Fiddler
Lerner
B''H
On 2011 right after Pesach ,I suddenly found myself in an atheism forum where everyone was gladly rejecting religions .
I could not find an answer when they attached a photo of a girl who had both legs chopped off . How G-d could allow such a misery for a little girl and why and why not ?
That was the first climax point ; I was no more observing Torah, eating pork deliberately in all meals and of course ,deliberately again, no mitzvot.
This lasted for more than a year .It was horrible for me. I was against everything,fighting ,shouting. I would not let anyone believe anything. I would be happy if they banned the word to believe.
Then a few months ago, I felt that I was suffering, atheism was not suitable for me,but could not return to deliver to HaShem ,I was online to atheist forum all nights,making more troubles for me, no more comfortable days .
2 months ago, I explained my situation to Rabbi . He told me that I was not thinking in the way I was speaking. That was right, I minus G-d was a disaster. But still I was wandering aimlessly on things which are not good for me.
This Pesach, for the first time in my life I did nothing Emptiness,boredom,pain and suffer were all accompanying me every time since I did a terrible thing. I was trying to challenge Him, the most merciful. Still I was sth like deist to atheist or vice versa. I did not even have a look at Siddur which now is my best friend. It was a definitely a kappore
2 days before Lag B'Omer this year ,5772 ( 2012) I happened to check my email which I was only using to get in touch with the Jewish community in my city.
Surprisingly I had reminder messages for counting Omer .
I had another mail for Lag B'Omer ,but this time I was helped by G-d, a miracle did happen again. I was dancing,crying,jumping with ecstasy that İ was full of love of HaShem again.
So,what happened to me ?
Hashem gave me a good lesson challenged for me so hardly that I am no more keeping and observing Torah without feeling its Holiness
On 2011 right after Pesach ,I suddenly found myself in an atheism forum where everyone was gladly rejecting religions .
I could not find an answer when they attached a photo of a girl who had both legs chopped off . How G-d could allow such a misery for a little girl and why and why not ?
That was the first climax point ; I was no more observing Torah, eating pork deliberately in all meals and of course ,deliberately again, no mitzvot.
This lasted for more than a year .It was horrible for me. I was against everything,fighting ,shouting. I would not let anyone believe anything. I would be happy if they banned the word to believe.
Then a few months ago, I felt that I was suffering, atheism was not suitable for me,but could not return to deliver to HaShem ,I was online to atheist forum all nights,making more troubles for me, no more comfortable days .
2 months ago, I explained my situation to Rabbi . He told me that I was not thinking in the way I was speaking. That was right, I minus G-d was a disaster. But still I was wandering aimlessly on things which are not good for me.
This Pesach, for the first time in my life I did nothing Emptiness,boredom,pain and suffer were all accompanying me every time since I did a terrible thing. I was trying to challenge Him, the most merciful. Still I was sth like deist to atheist or vice versa. I did not even have a look at Siddur which now is my best friend. It was a definitely a kappore
2 days before Lag B'Omer this year ,5772 ( 2012) I happened to check my email which I was only using to get in touch with the Jewish community in my city.
Surprisingly I had reminder messages for counting Omer .
I had another mail for Lag B'Omer ,but this time I was helped by G-d, a miracle did happen again. I was dancing,crying,jumping with ecstasy that İ was full of love of HaShem again.
So,what happened to me ?
Hashem gave me a good lesson challenged for me so hardly that I am no more keeping and observing Torah without feeling its Holiness
