't afford right now so it's frustrating.

In the still quiet loneliness one encounters in the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere I wanted to be where he is now. The answer was right in front of my face, literally. Without contacts or glasses I'm legally blind. I can't see more than indistinct blurs, and with the lights out I'm pretty helpless. So I turned out the lights. Walking around without either in the familiar safety of my own house I had to fight a panic driving me to put my contacts in or grab my glasses. It becomes a thirst. You just want things to take shape so bad. My sweet pets became the enemy, so did that ottoman I forgot about and some junk piled in the hallway.

The radio helped a little to orient myself, but becomes an annoyance. Have you ever noticed when you're driving and you approach an unfamiliar place, or an accident or bad weather you tend to turn off the radio? It's a distraction.

What I didn't expect was the panic and anger. It's like my body kept saying hey, this makes no sense to have eyes and not see. Come on, focus! But I can't focus. It's a hassle, a bother, and it separates you from people. You can't see facial expressions that other people are reacting to.

I started to think, there is no way I could walk out that door. Just the idea of going to the store became overwhelming. He will have to depend on his wife and friends more than ever now, that's going to be the hardest thing for him.

I don't have any idea exactly how he can cope with this, but I know he will do it. Our family has been through a lot the past 2 years losing our Mom (the "glue") and our Dad (the "rock") -- it's been traumatic, and we've all drifted apart into our separate grief. Geography matters. There are so many things we took for granted when we all lived in Colorado. Now it takes death or trauma to bring us all to the same place.

We have our faith in common, and were honored to be present when our Mom left us and Dad a while later. This is going to freak some people out, but others will know what I mean. When they died, it was one of the happiest miracles we'd ever seen. We actually applauded and sang and danced when Dad left us, and we were all jealous, all 5 siblings, wives, husbands and our children. Take us with you! We saw and felt the "Light" and were enveloped by an indescribable peace for many days after, that left us all yearning. It was Bob who reminded us we are all pilgrims, (sometimes weary) travelers going different paths to the same place, and so we parted knowing we have a way to go until we get to be there together again.

In the meantime, this is one of those times I wish we could all comfort and help each other *in person* and I regret for the thousandth time, having left... I miss them all!

Thanks for this thread, and for letting me vent here, and cry and ramble a little. I needed that. Most of all thanks for your comfort, support and prayers. :hug:

Love,
MW

"Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:16

 

[Mavrikmind]

This is a great thread, thanks to Lizskid for that. Personally in the begining I didn't want to talk with anyone about how I was feeling, I just wanted to be left alone and grieve in my own way and in my own time. It's only been in the last year or so I've been able to really talk about it.